Boyfriend has no time for me and thinks I'm selfish

[C0nfused1980]

Hi guys,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years but it's been long distance for the past 4 months. We went through a couple of rough patches but have been doing reasonably okay since he moved away.

 

For the past two weeks though, he has barely had any time for me to talk on the phone or Skype. We would catch up every other day or so on messages but nothing solid - so I have felt very disconnected from him and can't really say I know what's going on in his life as such. I brought this up with him today as he once again cut our chat conversation short and told him that I feel we hardly talk now. He said he has no time for me right now between his work and other commitments but things are okay with us and he asked me to not make a 'big deal' about this.

 

I tried to be supportive and told him I wouldn't but I am just concerned. Then I ended the conversation with 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. Now that really got on my nerves - I actually do understand how busy and stressed out he is right now BUT he could be nicer about the whole situation. It makes a world of difference to hear something like, "babe, so sorry I have no time, I do love you and miss you and will try to catch up as often as I can but it's going to be tough for a while" as opposed to what I got which was a brutal this is how it is, bye!!

 

Needless to say I got very upset and I called him and told him this is not going to work for me and I expect to be treated a lot better specially if he cannot make any time for me as such and I asked him if he can do that or if it's too much. He said he is busy and cannot talk or give me an answer and hung up!!

 

I messaged him then and repeated myself basically and told him I need an answer as I refuse to hang around for the next however long waiting to find out what he wants - specially as I am supposed to fly over to see him in 3 weeks and obviously I would have to cancel all plans if things go badly. He still said he is busy and needs time to think and when I pushed a bit more he said I am being selfish.

 

Now, from my point of view - he is the one who is being very selfish!! Should I just call it quits? I really, really don't want to - I genuinely love him from the bottom of my heart and despite this, I know he does love me too. What should I do?

[katiegrl]

Hi guys,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years but it's been long distance for the past 4 months. We went through a couple of rough patches but have been doing reasonably okay since he moved away.

 

For the past two weeks though, he has barely had any time for me to talk on the phone or Skype. We would catch up every other day or so on messages but nothing solid - so I have felt very disconnected from him and can't really say I know what's going on in his life as such. I brought this up with him today as he once again cut our chat conversation short and told him that I feel we hardly talk now. He said he has no time for me right now between his work and other commitments but things are okay with us and he asked me to not make a 'big deal' about this.

 

I tried to be supportive and told him I wouldn't but I am just concerned. Then I ended the conversation with 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. Now that really got on my nerves - I actually do understand how busy and stressed out he is right now BUT he could be nicer about the whole situation. It makes a world of difference to hear something like, "babe, so sorry I have no time, I do love you and miss you and will try to catch up as often as I can but it's going to be tough for a while" as opposed to what I got which was a brutal this is how it is, bye!!

 

Needless to say I got very upset and I called him and told him this is not going to work for me and I expect to be treated a lot better specially if he cannot make any time for me as such and I asked him if he can do that or if it's too much. He said he is busy and cannot talk or give me an answer and hung up!!

 

I messaged him then and repeated myself basically and told him I need an answer as I refuse to hang around for the next however long waiting to find out what he wants - specially as I am supposed to fly over to see him in 3 weeks and obviously I would have to cancel all plans if things go badly. He still said he is busy and needs time to think and when I pushed a bit more he said I am being selfish.

 

Now, from my point of view - he is the one who is being very selfish!! Should I just call it quits? I really, really don't want to - I genuinely love him from the bottom of my heart and despite this, I know he does love me too. What should I do?

 

I will make this simple for you. YES, call it quits..he doesn't give a shyt.

[BikerAccnt]

I am going thru something very similar with my GF, however we aren't long distance.

 

 

Anyway, to your question.

 

 

You kind of painted yourself in a corner with your ultimatum. You told him that you wanted an answer and more time from him and if it was to much for him... The fact that after you said that he actually hung up on you speaks volumes.

 

 

I suggest you back off, cancel your plans to visit, and leave the ball in his court. If he's indeed to busy to even talk to you civilly, I don't think a trip to see him is going to help much.

