BF going (way) too fast

[Elle1975]

Hello,

 

I am dating a man that I have known for a few years. I like him, but thing is, he's going WAY too fast. Not with the sex, we haven't been there, but with the feelings.

 

A few days ago, he told me not to freak out, and started telling me how he'd see us moving in together in a few months, talked about marriage down the road, and so on.

 

I totally freaked out. Totally.

 

Now I don't know what to do. I wonder if he always go so fast in all of his relationships. I wonder if he sees me as someone who's going to take care of him (in a motherly way).

 

I am not sure how to handle it. I want to run so bad. Thing is, he's a nice guy, I don't want to hurt him, and I would like to give our story a go.

 

I just feel like he ruined it by going way too fast.

 

Thought?

[CarrieT]

Trust your gut.

 

RUN

[Popsicle]

You've been dating for a few years and you think he's moving too fast?

 

I'd say it's probably him who needs to run from you.

[Elle1975]

You've been dating for a few years and you think he's moving too fast?

 

I'd say it's probably him who needs to run from you.

 

Seriously.. could you read first.. I haven't been dating him for a few years. I said I have known him for a few years. Actually I have known OF him for a few years, as he's one of my gf's cousin.

[Jessie1231]

Seriously.. could you read first.. I haven't been dating him for a few years. I said I have known him for a few years. Actually I have known OF him for a few years, as he's one of my gf's cousin.

 

Had the same thing! It was one of my friend's cousins. She thought he was great and set us up. First date was great. I think there was a second date that was great. Then I spent a weekend with him and it was the beginning of the end. He talked living together, marriage, kids, etc. I stuck it out for maybe a month because I thought I could slow things to a reasonable pace. No such luck.

 

So I ended things. Not saying this will happen in your situation, but in mine the guy totally lost it after. I mean the texts and calls were nonstop at first. Then still for months after I would get random messages from him. And they would be things that I had to respond to like, "If I don't hear back from you, I'm just going to come by."

 

Since that train wreck, I am very careful about anyone who tries to jump into things too fast.

[preraph]

Well, now is no time to clam up. Now is the time to say, "I am nowhere near wanting to think about the future any further than next Saturday night with you." He may be delusional. This is why it sends up red flags. You just don't start talking marriage when you barely know someone. It indicates he's desperate and in love with love at best; obsessed at worst.

 

And if you're not the domestic type, that might throw cold water on him if that's why he's in such a hurry, but it's usually just desperation and a delusional belief that "the one" has finally dropped in their lap that just goes back to being kind of inexperienced.

 

But if you think you might like him, then proceed with caution, but you need to dash his hopes of instant wife right away and tell him what your plans are, something along the line of: Date a guy for a few years to really get to know them and see if our goals line up before marriage and let him know if you're serious about your career. I mean it sounds like getting to know you isn't high on his priority list. So tell him what you're really like so he can't keep thinking you're like what he hopes you're like. And hold off on sleeping with him until you know if you really like him or not.

[Gary S]

Men moving too fast is a common problem.

 

And I see you are complaining he talked about marriage. I'm sure we'll get a post very soon on this board from someone else complaining about a man afraid of commitment. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game!

 

How long have you actually been dating?

[Gaeta]

Sounds like a typical case of he is more into you then you're into him. If you were into him you would think his little comments are cute.

 

So tell us the truth, deep down you already know he's not the one, right?

[Elle1975]

Men moving too fast is a common problem.

 

And I see you are complaining he talked about marriage. I'm sure we'll get a post very soon on this board from someone else complaining about a man afraid of commitment. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game!

 

How long have you actually been dating?

 

He said that on a second date.

 

He knows I'm a decent person, I have seen him at a few of his family gathering, but he doesn't know "me" per say, if that makes sense.

[frankiesaysrelax]

He may just be the type that wears his heart on his sleeve and he is putting himself out there early on to make sure you have similar expectations for the future.

 

I've seen this issue come up. Usually, it is because the man is ready to settle down - i.e. secure in his business, secure in his ability to provide, etc.

