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Breaking It Off Vent


Leigh 87

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I am writing here because obviously if you are second guessing things, something aint right and you should more than likely end it. If a guy is into you and excited about dating you, he makes it known.

 

Please can you guys read ALLLLL the pro's and cons and tell me if I am making the right decision? Or is there a chance I am throwing away a guy who is enamoured by me or at the very least, really into me?

 

He was away last weekend. He never called. He texted once or twice per day though. He initiated. This weekend he is also away for work. Of course, he has not texted or called. After last weekend, it was only when he got a little drunk that he said " OMG I missed you so much last weekend, it was awful!" Yet his ACTIONS show that I am just not on his mind, because when you are on a mans mind, he will USUALLY call or text at least once a day....

 

When we first got together he did a lot right. I am not idiot, he did do a lot of things that showed me he was into me:

- He made regular dates which he paid for

- kept in daily contact from date one

- Instead of waiting for me in his car, he came up and met my parents who were both there

-He TOLD me that " I want you to know that I don't meet parents unless I feel there could be potential"

- He called me his gf within the month and treated me as such

- When I left his company (in the flesh), he always texts me to say he had a good time, or something cheeky haha.

- He shows me off to his friends

- He was instantly attracted to me in a big way

- I am the first girl he goes down on in the bedroom that hasn't begged him for it, I definately get the special treatment and it was obvious it was his first time or so.

-My friend, when left alone with him, had my boyfriend tell her " I adore Leigh 87 and she is so beautiful"

My friend also said " the way he looks at you signals that he adores you I believe...

 

Red flags

- last weekend he was away for days. No call. He texted once or twice a day. He initiated

- THIS weekend he is away for work. He has of course, not texted today or night nor has he called and nor will he likely call

When he got back last weekend, it was only when he was a little tipsy that he came out with the confession " omg I missed you so, so much last weekend !

 

I broached the topic about his lack of texting and he said " I get busy, I AM really into you I am just trying to take things slower than with my ex, who I also fell fast for and endred up being an awful person". And that was fine. Personally, I do not like a barrage of texts at all, just either ONE goodnight call per night, or ONE text convo per day is FINE when he is LOCAL, as we live ten mins away from one another!... However, when he is AWAY some where for a few days, his total LACK of calling, and one or two texts per day when he is away makes me uncomfortable. Weekends he is AWAY some place, I sort of feel like, innately, when a man is genuinely falling hard for a woman, they DO call or text to let the girl know that they are thinking of them......

In his defence, he has a very busy job and he actually declared the last time I saw him " my job can get very busy, but I am always going to make time for you at least once a week to see you and I do want to take you out on dates too"

 

In person he confessed while laying in bed that he thinks he is in love with me or strongly falling and is nearly there WHEN SOBER......When drunk he confessed that he did love me and had fallen for me in general, early on for me, from the first night. I am thinking that perhaps he is confusing intense chemistry and attraction with legit feelings that have a depth of emotion! I feel like if he had that X factor to go along with the chemistry, he could definately be in contact with me more when he goes away for the weekends.. I believe that since he instantly felt attracted to me and we had intense chemistry, that he falsely thinks we had something more than we did - I personally am developing propper feelings to the point where I do think of him a lot when we are apart. His actions show that he doesn't think of me when we are apart. Except what he blurts out when tipsy. On a side note - I know a month seems too soon to think you are almost in love, but I have seen it happen with a lot of long term couples who are still together so I have come to the conslusion that, while it may not be truly IN love that early, SOME people DO fall faster for certain people, than they do others!

 

He is going through his lowest point in many years, he only broke up with his ex a few months ago and it was a VERY traumatic experience. He thinks she is a disgusting person, as she cheated lied and stole his money. And stayed at home and let him support her while she stayed at home doing nothing, not even cook him dinner for when he got home or cleaned up around the house at all.

SO he has very little trust left towards women and he sort of... finds it hard to believe that a happy, healthy relationship is possible.

 

So here I am, I am sort of sick of feeling like the loser who misses her boyfriend and thinks about him when he is gone, when you are NOT on his mind whatsoever:mad: It is a shame he managed to fall for his ex who was a gold digging, stupid and lazy person who emailed dudes all day when her man was out earning their living for the two of them! Someone who is loyal and faithful like me and adores him is just... not enough to make a guy fall hard..

 

He hasn't texted me today. So at about 6.30 pm I texted him.

 

Of course, he hasn't replied.

