Dealing With a Guy who Feels Inadequate.

[BlauFrau]

I've been in a relationship for about 2 years now.

Lately he's suffered about the fact that I don't get pleasure from sex very often.

 

I told him sex wasn't the most important thing, anyone can have sex. He said I'm the only girl he has ever loved and said that it isn't just sex.

 

He said. "it's the only thing that matters. The only thing in the world I want is to give you orgasms, because you are special to me." He also said it's especially unfair because I'm the best sex he has ever had.

 

It's not that he is bad at sex and he has a decently large penis. Not getting off doesn't really bother me. I still get happiness from feeling close to him.

 

He has been saying I deserve someone better and beating himself up about it. I don't think it is an ego problem. He is hard on himself if he hurts my feelings.

 

I really don't know what to do. He really enjoys sex with me but after wards if he thinks I didn't get pleasure he is really sad and feels guilty and if I bring up sex he gets upset. Even when I try to praise him about doing well he gets upset. In fact he started getting sad about it because I praised him about a time that was really amazing. Him feeling like this is actually making things worse. I don't know what to do to fix this.

[fitnessfan365]

Well after two years, the same familiar routines in the bedroom can effect enjoyment. So he should talk to you about why you're burned out, come up with new ways to liven things up, share fantasies that you haven't talked about, etc..

 

I think that by communicating openly about it, and working together on it, will do some good. But him acting insecure and inadequate, definitely won't do anything to increase your arousal. Have you offered any feedback or theories on why your level of enjoyment has dropped?

[ascendotum]

I agree with FF. Try some new things. Even if they don't inspire any great new heights of ecstasy with you, maybe you could pretend a little. I'd hate the thought that my gf is pretending with me I have to admit, but in your circumstance it might prove worthwhile as it seems it would make him feel a lot happier. I get why he is upset. You mean a lot to him,and he wants to express that with sex, but its seems like he is not able to distill in you the same pleasure he gets and wants to give you to make him feel like the bond is more intimate & intense.Telling him what a good job he did is not the same as having bite & claw marks on his shoulders & back and seeing you shudder. I think a lot of guys would feel disappointed in themselves that they could not get their gf to O. Trouble is it sounds like he is letting it weigh down his & your enjoyment of the relationship.

Ever tried an aphrodisiac?

[BlauFrau]

Well after two years, the same familiar routines in the bedroom can effect enjoyment. So he should talk to you about why you're burned out, come up with new ways to liven things up, share fantasies that you haven't talked about, etc..

 

I think that by communicating openly about it, and working together on it, will do some good. But him acting insecure and inadequate, definitely won't do anything to increase your arousal. Have you offered any feedback or theories on why your level of enjoyment has dropped?

 

We are in a long distance relationship ( different Universities) and for the past year only spent summer spring and winter break together. So it isn't burn out. He's the only guy I've been with so I didn't know to fake orgasms and such so it ruined his self esteem. We are already pretty kinky. I've never really enjoyed it much except for every one in a blue moon. Its a physical problem on my part. I do get off from oral and have pretty intense visible orgasms but then he compares that to actual sex and is sad. My level of enjoyment hasn't changed it is actually increased. I mean I'm enthusiastic and enjoy pleasing him. I put on a good show but he sees through it.

Edited April 16, 2015 by BlauFrau

[fitnessfan365]

We are in a long distance relationship ( different Universities) and for the past year only spent summer spring and winter break together. So it isn't burn out. He's the only guy I've been with so I didn't know to fake orgasms and such so it ruined his self esteem. We are already pretty kinky. I've never really enjoyed it much except for every one in a blue moon. Its a physical problem on my part. I do get off from oral and have pretty intense visible orgasms but then he compares that to actual sex and is sad. My level of enjoyment hasn't changed it is actually increased. I mean I'm enthusiastic and enjoy pleasing him. I put on a good show but he sees through it.

 

So you love oral, but hate penetration. Your life would be much easier if you were a lesbian. Now I will say that I do think he is too ego driven and performance based. I can understand why his fixation on how many orgasms you have would get old really fast. Insecurity is one of the biggest turn offs there is. After all, a woman can still love to be f**ked without having g-spot orgasms.

 

But what would be rough for any guy is knowing that you genuinely don't like penetration. If you had your way, you'd want foreplay only. So as soon as sex happens, it turns into a one way experience with you going through the motions. It wouldn't be your lack of g-spot orgasms that would bother me. It would be knowing that I was making you physically uncomfortable and basically forcing you to do something you hate. I mean how he's supposed to feel knowing that you don't want his dick inside you?