 

If you don't have the same expectations, tell him. The best policy is always HONESTY. Whatever you do, do not try to let him down easy - especially if you think he may love you. Be upfront and blunt.

 

If you want to try to give it a shot, you may be great together and he may be the man whom brings you to want marriage because he is actually ready for it.

[Elle1975]

Well, now is no time to clam up. Now is the time to say, "I am nowhere near wanting to think about the future any further than next Saturday night with you." He may be delusional. This is why it sends up red flags. You just don't start talking marriage when you barely know someone. It indicates he's desperate and in love with love at best; obsessed at worst.

 

And if you're not the domestic type, that might throw cold water on him if that's why he's in such a hurry, but it's usually just desperation and a delusional belief that "the one" has finally dropped in their lap that just goes back to being kind of inexperienced.

 

But if you think you might like him, then proceed with caution, but you need to dash his hopes of instant wife right away and tell him what your plans are, something along the line of: Date a guy for a few years to really get to know them and see if our goals line up before marriage and let him know if you're serious about your career. I mean it sounds like getting to know you isn't high on his priority list. So tell him what you're really like so he can't keep thinking you're like what he hopes you're like. And hold off on sleeping with him until you know if you really like him or not.

 

One of my gfs said the same, "talk to him".

 

About me.. I have always been super independent, and I have a life of my own that I love. Me loving my life is relatively new, so I don't want to let go of it on a whim.

 

Now, getting married isn't something that scares me, it's the whole mentioning too hot too fast that spooked me "real good".

[guest569]

He said that on a second date.

 

He knows I'm a decent person, I have seen him at a few of his family gathering, but he doesn't know "me" per say, if that makes sense.

 

Second date, talking about marriage and living together? How did you respond to that? What did you say to him?

[Elle1975]

Sounds like a typical case of he is more into you then you're into him. If you were into him you would think his little comments are cute.

 

So tell us the truth, deep down you already know he's not the one, right?

 

I don't think that it's something that can be decided so fast. The whole "speed dating" thing isn't very fair; one of men I have loved most, I had a lot a doubts about at first.

 

He may just be the type that wears his heart on his sleeve and he is putting himself out there early on to make sure you have similar expectations for the future.

 

I've seen this issue come up. Usually, it is because the man is ready to settle down - i.e. secure in his business, secure in his ability to provide, etc.

 

If you don't have the same expectations, tell him. The best policy is always HONESTY. Whatever you do, do not try to let him down easy - especially if you think he may love you. Be upfront and blunt.

 

If you want to try to give it a shot, you may be great together and he may be the man whom brings you to want marriage because he is actually ready for it.

 

He totally wears his heart on his sleeves. I am very guarded.

 

I will talk to him. He needs to understand that good things take time to flourish. At least for me it's how it works.

[frankiesaysrelax]

One of my gfs said the same, "talk to him".

 

About me.. I have always been super independent, and I have a life of my own that I love. Me loving my life is relatively new, so I don't want to let go of it on a whim.

 

Now, getting married isn't something that scares me, it's the whole mentioning too hot too fast that spooked me "real good".

 

Sweetheart, if you're approaching or over 30, your looks and fertility are starting to head on their way out. This man may be doing the wise thing by putting his goals and expectations out there early to avoid a relationship with you that ends in "I'm not ready" or "I need time". It is important to make sure both of ya'll got the same goals if you smell what I'm cooking. If you are already out of school, time is not exactly working in your favor and maybe he is actually being level-headed while your fear and insecurities aren't allowing you to simply state what you want.

 

Just remember, if you decide to keep seeing him, even if you have the convo and he slows down - you already know his goals and expectations and you aren't going to change that.

[Elle1975]

Second date, talking about marriage and living together? How did you respond to that? What did you say to him?

 

I freaking went blank. Like ''Ahhhh uhm well.. we got time to get to know each other" or some stupid answer.

