Indecisive Girlfriend. Do I push or pull?!

[ConfusedInOC]

I have been seeing (but not seriously) dating someone for the past 8 months. Our relationship isn't progressing where I want it to and when I confront her about it, she says she is just confused.

 

Last night I put the hammer down some more. Please fall to one side of the fence so I can live my life.

 

She says (and I quote)

 

"I know you're frustrated and frankly I don't blame you. I'm realizing that all this

has turned into a very hurtful process for you. It's not fair for you to continue

having to walk away week after week and still have no sense of closure. To think

that my indecision is hurting you is hurting me. That's what I've been thinking

about a lot lately. Everytime you leave my house, in such high spirits despite all

my hesitation of moving forward, my heart sinks down into this cistern of acid and a

little piece of it sizzles away. I appreciate your waiting for me, but in the

meantime I feel like such a shmuck for dragging things out. Maybe all these years

of having been so judgemental of myself has also left me too judgemental of others?

Perhaps I was expecting "the one" to come bursting through the clouds or something.

I guess I still haven't learned that perfection comes in many different forms.

Maybe I'm feeling a different kind of pressure with you that I didn't feel with past

boyfriends b/c I knew for a fact that I could never and would never marry them b/c

of the Christian thing. Now that that's less of a barrier, perhaps I'm in shock

and don't know what to do with myself now that the option is there to move

foward..... Maybe I'm fighting myself? I don't know. I'm sorry that I can't make

heads from tails right now. I am doing my best to be honest with myself and that's

about the only form of consolation I can offer you at this time. Yes, no, dunno.

Maybe I've been thinking too hard and have worn away that part of my brain that

makes decisions. Sure feels like it anyway."

 

 

How do I push without completely pushing her away? Or is that something I NEED to do?

[alphamale]

Dear Confused:

 

This one is not interested in going any further. You should cut your losses (and time and resources) and find someone else.

 

I make this conclusion solely by what she said. Also, there is a reason why you have been seeing the woman for 8 months without getting serious. This is because she does not want to be serious.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

Dear Confused:

 

This one is not interested in going any further. You should cut your losses (and time and resources) and find someone else.

 

I make this conclusion solely by what she said. Also, there is a reason why you have been seeing the woman for 8 months without getting serious. This is because she does not want to be serious.

 

I wouldn't say she's not interested. She's confused. All I want to do is help her clear the confusion.

 

I am interested in steps I can take to resolve this. I want to push her in one direction or the other. Ideally, I want to keep her but if it's not in the card, I need to know.

[morrigan]

ConfusedinOc, where do you want the relationship to progress?

 

Her letter is basically. . . indecisive. It sounds like she knew she wouldn't have to worry about getting too involved with her exes, because of religious differences. She had walls put up to keep these other guys from getting too close, it rather sounds like the same thing is going on in regards to you.

 

You can't push her into changing her mind. You either lay off and accept that it may not lead to anything more serious. If you don't feel that you and this girl are wanting the same things, I'd suggest breaking up.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I wouldn't say she's not interested. She's confused. All I want to do is help her clear the confusion.

 

I am interested in steps I can take to resolve this. I want to push her in one direction or the other. Ideally, I want to keep her but if it's not in the card, I need to know.

 

 

In that case then you need to leave her alone for 2 or 3 months. No contact with her whatsoever, no email, no texting, no phone calls, no seeing each other in person, etc....

 

During this time she will be able to assess her feeling for you and see whether she misses you or not. But the ball is in her court and if it comes out bad for you then you must live with it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What you can do is tell her that you understand that she is confused, and that you think it would help to clear her head if you gave her some space. Tell her that you will not contact her, and ask that she not contact you until she is over her confusion. Your being there isn't going to help matters, but maybe your *not* being there will. Otherwise you can look forward to a lot more 'confusion', and you're relationship will probably just stay right where it is.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

What you can do is tell her that you understand that she is confused, and that you think it would help to clear her head if you gave her some space. Tell her that you will not contact her, and ask that she not contact you until she is over her confusion. Your being there isn't going to help matters, but maybe your *not* being there will. Otherwise you can look forward to a lot more 'confusion', and you're relationship will probably just stay right where it is.

