sm Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I have been with the woman of my dreams for almost 2 years. We came together while she still lived with the father of her little girl although they were seriously on the rocks (sleeping in separate rooms for over a year amongst other signs that the relationship had ended) and when we met we fell madly in love and she left him for me. He tried to use guilt and her maternal instincts to manipulate her and it worked once – she went back with him but it only lasted 2 weeks before she was crying on the phone to me that she wanted me back. She has always had her ups and downs, as a single parent of 24 years old that’s expected and from time to time she has needed some time off from our relationship but it always cam together in the end. Most recently she has been spending time with her ex, just as friends and kinda doing the family thing with him a little which I have no problem with but now we have split up because she says that she needs to work through her guilt about cheating on him with me and then leaving him for me, especially with a child involved etc. She says that its not that her family is not together so much as how she went about it that makes her feel bad to feel good with me. It is obvious to me that he has been pushing her buttons instead of respecting her willingness to have a friendship with him and her space as an individual. She is at this stage consumed with guilt and taking time off from ALL relationships. Obviously I'm devastated, we have a wonderful relationship and I really want it back but more importantly I want her to be able to remember the reasons she left him and be confident that she did the right thing. We were discussing marriage about a month ago and it’s been a real blow to me to have everything turn around this way …any advice..? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 My advice is wait and giver her the space she asked for and NEEDS. The bad parts of her old relationship will re-emerge quickly enough and if you have respected her wishes and given her the space she needs she will see it. And you will look like the right choice over the guy who has tried to manipulate her through guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 All you can do is leave her alone & give her time. She says that its not that her family is not together so much as how she went about it that makes her feel bad to feel good with me. Huh? Regardless of what you think the father of her child is doing to influence her behaviour I think it's important to keep in mind that she is an adult & is therefore exercising her own free will in this matter. It sounds to me that she hasn't really "left" this guy - going back with him for 2 weeks, having time off of your relationship every once in a while, now feeling guilty about her ex to the point where she says she has to end ALL relationships. And what does that mean? ALL relationships? So she's not seeing her ex either then? If I were in your shoes I would step right out of her life until she's made up her mind & is committed to ONE relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 >>She says that its not that her family is not together so much as how she went about it >>that makes her feel bad to feel good with me. >>Huh? sorry it isa a bit if a tongue twister - she means that our relationship seems at times to be morally wrong because of how it started. guilt. i hear what you say about not actually having left him and i agree in so far as: how does anyone ever truly 'leave' someone you have a child with? you could be mortal enemies but htere would still be a bond. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 My <huh?> was more an expression of astonishment at her feeling guilty. She conducted an affair for almost 2 years, slept in a separate bed from her partner for a year, eventually leaves him and NOW she's feeling guilty?! she means that our relationship seems at times to be morally wrong because of how it started. guilt. So how is it that ending things with you now will change the past? Sorry, but I don't believe this guilt story, but then I don't know the woman. how does anyone ever truly 'leave' someone you have a child with? Millions of people seem to do it everyday. There is a difference between her ex partner being the father of her child and her feelings for him &/or for you. I don't think her relationship with this man is over - ie. she still has feelings for him & not just because he is the father of her child, but I could be wrong. We were discussing marriage about a month ago For the majority of your relationship she was living with another man & then you're both discussing marriage. Perhaps this was all a bit too much, too soon for her? Personally I don't think marriage should be on either one of your's radar until you've had a fair amount of time together where you are both fully available - emotionally & physically. Clearly, even though her relationship is now over, she doesn't feel emotionally ready for another one right now. Whatever - it doesn't really matter what her reasons are - you're still in the position of having to wait for her to come to a decision - and right now that is all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Yes I have some advice for you.... It is women who make the decisions regarding which man they will be with. Men have almost no say in this decision. Also, there is much more going on here than u think. If you are the proverbial "nice guy" and he is an azzhole, then I can almost guarantee you that she will go back to him. Sorry but that is the way it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 sorry, i think i have been rather unclear in my posting... to clarify: -we have been together for the last 2 years ie: she broke off with him 2 years ago and moved out, we have been 'legit' ever since. -at one stage early on we hit some turbulence and she tried to make it work with him for the sake of her daughter, it lasted about 2 weeks. that was almost 2 years ago. -after being in a relationship for 2 years we had begun to discuss plans for the future, i think you are quite right though about not being emotionally ready for that yet. its not that black n white as easy as it would be if it were it just aint. im not really too concerned about 'getting her back' right now, i know she is mine, as soon as she feels confident and secure in her life she will want to share it with me but right now she has this guy emotionally abusing her and ruining her state of head which is ignorant as it affects his daughter how her mother is coping with life, and childish becuase its all he has with her is the capacity to creat guilt - if he lets go of that then he has nothing of her - but you try to get a woman to truly see that the father of her child is a toxic personality, i can assure you it will not be easy no matter what their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by sm but right now she has this guy emotionally abusing her and ruining her state of head which is ignorant as it affects his daughter how her mother is coping with life, and childish becuase its all he has with her is the capacity to creat guilt - if he lets go of that then he has nothing of her - but you try to get a woman to truly see that the father of her child is a toxic personality, i can assure you it will not be easy no matter what their relationship. Your are going to eventually LOSE this battle cause of 2 reasons, and i will guarantee you this! reason 1 - he is father of her kid and will ALWAYS be in her life reason 2 - he is a wild, jerky, butt-head and we all know how women love that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 well thanx for the pep talk i hope you are wrong because its a bad scene for a young woman and a child to be in - aside from a jerk he's also an addict. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by sm well thanx for the pep talk i hope you are wrong because its a bad scene for a young woman and a child to be in - aside from a jerk he's also an addict. OK then if you don't want hear reality... then she will never see him again and come back to you and you'll both spend a wonderful life together. How's that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 DAAAAAMN dude! some lady burned u bad! u may be right, u also may be wrong but your cynical indignation is definitely indicative of hidden pain. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by sm DAAAAAMN dude! some lady burned u bad! u may be right, u also may be wrong but your cynical indignation is definitely indicative of hidden pain. Hey! No need for personal attacks here. You posted for advice and I am giving you an honest answer and not sugar coating it. You should reassess why you even posted this anyways cause there is most likely some big question marks going on in your head about this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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