Not respecting my wishes

[keylime009]

I have been with my bf for 2.5 yrs now. Last summer he taught a class, and a male friend of my bf had his female "friend" come thru this class. First off the way she came dressed to the class, was not appropriate (daisy dukes, low cut top) as this was an active class. then months later she proceed to ask by bf if he would like to join her for a walk and coffee..he declined. Months later, she had starting on occasion sending pics of herself and/or amother female friend..again in skimpy or partially reveling clothes. She has invited him to join her and/or friend's to join her, without me. she also complains about her relationship to him that involves his friend/coworker, which he isn't comfortable with. I asked him to tell her to please kept it to a minimum of just business only.is He was scrolling thru his phone last night and I see that they talk or text pretty much every day. He says they don't but last night I saw that he is lying to me about how much time they really communicate as he scrolled his text..he may delete the text messages however doesn't delete the logs. I know I shouldn't snoop but my woman's intuition was telling me something isn't right and I'm Correct. If you have to cover or hide it, you should be doing it. I don't trust this woman's intentions, but he says trust me I'd tell u if she attempt Something. I just don't understand why he can't let go and keep communication with her on a business level only like I asked. She has other guy friends. I'm not sure what my next step is ps the only time she calls or text is when I'm not around

Edited April 19, 2015 by keylime009

[Gaeta]

Here is the thing: She has already attempted something. She is attempting something every day she messages things.

 

How did your boyfriend ended up having her number?

[keylime009]

People that come thru his class, he has their Contact info. She usually initiates the contact, sometimes he responds. i noticed that text messages are deleted however the call/text log wasn't deleted. He says trust me, I have no interest in her that way and nothings going to.happen. i said I don't trust her intentions

[GemmaUK]

2.5 years in and if you are both open with texts and all that is on your phones then he is deleting messages for a reason.

His actions are showing there is something fishy just by deleting texts.

Maybe he likes the attention.

 

However, I would be untrusting of him for deleting.

 

It sounds way over the top when written down but I saw a show one time where a psychologist was talking about long term relationships and literally stating that people need to say 'You have a choice to continue this or to choose me'.

No other words are required and having a bag packed means you mean 100% what you are saying.

I did this one time over something seemingly trivial and I had a bag packed.

We had been together for 8 years.

My partner's behaviour stopped that day and he never did it again.

 

He saw I wasn't going to put up with it and was fully prepared to walk.

I put value in myself rather than putting all of the value upon the relationship.

[Gaeta]

People that come thru his class, he has their Contact info. She usually initiates the contact, sometimes he responds. i noticed that text messages are deleted however the call/text log wasn't deleted. He says trust me, I have no interest in her that way and nothings going to.happen. i said I don't trust her intentions

 

Her intentions should not be your worry. If you had a serious and considerate boyfriend he would not exchange on text with his female students. I find this extremely inappropriate. In a normal world you email your teacher to seek additional help, you don't text him. Your boyfriend should be handing out his email address at the beginning of class and not the personal one but the one given to him by the school, and nothing else.

 

Other concern is him deleting his conversation with this woman. He is not deleting her messages because he considers them unimportant, no, sorry I don't believe that. He deletes them so they can't be traced and you don't see them by accident.

 

So, if your boyfriend can be trusted as he says he should not have any problems not deleting her messages from now on, right?

 

I think your boyfriend like her attention. Maybe he has no intention of cheating BUT he is definitely playing with fire and people playing with fire usually get burn. Most men think they would never cheat on their girlfriend and just feel flattered by the attention but when they find themselves alone with hot girl and she's all over them, they end up cheating.

 

Your boyfriend has to decide what's most important to him 1) you and his relationship with you 2) a student with a little too much raging hormones who's crossing the line.

[keylime009]

I'm not sure how to approach him again, but without letting him know that I have been through his phone.. which some people will say is wrong. My girlfriend told me to never lose your woman's intuition. .when she did it messed her up and later found her intuitions were indeed correct. I told him if she would contact him again, I will be private messaging her. we are in our 40s..and i think her in her early 50..so yes grown adults and she is NOT a very attractive woman either, but to each their own

Edited April 19, 2015 by keylime009

[Gaeta]

I'm not sure how to approach him again, but without letting him know that I have been through his phone.. which some people will say is wrong. My girlfriend told me to never lose your woman's intuition. .when she did it messed her up and later found her intuitions were indeed correct. I told him if she would contact him again, I will be private messaging her.

 

You don't need to tell him how you know. Just tell him you know he is in touch with a female students and that she is actively pursuing him. Tell him this kind of inappropriate communication is disrespectful of you and of your relationship and you hope he will realize that the little bit of attention he gets from her is not worth losing you.

