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Lack of chemistry? No idea what is going on with my dating


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Is this a problem for anyone else?

 

Basically I am the type of person who can get along with anybody. I can talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. Last night I went out on a date with this girl, and we instantly hit it off but i don't know whether it was genuine chemistry or me just making her extremely comfortable. She started opening up about her troubled past and depression etc and it kind of started bothering me and turning me off a bit. We got along REALLY well though, conversation just flowed ridiculously well. But as I said, I can really do this with most people, so i just don't know if last night was anything special or anything. I didn't feel "that" attraction to her but everything else was great which really bothers me.

 

This happened with my ex aswell, in fact this date was almost identical in the way we interacted and the things we spoke about. With her I also didn't feel "that" attraction. The girl from last night really wants to see me again and I don't even know what I want (again, exactly like the beginnings of my last relationship).

 

Every date I have been on in the past ~3 years has never left me with that excited anticipation to see them again. I'm starting to believe that feeling doesn't exist anymore and is just some teenage thing, and as we get older we just settle for people that look good on paper. It is exhausting because it leads me to either destroy relationships with people who are very compatible with me, or to not pursue ones who would be very compatible with me just because i'm looking for a feeling that may or may not even exist.

 

Can anyone empathize? People still do get butterflies about other people past the age of 17 right ...?

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I feel you.. I have exactly the same situation. I'm almost 22 and I've had several relationships and lots of dates.

 

Never had the typical "head over heals" feeling, not with my exes, not with my previous dates. And the guys I've dated were a good match, but the lack of wanting to see them more and more from my side made me cut it off.

 

Maybe we just need time. And perhaps we'll find that "one" person when we stop looking.

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I am very well versed on the subject.

 

I don't settle for less than that feeling myself.

 

I have met a lot of men in their mid or late 20's who felt butterfies for the first time.

 

One man felt "that" attraction for me, for the first time. He was 29. Which killed me, having to end it because I simply didn't feel the chemistry for him, mutually.

 

My friend's boyfriend fell head over heels, crazy in love with her. He was mid 20's. She was the first woman who he had ever felt those " butterflies" with. He told all his friends and family that this girl was "different". They ended up together long term. They are super passionate and also compatible.

 

Meanwhile, all the couples I know have mostly one partner who "feels it" and the other partner who isn't crazy about them but feels they made a good "pactical" choice. A higher % of couples don't need this limterent, infatuation based feeling in the beggining of a relationship. They figure it fades plus the people you tend to feel the most excited about tend to leave or aren't necessarily good matches.

 

Most people seek compatibility and a person they click with, and who they are attracted to; not many people hold out for the 9 or 10/10 MUTUAL chemistry.

 

Lastly, there are some people who simply feel "chemistry" way more oftan than others. I am one of them. I tend to find ample options in men who I share mutual chemistry with. Once every 2 - 4 months I'll find someone either online or at the local shops, with whom I really feel that click with both physically and in that "whole body" sense. We aren't usually compatible hence why I am with a new boyfriend and seeing how it goes. Not expecting anything.

 

Just be careful, chemistry is often one sided with one limterent and one non limerent partner. These girls clearly feel 'it' with you. Let them down quickly. The fact you made this thread is indicative that you are more than likely a dreamer like myself and a few others on this board.

 

If you're happy single, don't need a family and enjoy travel and have other passions and hobbies..... you may find what it is you're seeking. If you are a person who needs a family and house/mortgage and a wife by late 30's, you may not find true love in time, that all consuming feeling of being crazy in love.

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Eternal Sunshine

I think that feeling is extremely rare, especially if you want it to be mutual. Most people seem OK with not feeling it and seem to think that you are crazy of you want it.

 

A relationship without that feeling seems super depressing to me :(

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Thanks, that was a great response. I just can't shake the idea that I can be doing better when i'm out with these girls. I don't even understand it. How sad it is that people stay in relationships despite not feeling what the other person feels for them. (Hell i've done it). I can't seem to think logically when it comes to these things - my heart takes over and it's as if it's leading me on some wild goose chase for something that isn't real. I am an attractive guy, in very good shape with lots of hobbies and interests and I keep meeting women who I connect with emotionally and mentally but they just don't seem to stimulate me physically or on some "other" level where you see them and you just think "yes, this is it". It's like my dick, heart, and brain are in constant war with eachother i guess.

