Tailor2000 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I've been on a few dates with someone. We gel so well, there's definitely a spark and we get on really well! It's great. But there's no sexual attraction from me. It just feels very platonic. I was hoping it might build, but it hasn't. How long do I wait? Or should I just tell her now that I only see us as friends? I guess the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be. She's being quite forward in her advances, so it's probably better to nip it in the bud sooner. It's not something I should do by text or email either is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Sometimes people are meant to fall in friendship, not in love. How long you've been dating and how many dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You can develop feelings for a person, but for me chemistry is either there or not, it's not something that time will develop. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I'm so confused. I don't think I've ever had this happen to me. When I used to online date, I'd show up and not be attracted and feel no spark. The two go hand in hand. If I ever felt a spark with someone, I think I'd take it and run with it! I never feel sparks. Spark spark. Sparkle spark. Ever use a word so much it starts to look weird? Spark. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I've been on a few dates with someone. We gel so well, there's definitely a spark and we get on really well! It's great. Yeah, that's pretty cool when it happens. But there's no sexual attraction from me. It just feels very platonic. I was hoping it might build, but it hasn't. You feel what you feel. As a heterosexual, where the primary impetus for getting involved with someone is sexual attraction, it's worth paying attention to. That kind of 'like' is how couples fast-track intimacy and trust which normally takes years for platonic friends to develop. Sex fuels that process. How long do I wait? Or should I just tell her now that I only see us as friends? Up to you. You know your style best. If sexual attraction for you is immediate and finite, go with that. If other, that. Respect your style. I guess the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be. She's being quite forward in her advances, so it's probably better to nip it in the bud sooner. Generally, the more attached people become, and that can happen for you too, even without sexual attraction, the more difficult, comparatively, it is to end the association. Depends on the people involved and their attachment style. It's not something I should do by text or email either is it? Opinion varies but I tend to look at how the interactions were conducted, again respecting personal style. If substantial pressing of flesh was involved, meaning physical interaction, IMO it's healthier to, if the person is local, end association in person. If at distance, by telephone. I'd save e-mail and/or text for the most casual of associations and those which have experienced little to no attachment. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I've been on a few dates with someone. We gel so well, there's definitely a spark and we get on really well! It's great. But there's no sexual attraction from me. It just feels very platonic. I was hoping it might build, but it hasn't. How long do I wait? Or should I just tell her now that I only see us as friends? I guess the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be. She's being quite forward in her advances, so it's probably better to nip it in the bud sooner. It's not something I should do by text or email either is it? How can there be a "spark" but no attraction? Either you feel that "spark" of attraction...OR you don't and become friends. Can't be both darlin... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 He means they have friendship chemistry, but not lover's chemistry. How long should you wait to see if there is attraction? - 45 minutes... just long enough for a few drinks or dinner on a first meet. If you don't want to kiss her after 45 minutes, you probably never will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) He means they have friendship chemistry, but not lover's chemistry. How long should you wait to see if there is attraction? - 45 minutes... just long enough for a few drinks or dinner on a first meet. If you don't want to kiss her after 45 minutes, you probably never will. Oh like a *spark* of friendship? That's a new one! Seriously though, if what he feels is just a friendship, what the problem? What is he confused about? Nothing wrong with being friends if that's all he feels. Assuming she doesn't want more. Edited April 19, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Both men and women do this in dating... they meet someone they approve of or like as a friend... and since they are looking for love, even though they don't feel it on date one, they want to go out on a second date to see if something magical will happen. They are also doing it because they don't have any hot prospects on their radar on the moment. Do ya catch my drift, hotlips?! Edited April 19, 2015 by Gary S Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 How can there be a "spark" but no attraction? Either you feel that "spark" of attraction...OR you don't and become friends. Can't be both darlin... No I swear I felt a spark with a guy couple months back. Turns out it was a friendship spark. The one I broke it off with. I felt this same spark with a good friend. Our energies just seemed to reverberate around each other in the small space we first met. If she was a dude I would totally have mistaken that friend spark for sexual!! Only happened to me once though- the false start