 

I was thinking this very same thing. In fact, when I wrote to her that sparked her reply, I said that it might be best for me to "go away for some time" to see if that has any effect on her.

 

I almost want to tell her by not choosing, she has essentially made a choice not to move forward which is the same as saying no.

 

I am certain that a void would be left in her life without me (as with me). While I don't want to lose her, I can't go on floating in space with no clear destination in our relationship.

[Debster]

She knows that you are not 'the one' but she doesn't want to end something completely because she does like spending time with you and care about you. But she doesn't want to get serious with someone unless they are 'the one'. Sorry.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Debster

She knows that you are not 'the one' but she doesn't want to end something completely because she does like spending time with you and care about you. But she doesn't want to get serious with someone unless they are 'the one'. Sorry.

 

I think she realizes now that the "one" isn't going to come in the form she thought. See that she wrote "Busting through the clouds" and "perfection comes in many forms.'

 

She wouldn't write any of that if she felt I couldn't be. She's confused and I agree, put up a wall for many years. Now that the wall isn't there anymore, she's very confused because the option to get married is there and now she has no excuse not to.

 

In other words, she CAN get married now and the thought of that is making her head spin

[Pocky]

After reading the letter my first thought was this woman cares for you and probably loves you but it isn't the deep earth shattering love women often want to experience. It appears that the relationship with you, while it's not bad, it's not what she has envisioned for her future. Seems to me that she's not 100% head over heels in love with you and that's exactly what she wants and expects to have with someone she plans to marry. While her confusion may stem from the fact that she does indeed have feelings for you and doesn't want to hurt you, her aversion to serious commitment may be because she's not sure you're the perfect one for her.

[GirlDown]

you can't really ask for advice on one side of the fence or the other if you're juist going to disagree with everyone who doesn't think she wants to be with you.

 

that letter seemed like a nice way to say "you're not getting anywhere with me, please move on."

 

i understand you want to be with this girl, but it's making you read into things the wrong way. if she wanted to be with you, the message would have been much clearer. it may have said "thank you for waiting for me so long, your patience and loyalty have made me that much closer to wanting a committment. i love you and i will come around. i need a little more time, but it will happen. please just don't give up on me."

 

it did not say that.

 

move on. if you don't, you are going to get hurt. her hints are not getting through to you, and she is going to be resentful about having to be firm, or even mean about it, to get the point across.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by GirlDown

that letter seemed like a nice way to say "you're not getting anywhere with me, please move on."

 

move on. if you don't, you are going to get hurt. her hints are not getting through to you, and she is going to be resentful about having to be firm, or even mean about it, to get the point across.

 

 

I agree totally. WOmen tend to communicate indirectly and in round about ways. You must decode the message in between the words and sentences and that message says "Get lost, i'm not interested any more"

 

She also does not want to hurt yer feelings by coming right out and saying it to you that you should make yourself scarce.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by GirlDown

you can't really ask for advice on one side of the fence or the other if you're juist going to disagree with everyone who doesn't think she wants to be with you.

 

Exactly.

 

 

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I think she realizes now that the "one" isn't going to come in the form she thought. See that she wrote "Busting through the clouds" and "perfection comes in many forms.'

 

She wouldn't write any of that if she felt I couldn't be.

 

I disagree with that last statement. She's basically telling you you're not 'the one'.

 

 

I don't think this girl is confused at all about the relationship, the only thing she's confused about is how to tell you. It sounds like she doesn't want to be with you, but is trying to put the blame on herself and her "confusion" to let you down easy. She's just trying to soften the blow for you by making herself out to be the bad guy.

[GirlDown]

alpha male---

 

well, to be fair, a lot of women do this because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. they already are doing that by choosing not be with you, but just because they don't want to be with you that way doesn't mean they want to hurt you any furthur.

