Too many female friends... too many acquaintances... it's TOO MUCH!!

[squatsNpeanutbutter]

I'm a little heated at the moment because I've unfortunately let this brew with me today and now I am honestly really upset.

 

My boyfriend of 2 years is very talkative and always meets people and etc. He works in production and nightclubs so he is around all types of people. I understand he has to have that type of personality for his careers but it's leading to too much and making me feel very uncomfortable at times.

 

He has a ton of female friends.. and even more acquaintances. Many of his these people he is very close with. He gives them hours of advice, long convos and he seems to always be there when they need him, a shoulder to cry or lean on. I guess he is like a brother to some, a teddy bear to others or the boyfriend they don’t have. (it's not like he's a super good looking guy and all thses women are floaking after him... he is more like that "good guy" because he's always there..." His Facebook page is full of "I miss you" "where are you?" "are you coming by to see me" "we need our chats" "call me/text me" and I’m the girlfriend sitting there seeing all this like “what in the actual fck?â€

 

How am I supposed to feel when I see all of this? I know there are genuine platonic friendships but I find it hard to believe all opposite sex friendships are that way. When I first was confronted with all this early in our relationship... my curiosity got the best of me and I unfortunately creeped some of his older facebook posts. A lot of these so called "friends" did not sound like friends if you know what I mean. Even typing this now I know how immature this all sounds because Facebook really? he’s 34 and I'm 27. But these are the people he knows …so who knows what's even on his phone. I love him, parts of me love him so much but when I question my trust how can this be real love? How am I suppose to feel happy or secure in our relationship when there's all this added ****

 

About 2-3 months into our relationship I told him (the above) really bothered me. He didn't really understand it and he blamed it on him being single for 6-7 years prior to me and forgetting how it was to be in a relationship. At this time he would meet "these" friends after work or at their work and they would have long "heart to hearts" conversations, they would go out togetherand he would even go to their house to watch movies. He has stopped all that. I should also add, the only time I notice he stops hanging out or heavily talking with a friend is when the girl’s boyfriend thinks it’s a little too close. This has happened in the past and the girls’s boyfriend came to his house and tried to fight him… ridiculous. Yet he’s with me and this all continues on.

 

Eventhough it’s not as bad as it once was a lot the same issues are still there... I don't have all this extra "attention" or possible drama floating around me. I'm not saying I don't think a guy can have genuine female friends but this feels like something totally different. Almost like he thrives off of this... their attention, their need for needing him and etc

 

He treats me well outside of this, he shows me love and tells me loves me all the time but all of this is always there... always in the back of my mind. It's a huge turn off, a red flag and completely unnecessary for me to have to stress over this stuff.

 

I find myself getting very upset when I see things and I even find myself creeping his older Facebook stuff and allowing myself to get even more upset. This feels like a very unhealthy relationship.

 

Right now i feel like telling him to jump off a bridge and get out of my life.

 

What would you do if you were in my stupid shoes?

[d0nnivain]

If you can't handle it, you can't handle it so you need to remove yourself from the situation because he's not going to change nor should it.

 

 

However if you love him, you need to recognize that he picked you. He could have dated any of those other women but he didn't. He picked you. Have faith in that.

 

 

If you can't, walk away.

[Hopeful30]

Well to be honest I wouldn't have stuck around this long knowing this thing bothers me. You said a few months in you knew and expressed it, yet two years have passed and it's still an issue.

 

I just think you made a poor choice by sticking with a man whose circumstances/social status never suited what you were looking for in the first place. You ignored a "red flag" as you mention it is, and it seems that it truly bothers you and yet...you still stayed with this man...for two years.

[h0000]

As long as he treats you well, will always choose you over other girl(s) when you both need him and you trust him..I actually wouldn't worry about how other girls behave around him.

You are saying not all of them sounds like platonic friendships, do you mean you think he is up for something with them? If that's not the issue, well like I said there is nothing to get upset about.

[lop98]

What would I do?, honestly I would leave the relationship. Nothing against him and call it immature but I know myself and it would be a daily source of drama, exhaustion, suspense, paranoia, I just couldn't and you get to a point in life where you have to love yourself more.

