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When you like someone who is outside your comfort zone of attraction


SJC2008

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There's a woman who I casually know at an establishment I frequent. She's very nice and sincere, seems a little on the shy side maybe. I don't know where my infatuation is coming from but something tells me she is a really good woman, maybe even a great woman. I do find her attractive but she's a little too heavy set for my liking. I'n no lightweight myself but she's already bigger than me proortiinately and I could look past that to not blow the chance at meeting someone special but if she gained another 15-20+ pounds, she'd be *way* out of my comfort zone and I couldn't deal with that. I'm just disappointed because i like her. Don't really know what to ask but similar experiences and opinions are welcomed.

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That's like saying he's got a receeing hairline now and I can deal with it right now, but if it receeds one more half-inch, I can't deal with it at all.

 

You're just stupid if you pass this woman up who you really like and are attracted to, but do not pursue her if you're going to be a nazi about her weight in the future. It's inevitable many people gain weight post-childbirth and just as they get middle aged.

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That's like saying he's got a receeing hairline now and I can deal with it right now, but if it receeds one more half-inch, I can't deal with it at all.

 

You're just stupid if you pass this woman up who you really like and are attracted to, but do not pursue her if you're going to be a nazi about her weight in the future. It's inevitable many people gain weight post-childbirth and just as they get middle aged.

 

We're all going to grow old.

We're all going to lose our looks, grow a little soft around the middle.

Have our hair go grey if we're lucky, have it fall out if not.

 

In the end, all you really have is the beauty at the core of a person.

Do not pass it over when you find it. No matter how rare you think it is... it's rarer.

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That's like saying he's got a receeing hairline now and I can deal with it right now, but if it receeds one more half-inch, I can't deal with it at all.

 

You're just stupid if you pass this woman up who you really like and are attracted to, but do not pursue her if you're going to be a nazi about her weight in the future. It's inevitable many people gain weight post-childbirth and just as they get middle aged.

 

Strait up hating, I'm being honest and I get called a nazi. It's not good enough that I'd date her now even though she's bigger than me, I'm not allowed to be concerned that she could turn into a bbw.

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Yes, she could gain weight. She could be downright fat. So? If she is great company, and she loves you, and she feels good in all the right places, and you have satisfying sex together, does it really matter?

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There's a woman who I casually know at an establishment I frequent. She's very nice and sincere, seems a little on the shy side maybe. I don't know where my infatuation is coming from but something tells me she is a really good woman, maybe even a great woman. I do find her attractive but she's a little too heavy set for my liking. I'n no lightweight myself but she's already bigger than me proortiinately and I could look past that to not blow the chance at meeting someone special but if she gained another 15-20+ pounds, she'd be *way* out of my comfort zone and I couldn't deal with that. I'm just disappointed because i like her. Don't really know what to ask but similar experiences and opinions are welcomed.

 

The *infatuation* you are referring to is otherwise known as *chemistry.* You don't know where it comes from or why, because chemistry IS indefinable ...it is basically an *energy* and energy is generating all around us .... and between us ... 24/7!

 

It's why we click with some people and not others. It is why we feel a certain comfort level right away with some people but not others.

 

It is extremely rare to find this type of romantic chemistry, so I say go for it and see where it leads you! I bet SHE is feeling it too..as this type of chemistry/energy is usually, if not always, mutual!

 

DON'T overthink! Just go with it! Studies show that some of the best decisions are made in a split second!

 

--"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell

Edited by katiegrl
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The *infatuation* you are referring to is otherwise known as *chemistry.* You don't know where it comes from or why, because chemistry IS indefinable ...it is basically an *energy* and energy is generating all around us .... and between us ... 24/7!

 

It's why we click with some people and not others. It is why we feel a certain comfort level right away with some people but not others.

 

It is extremely rare to find this type of romantic chemistry, so I say go for it and see where it leads you! I bet SHE is feeling it too..as this type of chemistry/energy is usually, if not always, mutual!

 

DON'T overthink! Just go with it! Studies show that some of the best decisions are made in a split second!

 

--"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell

 

^^ To add -- chemistry is also why we can sometimes feel infatuated with someone who we don't know from Adam ... and who is physically the exact opposite of the type of person we usually become attracted to.

 

Go for it!

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Strait up hating, I'm being honest and I get called a nazi. It's not good enough that I'd date her now even though she's bigger than me, I'm not allowed to be concerned that she could turn into a bbw.

 

If you're seriously concerned about it, then don't give it a second thought and move on.

