Getting serious

[No_Go]

We're dating now for about month and a half, seeing each other 3-5 times a week. He asked for exclusivity on date 3, but later on he told me that we'll be moving slow because he doesn't want to scare me with commitment talks.

 

Now we planned a trip to his family house. It will be right after our second month anniversary. It is not a casual trip, we need to drive through 5 states to get there, plus they have an important family event then.

 

On my side, I've never introduced anybody to my family (which is far away geographically).. so to me sound like we're taking our relationship one level up in seriousness. I love him, so it is a good thing, but had a very disturbing experience with con-men before (who took advantage of me financially and emotionally by speeding up our relationships), so I'm a bit on the fence. My gut says it is not the case this time but... Just looking for opinions, are we rushing it too much, or this is a healthy progression?

[Gary S]

but had a very disturbing experience with con-men before (who took advantage of me financially and emotionally by speeding up our relationships), s

 

- What happened?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Doesn't seem to fast too me. Just depends on your individual family's culture and traditions. Some families only introduce a partner once they're about to get engaged, for others it's no big deal. I know I've introduced boyfriends before after a month or two, it's quite casual with my parents so usually just that I was around near their house with a new boyfriend and dropped in. If you're really crazy about someone and feel like it's going somewhere there's nothing intrinsically wrong with 'meeting the family' as far as I can see.

 

I'd say you've been burnt by past experiences being conned, therefore you're warier than you need to be with this.

[Redhead14]

We're dating now for about month and a half, seeing each other 3-5 times a week. He asked for exclusivity on date 3, but later on he told me that we'll be moving slow because he doesn't want to scare me with commitment talks.

 

Now we planned a trip to his family house. It will be right after our second month anniversary. It is not a casual trip, we need to drive through 5 states to get there, plus they have an important family event then.

 

On my side, I've never introduced anybody to my family (which is far away geographically).. so to me sound like we're taking our relationship one level up in seriousness. I love him, so it is a good thing, but had a very disturbing experience with con-men before (who took advantage of me financially and emotionally by speeding up our relationships), so I'm a bit on the fence. My gut says it is not the case this time but... Just looking for opinions, are we rushing it too much, or this is a healthy progression?

 

This may be moving a little too quickly. Three to five times a week after only a month and a half, is really too much too soon. If nothing else, the lack of space will burn it out. This is also sometimes a sign of your previous experiences, blow torching. Blow torching is when a man comes on very strong in the beginning and then falls off just as quickly. As far as you loving him after only a month and half . . . I'm thinking it's just the initial endorphin rush people get in the very beginning of a new relationship.

 

Traveling with a man to meet his family after only a month and a half is rushing things a little too. However, you are doing a little bit of assuming by saying it "sounds" like the relationship is being taken up a level. This man specifically told you that he wants to take it slow with you and now he's taking you to meet family. He may not view this as another level. He may simply be bringing a "guest" to the event. Pay attention to how he introduces you at the event.

 

And, as I pointed out above, he wants to go slow but he's seeing you 3 to 5 times a week and introducing you to family. To me that's a little bit of a contradiction.

 

The important thing really is, if you are feeling rushed, you share responsibility in maintaining the pace. I'd pull back a little. See him only twice a week at best for a little while and observe his behavior.

[No_Go]

- What happened?

 

Ohh, the recent one is in this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504300-break-up-live-mooching-boyfriend

In short: we moved in together after a month, just to discover that he is: 1) completely broke (penniless) and expecting me to pay for absolutely every single expense of his; 2) alcoholic (severe), threatening me with insane statements after getting drunk; 3) has criminal background... can go on an on

 

The other case: also completely broke (at least expecting me to pay only for part of his expenses....haha); had violent bursts (verbal AND physical); turned violent and threatening after I asked to break up; stalked me for months after.

 

Not a pretty relationship experience, right?

[No_Go]

Good to hear that. You're right - I can't fully relax because of the past, although ALL my instincts this time tell me he's genuine and I can trust him... He is the most honest person that I've ever been with..

 

Doesn't seem to fast too me. Just depends on your individual family's culture and traditions. Some families only introduce a partner once they're about to get engaged, for others it's no big deal. I know I've introduced boyfriends before after a month or two, it's quite casual with my parents so usually just that I was around near their house with a new boyfriend and dropped in. If you're really crazy about someone and feel like it's going somewhere there's nothing intrinsically wrong with 'meeting the family' as far as I can see.

 

I'd say you've been burnt by past experiences being conned, therefore you're warier than you need to be with this.

[Redhead14]

Good to hear that. You're right - I can't fully relax because of the past, although ALL my instincts this time tell me he's genuine and I can trust him... He is the most honest person that I've ever been with..

 

It's only a month and a half, you don't know enough yet. You don't know how honest he is yet. You apparently thought the others were honest and quickly entered into "relationships" with them. Learn from your past, don't stay stuck in it. Give this more time and pace it a little better to let it play out before you get too "comfortable".

[smackie9]

Keep the lines of communication open, discuss finances (who pays for what) during this trip before hand, and never fall for the "I'll pay ya back later...." learn to say no.

[No_Go]

I don't think we're blowtorching though because many times we meet in public with other people (friends).

 

I'm very curious how the introductions will go.

 

He is a little contradictory in his words, I admit. But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it is just his relative lack of experience, so he's basically talking out loud his thoughts, not making clear cut statements.

 

(example: I posted about him before when he asked to be exclusive within the first week after we've met, many people said is a strategy for him to become sexual, which wasn't the case - he didn't change in a negative way after we slept together).

 

The pull back right now it will be difficult.. I'm getting a little infatuated and crave our meets.