 

When I see him Monday I don't know whether to break things off, or to give him one more week? ANNOYINGLY, the sex is the BEST I have ever had and he is the first man I have dated that IS NOT A LOSER or undesirable in some way.. My prior exes: were very under educated and unclassy, had disabilities, stuttered badly or were the sort of men no women would ever date.. I hope I can just find the AVERAGE Aussie guy, with a career, who WANTS to take me out for once a week dates that he TREATS ME to! I digress, I was probably aiming a little out of my league. He is cute, has a great career, is on a great income and I am just a podiatry student who works part time in the field BUT I have lead an interesting life full of travel and crazy stories. We are of equal attractivness but I get the feeling maybe guys like him only tend to fall hard for younger, 9/10 types not women of his own age. I do look young for my age though. I have had this strong chemistry with average Aussie dudes so next time I will just stay clear of cute ones like my boyfriend who I know other's find hot. It seems like a safer bet to go after men who I feel the great chemistry with but who I know are not venerated by other females:sick: Because he probably feels he can do better than me since he is good looking.

 

The strangest thing is, this guy is the most complimentary out of ALL my lovers, and he is by FAR the best looking and most desirable! He actually makes me feel attractive and like he truly adores the way I look. It is ME who is assuming this crap about looks.... HE is the one who tells me that he thinks I am a good catch; ambitious in achieving a good career asap, I am his type look wise and I am caring and loving unlike his skanky exes.

 

Wish me luck in finding another guy to date who is not a loser, who has a job and who is actually into me for a change. SOOOO ssick of only men who no other women wants falling crazy in love with me!

 

 

 

 

 

I want support please and feedback on the PROS and CONS, nothing more and nothing less.

 

Any nasty comments will be deleted.

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acrosstheuniverse

If he had a really traumatic breakup then started dating you four weeks later, it sounds like you could be a rebound. However, things in themselves seem okay barring the lack of t4xts while he's away, if he's saying he will only meet you once per week due to his busy job does that mean you've hung out less than ten times so far and yet within four meets you were calling each other bf/gf? I just know myself from really traumatic splits it can take a lot longer than a month before you're ready to start giving yourself fully to somebody else. Him meeting your parents, telling people he adores you are all red flags to me because for a guy who is having a hard time trusting a healthy relationship is possible, he's acting like he's 'all in' already rather than being wary as you'd expect.

 

But if this lack of contact is the only problem, it's easy to solve. I live with my boyfriend of a year and a bit, and when he's away with friends he can be quite outta the loop in terms of contact, it doesn't really bother me, I want him to go have fun and not be glued to his phone, but one thing I really like and appreciate is when he sends a goodnight text, the last thing I think of when I'm away sleeping without him there is him and I always call or text or even snapchat, just something to say hey baby, off to sleep, I love you. He doesn't think to do it automatically because that's just not a thing he values as much as I do so this time when he went away I said to him straight basically the above, go have fun and I'm not asking you to be constantly in touch but a goodnight text would be lovely to wake up to, then he knows it's something I would appreciate and can choose to do it or not. He has been doing it and it's been nice (even if I had to ask for it!) whereas before he wasn't doing it, it was bumming me out and he wasn't possibly to know.

 

How about when he goes away you tell him you get that he's busy but you'd love to hear from him before he goes to sleep. Then the ball is in his court, maybe he's just clueless, maybe like he says he's trying to slow things down. But I agree with you, I tend to think that when a guy is instinctively into me no matter how busy he is, he'll make time to contact me, whether it's texts throughout the day or a goodnight call. I've never in my life had a relationship where we've gone a whole day without contact. That would feel more like super casual dating territory for me and I'm not the kind of girl to sit around pining for contact when he's away, nor am I the sort of girl to be texting him every hour when I'm away. I think that's healthy.

 

I'd protect your heart with this one though. It's not a good sign that it's all happened so fast after a traumatic breakup.

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ExpatInItaly

If he's only recently experienced the trauma of a break-up, I'd say he rushed in too quickly and he's now realizing that and pulling back. You know quite a lot about how horrible his ex was - that tells me she's still on his mind enough to the point where he vents to you about her. Not that he's in love with her, but that he's not over the hurt and pain of that experience yet. I think he's probably not totally ready for a new relationship yet.

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acrosstheuniverse

Couldn't add to last post:

 

I've never had to ask myself if a guy is into me, when he's been into me. Only when he clearly hasn't been and I'm searching for an excuse that fits my idea of 'he's just scared/busy blah blah'. If a guy is into me I'll be hearing from him daily, and seeing him regularly, end of.

