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whom to choose family or boyfriend


priyasharma

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priyasharma

hi.. am 22yrz old girl currently studying in mumbai belongs from a small town in rajasthan. i am in a dilemma ..m in a relationship wid my bd from past 4 yrz ..we both luv each other and wants to get married. he is 6years elder than me dark in complexion and belongs from another caste..his family know about us and they dont have any objection the problem is few months back i told my family about him ..they just stopped talking to me for a month and afterwards told me am not mature dis is not my age to geg married . i told them to meet my bf once ..my bro went to meet him n he insulted him a lot..dat tym also my bf remain calm and told him that he will always keep me hapie..he is financialy also good..and he care for me a lot..but at that time i was going through emotional trauma dat tym i choose my family and told him to move on ..we both were hurt more than me he was bcoz he luvd me truly ..3 monthd have passed since our brkup ..few days before he called me told me he is getting engaged to some other girls whom his family chose..i dint believe at dat tym.but i saw his pic wid her fiancee..am fully broken ..i contactd him and told him dar i still love u how can u move on so easily and get engaged...he told me he cant wait as he is gtng older..i told hin to meet me once ..as he is getting married in june ..he dint promised me but he say dat he will try to come and meet me after my exam ends in may..i told him i wamt him back in my life bcoz i cnt see u wid any other girl..he told me he cant trust me and the situation is complicated bcoz dat girl family is also involved ..i dont know what to do ..i cant live widout him..please help me guys..i luv my dad a lot and i luv my bf also ..what sgould i do now..

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I'm afraid it's over. Your family pretty much decided that for you and you went along with it, to please them, but you see, you are an adult, and I think, even in Mumbai, a person, once an adult, can make their own decisions, pretty much.

His life is now going in a different direction.

His meeting you in May is ridiculous, because by then, all the wedding arrangements, plans and details will have all been decided.

 

So you must go no contact and begin living your own life, and seeking better things for yourself.

 

One day you will meet someone ideal for you. and who can make you happy, and who you can make happy.

But for now, you need to stop all contact with him.

 

And think very carefully about when your family gets involved in your business....

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...And it's not a question of YOU choosing between your family or your boyfriend.

That decision has been taken out of your hands, by HIS family and this arranged marriage, which no doubt is already being planned.

 

You can only choose between continuing this futile course, or cutting contact and rebuilding your life.

 

Be cautious in future about familial ties, and do what you can to establish your independence, insofar as is acceptable there.

 

But this relationship, is over.

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awww sweetie I am so sorry for your hurt.

 

It sounds like your ex-boyfriend moved on and he's about to enter his new life. I really think you should let him go. Sometimes truly loving someone is about letting them go and have a better life. If he'd go back with you your family would never accept him and he'd have a life of constantly being put down by them. You really want to give him that kind of life?

 

You are young and strong, you will get over him and meet someone better suited for you, someone accepted by your family and you can have a life where you don't have to pick between your family or your boyfriend.

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The fact that there is a caste system in place complicates things. My answers would be from a Western perspective that doesn't apply to your situation.

 

For your safety it is probably best that you abide by the wishes of both families: Yours who doesn't want you to be with him and his who wants him to marry his new fiancé.

 

 

I am sorry for the pain he is causing you by rejecting your love in favor of an arranged marriage but if you hope to avoid this in the future you are either going to have to be part of a cultural revolution or move to a country that doesn't have a caste system.

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Wow that sucks. I hate meddling and controlling families.

 

They think they have some right to map out their children's lives....usually ruining them in the process.

 

I would only contact your boyfriend if you feel ready to be serious with him despite your family's objections.

 

Just think of your own safety as well...I've seen how crazy some families can get in India when their daughters attempt to make independent decisions, especially pertaining to love, sex and marriage.

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priyasharma

thanx all of u ..but the problem is am not able to let him go...am not even able to concentrate on my exams ..whdnevr i tried contactng him he talks to me in a very rudely manner ..i told him today am ready to run away wid u also ..but he is saying dat m not stupid to run away wid u n if u rly luvd me convince ur dad when i come there and tell them to convince my family ..n if his family get convincd then only he wil marry me..till then i should not contact him ..i know i did stupidity at dat tym but does dat mean he can insult me every day ..m just totally broken and tired of showing being happy

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If he is acting this rudely, he has made a choice & it's not you. You have to abide by his wishes. If it wasn't your families that broke you up, with this harsh attitude it would have been something else. I'm sorry.

 

All you can do now is move on. Do take some time to grieve but hang on to the fact that your future lies elsewhere.

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thanx all of u ..but the problem is am not able to let him go...am not even able to concentrate on my exams ..whdnevr i tried contactng him he talks to me in a very rudely manner ..i told him today am ready to run away wid u also ..but he is saying dat m not stupid to run away wid u n if u rly luvd me convince ur dad when i come there and tell them to convince my family ..n if his family get convincd then only he wil marry me..till then i should not contact him ..i know i did stupidity at dat tym but does dat mean he can insult me every day ..m just totally broken and tired of showing being happy

 

Listen, those very painful feelings will go away. They always do. If your ex-boyfriend is insulting you then end this right now! A man that loves you would not insult you but would support and comfort you. He is not the right man for you!! stop contacting him!! soon he will be forgotten. I know you feel you will hurt forever but you won't, promise!

