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He left without saying bye


Cheerbabe93

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Cheerbabe93

I am an emotional wrack right now so I will try and keep this short.

Since November 2014 I have been dating this older man (we both had strong feelings for each other) He is a professional basketball player and he told me that once the season was over he would go back home to the States (I live in Europe) Our relationship was going pretty good and I had developed really strong feelings towards him and so did he. As the season started to slowly end he said that he was leaving in April but he didn't want to tell me the exact date because he's been doing it this way for the past few years (he never tells his friends when he is leaving to go back home)

 

When I saw him on the weekend everything was normal and we kinda made plans to go hiking next week. But then this morning I get a text from him saying he's at the airport. At first I thought this was a joke but he told me his flight was departing in 30 minutes and that he didn't want a long sad goodbye.

I honestly was in shock because I didn't expect that at all, I thought I would see him again and I don't think it was fair that I didn't get to say good bye because I wanted to tell him a few things before he left. He said he will miss me a lot and that we will Skype and still talk every day and that I can visit him in the summer.

 

What I don't understand though is how he could just leave without telling me. Sure he told me his reason and I kinda get it especially because I cry easily and it would have turned into the long sad goodbye that he didn't want but I cant help but feel really lost and heartbroken. When I saw him on the weekend I hugged him super quick because I didn't know that that was it and I really cant cope right now. It hurts already to not have him here anymore :(

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Forget about him. If he wasn't decent enough to give you a proper goodbye, he doesn't deserve you. That was a highly inconsiderate thing for him to do, especially if you spent so much time with him.

 

Was this a FWB or something?

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Awe, I'm so sorry, that is a heartbreaker! You still have your friends. family, work, hobbies, and other men to date. Wish I could say more to make it all better.

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Cheerbabe93
Forget about him. If he wasn't decent enough to give you a proper goodbye, he doesn't deserve you. That was a highly inconsiderate thing for him to do, especially if you spent so much time with him.

 

Was this a FWB or something?

 

No I don't want to forget about him, we are dating. It wasn't a FWB thing. There were feelings involved and we both cared for the other person a lot

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No I don't want to forget about him, we are dating. It wasn't a FWB thing. There were feelings involved and we both cared for the other person a lot

 

Well he obviously doesn't care about you enough to say goodbye to you. He's probably hitting his slam piece in the states right about now if you ask me.

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ExpatInItaly
No I don't want to forget about him, we are dating. It wasn't a FWB thing. There were feelings involved and we both cared for the other person a lot

 

OP, I realize you're in pain. But you need to look at reality: he doesn't care that much if he left without so much as a goodbye. He knew when he was leaving and misled you by making tentative plans. That's an incredibly selfish and immature way to conduct oneself. I hope you weren't calling this man your boyfriend. It's evident you were a lot more invested than he was, sweetie.

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No I don't want to forget about him, we are dating. It wasn't a FWB thing. There were feelings involved and we both cared for the other person a lot

 

He didn't have the strong feelings you did. Otherwise he would not have made plans to go hiking with you then boarded a plane before you could hike. The fact that he didn't say goodbye in person makes him somebody I wouldn't care to speak to again. His recent behavior indicates that he's not the nice caring guy you think he his. Reevaluate your situation more objectively without the love you think you feel. You too will come to the conclusion that he's not worthy of your tears.

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Cheerbabe93
OP, I realize you're in pain. But you need to look at reality: he doesn't care that much if he left without so much as a goodbye. He knew when he was leaving and misled you by making tentative plans. That's an incredibly selfish and immature way to conduct oneself. I hope you weren't calling this man your boyfriend. It's evident you were a lot more invested than he was, sweetie.

 

I did call him my boyfriend. I mean you don't know him you cant know his real feelings. He never acted as if I was just "meat" to him

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I did call him my boyfriend. I mean you don't know him you cant know his real feelings. He never acted as if I was just "meat" to him

 

Your first post pretty much tells a different story than what you are saying right here.

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Cheerbabe93
Your first post pretty much tells a different story than what you are saying right here.

 

that was at the beginning when we first met and started dating, that was almost 5 months ago. obviously things change and don't stay the same and things turned out really good for us. until this morning i guess

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Quiet Storm

He has no consideration for your feelings. It's all about him and his comfort level.

 

In a mutual relationship with consideration on both sides, a guy may be uncomfortable with a goodbye, but they would still give you a goodbye. They would tolerate it because he would consider how not having a goodbye would make you feel. Being uncomfortable with goodbyes wouldn't warrant putting you through the sadness and confusion that you're feeling now.

