Can this be possible or am I getting over excited?

[PrettyEmily77]

I met this man at a mutual friend's housewarming party three weeks ago. He's 42, divorced a year, has 2 teenage boys who both chose to live with him, has a good job, is unbelievably handsome, has a healthy lifestyle, has the same hobbies as I have and the list goes on...

 

 

Our mutual friend introduced us as 'the only 2 singles in the room', which was a bit embarrassing but kind of helped break the ice. We hit it off straight away at the party and spent all evening and most of the night talking, saw each other again a couple of days later for a very lovely low-key meal at his favourite pub and the spark was still there. We saw each other again last Sunday - picnic at the park then nice walk along the river and some more chatting (and some action) on a bench. He walked me home and was a complete gentleman all day.

 

 

We are constantly on the phone / email to each other and never leave a day without communicating in some way and I'm seeing him again tomorrow, at his this time - he'll be cooking me my favourite dish (beef stroganoff) and I'll be bringing the dessert (homemade chocolate cheesecake).

 

 

He says I'm the first woman he's liked since his divorce (he was married 16 years, she left him for someone else) and wants to take it slow in regards to sex. I'm okay with that as I only went on a handful of dates in the last 10 months (I did have a short-lived 2-month thing with one of the guys I dated and a very brief silly online something with someone I never met), and I'd been single a year before that after a 6 year relationship.

 

 

The problem is... is that I can't see any problems. People always say when something's too good to be true, that's because it is and I worry I may be missing obvious red flags because I can see myself falling for him. Is there anything I should be wary of? Anything I should ask him or myself before getting too invested? I really don't want to mess it up. Any advice?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Here's what I heard from your post:

 

'How do I sabotage this relationship?'

 

You won't like this advice, but I say, give it time. Hopefully his flaws will be revealed and they will be huger and more devastating than you can imagine. Or, god forbid, he's actually a good guy. The only way to tell is by spending time with him.

[PrettyEmily77]

Haha, point taken! I'm not used to drama-free, all-round good guys so yeah, I should just relax, I guess.

[jen1447]

I don't see anything to be terrified of in there, Emily. I say just let it happen and enjoy the ride. It'll suss out one way or another with time, so no need to try to fast forward to that point in these early blissful days when we think people are perfect!

 

(Not saying he'll be revealed to be a horror show after a while either, just that the glossy new shine inevitably wears off a bit, and at that point you'll see much more clearly whether he's a keeper or not.)

 

Just have fun with it now. He sounds great.

[PrettyEmily77]

Thanks, Jen. He is great . There's also the worry that he might see something in me that'll make him think twice.

 

 

I guess I've forgotten how to be happy with a guy...

 

 

Like you say, I just have to enjoy it for what it is now and have fun.

[preraph]

His sons choosing to live with him could be a red flag because kids usually choose to live with whoever is letting them get away with murder. So you could be walking into a home where the kids rule the household. I would want to see that up close and personal before committing to anything.

 

It's just way too soon to tell, but it's nice you met someone who is a good possibility. Just find out everything you want to know about him and remember that there's two sides to every divorce story usually. And make sure he's not the kind of guy who turned his kids against their mother, any parent who does that is only thinking of themselves, and both sexes do it. So do take it slow, find out what's going on. See how he speaks about his ex, whether he's full of bile or just hurt, see how he handled that with his kids, see if his kids are well behaved or just spoiled.

 

Find out how stable his work is and whether he has active interests or is a homebody. Find out if he's either too cheap or too generous or just a responsible guy. Take your time and enjoy it and let's hope it is a good match!

[central]

He may seem too good to be true according to past experience, but what if he is everything he seems to be - and maybe even more?

 

 

My wife thought I was too good to be true when we met. Fifteen years later she says she actually underestimated me.

 

 

Anyway, give it time, take it slow, and see where it goes. You can't really know someone well until at least a year of seeing them in various situations, and you've dealt with a variety of issues together. Then, you should have the true measure of their character.

[PrettyEmily77]

His sons choosing to live with him could be a red flag because kids usually choose to live with whoever is letting them get away with murder. So you could be walking into a home where the kids rule the household. I would want to see that up close and personal before committing to anything.