 

Have you been able to find out why you have such a problem with penetration? Are you extremely tight and penetration causes you pain? Maybe using lube might help.

[katiegrl]

So you love oral, but hate penetration. Your life would be much easier if you were a lesbian. Now I will say that I do think he is too ego driven and performance based. I can understand why his fixation on how many orgasms you have would get old really fast. Insecurity is one of the biggest turn offs there is. After all, a woman can still love to be f**ked without having g-spot orgasms.

 

But what would be rough for any guy is knowing that you genuinely don't like penetration. If you had your way, you'd want foreplay only. So as soon as sex happens, it turns into a one way experience with you going through the motions. It wouldn't be your lack of g-spot orgasms that would bother me. It would be knowing that I was making you physically uncomfortable and basically forcing you to do something you hate. I mean how he's supposed to feel knowing that you don't want his dick inside you?

 

Have you been able to find out why you have such a problem with penetration? Are you extremely tight and penetration causes you pain? Maybe using lube might help.

 

^^Good post ff... right on.

[katiegrl]

OP, there is "a lot" more to sex (intercourse) than just the physical pleasure of it. Personally, I don't orgasm during intercouse half as much as I do from oral, but I enjoy it just as much, more even!!!

 

There is the *emotional* aspect, him looking straight into my eyes while f**king me... it's incredibly intimate!!!

 

I love those moments with my boyfriend and wouldn't trade them for 100 orgasms via oral!

 

"That" may be what is upsetting your boyfriend. Not the lack orgasms per se, but that you don't enjoy being "intimate" with him in that regard.

[Justanaverageguy]

He's the only guy I've been with so I didn't know to fake orgasms and such so it ruined his self esteem. We are already pretty kinky. I've never really enjoyed it much except for every one in a blue moon. Its a physical problem on my part. I do get off from oral and have pretty intense visible orgasms but then he compares that to actual sex and is sad. My level of enjoyment hasn't changed it is actually increased. I mean I'm enthusiastic and enjoy pleasing him. I put on a good show but he sees through it.

 

I happened to read a sex book about a year back .... I was experimenting and keen to get some new insights I read something specifically that seems to apply here. Basically just that for different women different things get them off. Pretty straight forward everyone kind of knows that. Some girls are "clitoral" girls and love to get off orally or with masturbation. Some girls are "vaginal" girls really love penetrated sex. Some lucky ones love both.

 

For clitoral girls who can't get off from penetrated sex the book talked about how frequently they find the experience of penetrated sex uncomfortable or just unfulfilling. A lot of guys have real issues with this. Like your boyfriend is. They take it as a big hit on their manhood - that you seem to love oral but don't really enjoy having sex with them and are just going through the motions. The book actually discussed how a lot of women in this camp not only start "faking" orgasms during sex to make the guy feel better .... but some also even start pretending they don't have orgasms from or enjoy oral sex. Again this was to try and make their guy feel better about penetrated sex so he thinks you enjoy it more. I found that absolutely amazing that a woman would actually go to that length to make her guy feel like he was getting the job done. For me I don't really care "how" I get her off .... as long as she is happy and satisfied and she cares about doing the same for me then we are golden.

 

Basically I don't think what your talking about is completely out of the ordinary. I think there will be other girls in your camp - where vaginal sex just ain't their thing. What you want to do is find a way to make the sex experience great for both of you. That means finding a way to make your partner understand what works for you, turns you on and gets you off. Also you need to understand what works for him and what he needs and be open to that. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want. Also don't fake enjoyment and only do what he wants otherwise you will end up with a ****ty sexual experience. There is a middle ground that can be found if you are both open and honest - you can have lots of fun experimenting and finding out where that is

Edited April 16, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Gary S]

He sounds like a nice guy. In other words, a wimp.

[ManyDissapoint]

My last ex couldn't orgasm from sex, or from anything. Had never had an orgasm. It was very sad. It didn't make me feel inadequate at all, however it was sad because let's face it -- women orgasming is extremely hot and fulfilling.

 

I had an ex who could only get off by grinding on furniture or other objects. That still didn't bother me.

 

You have to accept that people and especially women are well known to be wired differently, especially in terms of sexuality which is heavily influenced by psychology.