 

 

I understand being busy, but even If they really are "that" busy, is that the kind of relationship you want to be in. I find myself asking that question about my relationship a lot lately too.

[Redhead14]

Hi guys,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years but it's been long distance for the past 4 months. We went through a couple of rough patches but have been doing reasonably okay since he moved away.

 

For the past two weeks though, he has barely had any time for me to talk on the phone or Skype. We would catch up every other day or so on messages but nothing solid - so I have felt very disconnected from him and can't really say I know what's going on in his life as such. I brought this up with him today as he once again cut our chat conversation short and told him that I feel we hardly talk now. He said he has no time for me right now between his work and other commitments but things are okay with us and he asked me to not make a 'big deal' about this.

 

Then I ended the conversation with 'I love you' but he didn't say it back. Now that really got on my nerves - I actually do understand how busy and stressed out he is right now BUT he could be nicer about the whole situation. It makes a world of difference to hear something like, "babe, so sorry I have no time, I do love you and miss you and will try to catch up as often as I can but it's going to be tough for a while" as opposed to what I got which was a brutal this is how it is, bye!!

 

Needless to say I got very upset and I called him and told him this is not going to work for me and I expect to be treated a lot better specially if he cannot make any time for me as such and I asked him if he can do that or if it's too much. He said he is busy and cannot talk or give me an answer and hung up!!

 

I messaged him then and repeated myself basically and told him I need an answer as I refuse to hang around for the next however long waiting to find out what he wants - specially as I am supposed to fly over to see him in 3 weeks and obviously I would have to cancel all plans if things go badly. He still said he is busy and needs time to think and when I pushed a bit more he said I am being selfish.

 

Now, from my point of view - he is the one who is being very selfish!! Should I just call it quits? I really, really don't want to - I genuinely love him from the bottom of my heart and despite this, I know he does love me too. What should I do?

 

When a couple is at an impasse about something, it is important to take a step back and not push the issue if one or the other is becoming frustrated. It appears that he told you he was busy and struggling with somethings and you continued to repetitively push the issue.

 

It is best to simply state what your needs are and let the other person take it from there for a bit.

 

I tried to be supportive and told him I wouldn't but I am just concerned.

 

I actually do understand how busy and stressed out he is right now

 

If you truly do understand and embrace the fact that he is busy and stressed right now and want to be supportive, you can't be pushing your needs on him at this point. The way to be supportive and understanding is to say "I realize you're struggling right now, so I'll give you a little time. I'd like it if we could talk again X day (about a week or so later) to talk about my upcoming visit and pull back a little. Not as a game, just to give some space for the issue to calm down.

[C0nfused1980]

Thanks for your thoughts guys!

 

To be honest, him not having time for me for the next few weeks I can deal with.. I don't like it but I mean it's not the end of the world. My issue is the fact that he can't be 'nice' about it - rather than being a little apologetic or loving to make me feel better, he's just blunt with zero affection! That just makes me feel like crap!!

 

That said, I am feeling very weak.. I really don't know if I have the strength to let it go

[katiegrl]

Thanks for your thoughts guys!

 

To be honest, him not having time for me for the next few weeks I can deal with.. I don't like it but I mean it's not the end of the world. My issue is the fact that he can't be 'nice' about it - rather than being a little apologetic or loving to make me feel better, he's just blunt with zero affection! That just makes me feel like crap!!

 

That said, I am feeling very weak.. I really don't know if I have the strength to let it go

 

Well hanging around "waiting" for him to treat you with love and respect isn't doing you any good either, is it?

 

And I am not talking about the time issue either. It's the way he speaks to you in general, hangs up on you...etc...his behavior is not only disrespectful, it's insensitive and cruel and certainly not indicative of a man who cares about you..not even a little!

[fitnessfan365]

Wow.. The prick actually hung up on you?

 

In all honesty, I would have said to end it based on the fact that it's a LDR. In the end, you can't date a phone. But he is putting absolutely zero effort in. Now granted, I get that it's hard because you've been with him for two years. I mean this isn't a guy you just met. But it seems like he has clearly moved on emotionally and is too much of a coward to tell you. So he's trying to take the passive aggressive way out, and get you to do the breaking up for him.