 

if a girl says "i don't like you, i'm done with this relationship" a man (not all, but many) will get angry and nasty. all of the sudden the girl he wanted to be with is a slu*t, or stupid, or something else completely ridiculous. she may, in fact be all these things, but it doesn't have to be a reason she is breaking up. it just happens sometimes. there would still be questions, still hurt feelings, and still convincing to change her mind.

 

if she came out and said that anyway, i have a feeling Confused would been sad, angry, and upset, perhaps to the point of whining, which is irritating to a female. to anyone, actually.

 

 

at this point, i, myself, would have said "listen, dude. i think i made it obvious which direction this is going in. we're done. get over it. this is getting pathetic, and it's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect himself enough to protect his own feelings and to demand what he wants or look elsewhere. i don't want to hurt you, but i tried to be nice and it's not working. please leave me alone now so i can spare you furthur embarrassment."

 

but that would make me a b*itch, wouldn't it? oh well.

 

i guess i take my chances. you gotta do what you gotta do.

[ConfusedInOC]

I'm not arguing, I just know her better than you do

 

I have a plan to help push her to one side of the other. If it's not meant to be, then oh well, at least I know and can move on. I am looking for closure here, one way or the other.

 

While I appreciate the comments, I am still looking for what I had initally asked for: Ways to help push her to one side of the fence or the other. Leaving her is one way, but may not be the best.

 

I would like to hear from someone who's been in a smiliar situation and what they did.

 

Thanks again all!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by GirlDown

alpha male---

 

well, to be fair, a lot of women do this because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. they already are doing that by choosing not be with you, but just because they don't want to be with you that way doesn't mean they want to hurt you any furthur.

 

if a girl says "i don't like you, i'm done with this relationship" a man (not all, but many) will get angry and nasty. all of the sudden the girl he wanted to be with is a slu*t, or stupid, or something else completely ridiculous. she may, in fact be all these things, but it doesn't have to be a reason she is breaking up. it just happens sometimes. there would still be questions, still hurt feelings, and still convincing to change her mind.

 

if she came out and said that anyway, i have a feeling Confused would been sad, angry, and upset, perhaps to the point of whining, which is irritating to a female. to anyone, actually.

 

 

at this point, i, myself, would have said "listen, dude. i think i made it obvious which direction this is going in. we're done. get over it. this is getting pathetic, and it's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect himself enough to protect his own feelings and to demand what he wants or look elsewhere. i don't want to hurt you, but i tried to be nice and it's not working. please leave me alone now so i can spare you furthur embarrassment."

 

but that would make me a b*itch, wouldn't it? oh well.

 

i guess i take my chances. you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

You're assuming all men are immature and don't know how to deal with a relationship. In this case, we're both mature, intelligent adults and can handle it.

 

I'd rather her be straight up with me than play me for a fool.

[Pocky]

Ways to help push her to one side of the fence or the other.

 

By trying "push" her to the side of the fence you want her to be on you're forcing both of you to settle. Why would you want to settle for a relationship with someone that doesn't feel you're the right person for them? And why, if you love someone so much would you want to stand in their way to find the right person to spend their life with?

 

It takes a lot of work to stay married and have a happy marriage. Why anyone want want to "push" someone into that type of commitment is beyond me.

[GirlDown]

i'm sorry.

 

i think you're completely in denial.

 

if you really wanted to push her to one side or the other, you would have realized she's already chosen what she wants.

 

it's not up to you to push her. she needs to decide for herself, and she already has. your idea of letting her choose is convincing her to be with you when you already know what she wants. that's not fair.

 

"I almost want to tell her by not choosing, she has essentially made a choice not to move forward which is the same as saying no."

 

YOU SAID THESE WORDS. instead of pointing this fact out to her, pay some attention to it yourself.

 

she's a confused girl, and saying --"do whatever you makes you comfortable, seriously. pick me or don't pick me. i don't care, i'll still be right here in your face, so if you don't pick me, think it over. and then come to the conclusion i have...that you want me. then we'll both be happy because i am"-- is not helping her.