 

Don't stick with him because you feel he's the best option you've found so far. There are tonnes of guys out there. Hold out for the right one rather than make yourself miserable with the wrong one because he ticks most of the boxes.

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Thanks guys,

 

He has been trasparant. Regarding his ex.

 

It ended a few months ago.

 

He is 100% not in love with her anymore. However, he has admitted he is very messed up and feels like he started falling for me fast in the manner in which he did his ex and he feels he wants to slow it down this time, given what he has been through.

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Accrossthe universie

 

I agree, that if a guy is into you YOU KNOW.

 

However, in a tiiiiiiny portion of cases, I feel the guy is into you but due to personal trauma, may honestly be out of the loop.

 

He did explicitly mention early on that he wants to take things slower due to his reent traumas. But I am not a rebound, he went on many online dates and he has a bevy of hot women if he wanted casual.

 

There is something else.... his ex just had their baby. A few days ago. He has absolutely no desire to be with this evil woman. I have no fear of him going back to her at all.... But as you can all imagine, his demanding career and his new baby are probably the no1 thing on his mind. He didn;t want the child. He wants nothing more than to severe ties with this woman and go no contact. Alas, that can never happen now...

 

More than likely, yeah, he just aint that into me. I am almost certain I will proceed with breaking up with him on Monday, if he doesn't beat me to it first, haha! But I cannot help but....Look, I do know that INITIALLY he was definately into me! The way he first looked at me.... He definately felt the intense chemistry with me that all men "want" in a relationship.

 

Aside from that ^^^^ it appears he is either not into me NOW, or he is simply pre occupied with his life dramas.

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At the start, I instinctively "knew" this is a guy that was into me.

 

Just after his ex and the baby... He even said " are you sure you want to deal with this"

 

I told him " I accept you at your worst"

 

He said " thanks babe I think you are so beautiful"

 

.....I have been so supportive. I don't feel appreciated or valued. I guess because he is cute and desirable, he can go get other cute girls:(

 

OH and we see one another MORE THAN ONCE per week - we have been seeing one another a few times per week -

 

He is the one who said he gets very busy at times, asked to work double shifts and to work weekends - but he declared that he would always make the time for me.

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Couldn't add to last post:

 

I've never had to ask myself if a guy is into me, when he's been into me. Only when he clearly hasn't been and I'm searching for an excuse that fits my idea of 'he's just scared/busy blah blah'. If a guy is into me I'll be hearing from him daily, and seeing him regularly, end of.

 

Don't stick with him because you feel he's the best option you've found so far. There are tonnes of guys out there. Hold out for the right one rather than make yourself miserable with the wrong one because he ticks most of the boxes.

 

 

We saw one another a couple days per week or more.

 

He contacted me daily. Initiated. When I left his presence he would text promptly after leaving him also.

 

It is just last weekend he had to attend to a family drama. When he got back, he was tipsy and carried on about how he missed me.

 

It is just this weekend, after his son was born, he has dropped right off. He initiated a text or two yesterday.

 

But none today. Even though I sent him one text. he never responded.

 

Yesterday he asked if he could see me Monday. We live close by. I will break it off then.

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Is it his?

 

he doesn't know since she cheated.

 

He wants the paternity test.

 

He desperately doesn't want it to be his but will of course step up if it is.

 

He thinks she is a disgusting person and would have rather had a child with a woman he adores.

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Leigh, pretend your post was written by *another* female poster, and you were reading it.

 

What would YOU advise her to do??

 

That's your answer.

 

I am sorry this didn't work out.

 

Next!

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perhaps in a few months he will be more ready for a relationship and he will realise he was actually really into me.

 

That only happens in movies haha so yeah. Once it is over he will likely find the right girl when he is ready.

 

If I was the right girl something tells me he wouldnt be throwing my support away during this difficult time; he'd be grateful and relishing time with me instead.

 

His ex left him with a drinking and drug problem, as he supported them both and basically did everything for her. He fell hard for her because she was a hot 18 year old and he was late 20's and she got under his skin. He went to the moon and back for her and she was emailing dudes all day asking to please suck them off for money:sick:

 

They were on and off for months also. Broke up finally a few months back.

 

She emotionally abused him and she taunts him, proclaiming that her new bf has a "better car than his" :sick:

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Leigh, pretend your post was written by *another* female poster, and you were reading it.

 

What would YOU advise her to do??

 

That's your answer.

 

I am sorry this didn't work out.

 

Next!

 

 

 

I believe in sticking by people and accepting them at their worst 100%.