 

It's just way too soon to tell, but it's nice you met someone who is a good possibility. Just find out everything you want to know about him and remember that there's two sides to every divorce story usually. And make sure he's not the kind of guy who turned his kids against their mother, any parent who does that is only thinking of themselves, and both sexes do it. So do take it slow, find out what's going on. See how he speaks about his ex, whether he's full of bile or just hurt, see how he handled that with his kids, see if his kids are well behaved or just spoiled.

 

Find out how stable his work is and whether he has active interests or is a homebody. Find out if he's either too cheap or too generous or just a responsible guy. Take your time and enjoy it and let's hope it is a good match!

 

 

Thanks for the good words of encouragement preraph! He's in the medical profession so job is very stable, he seems fairly responsible financially although he does seem to enjoy going to expensive restaurants. This isn't really my thing but when I told him he did put in extra efforts to make our dates as casual as possible but still very thoughtfully and creatively set out, and said it was to help me feel comfortable, which I thought was really sweet.

 

 

I haven't really thought of his sons so much as I still think it's a little bit early for me to meet them but I'll definitely bear the advice in mind re. the divorce, the ex and how he's raised his kids. He hasn't said a bad word about his ex to me so far, just said she cheated on him and left him for a friend of his but he said he didn't really want to talk about it, which is fair enough I guess.

 

We both love martial arts and sky and he says he's into cooking; at this point, it's a little difficult to find fault with him but I'm trying to stay grounded and not get too swept up in the moment because it didn't always work in my favour in the past...

[PrettyEmily77]

He may seem too good to be true according to past experience, but what if he is everything he seems to be - and maybe even more?

 

I'm hoping that's the case! His predecessors all had baggage they didn't seem able to let go of so an emotionally stable guy would be a nice change!

 

 

My wife thought I was too good to be true when we met. Fifteen years later she says she actually underestimated me.

 

Lucky lady . And lucky you, for having such an appreciative wife! .

 

Anyway, give it time, take it slow, and see where it goes. You can't really know someone well until at least a year of seeing them in various situations, and you've dealt with a variety of issues together. Then, you should have the true measure of their character.

 

 

Good point central, thanks for the advice. Will try and enjoy tomorrow night first though, before even thinking a year ahead!

[Vercetti]

I took kids wanting to live with him as a positive. Seems women usually end up with kids, he has potential men and Not mama boys on his hands. Grats to him if not a pushover. With how he has been and your reaction to him...don't think pushover here. Putting sex off just builds and makes you want it more...think I'm starting to like the guy.

[Vercetti]

Wait, his wife cheated with a friend, and he doesn't want to talk about it and no cry cry drama. Moved on after 16 years and is going for things he wants. I hope this works for you two, both seem to have enough experience not to ruin a good thing.

[PrettyEmily77]

Wait, his wife cheated with a friend, and he doesn't want to talk about it and no cry cry drama. Moved on after 16 years and is going for things he wants. I hope this works for you two, both seem to have enough experience not to ruin a good thing.

 

 

Thanks, Vercetti! I know, it looks like he handled his divorce with a lot of maturity (on the surface, at least). When I asked about his sons living with him, he just said they didn't like the way their mother left and that's why they chose to live with him.

 

 

Keeping everything crossed it works out!!

[Vercetti]

Being honest, this guy is a reflection of things I delt with. Got disrespected, protected myself, went after what wanted...knowing better what wanted. I'm married and my wife's perspective is / was much like yours. I came from nowhere, to good to be true, never experienced anything of the like before. Nor did I, chemistry is an amazing thing. I'm not shallow or petty, first date with wife when turned and saw her...If there was anything negitive from the past it was killed instantly.

[PrettyEmily77]

Being honest, this guy is a reflection of things I delt with. Got disrespected, protected myself, went after what wanted...knowing better what wanted. I'm married and my wife's perspective is / was much like yours. I came from nowhere, to good to be true, never experienced anything of the like before. Nor did I, chemistry is an amazing thing. I'm not shallow or petty, first date with wife when turned and saw her...If there was anything negitive from the past it was killed instantly.