 

the only way you would truly be letting her decide for herself (as if she hasn't already) would be to say good-bye to her and tell her to contact you when or IF she's ready.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Pocky

By trying "push" her to the side of the fence you want her to be on you're forcing both of you to settle. Why would you want to settle for a relationship with someone that doesn't feel you're the right person for them? And why, if you love someone so much would you want to stand in their way to find the right person to spend their life with?

 

It takes a lot of work to stay married and have a happy marriage. Why anyone want want to "push" someone into that type of commitment is beyond me.

 

I want her simply to choose to commit to being a couple or to agree to a split. That's all I want. I realize marriage is something far down the road. I am not asking her to marry me, I am asking her to stop riding the fence.

 

I deserve that at the very least. So does she. This constant fence riding is causing more harm than good.

 

Closure. That's what I need. And if she won't give it to me, then she'll make me the bad guy by forcing me to walk away.

[GirlDown]

CONFUSED--my post about men was to alpha male--and it was neither a compliment nor an insult.

 

and notice that i put " a man (not all, but some)"

 

that indicates i meant "not all males"

 

i don't know how intelligent she may be, but in your case, i think you're a little clueless in the way of relationships.

 

and you certainly don't like hearing the truth if it's not the truth you want.

[tanbark813]

Dude, you've been posting about this girl for TWO MONTHS about how she's indecisive, doesn't call you, doesn't think she's ready for a relationship, etc, etc. She even got you to convert to Christianity. 6 weeks ago you didn't know what to do about that one.

 

Look around the house for your balls. You must have misplaced them. When you find them, save what's left of your dignity and move on. This girl doesn't like you. Find one who does. It's in your best interest.

[morrigan]

Closure. That's what I need. And if she won't give it to me, then she'll make me the bad guy by forcing me to walk away.

 

Why would that make you a bad guy? It's much more mature and sensible to make a clean break from someone who isn't willing to commit to you rather than to think you can change or force them on the issue. Find someone who freely wants to be with you, where you don't have persuade or compromise.

 

I would say to some point that she herself is being unrealistic about finding one magical person to love. Either that, or it's all literary manure.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Dude, you've been posting about this girl for TWO MONTHS about how she's indecisive, doesn't call you, doesn't think she's ready for a relationship, etc, etc. She even got you to convert to Christianity. 6 weeks ago you didn't know what to do about that one.

 

Look around the house for your balls. You must have misplaced them. When you find them, save what's left of your dignity and move on. This girl doesn't like you. Find one who does. It's in your best interest.

 

If you were giving sound advice, I might listen to you. If you have to resort to insults to get your point across then from that point on your comments are meaningless.

[tiki]

Confused:

 

#1: Dump her and tell her you are looking for a far more serious relationship.

 

#2: Get on with your life

 

#3: Find someone that's *really* into you

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My ex fed me this same BS and we had only dated for a few months. He just wasn't into me. Oh fwell! I found someone who was. Quit wasting time. You've got to wake up and realize that if she were interested, she'd be interested! She's not. Set her free. Let her do this to someone else, but spare yourself.

 

Don't push, don't pull. Run.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by morrigan

Closure. That's what I need. And if she won't give it to me, then she'll make me the bad guy by forcing me to walk away.

 

Why would that make you a bad guy? It's much more mature and sensible to make a clean break from someone who isn't willing to commit to you rather than to think you can change or force them on the issue. Find someone who freely wants to be with you, where you don't have persuade or compromise.

 

I would say to some point that she herself is being unrealistic about finding one magical person to love. Either that, or it's all literary manure.

 

I agree.

 

She's waiting for someone to come sweep her off her feet. She's been waiting for 10 years now. She's had ample opportunity.

 

Heck, I'VE been waiting for someone to dazzle me as well. What I've come to learn that is that it takes time. People who sit around waiting for their "ideal" mate to come along usually end up sad and lonely the rest of their lives.

 

I am not asking her to compromise. I am simply asking for her to be realistic.