loveweary11 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 My ex wife had mental problems surrounding the holidays, so we often skipped them. We didn't celebrate birthdays, valentines day or even our anniversary. At first, it took some getting used to. After a couple years, I LOVED it! We were together 24/7/365 and lived and worked together. So instead of being distant and apart most days and needing to make up for it with a "special" day, all days were special. I really like this way of living. Very care free and happy for both. No expectations from either side. Question is... how likely am i to find another person like myself who isn't into all that stuff and would prefer to have good days together every day? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Since this is a strong expectation with you, specify on your dating profile or discuss it during conversations on your dates. OR date a Jehova's Witness....they don't celebrate those kinds of things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Question is... how likely am i to find another person like myself who isn't into all that stuff and would prefer to have good days together every day? Why can't you do both? Is it really that difficult? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 My x-wife was like that too. I hated it. My Current GF isn't that big on them either. I'm sure you'll have no problem finding someone like that if it's what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm sort of in between. I have no problems with holidays or negative associations, but growing up holidays were never a big deal, just low key, so I've never had a super important association with them. As long as quality time is spent I'm not fussed about how "special" it is. And gifts? Well, I'm a minimalist and I also get really anxious when people spend money on me, so I like gifts to be kept to a minimum. Maybe one thing if it's an actual item, but I also like gifts that are an experience rather than a thing. All in all, a day is just a day. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 It takes time to build this kind of relationship. I honestly think you will have to go through the motions on many a valentines day to get this message to sink in. Women who already believe like this tend to be very practical and not easily influenced by the world around them. Otherwise they a lady at work get flowers for Vday and feel jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I never celebrated them with my ex husband either. One year we both completely forgot our anniversary, and neither of us cared really. I guess it's supposed to be important, but it wasn't to me. Same with Christmas, Valentine's, and any other holiday people have come up with. I like it that way. The only holiday I've celebrated since then was this past Valentine's Day. A guy I've been seeing met me in a city near him and we spent the weekend there. We agreed to not make it into a weird Valentine's celebration and just spent the weekend doing regular stuff you would do when you go on a weekend trip. He and I didn't do anything for Christmas at all besides going to his company Christmas party. It was such a relief to find someone who is ok with what I thought was a weird view I have about holidays. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I love holidays and birthdays. I don't see why you can't have both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Yes... i think it actually has strong ties to being minimalist and practical. While the ex's reasons were more emotional for December holidays, I really started to develop an appreciation for the simplicity of having valentine's day every day, rather than some day they tell you to be nice to your partner. The minimalist in me sees these things as unnecessary and distracting. I also don't like people to buy me things. For years I've bedn telling everyone not to buy me things. My mother finally figured a way around it and got me the perfect gift for a minimalist. Real maple syrup from the state I grew up in as well as artisan bath soap from the same. This was the only gift I've ever not felt awkward about getting. Gifting holds expectations, disappointment, analysis of the meaning behind it, etc. All a huge hassle. I feel life would be better without gifts that are expected on certain days. I'm sort of in between. I have no problems with holidays or negative associations, but growing up holidays were never a big deal, just low key, so I've never had a super important association with them. As long as quality time is spent I'm not fussed about how "special" it is. And gifts? Well, I'm a minimalist and I also get really anxious when people spend money on me, so I like gifts to be kept to a minimum. Maybe one thing if it's an actual item, but I also like gifts that are an experience rather than a thing. All in all, a day is just a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm glad to see there are other people out here with similar thoughts, especially female people. Gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) My ex wife had mental problems surrounding the holidays, so we often skipped them. We didn't celebrate birthdays, valentines day or even our anniversary. At first, it took some getting used to. After a couple years, I LOVED it! We were together 24/7/365 and lived and worked together. So instead of being distant and apart most days and needing to make up for it with a "special" day, all days were special. I really like this way of living. Very care free and happy for both. No expectations from either side. Question is... how likely am i to find another person like myself who isn't into all that stuff and would prefer to have good days together every day? I can't say how likely it is, but I'm sure if you make it known it's possible. You also didn't just get up one day feeling this way but adapted based on your ex wife so it's possible for someone else to adapt OR for you to adapt and go back to celebrating holidays or giving gifts. Personally, I find the everyday is special thing a little corny. If everyday is special no day is special. The average person does not walk around thinking all 365 days a year are special. Maybe on some philosophical level but it's pretty difficult to do practically. You can treat your significant