 

For this guy, all he cares about is how HE feels. HE didn't want a long, sad goodbye. He knew you'd be upset over the way he left, but your feelings weren't as important as his desire to leave without saying goodbye.

 

Maybe your feelings for him aren't based on the guy that he actually is, but who you wanted him to be. Think about the character of someone that would do this. He's a conflict avoider, selfish and doesn't seem to have much empathy for the feelings of others. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone like this?

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that was at the beginning when we first met and started dating, that was almost 5 months ago. obviously things change and don't stay the same and things turned out really good for us. until this morning i guess

 

That's my point.

 

He told you he was leaving. He knew he wasn't going to be around long enough and to him, that's probably it. That's the end of the relationship.

 

You still haven't let that sunk in yet. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.

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Cheerbabe93
That's my point.

 

He told you he was leaving. He knew he wasn't going to be around long enough and to him, that's probably it. That's the end of the relationship.

 

You still haven't let that sunk in yet. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.

 

Noo it's not like we broke up. I'm gonna go visit him in summer. We talked about it before and he might come back for the next season to play here again

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Noo it's not like we broke up. I'm gonna go visit him in summer. We talked about it before and he might come back for the next season to play here again

 

You're going to "visit him in the summer".

He "might come back next season".

 

Those are some HUGE ifs for someone who couldn't even be bothered to tell you when he was leaving and on top of that, just TEXTs you that he is at the airport.

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Noo it's not like we broke up. I'm gonna go visit him in summer. We talked about it before and he might come back for the next season to play here again

 

Broke up? There was no relationship. This has been an FWB since day one. Zero commitment. What man that cares for you up and leaves without even a goodbye. One that does not give a damn about you, except for what you can give him -- fun, sex, companionship -- emotional commitment and attachment -- nope.. Use your brain and think. That's why he was able to up and leave so callously.

 

Yes, visit him in the summer for a summer fling. And he'll be back next season to revisit an available source of sex and companionship.

 

You seriously need to wake up from this fantasy you've created in your mind.

Edited by Zahara
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acrosstheuniverse

What a tool. Even though he doesn't like emotional goodbyes he clearly didn't respect your wish to say goodbye in person or he'd have compromised somehow. Making actual plans with you that he knew he wouldn't be keeping was an awful thing to do and shows real deception on his part.

 

Honestly my gut feeling is that he's seeing several women and he doesn't want it to get messy and complicated by having a few girls show up to his flight all at the same time. If he keeps his leaving date a secret he gets to slip away without alll of the drama of saying goodbye, several women wanting his last day to themselves. Toss this one back, accept it for what it was, a bit of fun, and if you think you're at risk of mooning over him for months to come, go no contact so you can heal. You were not in a relationship, partners don't treat one another this poorly.

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I am an emotional wrack right now so I will try and keep this short.

Since November 2014 I have been dating this older man (we both had strong feelings for each other) He is a professional basketball player and he told me that once the season was over he would go back home to the States (I live in Europe) Our relationship was going pretty good and I had developed really strong feelings towards him and so did he. As the season started to slowly end he said that he was leaving in April but he didn't want to tell me the exact date because he's been doing it this way for the past few years (he never tells his friends when he is leaving to go back home)

 

When I saw him on the weekend everything was normal and we kinda made plans to go hiking next week. But then this morning I get a text from him saying he's at the airport. At first I thought this was a joke but he told me his flight was departing in 30 minutes and that he didn't want a long sad goodbye.

I honestly was in shock because I didn't expect that at all, I thought I would see him again and I don't think it was fair that I didn't get to say good bye because I wanted to tell him a few things before he left. He said he will miss me a lot and that we will Skype and still talk every day and that I can visit him in the summer.

 

What I don't understand though is how he could just leave without telling me. Sure he told me his reason and I kinda get it especially because I cry easily and it would have turned into the long sad goodbye that he didn't want but I cant help but feel really lost and heartbroken. When I saw him on the weekend I hugged him super quick because I didn't know that that was it and I really cant cope right now. It hurts already to not have him here anymore :(

 

Sweetie, I'll bet money that he's left many women behind this way in his travels. He's probably kinda like a sailor -- a girl in every port.

 

You knew he would be leaving soon and you allowed yourself to get too invested in the relationship. It's easy to do.

 

I'd let this one go even if he skypes, etc. It will prolong the pain. If he truly cared enough for you, he wouldn't have left the way he did. He's a coward.

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ExpatInItaly
Sweetie, I'll bet money that he's left many women behind this way in his travels. He's probably kinda like a sailor -- a girl in every port.

 

You knew he would be leaving soon and you allowed yourself to get too invested in the relationship. It's easy to do.