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your thoughts guys!

 

To be honest, him not having time for me for the next few weeks I can deal with.. I don't like it but I mean it's not the end of the world. My issue is the fact that he can't be 'nice' about it - rather than being a little apologetic or loving to make me feel better, he's just blunt with zero affection! That just makes me feel like crap!!

 

That said, I am feeling very weak.. I really don't know if I have the strength to let it go

 

Stress on top of stress gets negative results.

 

He said he has no time for me right now between his work and other commitments but things are okay with us and he asked me to not make a 'big deal' about this. -- He told you in a honest upfront way what was going on and reassured you that things were OK. The way he put this particular statement implies that your tone or approach in addressing it was already pressuring him at that point. I am feeling very weak. -- this may come across as needy or whiney. Just saying. Be strong, give some space. Be busy with your own life as well

Edited April 16, 2015 by Redhead14

[katiegrl]

You are not gonna like my response, but if I had to take a wild guess, it would be he met another woman who is local, and does not want to deal with you anymore.

 

Apologies for being so blunt, but that is what my gut is screaming right now.

 

Hence his crappy attitude, him getting so annoyed, hanging up on you, etc.

 

You asked if you should call it quits?

 

YES!!!

[C0nfused1980]

Well - we got into a massive fight and both of us completely flew off the handle and ended it. I think I'm in shock right now to be honest but this is going to hurt so badly

 

Also - a stupid little part of me is still thinking maybe it was all said in anger and we can still patch up - denial. I just don't know - I hate this so much - we were so much better than this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well - we got into a massive fight and both of us completely flew off the handle and ended it. I think I'm in shock right now to be honest but this is going to hurt so badly

 

Also - a stupid little part of me is still thinking maybe it was all said in anger and we can still patch up - denial. I just don't know - I hate this so much - we were so much better than this.

 

Yikes. What was said during this fight?

[C0nfused1980]

Well - as I felt he was playing games and not giving me a straight answer as to whether he's wiling to put in more effort (I was initially aiming for a civil mature conversation regardless of what way it goes), I decided to dig in my heels and push for an answer this time as he has a history of running and avoiding conflict.

 

He was quite nasty about it - he had plenty of time to send me responses indicating he is too busy to talk but too stubborn to just let me know whether he would be willing to work on it or not. I ended up calling him and got more of the same and eventually I lost my temper and said this is not working for me. He said I can do whatever I want and I said I don't want to end things but he's not leaving me with much choice. He then said what do you want from me, what are you even asking? So for the third or fourth time I said while I understand how busy he is, I need him to at least be affectionate or show some appreciation not just throw me aside whenever he feels like it and expect me to be waiting with open arms when the busy period is over.

 

To that, he said okay got your point. So I said okay, great so we can work on things then? But then I guess he was being stubborn again - and he said he doesn't know and he doesn't have time for this right now! So again I pushed and said one way or another make up your mind - either you want to work on this or not. He kept saying he's busy - it was all so ridiculous.

 

Anyway, then ten minutes into this pointless conversation, he got really frustrated and said fine we are over and I said okay. That was that. I feel like a five year old writing this..!!

[preraph]

Is he in the military or is his job very important or what? If he was wanting to keep you very bad, he'd be wanting to Skype and see you. If his job isn't overwhelming in some important way that makes everything else seem trivial, then he is seeing other women. If he wasn't, he'd be wanting to Skype you all the time to see you and have some romance when he's home alone.

[C0nfused1980]

Nope not in the military. He's just set up a new business venture and is super busy with it.

[preraph]

If he's just not being romantic at all, he's not thinking of your needs at all, so I guess that's the only thing we can know for sure.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope not in the military. He's just set up a new business venture and is super busy with it.

 

If I understand correctly, this has been going on only a couple weeks (based on what you initially wrote) Or is this a pattern in your relationship? If he truly is busy with setting up a new business, he's probably feeling pressure from all parts of his life right now and isn't coping well with balancing a relationship and his work. He might not have any malicious intentions (and is not necessarily seeing other people) but it doesn't sound like it's working for you. I don't think your requests are that unreasonable, but can I ask how you phrased it to him? He could've been set off by something. Just speculating.

