Virgin26 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Hi, I am in a bit of a dilemma and would really appreciate an honest opinion. I have known this great guy at work for a while now, but we recently starting “going out”. We talked all the time and saw each other almost every day. It’s been a month and things were just going great. We made out a few times, but we never had sex. Anyways, I started asking him questions about his past and he said he just got out of a serious relationship. I asked him when his relationship ended, and it turned out it ended ONE week before we started going out! I was so shocked and sad but he said that he’s done with with his ex (they were together 5 years, 2 of which were long distance). He said he finally pulled the trigger on that relationship and that he didn’t have any feelings for her for a long time. I was upset because he didn’t tell me about this before, but I thought the past was in the past. Additionally, he is interviewing for a job overseas (and does not know if he will get it). He said he will request to stay in the same country so we are close together if he gets the job, or he will even run it down. Anyways, The next day, he received a text and I asked who it was from. It turns out his ex is still messaging him, and he is replying!!! At this point, I said the following: “I like you, I really do. But I won’t drag myself into this mess. So if you want to be with me, you need to stay in the country because I do not need a temporary game, and you need to stop talking to your ex for good”. He tried texting me afterwards and said that he’ll try to fix things and that things are complicated after 5 years. I replied one more time with the same requests and asked him to not talk to me if he’s not willing to accommodate my wishes. It’s been almost a week and I have not heard from him what do you guys think? Was I a bit too harsh and demanding? Was it a bit too much to ask for since we dated only a month or so? Should I reach out to him? should I wait for him? Or should I/ stand my grounds and see what happens I really like this guy (and that’s very rare for me). I do believe he’s a good person since he did not have to tell me all of this and he could have easily lied to me. But he chose to be honest and straight forward. Please advise me on what to do because I am really lost and I can’t stop crying Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 It's too soon for him to try to get serious because he's still somewhat involved with his ex. He said he hasn't had feelings for a long time. So why is he still talking to her. My guess is things are just like they were two years ago except he's trying to add a woman on the side without cutting the other one loose. Also, you didn't mention if kids are involved. I'm assuming not. But if so, that's a whole different situation. I wouldn't contact him. If he contacted me, I'd tell him he's too fresh out of a long relationship and too involved for you to want to be involved. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I think you did good. when people break up, they shouldn't be talking, especially soon after. It's unhealthy, not to mention a red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 How long have you guys been seeing each other? Asking someone you've only been seeing for a bit to stop communicating with someone and to refuse a possible job opportunity because of a brand new relationship does seem demanding. I'm seeing a guy now who at the very beginning had a job opportunity in another state. I encouraged it and he ended up moving. Now I fly up to see him once a month or so and he comes down to visit about as often. It's working out for us because we like each other, and had I discouraged him from taking a great job because of a brand new relationship how much would he have resented me for that? But aside from that part, one week does seem way too soon for him to even think about a new relationship so maybe just let this one go. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 OP, I wouldn't say this is demanding so much as it's about you laying down a boundary. The truth is you DO NOT want to get into this mess if he's still talking so regularly to his ex and possibly leaving the country soon anyway. For him to start things with you while in the transitional state that he's in is frankly unfair to you. But he's doing you a favor by not reaching out like you asked. I'm sure you were hoping that by telling him that, that he would shape up and turn his focus on you, so now you're disappointed that he's not doing that. Well, better to find that out now than continue seeing him and have it blow up in your face. I agree that you did good. As much as you like this guy, he really doesn't sound like good relationship material at the moment. Disappointing, yes, but not insurmountable. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 You shouldn't have put any demands on him...such a waste of time. You saw what was going on, the writing is on the wall....he's not that serious about you. Should have said, we are at different places in our lives, so I have decided not to see you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I think he's crazy for making job decisions based upon a 1 month relationship. I agree with you wanting to avoid a long distance situation. However your approach sounds bitchy. I'd stop talking to you. Also, I wouldn't agree to your demands regarding with who I can communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Share Posted April 25, 2015 OP, I wouldn't say this is demanding so much as it's about you laying down a boundary. The truth is you DO NOT want to get into this mess if he's still talking so regularly to his ex and possibly leaving the country soon anyway. For him to start things with you while in the transitional state that he's in is frankly unfair to you. But he's doing you a favor by not reaching out like you asked. I'm sure you were hoping that by telling him that, that he would shape up and turn his focus on you, so now you're disappointed that he's not doing that. Well, better to find that out now than continue seeing him and have it blow up in your face. I agree that you did good. As much as you like this guy, he really doesn't sound like good relationship material at the moment. Disappointing, yes, but not insurmountable. Yes, I was hoping that he would man up and ask his ex to stop talking to him (since that's what he said he wanted). I am not sure how to proceed. Even if he stops communicating with her, I'd still feel like "the rebound girl", and I do not want that. On the other hand, I still like this guy very much and I just don't want to let him go because I genuinely believe he's a good person. I'm torn PS: if he does get in touch should I reply? or should I just let this one go and ignore the message? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Virgin26 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Share Posted April 25, 2015 I think he's crazy for making job decisions based upon a 1 month relationship. I agree with you wanting to avoid a long distance situation. However your approach sounds bitchy. I'd stop talking to you. Also, I wouldn't agree to your demands regarding with who I can communicate. I'm not being bitchy, I'm just trying to protect myself and avoid a "very obvious" heartbreak. If he likes me as much as he claims, I believe he'll stop communicating with his ex. I am sure he won't be okay with me communicating with my ex on a regular basis either. I think it's disrespectful and unfair to me to drag me in this situation. However, I would be lying if I said I don't want this man to come back. So I'll wait for a few more days and see.... In all cases, I will always pick my dignity and self-respect over my feelings for a man! Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Yes, I was hoping that he would man up and ask his ex to stop talking to him (since that's what he said he wanted). I am not sure how to proceed. Even if he stops communicating with her, I'd still feel like "the rebound girl", and I do not want that. On the other hand, I still like this guy very much and I just don't want to let him go because I genuinely believe he's a good person. I'm torn PS: if he does get in touch should I reply? or should I just let this one go and ignore the message? Yes, but I feel like there's a difference between liking someone because they're a good person or because we're attracted to them, and recognizing who makes a good partner. This guy does not sound like decent relationship material at the moment, and you're smart to keep your distance, even if it hurts, even if it sucks. You're right—even if he did choose you over her, I think you'd have a hard to knowing that you're some kind of rebound, and it would probably cause problems later on. Link to post Share on other sites
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