other well and love them everyday and still also set aside " extra special days" to spice things up in the 365 days. It's like your favorite food or a special dessert, eating it every single day makes it pretty mundane and sometimes the fact that you don't eat it daily is what makes it extra special when you do. But anyway, I do think you can find a woman who feels the same, Jehovah's Witnesses as a rule don't celebrate any special days and lots of them exist. Edited April 20, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I would not bet on finding another women who does not like holidays. You will probably make your dating pool so small, it's going to be tough to find a match. I think you are dreaming, it's unrealistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Quit being selfish, look at the big picture, and just do it. If you really love the woman, giving a gift to her three days out of the year is nothing in exchange for the love and companionship you get back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Question is... how likely am i to find another person like myself who isn't into all that stuff and would prefer to have good days together every day? Nothing's impossible, but I think it's unlikely. There are plenty of women out there who aren't necessarily into getting gifts (I'm one of them - I mean I like gifts but I don't go nuts over them), but I think most of those women would also be put off by a guy who didn't want to give them gifts. See what I mean? The heart and all that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Quit being selfish, look at the big picture, and just do it. If you really love the woman, giving a gift to her three days out of the year is nothing in exchange for the love and companionship you get back. I'm not one to say I should get a gift (i don't want one), but what am I getting for the equal amout of love and companionship I'm giving her? If my partner feels as you do, that I "owe" my partner things to pay for her love and companionship, she's getting dumped. Actually, those people are weeded out on the first few dates. Easy to spot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Nothing's impossible, but I think it's unlikely. There are plenty of women out there who aren't necessarily into getting gifts (I'm one of them - I mean I like gifts but I don't go nuts over them), but I think most of those women would also be put off by a guy who didn't want to give them gifts. See what I mean? The heart and all that. Ok, i hear that. But what if there are other things? Experiences? As I said somewhere recently, I'm no stranger to spending $500 to go out for a night with someone I'm into or $3000 in a weekend. I don't do this all the time, but I do treat those I'm with to fun, interesting times all year round, because I want to. Rather than collecting stuff (minimalist), I prefer to collect experiences and hope to find someone similar. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm not one to say I should get a gift (i don't want one), but what am I getting for the equal amout of love and companionship I'm giving her? If my partner feels as you do, that I "owe" my partner things to pay for her love and companionship, she's getting dumped. Actually, those people are weeded out on the first few dates. Easy to spot. I don't think it is selfish at all. Some people just don't care for holidays. I'm one of them. You spend too much time and effort buying gifts that people probably don't want or need just because there's this expectation that you're supposed to do it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. It's just what everyone is supposed to do. It means much more to me when someone gets a gift that really means something and gives it to me on some random day, just because they saw something they knew I would love. Same goes with giving gifts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 * * Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm not one to say I should get a gift (i don't want one), but what am I getting for the equal amout of love and companionship I'm giving her? If my partner feels as you do, that I "owe" my partner things to pay for her love and companionship, she's getting dumped. Actually, those people are weeded out on the first few dates. Easy to spot. I'm not saying you owe her anything. You have a very pessimistic and narrow view of how you view relationships. You can chose to view gift-giving as a negative, or you can chose to view it along the same vein as she loves hockey. Does that mean you have to love it? No. Does that mean you have to go to a hockey game? No. Would it be nice if you were supportive of your partner and sat down to watch a game with her because it would make her happy and you love her? Yes. Same with giving gifts. Anyways, birthdays and anniversaries and christmas are TRADITIONS; not a way for a woman to whore herself out in exchange for love and affection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I don't think it is selfish at all. Some people just don't care for holidays. I'm one of them. You spend too much time and effort buying gifts that people probably don't want or need just because there's this expectation that you're supposed to do it. It doesn't even mean anything anymore. It's just what everyone is supposed to do. It means much more to me when someone gets a gift that really means something and gives it to me on some random day, just because they saw something they knew I would love. Same goes with giving gifts. See, to me... this is intelligence. She gets how this weird expectation is put upon us at specific days. I do just what she's talking about. Random acts of kindness, coupled with lots of unique and interesting experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm not saying you owe her anything. You have a very pessimistic and narrow view of how you view relationships. You can chose to view gift-giving as a negative, or you can chose to view it along the same vein as she loves hockey. Does that mean you have to love it? No. Does that mean you have to go to a hockey game? No. Would it be nice if you were supportive of your partner and sat down to watch a game with her because it would make her happy and you love her? Yes. Same with giving gifts. Anyways, birthdays and anniversaries and