 

You also mentioned that you have had some rough patches in the past. What happened?

 

Perhaps this time apart will give you both the chance to reflect. Are you really happy with the current status? Was there an end point to the distance?

[Treasa]

Is this the same guy you posted about last year? The one who broke up with you?

 

I glanced at your earlier threads, and it seems like you're the one always chasing. This really struck a chord for me, as I was like that with an ex at one time. We broke up multiple times, but I'd always act sort of flirty and try to take things slow, at his request, and we'd get back together, only to have it happen again. Thankfully I realized what an idiot he was after the last time we broke up, and the cycle ended.

 

My gut feeling is that this relationship isn't right for either one of you. Are you sure it's not fear keeping you pursuing him, rather than healthy, honest love?

 

You can't ever make anyone act the way you want them to. You can't change anyone else.

 

Leave him alone and find someone who will cause harmony with you, rather than discord.

[PinkCarnations]

It's actually good that he decided to break things off, because now you have your peace. You tried your best to mend things, but it was him who gave up. Follow the No Contact Rule. If you guys have been dating this long, he's bound to contact you after a few weeks/months of silence. He's going to miss your affection after a while, and only then will he be able to appreciate you. Or alternatively, he finds someone new. If that's the case, there was nothing you could do. He didn't love you enough. And it's better you find out this way, then to hold on to something that was making you unhappy. There's someone better out there for you. Good luck.

[C0nfused1980]

If I understand correctly, this has been going on only a couple weeks (based on what you initially wrote) Or is this a pattern in your relationship? If he truly is busy with setting up a new business, he's probably feeling pressure from all parts of his life right now and isn't coping well with balancing a relationship and his work. He might not have any malicious intentions (and is not necessarily seeing other people) but it doesn't sound like it's working for you. I don't think your requests are that unreasonable, but can I ask how you phrased it to him? He could've been set off by something. Just speculating.

 

You also mentioned that you have had some rough patches in the past. What happened?

 

Perhaps this time apart will give you both the chance to reflect. Are you really happy with the current status? Was there an end point to the distance?

 

 

No, it has become a bit of a pattern. Whenever he has something going on, I get shut out. To be honest, while that is far from ideal, that's not what really killed me - I can deal with him needing time to get his life sorted. The issue is the way he phrases it and the attitude that comes with it. It's always just expected, not asked if that makes any sense. I think he just got to a point where he was completely taking me for granted and seemed to think he could say/do whatever he wanted and I'd still be sticking around.

 

That said, I have been an absolute mess since the break up. I'm still hoping he will come around - this is not what I was hoping to achieve at all, I just wanted to get through to him.

 

The long distance situation was going to get better (currently we are half way across the world from each other) in a few months as I will be moving back home as well so just in different cities not too far away from each other and after another year or so we were planning to move in together so it was definitely not a permanent situation. What is really killing me is - I was so close to seeing him after months. This really really hurts.

[C0nfused1980]

I know what you guys mean - and perhaps this is for the best. I just cannot see that yet as I am in far too much pain and I guess going through the denial stage and hoping we can still patch up and make it work.

 

Despite all the up and downs, he's a really good guy and I just don't want to let it go yet - but maybe I won't have a choice. I won't be chasing him though (hopefully I can stick to that!) as I think he should come to me if he wants to sort this out. I guess if he doesn't, he's happier just moving on and letting go

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like there were serious communication problems between the two of you, and an incompatibility especially when it comes to dealing with stress. Women usually want to talk it out; a lot of men want to focus on dealing with the issue and then chatting about it. As you can see, the way to get through to someone is not by issuing ultimatums and threatening to break up if that's not what you really want. Usually it that backfires, as it has here.

 

Give it some time. Let the dust settle. You are both clearly angry with each other and need some time to cool off. What were the problems you experienced before in this relationship?

[C0nfused1980]

Yep, our communication styles are very different.

 

In the past, we actually broke up once for about 2 months basically over something very similar although it wasn't long distance at the time. He just tends to shut me out when he's stressed out and doesn't bother to be nice about it. He's also not been very verbally affectionate since our honeymoon period when we first got together which threw me off. He's more of a I should know how he feels kind of a guy.