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Thanks, that was a great response. I just can't shake the idea that I can be doing better when i'm out with these girls. I don't even understand it. How sad it is that people stay in relationships despite not feeling what the other person feels for them. (Hell i've done it). I can't seem to think logically when it comes to these things - my heart takes over and it's as if it's leading me on some wild goose chase for something that isn't real. I am an attractive guy, in very good shape with lots of hobbies and interests and I keep meeting women who I connect with emotionally and mentally but they just don't seem to stimulate me physically or on some "other" level where you see them and you just think "yes, this is it". It's like my dick, heart, and brain are in constant war with eachother i guess.

 

It killed me when I dated a man who thought he could do "better" than me:sick:

 

I am not Megan Fox, but I have since managed to move on and seek out the men who ARE super attracted to me.

 

If you are attarctive as you say you are, you should have no problem finding a woman who you fall hard for.

 

It is a numbers game though. So you have to enjoy putting yourself out there even more.

 

And also, based on our brain chemistry, some people feel limerent more readily than others - Eternal Sunshins seldom feels it so to HER, it is some rare, elusive thing.

 

To ME, I fall hard and feel giddy about... maybe one dude every 3 to 4 months. Because I am friendly and just seem to find men I share usually mutual chemisry with.

 

Personally, I cannot even have a FWB with a man unless there is some degree of natural and instant chemistry. Tried it with two really " hot guys" and yikes:sick: They were nice too. But totally no romantic chemistry:sick:

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A few men have tried to cheat on their partners with me.

 

I had intense chemistry with them. Which they didn't have for their partners.

 

One confessed " mentally we are totally there, but physically she just isn't it for me, she isn't my type, but hey, we have enough chemistry to enjoy sex I guess"

He then proceeded to sleep with me. I was enamoured, single and couldnt help it. He spoke as though he was so "unsure" of the girl he was merely "seeing" and not even his gf.....I had tried staying away from him for weeks though. We shared true chemistry. He couldn't keep away. I asked him why he didn't leave his partner of two months, given him and I clicked from moment one. He said " what if we only share physical chemistry, I know for sure there is more there with my partner but with you, I would be risking leaving a woman I do click with in the name of chemistry"

I swiftly deleted him from my life. Sucked since he was my neighbour at the time:lmao:

 

His "girlfriend" was posting pics of him and her together on facebook saying " such a top guy" :sick:

 

Another dude only did it when drunk; he'd tell me the chemnistry he felt with me is what he really desired. He went on to say that his partners body was " funny" and he wasn't enamoured with her:sick: I didn't bite as they were legit bf and gf for years, unlike with my former neighbour who was only seeing the girl for two months and didn't consider her his "gf" (although I am sure she had other ideas:sick:).....Oh and a married friend confessed the other day that he is in a loveless marriage. They married and got together in ABSENCE of intence chemistry. His wife no longer wants sex. She lives for the kids and told him she is a mum now and that is her 100% focus, NOT sex.

 

Men who have felt limerent towards me have said there is a notable difference between how they felt for me versus their exes.

 

Finding true chemistry is harder to find and it is no indicative that the person will be a good long term prospect. Many lovers who share grerat chemistry cannot stand one another's personalities.

But it is better than the alternative. Omitting and bypassing the falling " in love" stage, and merely "growing into love" by choice, will always feel like settling for me.

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I concur, I also believe if you've had a string of relationships/ dates that went sour it makes it that much more typical to not experience that spark because you're skeptical.

 

What does this mean? When you do meet that someone that really gives you that 'kick in the guts', don't blow it.

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I'm 36, and still get the butterfly type sensations and excitement to see someone that really interests me, and I can't say that I've dated someone for any real amount of time who I did not (at some point) have butterflies f or. That said, I've found that it's worthwhile to give a person who seems to have all the boxes checked outside of (crazy) chemistry on the first date, another 1-3 dates, because I have absolutely had those butterflies develop on date 2, 3, or 4, even if they were absent on date 1.

 

First dates can frequently bring out aspects of a person that are a bit different than their norm, so if you enjoy spending time with them and there are no major deal breakers, just see how things change and evolve over a few dates as opposed to relegating it to a first impression and moving on.

 

That said, if you do go on another 1-3 dates with them, don't go in thinking that you need to try to develop chemistry with them, don't go in thinking that you didn't get butterflies the first time you met them - just have a good time and don't add the extra pressure - either the chemistry develops or it doesn't (and that's what you're trying to find out) - just go with the flow and have fun.

 

If you have people pounding on your door for dates, this may not be the best approach, but if you've found someone that you think could be special and you don't have a long list of "nexts", I'd highly recommend giving them at least a second chance unless they have one of your shortlist dealbreakers.