 

I've been "spoiled" in the fact that my last two long-term relationships (I'm in my 20s and so were my partners) were with that small minority of people that refuse to be on facebook and are not crazy about social media, compared to them I would even feel guilty being caught taking a selfie. The only time I ended up with someone that loved social media (in between them and very brief) he was crazy about instagram and it literally made my life a nightmare to see the kind of things he would post and the way girls flirted with him... way after the relationship ended, I was still addicted to checking up on him. It was miserable. I don't have anything against people loving social media and if they get a lot of love from facebook and enjoy it, more power to them, but it's a bit like smoking (except worse), it's a real deal breaker for me and I don't blame anyone for second-guessing the relationship as a result.

[Pinkdisney]

You've been dating for 2 years, he knows you're not happy with how much time he devotes to his opposite sex friendships, yet you don't sit him down and have the heart to heart. Let him know your ready to take things to the next level without him focusing his time/energy on new female relationships.

 

Where there is smoke there is often fire. Not sure I'd be sticking around after random men are telling my bf to stay away from their girlfriend, like thats sort of a bad sign.

[CarrieT]

This feels like a very unhealthy relationship.

I believe YOU are making it unhealthy with your snooping and insecurity.

 

Right now i feel like telling him to jump off a bridge and get out of my life.

Why don't you just politely break up with him since you can't handle his lifestyle and personality?

 

What would you do if you were in my stupid shoes?

Move on; it is obvious you are not able to be with someone who can have platonic relationships. Some people can, some people can't. You are the latter and need to rectify the situation.

 

Break up with him.

[Maleficent]

I believe YOU are making it unhealthy with your snooping and insecurity.

 

 

Why don't you just politely break up with him since you can't handle his lifestyle and personality?

 

 

Move on; it is obvious you are not able to be with someone who can have platonic relationships. Some people can, some people can't. You are the latter and need to rectify the situation.

 

Break up with him.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

He is talkative, probably extroverted, and has a career that requires him to be friendly with people.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but what did you expect when you got involved with that guy?

[Gary S]

Well, on the one hand, he's a popular guy with the ladies, but you are the only lady who caught him Make sure you are not going overboard with this and becoming a bad girl. Mature men with integrity who love you won't cheat.

 

But yes, enough is enough... if he's got "emotional girlfriends", that's not right. It's okay to go on double-dates, but hanging out one-on-one with these ladies in what looks like a date is a no-no. Relationships take work, he's not supposed to do that. Watching movies with ladies and having jealous husbands chasing him is just ridiculous.

 

I suppose you could talk to him about it again, but I'm sure you've been there, done that. How about some reverse psychology, some tough love? I would drum up some emotional guy friends of your own. Maybe when the shoe is on the other foot, he'll see the light. For best results, it has to be their own idea to change.

 

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

[Toodaloo]

Personally I would shrug my shoulders and think well I must be pretty damn special if he could have his pick from all these women and he chose me...

 

But then I am not you.

 

If you can't handle it - walk away. Something tells me though that this very thing is the very same thing that attracted you to him.

 

Do you want him to take away the thing that makes you attracted to him and become unattractive?

 

Go out with your friends. Make sure you maintain your own life...

[Diezel]

You're right, it's unnecessary. Break up with him and find someone else who isn't like this. Problem solved.

 

But, why haven't you? After 2 years, you knew he was like this. Were you hoping he was going to change at some point? Settle down? This is who he is, this is what he does.

[elaine567]

He is who he is, or would you rather have him unhappy and caged at home whilst you feel better.

He seems to have carved out a niche for himself in life, and it will be partly work ie networking and keeping everyone happy, and partly fun for himself. He obviously thrives off all the attention, and I am sure it is a huge confidence boost. It is "celebrity" albeit in a small way.

I do not know him, I do not know if those relationships are purely platonic or he is like a bee taking nectar where he can. I am sure IF you knew for certain one way or another you would be happier, but no-one can wave that magic wand.

I doubt you can change his ways but I do think he would be very unhappy if you did manage to do that.

YOU either learn to trust and calm down, or you walk.

[Justanaverageguy]

Agree with others - if these are just plutonic friendships then its really down to you what you can accept and whether you and he "fit" or "work" together. You have to complement each others personalities for it to work. Sometimes you can love someone one but it is just not enough. If his behavior and personality makes you unhappy then it is never going to last. You can't change him.

 

In saying that the fact you said he has previously had other girls boyfriends coming to his house trying to fight him is not a good sign. That makes it sound like perhaps there is actually more to this then just "friendship".

[loveweary11]

How did you meet him?

 

Obviously, you knew this when you first got together. You can't change people. Either accept it or move on.