 

Now that didn't bother me as much when we were physically able to see each other all the time although it did irk me now and then. Now that he's not here though, words are all we have so the fact that he still cannot be bothered to occasionally let me know he loves me or misses me or thinks about me really bothers me. I have said this to him several times but he thinks I am just being insecure and should know all of this without him having to say it.

 

About 3-4 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight over some guy friends of mine who were coming on to me and he felt I hadn't done enough to put at end to it. He got quite nasty about it and it was a bad fight but we worked it out and I sorted out the problem from my end as well. Things were almost back on track when this happened and yes, I know I pushed him into saying it's over.

 

A part of me is really wishing I could take back the last 24 hours - I wish this hadn't happened with every ounce of my being. But then another part of me thinks it was time I stood up for myself and dug in my heels as he was just not getting that his lack of affection was making me unhappy - or didn't care enough to change his ways.

 

Either way, I honestly do not want this to be the end. Definitely not like this! We have been through so much together and are so good with each other in so many other ways. I am considering asking him if he still wants me to go see him in a few weeks - either to work it out or at least get some closure. Is that a bad idea?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yep, our communication styles are very different.

 

In the past, we actually broke up once for about 2 months basically over something very similar although it wasn't long distance at the time. He just tends to shut me out when he's stressed out and doesn't bother to be nice about it. He's also not been very verbally affectionate since our honeymoon period when we first got together which threw me off. He's more of a I should know how he feels kind of a guy.

 

Now that didn't bother me as much when we were physically able to see each other all the time although it did irk me now and then. Now that he's not here though, words are all we have so the fact that he still cannot be bothered to occasionally let me know he loves me or misses me or thinks about me really bothers me. I have said this to him several times but he thinks I am just being insecure and should know all of this without him having to say it.

 

About 3-4 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight over some guy friends of mine who were coming on to me and he felt I hadn't done enough to put at end to it. He got quite nasty about it and it was a bad fight but we worked it out and I sorted out the problem from my end as well. Things were almost back on track when this happened and yes, I know I pushed him into saying it's over.

 

A part of me is really wishing I could take back the last 24 hours - I wish this hadn't happened with every ounce of my being. But then another part of me thinks it was time I stood up for myself and dug in my heels as he was just not getting that his lack of affection was making me unhappy - or didn't care enough to change his ways.

 

Either way, I honestly do not want this to be the end. Definitely not like this! We have been through so much together and are so good with each other in so many other ways. I am considering asking him if he still wants me to go see him in a few weeks - either to work it out or at least get some closure. Is that a bad idea?

 

You can see he's very likely not going to change. This is who he is. Just as your need for verbal affirmation isn't going to change. Neither of you is wrong or right. You're just very different in this sense, and there doesn't appear to be a compromise in the works. In the end, you might just not be compatible in this area, which is an important one.

 

For now, I wouldn't suggest going to see him unless it is to work it out. Do not go and see him for closure. It will the most painfully awkward move you could make and will not provide the ending you are seeking.

[C0nfused1980]

Well - after giving each other space for a few days to cool off, we finally had a conversation. He said that I made it quite clear we are no longer together and he cannot handle my temper anymore and he does want to break up. He also acknowledged that he's made his fair share of mistakes but said he's got too much going on his life to be able to deal with this right now and thinks we should both move on.

 

I did apologise for the overreaction but I cannot change what's happened so I respected his decision. He did say maybe things will be different in the future but I get the feeling he was just trying to be kind.

 

This hurts a lot more than I expected, I thought I was quite prepared for this but I guess not. It is going to be really rough getting over this - I think what makes it even more painful is how much I was looking forward to finally seeing him after so long and it was so close - and now nothing. I truly hate that this has happened but trying to tell myself it's for the best

[lucy_in_disguise]

Its for the best. Hes selfish and you will always be left hoping for more with this guy. Be glad that he had the balls to end it now rather than dragging it out for another year of LDR in which he isaways accusing you of being selfish and needy for expecting to be shown minimal care.