 

Do not private message her, oh my god! When you find yourself about to message a woman to stay away from your man you've reached a new low. It should really give you a cue that you are with the wrong man. She is not your problem, your boyfriend is.

[Methodical]

She def. has nefarious intentions and is seeking attention. Sending pics of herself and/or female friends is crossing the line and can't be excused as something professionally related. Once that happened, he should have blocked her immediately, but by not doing so, he has sent the message that it's okay/he likes it. His approval has been further solidified by his continual communication on a daily basis. And yes, if he is deleting stuff, there's a reason. Harmless, professional, friend zone communication doesn't need to be hidden.

[keylime009]

We worked in the same field 15yr ago, just a working relationship..nothing more. We re connected 2.5 yrs ago. Every now and then, My ex husband best friend reached out to me to see how I was doing. Nothing more than genuine concern. My current bf, I shared content as I had nothing to hide..he didn't feel comfortable and saw it from a guys point of view, thought it may be heading a differenT. I stopped communication as he suggested. And also dis connected from mutant guy friends/former Co workers on fb, as I knew he was uncomfortable with that, I wasn't close with any of them, just aquaintance. I just don't understand why he can't do same for me

[katiegrl]

People that come thru his class, he has their Contact info. She usually initiates the contact, sometimes he responds. i noticed that text messages are deleted however the call/text log wasn't deleted. He says trust me, I have no interest in her that way and nothings going to.happen. i said I don't trust her intentions

 

I don't believe that. If he were being honest, he would say "sure she is hot and I am flattered, and if she wasn't my student and I weren't with you I might pursue it....however I AM with you, and I love YOU..and would never ever to anything to jeopardize that!"

 

THAT would have been honest.

Edited April 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

We worked in the same field 15yr ago, just a working relationship..nothing more. We re connected 2.5 yrs ago. Every now and then, My ex husband best friend reached out to me to see how I was doing. Nothing more than genuine concern. My current bf, I shared content as I had nothing to hide..he didn't feel comfortable and saw it from a guys point of view, thought it may be heading a differenT. I stopped communication as he suggested. And also dis connected from mutant guy friends/former Co workers on fb, as I knew he was uncomfortable with that, I wasn't close with any of them, just aquaintance. I just don't understand why he can't do same for me

 

Because he enjoys the attention, is attracted to her...and doesn't want to!!

[Gaeta]

I just don't understand why he can't do same for me

 

It shows where his heart is. I am sorry.

 

I think you need to rock the boat and see what he is made of.

[GemmaUK]

He has a double standard and it's OK for him to boost his ego with her.

He probably has no intention whatsoever of starting anything with her but at the same time he is not respecting you by letting her think she has an 'in'.

 

Don't message her.

Your actual problem is not with her.

It's with him replying to her. He can very easily choose not to reply.

 

I would be upfront and totally open about how you know.

 

You were concerned, you checked his phone, you checked his log and it didn't match the texts that were left on his phone so you can see he deleted some.

 

Tell him straight up. Don't say sorry for checking either and don't apologise if he gets angry that you checked.

If he doesn't have anything to hide he may be a little upset that you checked but he won't be angry.

 

'I had a gut instinct so I checked your phone. The log shows more texts than are left on your phone so you clearly deleted some of the texts.

If you want to continue texting her then I am leaving now, today.'

 

Is all that you need to say. No more words are required. No shouting nor apologies or defending what you did.

 

Just silence and a bag packed.

See what he does and says. If you aren't happy then you walk out bag in hand.

[keylime009]

It hurts when u are willing to comply because it makes the other person uncomfortable but they can't do the same for you. Unfortunately I have to wait until he gets home froM work..as its not the place to start things

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, OP, I think you have a problem here. But as the others said, it's not so much with this other woman. It's with your boyfriend. He is openly disrespecting you and it does indeed appear he's interested in her, at least more so than a taken man - and her freakin' instructor - should be. I don't believe that he doesn't reach out to her first sometimes, nor that their conversations are totally innocent. He wouldn't be deleting the evidence if that were the case; you know and he knows it too.

[Gary S]

Well if he's turning down coffee dates, you have a good one.

 

But texts and Spacebook? - nothing is gonna happen there, it's not real. I wonder if you ladies might be going overboard on this one? You can't kiss in cyberspace.

 

That said, if she is sending him exclusive pictures of her scantily clothed? Hmmm - or are these pics on Spacebook private or public?

 

If the man is in love with the woman and has integrity, he's not going to cheat.