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Your fears are legitimate, but you should find out more before writing her off. Yes, if she's talking about how miserable she was or is on a first date, that's a mistake usually only the young make. As you say, you're easy to talk to, so if someone has something on their mind it will come out. Whether it came out because you asked about the subject (for example, what was your last relationship) or if she just started spewing because she's preoccupied with the thoughts is an important distinction to make.

 

There are many kinds of depression. Everyone has depression at some point. What you need to do is find out if it's a diagnosed condition. Ask "So did you actually see a doctor for your depression, and what was the diagnosis?" If you get vague answers, that can mean any number of things, none of them good. If you get a pat answer, look up the condition online or in the latest version of the DSM, a psychiatric manual. You may find bits of that online. See what she's got. See if it's chronic or if it's treatable.

 

Ask you if something triggered the depression or if she just gets depressed for no reason from time to time. If something triggered the depression, it can still be a chemical imbalance, or it can just be what we all get: Depressed when we lose a job or a loved one. Ask her how often she gets depressed. If she has chronic depression, she will always be battling it. If she is bipolar, she will always be battling it. If she is just sad over a breakup, a new man should get her out of her depression. If she had a bad childhood, she should be in therapy because although it's not necessarily chemical, it is hard-wired and hard to overcome without years of work.

 

Ask if she's ever felt suicidal. If so, not a good sign. Means either bad chemical imbalance or really bad emotional problems OR uses it as a means to seek attention, all bad and all need work before she should be in a relationship. To me, the single most important detail is whether she's taking steps to deal with it, i.e., seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. If not, she's self-defeating. Many mental illnesses actually inhibit you from seeking treatment, so not seeking treatment is a bad sign.

 

So find out what you can about whether it's chemical or emotional, long-term or short-term, being treated or not being treated and then make a decision from there.

 

I agree it's not fun on a first or second or third date, but when people open up to you, this is what you get. I've had two different guys tell me they were from Mars, and one of them thought I was his leader. He could tell by my eyes. The other one was in his dressing room about to go onstage.

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Hunk,

 

I have only ever had 'butterflies' for one person. Any other person I have dated or been in a relationship with we got along great but I did not have that feeling in my stomach. The relationships weren't bad, but they were missing that zing.

 

I have tried dating others after having that feeling. Now that I know it exists and I have had it, I can't settle for dating anyone that doesn't have that spark right away. That is probably why I am still so hung up on the ex. Even looking at a picture of him makes my stomach get that feeling like I am going down a roller coster.

 

I swear to God, when my ex and I would stand close to each other you could feel the energy coming off of our skin. That's how intense it was.

 

Maybe I used up all of my butterfly chances on this one person. I do not think I can handle being in a new relationship without it though.

 

I am not 17 if that makes a difference.

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Eternal Sunshine
or is it that your just have unreasonable expectations?

 

Some people would rather be single than be in a relationship with someone they are not that attracted to. I don't see what's unreasonable about that.

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or is it that your just have unreasonable expectations?

 

Try this explanation;

 

Imagine, for most of your life, you've had "Pretty Good Cake".

It tastes nice enough. It's in offensive. You get by with PGC.

 

Then, one day, out of the blue, you're introduced to 'GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE'. You never believed Cake could taste this good. Nothing in your life experience had lead you to believe *you* could feel so good just eating cake.

Your world is altered by this new experience of GDAC.

 

Of course, eventually this cake runs out. So it's back to looking for new cake.

 

Unfortunately "Pretty Good Cake" now tastes like ash in your mouth. The whole experience feels hollow. Because you REMEMBER how damn amazing "GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE" was.

 

So what do you do? Try and make do with "Pretty Good Cake", knowing full well that cake can taste SO MUCH BETTER, if you could just find another "GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE"...

 

...

 

Wait.. I had a point... now I just want cake...

 

;)

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Try this explanation;

 

Imagine, for most of your life, you've had "Pretty Good Cake".

It tastes nice enough. It's in offensive. You get by with PGC.

 

Then, one day, out of the blue, you're introduced to 'GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE'. You never believed Cake could taste this good. Nothing in your life experience had lead you to believe *you* could feel so good just eating cake.

Your world is altered by this new experience of GDAC.

 

Of course, eventually this cake runs out. So it's back to looking for new cake.

 

Unfortunately "Pretty Good Cake" now tastes like ash in your mouth. The whole experience feels hollow. Because you REMEMBER how damn amazing "GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE" was.

 

So what do you do? Try and make do with "Pretty Good Cake", knowing full well that cake can taste SO MUCH BETTER, if you could just find another "GOD DAMN AMAZING CAKE"...