 

 

Really good to know it's worked out well for you - gives me hope for whatever is to come!

[preraph]

Thanks, Vercetti! I know, it looks like he handled his divorce with a lot of maturity (on the surface, at least). When I asked about his sons living with him, he just said they didn't like the way their mother left and that's why they chose to live with him.

 

 

Keeping everything crossed it works out!!

 

That's a red flag, because it was probably him who told them she cheated. I doubt she told them herself. And that's wrong, to even let the kids know what is going on like that. How old are they? If they're teens, then they were old enough to maybe know what was going on. If they're little, he influenced them, I bet.

[PrettyEmily77]

That's a red flag, because it was probably him who told them she cheated. I doubt she told them herself. And that's wrong, to even let the kids know what is going on like that. How old are they? If they're teens, then they were old enough to maybe know what was going on. If they're little, he influenced them, I bet.

 

 

They're 14 and 15 now, a year and a half younger when it happened. He didn't have to tell them anything apparently, she told them herself that she was leaving the family home with someone else and asked them if they wanted to go with her. They said no. I don't have kids so can't really begin to think what went on in their heads but I'm guessing they'd have been old enough to ask questions and make their own minds up?

[BluEyeL]

That's a red flag, because it was probably him who told them she cheated. I doubt she told them herself. And that's wrong, to even let the kids know what is going on like that. How old are they? If they're teens, then they were old enough to maybe know what was going on. If they're little, he influenced them, I bet.

I think you're way harsh about this man and make assumptions that sound unfair. You also seem not to like kids. I take kids living with him as a positive. If the mother moved in with the new guy it's pretty normal that the kids would rather stay with him, and also if the father stayed in the family home it's also very logical that the kids would stay too. Kids don't like instability, moving homes and schools. They also don't like another man in their life, especially teens.

[Redhead14]

I met this man at a mutual friend's housewarming party three weeks ago. He's 42, divorced a year, has 2 teenage boys who both chose to live with him, has a good job, is unbelievably handsome, has a healthy lifestyle, has the same hobbies as I have and the list goes on...

 

 

Our mutual friend introduced us as 'the only 2 singles in the room', which was a bit embarrassing but kind of helped break the ice. We hit it off straight away at the party and spent all evening and most of the night talking, saw each other again a couple of days later for a very lovely low-key meal at his favourite pub and the spark was still there. We saw each other again last Sunday - picnic at the park then nice walk along the river and some more chatting (and some action) on a bench. He walked me home and was a complete gentleman all day.

 

 

We are constantly on the phone / email to each other and never leave a day without communicating in some way and I'm seeing him again tomorrow, at his this time - he'll be cooking me my favourite dish (beef stroganoff) and I'll be bringing the dessert (homemade chocolate cheesecake).

 

 

He says I'm the first woman he's liked since his divorce (he was married 16 years, she left him for someone else) and wants to take it slow in regards to sex. I'm okay with that as I only went on a handful of dates in the last 10 months (I did have a short-lived 2-month thing with one of the guys I dated and a very brief silly online something with someone I never met), and I'd been single a year before that after a 6 year relationship.

 

 

The problem is... is that I can't see any problems. People always say when something's too good to be true, that's because it is and I worry I may be missing obvious red flags because I can see myself falling for him. Is there anything I should be wary of? Anything I should ask him or myself before getting too invested? I really don't want to mess it up. Any advice?

 

You two should make sure you're on the same page as to what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences at least. He may only want something casual. What do you want for yourself? You can have a casual conversation about what you are looking for for yourself in the long run (and don't be specific about him) just a statement. And, then let him talk. If you're on the same page, go with the flow. Enjoy the time with him and observe his words and actions going forward.

[Gaeta]

To me the big red flag here is that you are the very first woman he likes since his divorce. I would keep one foot on the ground and consider I may be his rebound.

[BluEyeL]

To me the big red flag here is that you are the very first woman he likes since his divorce. I would keep one foot on the ground and consider I may be his rebound.

 

Yes, that would be my only concern so far as well. But you never know.

[central]

To me the big red flag here is that you are the very first woman he likes since his divorce. I would keep one foot on the ground and consider I may be his rebound.