[Buddhist]

I don't think you can. He is trying to guilt you into putting on a performance for the sake of himself. Sorry to word it like that but he is. Think about it, nothing he has said has anything to do with you and how you feel. It's all about his own inadequacies and how he feels. It all sounds very passive aggressive and childish to be honest.

 

I love you more than you love me.

 

Kind of thing.

 

I don't blame you for taking offence at what I've just said. Or even ignoring it. It's pretty blunt, but I honestly don't think you can help him. This is about his relationship with himself more than anything else. He feels inadequate and rather than dealing with that he just lumps it on you with guilt trips after sex because you didn't orgasm. Let me guess, he's never asked you how you orgasm has he? It's all about your failure to reach climax from the mere thrusting of his penis. I know you said it's not about his ego, but it really does sound like it is.

[fitnessfan365]

I don't think you can. He is trying to guilt you into putting on a performance for the sake of himself. Sorry to word it like that but he is. Think about it, nothing he has said has anything to do with you and how you feel. It's all about his own inadequacies and how he feels. It all sounds very passive aggressive and childish to be honest.

 

I love you more than you love me.

 

Kind of thing.

 

I don't blame you for taking offence at what I've just said. Or even ignoring it. It's pretty blunt, but I honestly don't think you can help him. This is about his relationship with himself more than anything else. He feels inadequate and rather than dealing with that he just lumps it on you with guilt trips after sex because you didn't orgasm. Let me guess, he's never asked you how you orgasm has he? It's all about your failure to reach climax from the mere thrusting of his penis. I know you said it's not about his ego, but it really does sound like it is.

 

On one hand I agree with this. His obsession with orgasms and not being able to just enjoy sex for the experience would be a turn off for any woman. He is making it all about him. But....

 

She doesn't like to be penetrated..AT ALL. Don't get me wrong. I love going down on a woman and take pride in being told that I "eat p**sy like a lesbian". But I mean realistically, what kind of enjoyable sex life can you have with a woman that wants foreplay only? So do I think she should leave this guy? Yes. He is too ego centric and performance driven. However, any guy she winds up with is going to want her to enjoy his dick inside her. So unless she plans on becoming a lesbian anytime soon, she should take it upon herself to find out why she hates penetration so much and find a solution. That way sex with her won't be one sided, and the guy she's with won't feel like a borderline rapist.

Edited April 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[BlauFrau]

So you love oral, but hate penetration. Your life would be much easier if you were a lesbian. Now I will say that I do think he is too ego driven and performance based. I can understand why his fixation on how many orgasms you have would get old really fast. Insecurity is one of the biggest turn offs there is. After all, a woman can still love to be f**ked without having g-spot orgasms.

 

But what would be rough for any guy is knowing that you genuinely don't like penetration. If you had your way, you'd want foreplay only. So as soon as sex happens, it turns into a one way experience with you going through the motions. It wouldn't be your lack of g-spot orgasms that would bother me. It would be knowing that I was making you physically uncomfortable and basically forcing you to do something you hate. I mean how he's supposed to feel knowing that you don't want his dick inside you?

 

Have you been able to find out why you have such a problem with penetration? Are you extremely tight and penetration causes you pain? Maybe using lube might help.

 

I do like penetration and 10% of the time it feels really really amazing. I love his penis. I just don't get the orgasms from the penis like I do oral. I'm penis obsessed I love giving him blow jobs. Vaginas turn me off so no lesbianism for me.

[BlauFrau]

I don't think you can. He is trying to guilt you into putting on a performance for the sake of himself. Sorry to word it like that but he is. Think about it, nothing he has said has anything to do with you and how you feel. It's all about his own inadequacies and how he feels. It all sounds very passive aggressive and childish to be honest.

 

I love you more than you love me.

 

Kind of thing.

 

I don't blame you for taking offence at what I've just said. Or even ignoring it. It's pretty blunt, but I honestly don't think you can help him. This is about his relationship with himself more than anything else. He feels inadequate and rather than dealing with that he just lumps it on you with guilt trips after sex because you didn't orgasm. Let me guess, he's never asked you how you orgasm has he? It's all about your failure to reach climax from the mere thrusting of his penis. I know you said it's not about his ego, but it really does sound like it is.

 

He only started to care about my orgasm when he fell in love with me. Sometimes he won't let me get him off and just goes down on me instead. He is obsessed with fairness.

[BlauFrau]

I absolutely do love sex I just don't orgasm from it. You guys misinterpreted what I was asking about.

[JohnsonBaby]

News flash A rather high percentage of women don't orgasm during penetration.