 

Nothing to see here, no advice required.

 

But you've posted here, so we're telling you what we think.

 

What we think is that going out on a couple of dates with a girl and seeing how the feelings develop isn't going to kill either of you.

 

If you get to know her and her weight *continues* to bother you, then don't continue to date her.

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Also like to point out I've dated "bigger" girls on occasion and had *crazy* chemistry with them.

 

What you can run into is a lifestyle conflict.

 

That has nothing to do with how she looks, but rather mismatch of focus.

 

I like to try and take care of myself. I'm not a fitness model, but I want to stay in shape.

 

It's hard to do that if your partner isn't interested in eating healthy or exercising regularly.

 

I've had bigger girls dump be, because they're simply to insecure to date "a normal healthy guy". They're constantly freaked out I'm going to run off with a thinner girl.

 

*sigh*

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I had a similar experience. I didn't realize I cared anything about weight. It really never crossed my mind. So I met a guy, and I noticed he was bigger than most. It wasn't a big deal. I'm tall, so someone big isn't really a bad thing. I thought so anyway. We went out a bit, and he had a wonderful personality. I never stopped laughing and smiling with him. After a while, we ended up almost getting intimate. I saw him without clothes, and his boobs were bigger than mine. To be fair, I'm a bit thin so maybe mine are towards the small side, but still. I was so uncomfortable with the whole thing, we ended up cuddling.

 

I felt like a total b**ch for feeling that way. He was great. I loved being around him. But when it came down to it, I couldn't get past his weight. Had I realized that in the beginning, I wouldn't have let it get that far of course. But if you think it is going to be an issue for you, definitely give it a lot of thought. I felt horrible for not wanting a relationship with this guy because of physical reasons, but I knew it was something I wouldn't be able to get past.

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Don't go there if you are not totally attracted. Unless you are not the type of person who believes you can get the women you are truly attracted to.

 

I have always had sparks and been plenty attracted to my boyfriends so I don't ever settle. Then again, I have realistic standards and I do not need a hottie, for me to find them appealing.....

 

Do not waste this girls time. A guy I know dated a woman who was anorexic looking naturally, and he told me that while he had a big mental connection to her, that physically, he was not enamoured by her and she wasn't his type at all......

 

So, he slept with me. His perfered "curvy" type.

 

He is still dating her. She posts pics on facebook of them together saying " Such a top guy" :sick:

 

I know men who sick super skinny chicks and would feel thrilled to have her. Where as her bf feels like he "settled".

 

I never feel like I settle with any boyfriend of late although I did in the past.

 

Never date someone if you feel like you settled. They should be just what you want in your eyes.

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Also like to point out I've dated "bigger" girls on occasion and had *crazy* chemistry with them.

 

What you can run into is a lifestyle conflict.

 

That has nothing to do with how she looks, but rather mismatch of focus.

 

I like to try and take care of myself. I'm not a fitness model, but I want to stay in shape.

 

It's hard to do that if your partner isn't interested in eating healthy or exercising regularly.

 

I've had bigger girls dump be, because they're simply to insecure to date "a normal healthy guy". They're constantly freaked out I'm going to run off with a thinner girl.

 

*sigh*

 

Sounds like my ex girlfriend.. she was not fat at all, she was so concerned with her weight (had eating disorders in the past.. would be through moods where she would eat bad food, ice cream to being peckish and barely eating) and that I would dump her..

 

Anytime I mentioned going to the gym myself.. she would be like "I feel like when you say you're going to the gym you are calling me fat." ****, what? No, I love you the way you are..

 

Sucks that insecurities and mental issues can make someone run away from someone really good for them.

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Strait up hating, I'm being honest and I get called a nazi. It's not good enough that I'd date her now even though she's bigger than me, I'm not allowed to be concerned that she could turn into a bbw.

I agree. There should be some respect for the fact that you are considering a woman that is bigger than you to start with instead of being given a verbal slap. What % of guys are willing to do that and what % of women are willing to forgo the 'I need a taller/bigger guy to make me feel better protected and make me feel more feminine'. If she is already tipping the scales more than you it is genuine valid concern...like now not something that is likely inevitable in yrs time as she/you get older. I'm been a thin build guy for a lot of my life, and I've had chubby gfs (weighed more then me) and they all put on weight......within the first 3-6 mths. That's the real downside with a chubby woman, that when they get in a relationship they take the handbrake of any dieting they may have been doing or they are become happier being in a relationship and they just seem to enjoy themselves more and one aspect of that is food, or you both tend to eat out more.