 

If a man's girlfriend says, "Honey, look at the pretty girl on TV!" - he should reply, "Whatcha 'talkin bout Willis?! - I have the prettiest girl of them all right here beside me!"

[katiegrl]

Well if he's turning down coffee dates, you have a good one.

 

But texts and Spacebook? - nothing is gonna happen there, it's not real. I wonder if you ladies might be going overboard on this one? You can't kiss in cyberspace.

 

That said, if she is sending him exclusive pictures of her scantily clothed? Hmmm - or are these pics on Spacebook private or public?

 

If the man is in love with the woman and has integrity, he's not going to cheat.

 

If a man's girlfriend says, "Honey, look at the pretty girl on TV!" - he should reply, "Whatcha 'talkin bout Willis?! - I have the prettiest girl of them all right here beside me!"

 

If he is communicating with her and responding to her flirtations, and then deleting from his phone so his gf won't find them...that is a form if deception, and deception is cheating -- emotionally cheating!

 

Come on Gary, you are a grown man, you should know that!

[elaine567]

But texts and Spacebook? - nothing is gonna happen there, it's not real. I wonder if you ladies might be going overboard on this one? You can't kiss in cyberspace.

 

 

This is not JUST cyberspace, this is cyberspace augmenting what may be happening in real life.

They are not separated by thousands of miles here.

[Gary S]

So what is the nature of the texts? Are they flirty or just friendly? I wanna see them.... me nosey!

 

I have lady friends I text and I've shown the texts to a girlfriend before. But they were not flirty, so it was benign.

 

Oh, I just thought of something... let me tell you what I do... I actually introduce my lady friends to a girlfriend.... we double-date, or go to parties.... I want them to meet... deep down, I wish they would become friends!

 

There you go ladies, there is your test... invite this woman to a party or double-date. If you can't get that to happen, something is rotten in the state of denmark.

[katiegrl]

So what is the nature of the texts? Are they flirty or just friendly? I wanna see them.... me nosey!

 

I have lady friends I text and I've shown the texts to a girlfriend before. But they were not flirty, so it was benign.

 

Oh, I just thought of something... let me tell you what I do... I actually introduce my lady friends to a girlfriend.... we double-date, or go to parties.... I want them to meet... deep down, I wish they would become friends!

 

There you go ladies, there is your test... invite this woman to a party or double-date. If you can't get that to happen, something is rotten in the state of denmark.

 

What you do and what this guy is doing are two entirely different things!

 

How can you not see that?

 

Have you read all her posts in this thread?

[elaine567]

I have lady friends I text and I've shown the texts to a girlfriend before. But they were not flirty, so it was benign.

 

YES, but he is hiding them and deleting them.

He is not showing the texts to keylime009, and they are not discussing them or having a laugh over her racy pics, he is being sneaky here.

[Gaeta]

So what is the nature of the texts? Are they flirty or just friendly? I wanna see them.... me nosey!

 

I have lady friends I text and I've shown the texts to a girlfriend before. But they were not flirty, so it was benign.

 

Oh, I just thought of something... let me tell you what I do... I actually introduce my lady friends to a girlfriend.... we double-date, or go to parties.... I want them to meet... deep down, I wish they would become friends!

 

There you go ladies, there is your test... invite this woman to a party or double-date. If you can't get that to happen, something is rotten in the state of denmark.

 

I think you need to go back to the original post and look into the details. This is not a friend, this is a student of his, highly inappropriate personally and professionally.

[Gary S]

Oh, I see what you are saying... the issue is he lied when he said he's not texting her everyday, but he is.

 

Yeah, I don't like dishonesty.

 

But why is she snooping on his phone? (whatever you don't tell him, it will just make the situation worse) If you are snooping to begin with, it means there are trust issues. That does not bode well for the relationship.

 

(thank you katie)

[katiegrl]

Oh, I see what you are saying... the issue is he lied when he said he's not texting her everyday, but he is.

 

Yeah, I don't like dishonesty.

 

But why is she snooping on his phone? (whatever you don't tell him, it will just make the situation worse) If you are snooping to begin with, it means there are trust issues. That does not bode well for the relationship.

 

(thank you katie)

 

She snooped because she sensed something was up...and she was protectingy her heart from being torn into itty bitty pieces by a guy who, as it turns out, has been lying to her and emotionally cheating on her.

 

Does that answer your question!?

 

p.s. you're welcome!

[Gary S]

This is not a friend, this is a student of his, highly inappropriate personally and professionally.

 

- Hmmm, I'm not so sure about that? I've had teachers that have became friends, and have clients that turn into friends (dating a client while they are a client can be a problem though).