 

...

 

Wait.. I had a point... now I just want cake...

 

;)

 

And I know couples who found the love of their life, they separated or became widowed, and then they fell head over heels for another.

 

It happens.

 

It is not always a case of not being able to find someone " as good as " the FREAKING AWESOME CAKE:lmao:

 

I was really into a guy back in Jan. I am also really into a guy currently. I was no " more or less" into either man. They are simply different men who I am just as into.

 

Some people have the capacity to feel more connections than others. They have sparky personalities and a certain look about them.

 

Others don't readily find that butterfly feeling.

 

I guess I am lucky that I always end up finding people I am into, and I never feel like I settle with new guys I opt to date....

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I guess I am lucky that I always end up finding people I am into, and I never feel like I settle with new guys I opt to date....

 

I'm at the other end of the spectrum and my experience is almost exactly like Hunks.

 

I feel like I can meet dozens of "perfectly nice" women, but never feel any real attraction for them.

 

There are of course the "very attractive" women, who.. you know, EVERYONE finds attractive, but those women are simply off the table for most men (including me, joe average looking).

 

So finding someone who's sparks "feelings", yet finds you attractive in return is .. well.. frustratingly difficult.

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I'm at the other end of the spectrum and my experience is almost exactly like Hunks.

 

I feel like I can meet dozens of "perfectly nice" women, but never feel any real attraction for them.

 

There are of course the "very attractive" women, who.. you know, EVERYONE finds attractive, but those women are simply off the table for most men (including me, joe average looking).

 

So finding someone who's sparks "feelings", yet finds you attractive in return is .. well.. frustratingly difficult.

 

I don't find it hard.

 

It isn't rare for me to find people I share mutual sparks with.

 

Where as one of my friends never really feels "it" for men! And strangely, not that many feel sparks with her DESPITE her being slightly more attractive than me!

 

I feel mutual sparks often....however, I am either: in a relationship, THEY are in a relationship, they are unavailable, live long distance OR our personalities do not mesh beyond the fireworks. Finding that mutual spark is easy for me and it is nearly always reciprocated. It is finding an AVAILABLE person, who isw COMPATIBLE that is hard!!!

 

Oh well. I put myself out there and am dating my...5th or so guy this year. I am not afraid to go after sparks, until I find compatibility paired along with it!

 

I suspect the current guy isn't the one for me, I am not sure he is head over heels for me despite having an overt sexual attraction to me. I will no doubt meet men in real life and online in no time, find a mutual "butterflies" based thing, and try it out again in search of compatability..

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I don't find it hard.

 

It isn't rare for me to find people I share mutual sparks with.

 

Where as one of my friends never really feels "it" for men! And strangely, not that many feel sparks with her DESPITE her being slightly more attractive than me!

 

I feel mutual sparks often....however, I am either: in a relationship, THEY are in a relationship, they are unavailable, live long distance OR our personalities do not mesh beyond the fireworks. Finding that mutual spark is easy for me and it is nearly always reciprocated. It is finding an AVAILABLE person, who isw COMPATIBLE that is hard!!!

 

Oh well. I put myself out there and am dating my...5th or so guy this year. I am not afraid to go after sparks, until I find compatibility paired along with it!

 

I suspect the current guy isn't the one for me, I am not sure he is head over heels for me despite having an overt sexual attraction to me. I will no doubt meet men in real life and online in no time, find a mutual "butterflies" based thing, and try it out again in search of compatability..

 

Must be nice to be able to jump from relationship to relationship without skipping a beat.

 

My emotional makeup tends to lead me to get way too attached to people. Take me way longer than it should to bounce back and get back into the game.

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Must be nice to be able to jump from relationship to relationship without skipping a beat.

 

My emotional makeup tends to lead me to get way too attached to people. Take me way longer than it should to bounce back and get back into the game.

 

 

 

Oh well, too many men lie OR change their mind to the point where I actually don't even expect anything.

 

I don't cry or get upset for more than a day when it fizzles as I expect it to fizzle.

 

It will just be like a smnall lotto win when it actually progresses into a "relationship":lmao:

 

I am giving this guy a decent chance and actually seeking opinions before ending it as I want to be fair, he may be into me but I somehow doubt it.

 

I don't jump from relationship to relationship. I have yet to have a relationship since last October. I just date people.

 

Really hard to find an actual relationship!

 

It seels chemistry is easy for me. Compatibility is what evades me! Cos I am a weird girl.....

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Oh well, too many men lie OR change their mind to the point where I actually don't even expect anything.