 

If you dated a slender woman and she put on 20% more weight over the next couple of yrs and you said how much you still think she is sexy you would get a bunch of :love:. Date a chubby woman who puts on 20% and say how you find her less sexy now she is 30% bigger than you and you will get :mad:. If she is already bigger than you, the threshold for her putting on weight and you finding your desire taking a hit, is lower than with a smaller build woman, and at the same time there is also the greater propensity that she could likely put on down the line. Its definitely something I factor in now and I don't feel the least bit shallow for it and for wanting physical compatibility.

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IMO, depends on focus. If socializing/dating without any long-term goals, enjoy the moment and interact as seeing fit. If you're looking for a spouse and person to produce offspring with and commit to long-term, don't compromise on attraction.

 

However, at this point, you don't even know if she'd go out on a date with you ;)

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Give it a go and you may not care about her weight anymore. But if you still do, end it.

It really isn't rocket science here.

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I'm all over the place on this. I tend to

Analyse things so I won't get into a situation, sometimes I thing it's my subconscious keeping me single so I don't get hurt. On the other hand, isn't saying 'so what if she's heavy set or will get bigger' if she's a great woman..." the same as me saying that to a woman who's way out of my league? I mean I could easily tell a woman who thinks I'm cute but to chunky for that. I don't know, I so like her but she's 10 years younger at 23ish so things could take a swing for the worse.

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I'm all over the place on this. I tend to

Analyse things so I won't get into a situation, sometimes I thing it's my subconscious keeping me single so I don't get hurt. On the other hand, isn't saying 'so what if she's heavy set or will get bigger' if she's a great woman..." the same as me saying that to a woman who's way out of my league? I mean I could easily tell a woman who thinks I'm cute but to chunky for that. I don't know, I so like her but she's 10 years younger at 23ish so things could take a swing for the worse.

 

Take a breath, put down the analysts for a second and consider this;

 

You only have two options;

 

1) Date her, maybe end up happy ever after, maybe crash and burn?

2) Take a pass, forget her and move on.

 

That's it. That's the whole situation in a nutshell. None of us can see the future. You can marry a smoking hot women, who ends up in a car crash and needs to be fed through a tube? What then? You dump her and trade up?

 

Life happens man. All the worry and planning and analyzing means nothing.

I know, I'm prone to it at times myself. I just have to gently remind myself that life really does "laugh at our plans".

 

Just make a choice and live with the outcome.

 

Remember though, most people, at the end of their lives, regret the chances they didn't take, rather than the mistakes they made.

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I dated a girl who was really short one time. Really, really short. Like Shaq and his girlfriend short. And it definitely took me out of my comfort zone for a while. I used to hit the ticket counter and think they were going to offer her the kids discount, or that someone would call the cops on me for making out with a kid if they saw. But I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame and got over it after a couple times.

 

It actually turned out to be incredibly hot in the bedroom, that she was that petite. And she ended up leaving such an impression on me that I'm still drawn to any women I come across that are similar physically.

 

Always had more respect for guys willing to date heavier women they like than those who are wimpy and can't handle the social stigma.

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If you like a person, you should like the whole package about that person. Seems like you like this woman but under a condition that she keeps her weight down or stable as the way it is.

 

I can garrentee you that physical chemistry will go down hill once your dating phase is over. I've been there. Things got worse. My physical chemestry died... I hurt my ex's feeling a big time ( I hid him from all of my friends due to shame, I avoided holding hands in public places, whenever I looked at him, I felt disappointed and annoyed... )

 

Think carefully if you decide to move forward!

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casey.lives

i think it would make a huge difference to you and your opinion if you found out whether she is healthy and naturally big boned or if she is careless and irresponsible over her health. Some people are big but they are relatively healthy, if that's the case... i doubt you will hold it against her or whatnot. Keep observing her and answer your own question. Good luck!

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i think it would make a huge difference to you and your opinion if you found out whether she is healthy and naturally big boned or if she is careless and irresponsible over her health. Some people are big but they are relatively healthy, if that's the case... i doubt you will hold it against her or whatnot. Keep observing her and answer your own question. Good luck!

Could be tricky to do without actually dating her, if this woman he seems to fancy is just an employee at this establishment that he visits. I agree that overweight does not men unhealthy. One of my exes ate top quality home cooked/restaurant food, its just that she had a healthy appetite for food & wine, more so when she was happy, and hated raising a sweat unless it was for sex.

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