christmas are TRADITIONS; not a way for a woman to whore herself out in exchange for love and affection. That was how your post put it. As i owed her this for payment for love and companionship. Point blank... i just prefer girls like Jessie. Girls who are unconventional, not boring and who think. PS: I don't like any team sports. My girl never has an obligation to do anything like that. Worst thing is she may be asked to read her book or go online while laying together in quiet couple reading time. But then, she's already doing that anyway. I do not put any expectations on those I'm with. Just the most basic things. These things are the relationship deal breakers where you won't even go out with them if they aren't met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 See, to me... this is intelligence. She gets how this weird expectation is put upon us at specific days. I do just what she's talking about. Random acts of kindness, coupled with lots of unique and interesting experiences. You should do what you think is best. If you don't care for holidays, then make a mention on your OLD profile (or whatever it is you are doing to get girls). Personally I love holidays. I am also a minimalist and I hate getting stuff. I'm also really busy at the moment since I'm finishing up my undergrad in chemistry while publishing papers, doing grad school apps and scholarship apps and proposals etc. However my boyfriend knows all this and took me on a lunch date, and then a walk in the botanical garden, and then ice cream in a tourist town outside the city for Valentine's Day. For my birthday he took me mini golfing (I haven't done that in years!). Our dates are cheap, there's no exchange of stuff (well besides the card I drew him while he was overseas on his birthday), and we both have fun. Its possible to have a compromise. Holidays allow me to clear my schedule (which is difficult to clear) and its a day I look forward to for a nice date and some fun. If you end up dating a girl who likes celebrating holidays, you can always just take her out on a fun date. Its not that hard to do, there's no agony over what gift to get, no stuff involved. My boyfriend is a smart guy, his dates are super fun, very easy on his wallet and they create wonderful memories for both of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm a fan of experiences and quality time over physical gifts. My ex knew I love fishing, so he took me. Knew I love baseball, took me to a game. I like getting to go to cool places and do fun things. There's no need for piles of gifts just for the sake of a holiday. Take Christmas for example. I love it. I love the Christmassy atmosphere, the trees, the lights, sitting by the fire listening to Christmas music. But gifts? Not terribly important to me. On Christmas Day it's always just me and my parents, we exchange 1 or 2 things, I make pancakes, and then we just hang out and relax for the rest of the day. No big to do about it, just spending time. Valentine's Day? Only celebrated it once. Not a big deal. Birthdays? Grew up having them not be a big deal. My mom and I would bake a cake together and pick strawberries out in the backyard to put on it. And that was all! I loved those cakes.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Breezee Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Huh! I was sort of like that with the STBXH. We bought Christmas & bday gifts, did not do Valentines day because anniv was a week later & we went for special dinner & flowers. He never wanted gifts, we stopped doing gifts after 5 years and he was a bad gift giver anyway, I never liked his taste in jewelry. If I saw something I thought he might like then I bought it but never expected anything in return. I loved not having the pressure of wondering what the heck he needed/wanted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveweary11 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 You should do what you think is best. If you don't care for holidays, then make a mention on your OLD profile (or whatever it is you are doing to get girls). Personally I love holidays. I am also a minimalist and I hate getting stuff. I'm also really busy at the moment since I'm finishing up my undergrad in chemistry while publishing papers, doing grad school apps and scholarship apps and proposals etc. However my boyfriend knows all this and took me on a lunch date, and then a walk in the botanical garden, and then ice cream in a tourist town outside the city for Valentine's Day. For my birthday he took me mini golfing (I haven't done that in years!). Our dates are cheap, there's no exchange of stuff (well besides the card I drew him while he was overseas on his birthday), and we both have fun. Its possible to have a compromise. Holidays allow me to clear my schedule (which is difficult to clear) and its a day I look forward to for a nice date and some fun. If you end up dating a girl who likes celebrating holidays, you can always just take her out on a fun date. Its not that hard to do, there's no agony over what gift to get, no stuff involved. My boyfriend is a smart guy, his dates are super fun, very easy on his wallet and they create wonderful memories for both of us. See... your guy does this stuff on holidays. I do this stuff every week or 2 as the mood strikes us. I do these types of things and much much more on a daily basis, not on specific days on the calendar. I'm not sure some of you are getting the level at which I treat my wife/girlfriend to fun. In one year, we may.,. Go to any number of museums or galleris she is interested in Visit several parts of the usa, living in them for a season or month Take lots and lots of walks Cook interesting and fun meals together Hiking Snowboarding Reading Spend hours and hours at Sephora Go shopping for clothes Go on bike rides go sailing Visit family at farms and ride horses and 4 wheeler forage for wild edibles Take more walks (almost done on a daily basis and in many locations as we travel) specific to ex wife.... bird sanctuaries, vintage clothing shops, etc...i I do this stuff daily and weekly, not once in a while. I just think gifts are stupid when you're required to give them. And most times unless you really, really feel the urge. Link to post Share on other sites
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