 

When we met, I believe we had the right chemistry and something special as did he.

 

If he is legit into me and he is actually falling for me the way every girl wants - I am happy to stick by him through this time.

 

It is only if he... just isn't into me and I am not that special girl for him, that I am more than happy to step aside.

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Guys,

 

 

Is it one of the 1 in 1000 instances of the CIRCUMSTANCES dictating that he just isn't acting as into me as he really is?

 

OR, is he just plain not enamoured? Because he was when we first met 100%, until the birth then it went awry...

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The Irony though lol,

 

His ex was a tart who used his money, didn;t work and expected him to support her 100% and she didn't cook him dinner or clean all day while he was at work. She cheated.

 

Here I am, an honest and loving woman, who has told him that I will accept him at his worst.... and nahhh..... not that into me LOL.

 

I mean geesh. He even said he is more attracted to me than he was his ex, he is a boobs and bottom man and I have those times 100, so I am totally his type so it is not lack of attraction.

 

I saw the way he looked at me first night. Lack of attraction is deff not it hah.

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lana-banana

How long have you been with this guy? It can't have been more than a few months and yet you're expecting behavior that's more appropriate for a longer relationship. In the first few months my boyfriend and I were absolutely head-over-heels for each other, but we didn't necessarily text every day (although it was pretty mushy when we did!). So what if he didn't immediately tell you to your face that he missed you so very much---he told you eventually, right? I just don't see any problem in the way he's treating you. Consider this the pros, if you will.

 

Now for the cons: this situation screams "rebound" more loudly than just about any I've ever read. In most cases it's okay to date a dumper fresh out of a relationship, because they already went through the mental grieving and detaching process and are ready for something new. Not here. This guy was madly in love with his ex and probably still is, on some level. He is in a state of shock. He is reeling from the loss of what he thought was his one true love. And now she may be bearing his child? I'm sorry, but the reason he's being so good to you is because he's desperate to throw his loving emotions on to somebody else. He hasn't properly processed his loss at all and he's using you as a distraction to help cope. You yourself say he is traumatized. Recently traumatized people aren't good relationship partners, especially when the source of that trauma is their most recent ex!

 

I am amazed you're more concerned about his supposedly inadequate texting than his extremely shocking and upsetting breakup with someone he loved very much. You can stay with him for now, but in a few months (or up to a year) when he finally does start the healing process himself it's guaranteed to explode in your face.

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How long have you been with this guy? It can't have been more than a few months and yet you're expecting behavior that's more appropriate for a longer relationship. In the first few months my boyfriend and I were absolutely head-over-heels for each other, but we didn't necessarily text every day (although it was pretty mushy when we did!). So what if he didn't immediately tell you to your face that he missed you so very much---he told you eventually, right? I just don't see any problem in the way he's treating you. Consider this the pros, if you will.

 

Now for the cons: this situation screams "rebound" more loudly than just about any I've ever read. In most cases it's okay to date a dumper fresh out of a relationship, because they already went through the mental grieving and detaching process and are ready for something new. Not here. This guy was madly in love with his ex and probably still is, on some level. He is in a state of shock. He is reeling from the loss of what he thought was his one true love. And now she may be bearing his child? I'm sorry, but the reason he's being so good to you is because he's desperate to throw his loving emotions on to somebody else. He hasn't properly processed his loss at all and he's using you as a distraction to help cope. You yourself say he is traumatized. Recently traumatized people aren't good relationship partners, especially when the source of that trauma is their most recent ex!

 

I am amazed you're more concerned about his supposedly inadequate texting than his extremely shocking and upsetting breakup with someone he loved very much. You can stay with him for now, but in a few months (or up to a year) when he finally does start the healing process himself it's guaranteed to explode in your face.

 

 

 

They broke up a few months ago. They were on and off for some time and he honestly finds her to be a disguisting person.

 

I am 100% sure he is not in love with her anymore. She begged for him back, I saw the texts. He said no way. That was months ago and he hasn't budged.

 

I agree it is a bad time for him to date hence why I am making a swift exit; but I don't discount the notion that he DID genuinely fall for me at first site on our first date, and he WAS actually into me.

 

Maybe I could be a person he could fall for at another time, once he is over his trauma; THAT is what I am getting at. As the raw chemistry is there, plus we like each other as people.

 

After I end it and if we remain single, if he felt there was something compelling there to begin with, perhaps he will re connect with me.

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should I end it by text?

 

I told him I would be there for him 100%....but hey, the guy obv doesn't care much for it anyway.