Have you tried stimulating your clit during sex ? Try faking from time to time .. .

[fitnessfan365]

I do like penetration and 10% of the time it feels really really amazing. I love his penis. I just don't get the orgasms from the penis like I do oral. I'm penis obsessed I love giving him blow jobs. Vaginas turn me off so no lesbianism for me.

 

As I said before, you basically want a foreplay only sex life since you love giving and receiving oral. But since it only feels amazing to you 10% of the time, you can hardly claim to love it. If you liked penetration, you'd love the feeling every time that it happened.

 

News flash A rather high percentage of women don't orgasm during penetration.

Have you tried stimulating your clit during sex ? Try faking from time to time .. .

 

I know the guy she is currently with is orgasm obsessed. But as she's said, she only truly likes penetration 10% of the time. So regardless of whether or not she has g-spot orgasms, any guy she's with is going to want her to enjoy being F'd on a regular basis. I mean don't get me wrong. Receiving BJ''s is fun, and going down on a woman is even better. But it would be a major drag for any guy to be with a woman that basically wanted foreplay only and hated intercourse on a regular basis.

Edited April 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[JohnsonBaby]

As I said before, you basically want a foreplay only sex life since you love giving and receiving oral. But since it only feels amazing to you 10% of the time, you can hardly claim to love it. If you liked penetration, you'd love the feeling every time that it happened.

 

 

 

I know the guy she is currently with is orgasm obsessed. But as she's said, she only truly likes penetration 10% of the time. So regardless of whether or not she has g-spot orgasms, any guy she's with is going to want her to enjoy being F'd on a regular basis. I mean don't get me wrong. Receiving BJ''s is fun, and going down on a woman is even better. But it would be a major drag for any guy to be with a woman that basically wanted foreplay only and hated intercourse on a regular basis.

 

Yeah I can definetly see that being a major turn off . I thinks she needs to explore her body and get more comfortable with penetration.

With that said,Him putting pressure on her certainly won't help her feeling at ease during sex .

[smackie9]

it's not about obsessing or ego boost, it's about sharing the experience together. He's not experiencing full intimacy, and is not enjoying sex with you like he wants.

 

Telling him it's not important is not going to solve this. It's about discovering your own body so you know how and where to direct him. Get a book on G-spot stimulation and work together on taking your sex life to a new level. If you don't do anything about it, you are going to lose him.

[BlauFrau]

As I said before, you basically want a foreplay only sex life since you love giving and receiving oral. But since it only feels amazing to you 10% of the time, you can hardly claim to love it. If you liked penetration, you'd love the feeling every time that it happened.

 

 

 

I know the guy she is currently with is orgasm obsessed. But as she's said, she only truly likes penetration 10% of the time. So regardless of whether or not she has g-spot orgasms, any guy she's with is going to want her to enjoy being F'd on a regular basis. I mean don't get me wrong. Receiving BJ''s is fun, and going down on a woman is even better. But it would be a major drag for any guy to be with a woman that basically wanted foreplay only and hated intercourse on a regular basis.

 

I am usually the one who initiates intercourse at least half the time. We f**k a lot. I'd have sex everyday three times a day if I could we are in a long dist relationship at the moment (different Universities). When my bf and i are together we have sex about 3 times plus a day for a two week to a month period 10% is still basically atleast 3 times a week that it is amazing for me.

 

I love doggy style and anything from behind because it is the most pleasurable. I also like girl on top.

 

He is basically upset I think because I don't get pleasure out of missionary and he wants to look in my eyes and kiss and be romantic and such. Missionary position is the only sex I don't care much for. I like the kissing and touching but I don't want the whole sack session to be missionary it doesn't hit my g-spot. I'm thinking about getting a we vibe to spice missionary up.

 

I still get a kick out of it even if I don't get an orgasm from it. The 10% I'm talking about are the times I g-spot orgasm. I want sex more often than any woman he's been with. I've explored myself plenty we have a dildo etc. He is just expecting something that is unrealistic really. Sex can't be perfect every time. He thinks he has to make it perfect for me because I make it perfect for him every time. He doesn't understand I can get other types of pleasure besides orgasms out of sex. I love riding and looking down and watching his pleasure or finishing him with a bj and watching his face. Our sex is really intimate and wonderful until he over thinks it and gets obsessed with fairness.

 

He wronged be once (cheated before we had started having sex. I was a virgin when we met) he thinks orgasms are the only way to make it up to me.