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priyasharma

thanx donivian and geeta..

whn my family come to know..i told my bf dats letz gv them some time and adter dat we will talk to them again ..n soon after few days my ca final result came out and i got failed ..i never face failure in my whole lyf and dat tym i dnt have my family support i was fully broken some 2~3 days after my result his dad called my ad and told him dat thy both luv ech other and lets unite them..my dad dimt told me anythng i came to know al ds from my bf ..i dnt know what to do i just messaged his dad on whatsapp ki i dont have any reltnship wid him so plz dont make my n my family life more complicated..he is getting married just for his parents sake n he is insulting me bcoz he thinks i ditched him dat time i should have guts to accept him he is pouring out his anger on me but deep inside i know he still luvs me..i know i dont have dat much guts to fight for him n i chose my family my career above him at dat tym he feels like dat ..n i realy want him back in my life..itx so easy to say to move on but his rude behaviour is killing me every day .. and i m really tired of showing ppl dat m happie..i sometym feel lyk killing myself..am i going mad..

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. and i m really tired of showing ppl dat m happie..i sometym feel lyk killing myself..am i going mad..

 

You don't have to be happy right now. You are allowed to be sad for a while & grieve the loss of this relationship. It hurts. Part of healing is experiencing the pain, which sucks but it's true.

 

Please do not kill yourself. No person is worth your life.

 

Do cry. Do wallow for a little while (like a long weekend) but after you give yourself that time to cleanse, keep moving forward. Surround yourself with happy positive people.

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i m not able to let him go ...arent there any way by which i can convince him to come back to me..

 

No you can't make him come back because he already has a new fiance & you shouldn't want him to based on how horribly he's been treating you lately. Somebody who can be that cruel to you is not the love of your life. You miss what you had not what he IS.

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i m not able to let him go ...arent there any way by which i can convince him to come back to me..

 

Yes you are able.

 

You are an intelligent young woman with a bright future in front of her. In the grand picture he means nothing. You will fall in love with someone else and be happy again.

 

No matter how much you want him back, he is not good to you. You will not have a good life with him. If he comes back it will make you feel better for a short time then you will go back at fighting, him putting you down, your family cutting you off of their life, and him resenting you for giving him that kind of life.

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priyasharma
Yes you are able.

 

You are an intelligent young woman with a bright future in front of her. In the grand picture he means nothing. You will fall in love with someone else and be happy again.

 

No matter how much you want him back, he is not good to you. You will not have a good life with him. If he comes back it will make you feel better for a short time then you will go back at fighting, him putting you down, your family cutting you off of their life, and him resenting you for giving him that kind of life.

 

 

he has uploaded his pic wid his fiancee on whats app ..many of my friends(even those who met him) has his number ..now my friends are calling and messaging me everyday dat do u know he got engaged to someone else when i tell dem yes i knw ..they vl be lyk oh v r so sorie v dint want to hurt u..and ask me so many questions that he was do two timings or has an affair wid dat girl already ki in 2 months he got engaged . ..tired of answering all of them ...bcoz i used to praise a lot about him among my frnd circle and now all r saying how he can move on in 2 months ...m realy fed up of all dis stuff ..

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Your friends are trying to be supportive. Let them. Vent to them. They will help you work through this.

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priyasharma, remember, you originally dumped him. So anything you say now will be met with distrust and disbelief.

 

He has moved on.

You have a broken heart, but a broken heart cannot be fixed by the person who broke it.

Only you can do that.

And you have to resign yourself to the sad fact that you can never mend it with him.

He is unreachable.

It is over.

 

Talk to your friends, yes, but ask them to not gossip, or tell you things that can hurt you or stop you healing. Right now, you need support, not deflating.

 

Put all desire of having him back, out of your mind.

it may be what you want, but having what you want, is not the same as getting what you need.

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priyasharma
Your friends are trying to be supportive. Let them. Vent to them. They will help you work through this.

 

i just wanna know whether my ex bf did right by moving on in such a short span of time or not.

n nw a days whenever i tlkd to him n tell him to give a second chance to our relationship ..v vl try and convince my parents ..u just postpone ur marriage..he dont evn try to do dat..atleast he can try and give some excuse and postpone the marriage ..or i was just an option for him ..dats y he isnt even trying ..??

and sorie i know m disturbing u guyz a lot .but i dnt wanna show my frnds or anyone that m nt strong ..so cnt discuss all dis stuff wid dem..

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i just wanna know whether my ex bf did right by moving on in such a short span of time or not.

It's not a question of right or wrong. It's "wrong" in your eyes, but very probably "right" in his. The fact is, with the assistance of his family, that's what he's done.

 

 

n nw a days whenever i tlkd to him n tell him to give a second chance to our relationship ..v vl try and convince my parents ..u just postpone ur marriage..he dont evn try to do dat..atleast he can try and give some excuse and postpone the marriage ..or i was just an option for him ..dats y he isnt even trying ..??

It's because he doesn't want to. If he really wanted to, and wanted you, I'm sure he would betrying as much as you are. But - and I know this is a shock to you - it's possible he actually wants to try more with her, than with you.

 

and sorie i know m disturbing u guyz a lot .but i dnt wanna show my frnds or anyone that m nt strong ..so cnt discuss all dis stuff wid dem..

 

Could you please try to use proper English words? You have a good education, and you speak English very well... but you are missing letters out and honestly, it's not helping. You are using 'text-speak' and it's very difficult to follow on a forum...

 

Thank you...

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