 

We live nearby. He is home Monday.

 

I will just tell him then. But I consider it over now.

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Why would it blow up in my face once the healing proces starts?

 

We did have legit intense chemistry and the raw ingredients to make falling in love possible.

 

After I end things Monday, I even think there may be a chance one day I will here from him again if he doesn't find the combination of the attraction he had for me AND a person he really likes, in one package.

 

We did get along well and we connected beyond the white hot chemistry.

 

Perhaps in a years time when he is settled.

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ExpatInItaly
should I end it by text?

 

I told him I would be there for him 100%....but hey, the guy obv doesn't care much for it anyway.

 

We live nearby. He is home Monday.

 

I will just tell him then. But I consider it over now.

 

Why? You don't know him that well, if you've only been dating a month. You don't need to and shouldn't commit all of your heart so soon in the relationship. You hadn't really gotten to know him yet! I think you fell hard and fast and are now seeing that he doesn't have the time or emotional energy for this relationship. The ex is going to part of his life forever. Expect a lot more drama there. I think he's already shared far too much about her with you, ie he's dumped a lot of his previous baggage on you. Not a great sign.

 

Good heavens. A baby with a loony ex, whom he hooked up with when she was 18 when he was in the late 20s? No..just no.

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I believe in sticking by people and accepting them at their worst 100%.

 

When we met, I believe we had the right chemistry and something special as did he.

 

If he is legit into me and he is actually falling for me the way every girl wants - I am happy to stick by him through this time.

 

It is only if he... just isn't into me and I am not that special girl for him, that I am more than happy to step aside.

 

You crack me up. If this was written by another female poster, no doubt you would have written at least a dozen posts how he is JUST NOT INTO HER, and she should dump him.

 

Doesn't matter what their situation was, that he is busy, stressed, recovering from a trauma, in EVERY case, your advice is ALWAYS the same.

 

He is just not into her, because when a man is REALLY into you, he does NOT act this way. Go back and read your own posts!!

 

Yet, "your" situation is *different* and you are going to hang in and hope it gets better.

 

Do you not see the hypocrisy? (Shaking head in amazement at the irony).

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You crack me up. If this was written by another female poster, no doubt you would have written at least a dozen posts how he is JUST NOT INTO HER, and she should dump him.

 

Doesn't matter what their situation was, that he is busy, stressed, recovering from a trauma, in EVERY case, your advice is ALWAYS the same.

 

He is just not into her, because when a man is REALLY into you, he does NOT act this way. Go back and read your own posts!!

 

Yet, "your" situation is *different* and you are going to hang in and hope it gets better.

 

Do you not see the hypocrisy? (Shaking head in amazement at the irony).

 

 

No I agree he just isn;t that into me.

 

I do believe he was though to begin with 100%.

 

For whatever reason.. he just isn't, which happens. You meet, you date, sometimes bright sparks fizzle fast.

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And I always post that there are exceptions to the rules...

 

AKA - a guy who has a stupid young ex who he would love nothing more to do with, baring his child (but he isn't 100% sure cos she slept around on him)

 

I guess I was HOPING I was the exception to the rule.. that he was otherwise into me, but his situation is baring him from it.

 

He did tell me he had the right chemistry with me and was falling a bit fast for his liking and wanted to take it slower given what he'd been through.....

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Why? You don't know him that well, if you've only been dating a month. You don't need to and shouldn't commit all of your heart so soon in the relationship. You hadn't really gotten to know him yet! I think you fell hard and fast and are now seeing that he doesn't have the time or emotional energy for this relationship. The ex is going to part of his life forever. Expect a lot more drama there. I think he's already shared far too much about her with you, ie he's dumped a lot of his previous baggage on you. Not a great sign.

 

Good heavens. A baby with a loony ex, whom he hooked up with when she was 18 when he was in the late 20s? No..just no.

 

 

But he is a stable and reliable character. Good job, can support himself, he is pleasant to be around.

 

And sorry if I made out like he talks about her a lot. He doesn't. She incessantly calls and texts him though regarding the impending birth (prior to it happening).

 

I could tell he was majorly irritated and worn down by her. I heard her taunting him and him telling her " look, you are lucky I am even willing to be so kind to you after all you put me through, can you please just leave me along so I can spend time with my NEW girlfriend"

 

He told his ex about me.

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Eternal Sunshine

I don't think it's a big problem that he doesn't text you more...it's more that he had a recent break up and his ex just had a baby that's possibly his. I think that this man is really not ready to emotionally invest or commit to you.

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