 

I know he likes me a lot. I do too, but I don't see myself living with him. I see myself maybe going on a vacation.

 

Maybe I suck. I don't know.

[frankiesaysrelax]

I don't think that it's something that can be decided so fast. The whole "speed dating" thing isn't very fair; one of men I have loved most, I had a lot a doubts about at first.

 

 

 

He totally wears his heart on his sleeves. I am very guarded.

 

I will talk to him. He needs to understand that good things take time to flourish. At least for me it's how it works.

 

Well, if he is being honest, you should too. If you guys give it a shot, remember that you already know what his heart desires and if you lead him into a relationship and then flake out without a good reason, it's going to end ugly.

[Gaeta]

 

I know he likes me a lot. I do too, but I don't see myself living with him. I see myself maybe going on a vacation.

 

There you go, you already know he's not the one.

[frankiesaysrelax]

There you go, you already know he's not the one.

 

This is nonsense. If you really like the guy and are dumb enough to break it off because of one thing he said, you don't deserve a husband or family nor will you likely ever have one.

 

Just talk to him and be honest for Christ's sake. Why is that so hard for women? Work through your problems. Don't run from them.

[Gary S]

2nd date huh. It does happen a lot, it's not uncommon. Just have a conversation, put up boundaries... you can say the word "no", right?! See if you can date him for awhile to see where it goes. I guess if he won;t slow down and it turns you off too much, you'll walk.

 

Hey look at the bright side... at least you don't have to worry about rejection if he's the one coming on strong. Perhaps you can see the advantage of this.

[Gaeta]

This is nonsense. If you really like the guy and are dumb enough to break it off because of one thing he said, you don't deserve a husband or family nor will you likely ever have one.

 

What are you talking about !!

[guest569]

I freaking went blank. Like ''Ahhhh uhm well.. we got time to get to know each other" or some stupid answer.

 

I know he likes me a lot. I do too, but I don't see myself living with him. I see myself maybe going on a vacation.

 

Maybe I suck. I don't know.

 

I would have probably reacted the same way. I find it a bit strange to talk about marriage to someone who is basically a stranger still. I agree with you that these things take time. I would be wary of someone who could mention marriage so quickly, can he change his mind at the drop of a hat too?

[Elle1975]

Sweetheart, if you're approaching or over 30, your looks and fertility are starting to head on their way out. This man may be doing the wise thing by putting his goals and expectations out there early to avoid a relationship with you that ends in "I'm not ready" or "I need time". It is important to make sure both of ya'll got the same goals if you smell what I'm cooking. If you are already out of school, time is not exactly working in your favor and maybe he is actually being level-headed while your fear and insecurities aren't allowing you to simply state what you want.

 

Just remember, if you decide to keep seeing him, even if you have the convo and he slows down - you already know his goals and expectations and you aren't going to change that.

 

I am over 40, and I don't want kids; it's too late for me, for different reasons.

 

The whole look thing I am not worried about. I have a life that I really enjoy.

 

As for my goals, he knows I am looking for something serious, and not for a fling. We did talk about it.

 

It's not like I don't want to get married. I just wish he'd "chill" a little, for lack of better word.

[frankiesaysrelax]

Smiley, if he is certain that he wants someone going out for marriage, it's probably not a fluke. That probably is exactly what he wants in life. In fact, he probably knew bringing it up early would put you on the spot and that's probably why he said it.

[Gaeta]

Wait...........

 

You only had 2 dates?

[guest569]

This is nonsense. If you really like the guy and are dumb enough to break it off because of one thing he said, you don't deserve a husband or family nor will you likely ever have one.

 

Just talk to him and be honest for Christ's sake. Why is that so hard for women? Work through your problems. Don't run from them.

 

Well that is hardly fair. Could you ever imagine yourself marrying someone after ONE date? I certainly cannot. It's absolute madness. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone, so soon. I also wouldn't discount him as 'the one' purely on this. He did say 'don't freak out' which indicates he knows its too soon. I don't think he is ready to get down on one knee.