spark... Usually, a spark is a spark is a spark. That less to sex well sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I've been on a few dates with someone. We gel so well, there's definitely a spark and we get on really well! It's great. But there's no sexual attraction from me. It just feels very platonic. I was hoping it might build, but it hasn't. How long do I wait? Or should I just tell her now that I only see us as friends? I guess the longer I leave it the harder it's going to be. She's being quite forward in her advances, so it's probably better to nip it in the bud sooner. It's not something I should do by text or email either is it? Tailor, to answer your question, preferably tell her by phone, but after just a few dates okay to tell her via text too. Just say, "enjoyed meeting you and spending time, but I don't feel enough chemistry to pursue anything beyond a friendship." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tailor2000 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 That's guys. It's a confusing mine field alright! Spark. Attraction. Lust. Head over heals. Chemistry. The old advice is that these things can take time to work out. And it's true. An emotional connection, can sometimes boost a sexual connection. But that's my problem, I don't think there's any sexual or physical connection. Im the kind of guy, I want to give it the best shot, I don't want to let her down, but I can't pretend there's something there when it's not, and pursuing a relationship where there's no physical connection is simply not fair on either of us. But I agree, nothing wrong with just being friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 What in the hell is a friendship *spark*?! Between a man and woman??! UGH! life is too complicated...lol *Bangs head against the wall* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) I can relate to this. I had one woman in my life years ago that was a 5/10 looks wise. But she had the most amazing, witty, and sexy personality ever. This made me feel drawn to her. Plus our sexual chemistry was off the charts amazing. Definitely one of the best lovers I ever had. Remember, a person's sexual persona has NOTHING to do with their looks. However, over time as sad as it is to say, I started to get resentful and felt like I was settling. I'd see beautiful women around me all the time and think "Why can't I have all of these amazing qualities in a woman that also looks like that?" So I took the coward's way out. I made up a fictitious woman that I "cheated" with to get her to break up with me. In the end, how do you tell someone you're breaking up with them because they aren't "hot" enough? If I had been honest, it would have destroyed her self esteem. After her, I had a SLEW of terrible relationships and I think it was karma's way of paying me back for what I did. But it taught me a valuable lesson. When you settle, you just end up hurting yourself and the other person. So in the end, it's better to be alone than lie to someone. Edited April 19, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I can relate to this. I had one woman in my life years ago that was a 5/10 looks wise. But she had the most amazing, witty, and sexy personality ever. This made me feel drawn to her. Plus our sexual chemistry was off the charts amazing. Definitely one of the best lovers I ever had. Remember, a person's physical persona has NOTHING to do with their looks. However, over time as sad as it is to say, I started to get resentful and felt like I was settling. I'd see beautiful women around me all the time and think "Why can't I have all of these amazing qualities in a woman that also looks like that?" So I took the coward's way out. I made up a fictitious woman that I "cheated" with to get her to break up with me. In the end, how do you tell someone you're breaking up with them because they aren't "hot" enough? If I had been honest, it would have destroyed her self esteem. After her, I had a SLEW of terrible relationships and I think it was karma's way of paying me back for what I did. But it taught me a valuable lesson. When you settle, you just end up hurting yourself and the other person. So in the end, it's better to be alone than lie to someone. So, you never found anyone better than her?? Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 So, you never found anyone better than her?? No I have. But what I was saying is that after her, I had some bad relationships because I became too focused on looks over personality. However, now after years of being a personal trainer and around beautiful women regularly, looks have kind of faded into the background more. Don't get me wrong. I still want a woman attractive enough for me to want to kiss and in shape enough to keep up with me. However, I'm much more balanced now in terms of looks vs personality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I can relate to this. I had one woman in my life years ago that was a 5/10 looks wise. But she had the most amazing, witty, and sexy personality ever. This made me feel drawn to her. Plus our sexual chemistry was off the charts amazing. Definitely one of the best lovers I ever had. Remember, a person's sexual persona has NOTHING to do with their looks. However, over time as sad as it is to say, I started to get resentful and felt like I was settling. I'd see beautiful women around me all the time and think "Why can't I have all of these amazing qualities in a woman that also looks like that?" So I took the coward's way out. I made up a fictitious woman that I "cheated" with to get her to break up with me. In the end, how do you tell someone you're breaking up with them because they aren't "hot" enough? If I had been honest, it would have destroyed her self esteem. After her, I had a SLEW of terrible relationships and I think it was karma's way of paying me back for what I did. But it taught me a valuable lesson. When you settle, you just end up hurting yourself and the other person. So in the end, it's better to be alone than lie to someone. ff, this may be the best and most honest post you have ever written on this board! At least the best I've read anyway. +1000! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Do you think what's turning you off is her being forward? Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) ff, this may be the best and most honest post you have ever written on this board! At least the best I've read anyway. +1000! Well it's definitely not easy for me to talk about. Looking back I feel ashamed at myself. She was an awesome person, and in many ways, was good for me. But being with her in the long run made me feel resentment like I was settling. I could tell she was starting to really fall for me, and that's when I realized I was being selfish leading her on. So I was willing to make myself look like the villain by telling her I "cheated". If I told her the truth, that she wasn't pretty enough for me, that would have wrecked her confidence and self esteem. One of the worst experiences in my life was seeing the look of true hurt in her eyes when she thought I cheated on her, and taking the slap. I have to live with it every day and I still get sick thinking about it. However, at least I had the balls to do it in person. I can't believe when people break up with people by text message. Edited April 20, 2015 by fitnessfan365 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tailor2000 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Do you think what's turning you off is her being forward? I don't think so. It's quite refreshing to know where I stand instead of second guessing. Maybe I would prefer to start off as friend rather than jumping into anything. I had a girlfriend a few years back who wasn't keen to meet up with me. Now the situation is reversed, I'm not that keen to meet up because there's zero physical attraction. I can't put someone through what I went through while pretending everything OK and hoping things will get better. It's simply not fair on either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Well it's definitely not easy for me to talk about. Looking back I feel ashamed at myself. She was an awesome person, and in many ways, was good for me. But being with her in the long run made me feel resentment like I was settling. I could tell she was starting to really fall for me, and that's when I realized I was being selfish leading her on. So I was willing to make myself look like the villain by telling her I "cheated". If I told her the truth, that she wasn't pretty enough for me, that would have wrecked her confidence and self esteem. One of the worst experiences in my life was seeing the look of true hurt in her eyes when she thought I cheated on her, and taking the slap. I have to live with it every day and I still get sick thinking about it. However, at least I had the balls to do it in person. I can't believe when people break up with people by text message. - That's the nicest way to breakup, bravo! But on another note.... generally, as looks go up, so does high maintenance when it comes to women. The grass may not be greener on the other side. Edited April 20, 2015 by Gary S Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I don't get this whole friendship glitter thing either. You either have chemistry/attraction/spark or you don't. They go hand in hand IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 However, over time as sad as it is to say, I started to get resentful and felt like I was settling. I'd see beautiful women around me all the time and think "Why can't I have all of these amazing qualities in a woman that also looks like that?" So I took the coward's way out. I made up a fictitious woman that I "cheated" with to get her to break up with me. In the end, how do you tell someone you're breaking up with them because they aren't "hot" enough? If I had been honest, it would have destroyed her self esteem. So instead of "destroying her self esteem", you said you cheated with someone else. So not only did you destroy her self esteem(if she had been good enough looks, sex, personality wise etc. you wouldn't have cheated on her), you gave her trust issues too (he cheated on me and I didn't even know or suspect, Oh God, who can I ever trust again?). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 ^^^^you are right, I did not think about it like that. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 So instead of "destroying her self esteem", you said you cheated with someone else. So not only did you destroy her self esteem(if she had been good enough looks, sex, personality wise etc. you wouldn't have cheated on her), you gave her trust issues too (he cheated on me and I didn't even know or suspect, Oh God, who can I ever trust again?). I agree with this^^ ..... and while I admire fitnessfan for being so forthright and honest in sharing this experience here, the *cheating* excuse probably did more damage than had you simply said you weren't attracted to her anymore. No need to go into *why* you are no longer attracted (she's too overweight for your taste).... just a simple "I am sorry, but it's just not working for me anymore" would have sufficed. Anyway damage done, lesson learned.... We all make mistakes, god only knows I have, but life is about living, learning, growing. I know, how profound, right? Lol. Ugh! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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