 

I'd let this one go even if he skypes, etc. It will prolong the pain. If he truly cared enough for you, he wouldn't have left the way he did. He's a coward.

 

Was just about to say the same. OP, ironically, I also live in Europe and know a few basketball players. While some have girlfriends/partners back home, very few here get seriously involved with anyone. Why? Because they have a lot of options and enjoy the attention. They also know they aren't going to be in one place for a long time, so they tend not to make serious commitments. I think this applies in your situation.

 

Any man who seriously sees a future with you would not dream of leaving the continent with saying good bye in person, or even a phone call, for heaven's sake. This guy couldn't even be bothered to do that. I think he's feeding you lines to avoid hurting you further and also to keep you as an option if he returns. Don't let him treat you this way.

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Cheerbabe93
Was just about to say the same. OP, ironically, I also live in Europe and know a few basketball players. While some have girlfriends/partners back home, very few here get seriously involved with anyone. Why? Because they have a lot of options and enjoy the attention. They also know they aren't going to be in one place for a long time, so they tend not to make serious commitments. I think this applies in your situation.

 

Any man who seriously sees a future with you would not dream of leaving the continent with saying good bye in person, or even a phone call, for heaven's sake. This guy couldn't even be bothered to do that. I think he's feeding you lines to avoid hurting you further and also to keep you as an option if he returns. Don't let him treat you this way.

 

Maybe you're right and he did lie to me about the way he feels. Maybe it's the 16 years age difference I don't know

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ExpatInItaly
Maybe you're right and he did lie to me about the way he feels. Maybe it's the 16 years age difference I don't know

 

It could be. It doesn't matter, when it comes down to it. The point is that he isn't treating you like a girlfriend at all. That should be enough to make you want to pull the plug, but that's essentially what he's already done.

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Cheerbabe93
It could be. It doesn't matter, when it comes down to it. The point is that he isn't treating you like a girlfriend at all. That should be enough to make you want to pull the plug, but that's essentially what he's already done.

 

Wait so you think because of the way he left he's basically done with me and saw it as an easy way out? What about the plans we made for me to go visit him in the summer once I'm on my break?

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Wait so you think because of the way he left he's basically done with me and saw it as an easy way out? What about the plans we made for me to go visit him in the summer once I'm on my break?

 

This guy was never that keen on you.

From day one you were told that on here, he was just using you for sex, but you chose not to believe it and now you are still in fantasyland.

He left without a word and you think you are going to go see him in the summer...

 

Seems you have a short memory too.

Yesterday I was over at my guys house. We had sex and watched a movie after.

The thing that got me upset was that basically during the entire movie he was glued to his phone texting someone and not paying attention to me. Well he did rub my hand every once in a while but still.

After the movie ended he was still on his phone and I was looking at the black tv screen for a good 10-15 minutes until he noticed that the movie ended...

 

I didn't say anything because I didn't wanna cause a fight and I didn't wanna be a needy brat (he hates that)

But he kinda hurt my feelings.

 

Should I tell him? If so how? Cause like I said I don't wanna guilt trip him or cause a fight I just wanna let him know that he did kinda hurt my feelings. Also we don't really talk on the phone so should I text him or wait till I see him again in person?

 

If I text him how should I word it so it won't turn into a bigger thing?

 

Ps. I'm in my early 20s and he's in his late 30s

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Wait so you think because of the way he left he's basically done with me and saw it as an easy way out? What about the plans we made for me to go visit him in the summer once I'm on my break?

 

Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

 

Come back in a month and see how well he does with Skyping and texting and keeping up with you.

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Hi OP,

 

I think they others have been somewhat harsh on you, we see a lot of threads made by abandoned lovers, apologies.

 

One thing I agree with the others on is that he didn't see a future with you, I don't think. He made it quite clear at some point that he was going to leave. Yes it was heartless of him to text you like this from the airport but on the other hand he had been making it clear for a while that this was it. Regardless of summer plans. Most people can't do long distance relationships.

 

Next time you hear that a guy is expressing something that could indicate an end to a relationship, please speak to him and ask very clear questions about the future.

 

Also, Im sure you can see from the threads here, in the US dating is different from how we see it in Europe. He may not have been that committed.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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Cheerbabe93

Guess you guys might be right and I'm just too naive to see it for myself.

I'm about to go to bed and it's past noon for him and I haven't heard from him only yesterday that he made it home. Ugh I should have known that he only saw me as someone to have sex with. I mean honestly what was I thinking? It's not like we had anything in common anyways but I guess that's pretty normal when you're 22 and 38. Ha and I thought this could actually work out. Silly me

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