 

I don't cry or get upset for more than a day when it fizzles as I expect it to fizzle.

 

It will just be like a smnall lotto win when it actually progresses into a "relationship":lmao:

 

I am giving this guy a decent chance and actually seeking opinions before ending it as I want to be fair, he may be into me but I somehow doubt it.

 

I don't jump from relationship to relationship. I have yet to have a relationship since last October. I just date people.

 

Really hard to find an actual relationship!

 

It seels chemistry is easy for me. Compatibility is what evades me! Cos I am a weird girl.....

 

Yeah, I understand. Didn't mean to make it sound callous.

I really *do* wish I could just say "eh, that's life" and not let it get to me.

 

It hurts having a chain of failed relationships dragging along behind you. Even when logically you know the reasons they failed and that it was, in each case, the right call to make.

 

Sometimes I just wonder if eventually you become so damaged, you aren't actually able to have a healthy relationship anymore.

 

In your own case Leigh, do you ever wonder if you're subconsciously setting yourself up for failure? Walking in with such low expectations for the relationship?

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Is this a problem for anyone else?

 

Basically I am the type of person who can get along with anybody. I can talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. Last night I went out on a date with this girl, and we instantly hit it off but i don't know whether it was genuine chemistry or me just making her extremely comfortable. She started opening up about her troubled past and depression etc and it kind of started bothering me and turning me off a bit. We got along REALLY well though, conversation just flowed ridiculously well. But as I said, I can really do this with most people, so i just don't know if last night was anything special or anything. I didn't feel "that" attraction to her but everything else was great which really bothers me.

 

This happened with my ex as well, in fact this date was almost identical in the way we interacted and the things we spoke about. With her I also didn't feel "that" attraction. The girl from last night really wants to see me again and I don't even know what I want (again, exactly like the beginnings of my last relationship).

 

See what you did there?

Straight into speaking about and comparing her to your ex, you didn't compare her to other women you have seen, dated or work with even.

I suggest you have not really got over your ex yet.

Also troubles and depression on the first date is TOO much information, no wonder there was no spark, unless depression turns you on. :eek:

I guess not.

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Yeah, I understand. Didn't mean to make it sound callous.

I really *do* wish I could just say "eh, that's life" and not let it get to me.

 

It hurts having a chain of failed relationships dragging along behind you. Even when logically you know the reasons they failed and that it was, in each case, the right call to make.

 

Sometimes I just wonder if eventually you become so damaged, you aren't actually able to have a healthy relationship anymore.

 

In your own case Leigh, do you ever wonder if you're subconsciously setting yourself up for failure? Walking in with such low expectations for the relationship?

 

I got upset. I mean, I cannot share a bed and cuddle a man to sleep and then be indifferent when they end it. Or I end it for their lack of attention or whatever.

 

I do get upset. I don't cry but I miss them, as I do bond with them to some extent!

 

And the sex! Boy, because I only go for intense chemistry and butterflies, leaving the sex behind KILLS me, as it is always mind blowing.

 

I am very positive! I def think I will meet the RIGHT guy, but I have no expectations no matter HOW magical the chemistry is and the compatability seem UNTIL we are established in a serious relationship!

 

I am ALWAYS open to a great relationship.. I am just never surprised when it fizzles early on...

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Some people would rather be single than be in a relationship with someone they are not that attracted to. I don't see what's unreasonable about that.

 

This.

 

It's not about "unrealistic expectations." This feeling IS real and I've had it with three people in my life. Is it rare? Yes! But it is out there and I'd rather wait for it, date around, keep options open, than date someone exclusively, settle, feel nothing for that person and wind up miserable.

 

Why do you think divorce rate is as high as it is? Why do you think you walk around and see all these mismatched, incompatible, unhappy couples?

 

People need instant gratification. Most people are too scared to be single for five seconds so they jump into relationships with people who aren't right for them. They marry people based on their "resume" instead of actual feeling and emotion.

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Life isn't a disney movie, and it's too bad that more and more women expect life to be a disney move. Chemistry is a made up thing, as an excuse used when a woman dumps a good guy because he isn't hot or sexy enough. just three out of thousands are good enough. women have because spoliled brats. im so ****ing sick of dating and dealing with this attitude.

 

Wait a minute, chemistry occurs when a man IS hot and sexy enough, connects emotionally and is an interesting person to boot, so it is hardly made up.

SO according to you, women need to be dating guys who are not seen by them as hot and sexy?

So do you want to have sex with someone you don't find hot and sexy?..

I guess not. :rolleyes:

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