 

I agree. I was the first man my wife met and dated after her divorce. She had no basis of comparison and was afraid of making another mistake like she did with her ex.

 

 

We solved that by not being exclusive for a while. We both dated other people, she got perspective, and everyone made me look better. Problem solved.

 

 

Sure, there's a little risk that they'll find someone else, but if that someone is a better match, then they should go with it anyway. It's worth it to be sure that you're making the right choice. And yes, it was a little difficult to do, because I had enough dating experience and perspective to be almost certain she was ideal for me. As it turned out, she was and still is, 15 years later.

[MissionPossible]

Hi OP -

 

This guy sounds great! It also sounds like you are looking for problems, which makes me wonder what your past experiences have been like. Do you have a history of dating unavailable guys or men who you look back later and realize didn't treat you very well? If so, it might be beneficial to examine your views on yourself and what you believe you deserve.

 

I'm only asking because I know from my own past that when I went into a relationship looking for red flags, it was because I secretly didn't believe I was "good enough" for the other person - so I would constantly search for reasons to distance myself. After spending a number of years working on my self-esteem, when I met my current bf I still felt the same way - holy crap! This guy seems too good to be true!

 

BUT - guess what? That whole "too good to be true" adage is crap. Throw it out the window. My current bf has finally showed me that there are plenty of amazing men out there, and that relationship can be more fulfilling and peaceful than anyone ever even told me. The key to actually getting that, though, is believing that you deserve it. Life has a funny way of propagating whatever it is that you're focusing on - so if you're looking for flaws, you'll find them. Similarly, if you're looking for positives, you'll find those too. It's a subtle shift in perspective but a powerful one.

 

All that being said, 3 weeks is pretty new. But my point is that this guy could be just as amazing as he appears, maybe even more so. The fact that he doesn't speak harshly of a woman who cheated on/left him is a huge plus in my book. It shows maturity and grace. Give him a chance, go into it with eyes open but also with a love of self and a hopeful heart. Good luck

[jen1447]

Good points MP, but another possible reason for looking for signs of trouble is just simply seeing no signs of trouble. For a lot of people, that makes them feel nervous simply bc general experience has taught them that things are rarely all rainbows and fluffy clouds. (Not necessarily personal romantic failure experiences.)

 

I think we can all find a million things that Emily could conceivably be concerned about in almost any situation, but to me, the most important thing here is that there are no obvious warning signs ("he treats me nice but he said he'd kill me if I ever saw anyone else," "he said he wants to get serious after he completes his International Space Station mission next fall," etc.), and so she should be encouraged to simply enjoy the experience first and foremost, imo.

[PrettyEmily77]

Hi all

 

 

Thank you all so much for your replies and input!! I'm just back from yet another perfect date with him and in the last 4 hours I completely forgot to worry about the potential red flags and just enjoyed his company!

 

 

My most recent exes were both emotionally unavailable guys with a tendency to over-dramatize things, and it's such a nice change to be with someone who is so grounded. sensible and mature. Also, things are hotting up so it looks like he's relaxing in my company, which is a good

 

 

I did think about the rebound thing but he really seems to be looking for something serious and said he didn't do short-term flings. For the first time today he hinted that we should start thinking about me meeting his boys. He said he thought they'd be pleased for him but I'll admit to being really nervous about meeting two teenagers - I just hope I didn't show it!

 

 

We have a cinema date planned for Wednesday and have been talking about going away for a weekend in the country somewhere soon - will keep you posted if he turns into a werewolf at midnight or something of the kind. Keeping my eyes wide open but so far, so good...

[Gaeta]

I did think about the rebound thing but he really seems to be looking for something serious and said he didn't do short-term flings. For the first time today he hinted that we should start thinking about me meeting his boys. He said he thought they'd be pleased for him but I'll admit to being really nervous about meeting two teenagers - I just hope I didn't show it!

 

Sweetie, people on rebound do not know they are and if you mention something they will deny it with all of their being. Just be aware it's a possibility and keep grounded. I would wait to meet his children, what's the rush? Children should be introduce after a good 3 months dating.