Edited April 17, 2015 by BlauFrau

[lucy_in_disguise]

Wow... sounds exhausting.

 

Does he realize many women dont get off from penetration alone? His expectations are unreasonable and his approach on this issue (being upset and feeling inadequate) puts the burden on you to find a "solution".

 

And hes already cheated on you? Probably not the advice you are looking for but I say you bounce. This guy sounds immature and selfish and will do a number on yoir self esteem if you stay with him.

 

My first long-erm relationship in college was with a guy similar to this and I am still dealing with the poor emotonal habits i developed as a result. I think its important to have positive experiences in the early years of dating. You dont want to start adulthood with a ton of emotional baggage.

[Buddhist]

Well if he's that unadventurous to want missionary all the time, possibly the most boring and unenjoyable position for a woman ever, (It was invented by religious types for a reason, they didn't want anyone enjoying sex and that position pretty much guarantees no O), and he's not willing to change it up then what can you do with him? He's basically just saying he wants you to orgasm but isn't the least bit interested in helping you achieve that.

 

I've never met a guy who truly prefers missionary, hope I never do. Just saying.

[JohnsonBaby]

Well if he's that unadventurous to want missionary all the time, possibly the most boring and unenjoyable position for a woman ever, (It was invented by religious types for a reason, they didn't want anyone enjoying sex and that position pretty much guarantees no O), and he's not willing to change it up then what can you do with him? He's basically just saying he wants you to orgasm but isn't the least bit interested in helping you achieve that.

 

I've never met a guy who truly prefers missionary, hope I never do. Just saying.

 

That's not true . Personally I enjoy missionary alot and can reach orgasm from it,I guess it depends on the "performance " lol. For instance depending on the ehm. .".man"..I tend to find being on top less enjoyable .

Edited April 17, 2015 by JohnsonBaby

[BlauFrau]

Wow... sounds exhausting.

 

Does he realize many women dont get off from penetration alone? His expectations are unreasonable and his approach on this issue (being upset and feeling inadequate) puts the burden on you to find a "solution".

 

And hes already cheated on you? Probably not the advice you are looking for but I say you bounce. This guy sounds immature and selfish and will do a number on yoir self esteem if you stay with him.

 

My first long-erm relationship in college was with a guy similar to this and I am still dealing with the poor emotonal habits i developed as a result. I think its important to have positive experiences in the early years of dating. You dont want to start adulthood with a ton of emotional baggage.

 

Not exhausting really for me I initiate most of it I wear him out pretty well though. The problem is he is pretty much a model boyfriend besides this. He is sweet and caring. He also spends a lot of money on me and a lot of time. We have a really close relationship. the cheating was in the very beginning of our relationship before he really knew me extremely well and before he fell in love with me. We've been together almost 2 years since it happened. I think punishing himself about not pleasing me is really him just punishing himself about the cheating. I think he feels like he failed me. He says he feels like he only fails me and doesn't think it is fair that he should get more pleasure and more intense pleasure from sex when his goal in sex is to make me happy. He is caught up on missionary because he associates it with "love making". He did cheat on me yes but he really wasn't that relationship or sex experienced when we met. After he did it he sulked around being sadly for a few weeks and then confessed. He claims part of the reason he cheated was because I was a virgin and he was nervous and wanted practice because he wanted sex with me to be perfect. Of course my first time wasn't too great, it hurt even though he was super gentle. I didn't complain but he cried because he could tell it hurt me . He is extremely sensitive to my feelings.

Edited April 17, 2015 by BlauFrau

[katiegrl]

>>"He is basically upset because I don't get pleasure out of missionary and he wants to look into my eyes and kiss and be romantic and such. Missionary is the only position I don't care for much."<<

------

 

I adore missionary (sometimes) for that very reason! Precisely *because* it is the only position where we can look into each other's eyes and kiss while f**king our asses off.

 

As I said in an earlier post, missionary is incredibly *intimate* and it is that *intimacy* that he is missing, and apparently needing.

 

Not ALL the time obviously, but can you switch it up once in awhile forfeiting the orgasm in exchange for experiencing some true intimacy with your partner? Or are you uncomfortable with that type of intimacy, as it does cause one to feel quite vulnerable... emotionally.

 

Try this -- Have him lift your legs up high so your ankles are ultimately resting on his shoulders....while he slams his throbbing pen*s inside you ---- wowza!! You will love it!

 

Sex with your partner is NOT just about the orgasm ... unless you are FBs or FWBS. Is that what you are?