 

This may be moving a little too quickly. Three to five times a week after only a month and a half, is really too much too soon. If nothing else, the lack of space will burn it out. This is also sometimes a sign of your previous experiences, blow torching. Blow torching is when a man comes on very strong in the beginning and then falls off just as quickly. As far as you loving him after only a month and half . . . I'm thinking it's just the initial endorphin rush people get in the very beginning of a new relationship.

 

Traveling with a man to meet his family after only a month and a half is rushing things a little too. However, you are doing a little bit of assuming by saying it "sounds" like the relationship is being taken up a level. This man specifically told you that he wants to take it slow with you and now he's taking you to meet family. He may not view this as another level. He may simply be bringing a "guest" to the event. Pay attention to how he introduces you at the event.

 

And, as I pointed out above, he wants to go slow but he's seeing you 3 to 5 times a week and introducing you to family. To me that's a little bit of a contradiction.

 

The important thing really is, if you are feeling rushed, you share responsibility in maintaining the pace. I'd pull back a little. See him only twice a week at best for a little while and observe his behavior.

[Gary S]

Ouch, sorry I asked. Yeah, don't move in together for at least 18 months. You want to see a track record over time like the creditors do. But it's so great that you are dating again and it seems to be going well!

 

Is this the "he Said, She Said" show with Redhead and Gary today?

 

Generally, you should wait six months to introduce friends and family. But since things are going very well (I don't think think one is going too fast), it's a special event, and especially because it sounds like most of your time will be spent on your road trip to Wally World with him, I say go for it, and have fun!

 

You say your gut tells you he's okay... I believe you. Always listen to your intuition,

[No_Go]

Yeah, I want to find the balance between being "naive/too comfortable" and being "suspicious/guarded". Right now I'm a bit of both, not balansed in a good way

 

It's only a month and a half, you don't know enough yet. You don't know how honest he is yet. You apparently thought the others were honest and quickly entered into "relationships" with them. Learn from your past, don't stay stuck in it. Give this more time and pace it a little better to let it play out before you get too "comfortable".

[Redhead14]

I don't think we're blowtorching though because many times we meet in public with other people (friends).

 

I'm very curious how the introductions will go.

 

He is a little contradictory in his words, I admit. But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced it is just his relative lack of experience, so he's basically talking out loud his thoughts, not making clear cut statements.

 

(example: I posted about him before when he asked to be exclusive within the first week after we've met, many people said is a strategy for him to become sexual, which wasn't the case - he didn't change in a negative way after we slept together).

 

The pull back right now it will be difficult.. I'm getting a little infatuated and crave our meets.

 

I'm getting a little infatuated and crave our meets -- be careful with this . . . it causes 2 things to happen sometimes 1) neediness which pushes men away often and 2) it causes a person to be "blinded" and not see things as they are.

 

That's all I'm going to say. I hope it works out for you. There's really no way know if it will or not except to go with it for a while and give it a chance if in general it's feeling right.

[Gary S]

Redhead, the girl is in love

 

It's okay to fall in love, (as long as he is too)... um, that's what's supposed to happen here You want to also stay objective and listen to your gut. You just have to do both at the same time.

 

Whatsamatter, you never heard of multitasking?

 

I will add, make sure he loves you more and you'll have a lot less problems.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Gary S

[Syberia]

I will add, make sure he loves you more and you'll have a lot less problems.

"I love you more"

 

"No, I love you more"

 

"I love you the mostest"

 

.....an hour later....

 

"I love you the mostest times infinity"

 

"I love you the mostest times infinity plus one"

 

"That's still infinity, dear <3"

 

 

I've been down this road, lol

Edited April 21, 2015 by Syberia

[Redhead14]

Redhead, the girl is in love

 

It's okay to fall in love, (as long as he is too)... um, that's what's supposed to happen here You want to also stay objective and listen to your gut. You just have to do both at the same time.

 

Whatsamatter, you never heard of multitasking?

 

I will add, make sure he loves you more and you'll have a lot less problems.

 

I'm all for falling in love, but I'd rather let it grow than have it all up front. If you fall hard and fast and it ends quickly, it hurts more I think.

 

I always say that in the beginning it's important to manage your emotions and expectations. It's OK to enjoy the endorphin high of the new relationship but to also realize that it isn't love yet. You can't really love a person until you know the whole person. And, you don't see the whole person in just a month or so. You don't usually know how they handle stress, conflict, communication, etc. These are elements that come out later and you find that you aren't compatible on those levels.

 

How many times do we see someone post about a new relationship where they are head over heals after a month or so and later start posting about how the other person has changed. They haven't changed, they are just allowing all the other aspects of their personality, beliefs, attitudes, etc. to come forth. That's not a bad thing, it's just that the other person is now seeing more of the real person. Sometimes those new elements that are coming out don't work for the other person but they are so "in love" and try to push it aside. That's how people start feeling trapped in a relationship. They like the "love" feeling or the feeling of being in a relationship, but it's really not working all around.

 

All I'm saying is she should try to keep her emotions in check for a little while longer. It does reduce the hurt if the relationship falls apart in a relatively short time.

 

You usually know you're in love when their spitting and burping and farting in public don't bother you and when you can do all that in front of them

[Gary S]

 

You usually know you're in love when their spitting and burping and farting in public don't bother you and when you can do all that in front of them

 

- Exsqueeze me

 

Well, when it happens, love happens in a certain time frame, and she is right on track, she's very close. In fact, the next couple weeks could be very exciting for her

 

I don't advocate going too fast either... going too fast would be things such as having sex on date one, or moving in, but I don't see that here, I just don't see a problem.