[kendahke]

I'd recognize that he and I have completely incompatible views on what constitutes a friend and instead of wasting my time trying to change him or play his mother, it'd be best that I exit the girlfriend role and find another guy who doesn't need all of this attention from others.

 

There's nothing any of us can say that will make him change who he is to accommodate you. You either accept him as he is and be content and quiet with what you have or you reject him and bounce. Those are really your only two choices in the matter.

 

He was like this long before you came on the scene and he's not likely to change unless he's had some real, deep epiphany about how he is proceeding.

[Pinkdisney]

I agree with all of this.

 

He is talkative, probably extroverted, and has a career that requires him to be friendly with people.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but what did you expect when you got involved with that guy?

 

But these are new friendships, with women, and he is giving them emotional comfort and going to their homes to watch movies with them?? These are dates where I come from....!

[smackie9]

This is who he is....so since this doesn't sit well with you, then your solution is to find someone who isn't like this, simple as that. Breakup with him.

[kendahke]

But these are new friendships, with women, and he is giving them emotional comfort and going to their homes to watch movies with them?? These are dates where I come from....!

 

Doesn't matter. So they're dates...

 

It's who he is and has always been and from the initial post, it doesn't appear that he is in any way inclined to change up his tack for OP. If he was of the mind to change, that would have happened by now and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

He's not a renovation project. Cut your losses and find someone else. It will get more unhealthy to you the further into this you choose to venture.

[lop98]

lol if you read the story again switching genders, we'd get completely different comments. This guy was even ridiculed in front of his gf for having no boundaries and being too hungry for female attention (typical party promoter..). If it was a girl, no way it would be 'she is who she is! she's popular with the gentlemen!', it would be more on the lines of 'man she's cheating on you or is close to cheating on you, dump her a*s'.

 

Anyway, I'd let him go...

[smackie9]

But these are new friendships, with women, and he is giving them emotional comfort and going to their homes to watch movies with them?? These are dates where I come from....!

 

 

If the OP posted this at the beginning yes there would be "He's probably cheating" "He's being a rat bastard/man whore"......doesn't matter tho the opinion is still the same regardless of gender, we all suggested for her to breakup with him

[smackie9]

This is a typical tactic, with the OP leaving out crucial information that would deter any advice to breakup. They just hope there is different answer from just "dump him."

[kayla73]

After reading your story, I don't really think he is cheating on you.

 

His personality and lifestyle simply does not match up with yours.

 

Unfortunately, the paranoia will not go away unless you end the relationship. It doesn't seem as though his ways are going to change; that's his career.

 

Don't let others tell you that you are wrong for feeling this way, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend is wrong in his actions either. I'm sure several women, including myself, would feel a little intimidated by all of these friendships. Going to their houses and watching movies all the time probably wouldn't fly with me either. Find someone who has the same views as you do about opposite sex relationships outside of work.

[Maleficent]

But these are new friendships, with women, and he is giving them emotional comfort and going to their homes to watch movies with them?? These are dates where I come from....!

 

From what OP is saying, there is no real romantic interest between her boyfriend and these friends. That is a the line between 'going out on a date' and 'hanging out with friends. The fact some of these friends are female is irrelevant. Last time I checked, making new friends is not a relationship no-no.

 

My point is she knew he was like this from the start. He's probably this super friendly kind of guy who makes friends easily and likes to hang out with them.

 

OP also never talked to him about how uncomfortable this made her - he's probably not a mind reader so he assumed she was ok with it and kept acting how he always acted.

 

Again, I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm guessing she assumed he would 'settle down' or become more 'homy' once the relationship becomes serious and that didn't happen. Now she's a in a sticky situation because she couldn't communicate with her partner.

[Maleficent]

If the OP posted this at the beginning yes there would be "He's probably cheating" "He's being a rat bastard/man whore"......doesn't matter tho the opinion is still the same regardless of gender, we all suggested for her to breakup with him

 

There could be more to it, but I doubt it.

 

OP would probably be more comfortable with an introverted type of guy - who likes to hang out at home - with her - instead of an outgoing, extroverted type.

 

The boyfriend probably did nothing wrong here (unless we are missing a part of the story...)

[Paterlany]

My boy works in an industry where he works and meets with many attractive girls. We have known each other for over 5 years, been together for almost 2. I know he is mine and trust him completely. If you cant do this op then you should leave the relationship.