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Emotional Brick Wall....What?!


walkingonair

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walkingonair

Guy i'm dating says he can't truly get into the relationship b/c he's an emotional brick wall. We've been dating for 8 months and still no commitment.He did have a bad breakup 3 years ago.And he grew up with his mom giving him no attention at all.What did he mean by the emotional brick wall thing?

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For whatever reason he's not interested in an exclusive relationship with you. He's most likely not feeling it and is hanging around for the sex and companionship. The bad breakup and childhood are pathetic excuses from him that mean nothing. Next

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walkingonair
For whatever reason he's not interested in an exclusive relationship with you. He's most likely not feeling it and is hanging around for the sex and companionship. The bad breakup and childhood are pathetic excuses from him that mean nothing. Next

 

The thing is he never told me this.I saw a post he wrote on a forum that he doesn't know i read.

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DoesntGetIt

emotional brick wall - emotions bounce off him instead of getting inside of him.

 

 

Odds are he won't be there for you in the way you'll want him to be. I was that guy at one point (not because of any life issues, just because I tend to have a severe lack of emotions) and I can tell you that it isn't a good thing for you. It means he can walk away at any point without it mattering to him, and likely won't ever put you first.

 

 

When I was in that state I basically dated as many women as I could at the same time and was constantly searching for sex without the hassle of all the emotional baggage.

 

 

8 months and not committed to what? An exclusive relationship? If not, and that is what you want, it is all the more reason to walk away.

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walkingonair
emotional brick wall - emotions bounce off him instead of getting inside of him.

 

 

Odds are he won't be there for you in the way you'll want him to be. I was that guy at one point (not because of any life issues, just because I tend to have a severe lack of emotions) and I can tell you that it isn't a good thing for you. It means he can walk away at any point without it mattering to him, and likely won't ever put you first.

 

 

When I was in that state I basically dated as many women as I could at the same time and was constantly searching for sex without the hassle of all the emotional baggage.

 

 

8 months and not committed to what? An exclusive relationship? If not, and that is what you want, it is all the more reason to walk away.

 

Thank you so much for your answer!So you never developed feelings for any of the women you've dated?

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DoesntGetIt
Thank you so much for your answer!So you never developed feelings for any of the women you've dated?

 

Going down a dark road with that question.

 

 

Typically no, I haven't. I had them for a bit with my ex, but then it was back to just a friend/roommate feeling. I stuck it out for a long time with her just because I assumed I wasn't capable of having loving feelings over a long time for someone, but in the end came clean about it as I felt trapped and that a major part of my life was missing.

 

 

We are finishing up our divorce now for that very reason, and even tried counselling to no avail. Although we were together for almost 13 years with no cheating of any kind, so despite my emotional inadequacies, I can be loyal and faithful.

 

 

I'm out dating again, looking to find someone where I both feel those feelings, and have feelings persist after the initial infatuation wears off.

 

 

I do in general feel more things than I did in my younger years, so I suspect/hope I will be able to truly love someone now.

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ExpatInItaly

You need to tell him you saw this post. He isn't boyfriend material and I think you're wasting your time. He won't be able to give you what you want. At least you know the truth now.

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He means he has no intention of having a relationship with you. The tidbits about his break up and mother issues are just there to garner attention and sympathy. It's an excuse for not participating in a relationship and instead just using people for sex.

Edited by Buddhist
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  • 1 month later...
Dating a guy who wrote this on a forum about me(he doesn't know that i saw his post i just know his username and came across it):

 

 

"Dating a beautiful wonerful sweet woman,problem is i'm an emotional brick wall and cant truly get into the relationship,it sucks,hurts me everyday."

 

 

 

 

What does he mean by all of this?

 

You already have a thread going about this...

 

In any event, between this and your previous thread, although he thinks you are sweet and wonderful, he's not attracted to you enough to be in a relationship with you.

 

Sorry.

Edited by katiegrl
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La.Primavera

It means that although he can see you have great qualities he doesn't feel emotionally invested in the relationship. He would like to care but he just doesn't. It hurts him everyday because he knows that he is using you.

 

Typically people who feel this way will wait till they meet someone else they like better and drop the other person like a sack of potatoes.

 

He is being very selfish stringing you along like this. If you held yourself to a high standard you would expect more than being a backup and wouldn't waste another second of your time on this guy. You would dump him and find a man that actually cared.

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He's emotionally unavailable for you.

 

He not invested emotionally.

 

Is that important to you?

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Some men try to say this to con you so that they can use you for sex and cuddles and company.

 

My ex SWORE to me that HE had an emotional brick wall up from falling fully.

I later talked to his brother after the break up. He did get his children's when from him and he has fought tooth and nail for them in the courts.

 

He purportedly was unable to give me what I needed because he claimed to be " too destroyed ". Due to his exes and the fact two of them have taken his kids away. His brother even even verified that it was not hs fault, that his exes were evil.

 

Guess what? It was cos he wasn't that into me. Even though he SWORE that he fell hard for me, that he WAS into me, that he was

SMITTEN with me, and that IT WAS HIM NOT ME:lmao:

 

He still uses his friends phones to text me and say " I was so into you, I love you, and please know it was me and my issues that stopped things it wasn't because I wasnt into u leigh "

 

It's just bullcrap trust me.

 

Most men just aren't that into you when they utter such nonsense.

 

My dad nearly died and while he was in hospital, I made time to text the guy I was super into; all be it not much...

 

There IS no emotional brick wall when a man is truly smitten.

 

There is probably a VERY rare cross section of society that are genuinely NOT emotionally ready to fully invest and fall for a woman.

 

Your guy is prob like the VAST majority of men who SAY they have so sort of " emotional problem " that hampers their ability to invest in you:lmao:

 

And believe me, some are not even aware that they are essential lying. Self awareness isn't always a given with men and their feelings :lmao:

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Redhead14
Guy i'm dating says he can't truly get into the relationship b/c he's an emotional brick wall. We've been dating for 8 months and still no commitment.He did have a bad breakup 3 years ago.And he grew up with his mom giving him no attention at all.What did he mean by the emotional brick wall thing?

 

He cannot deal with strong emotions and dissociates himself emotionally. He can't allow himself to invest fully in a relationship.

 

You've been dating 8 months and you are just now finding this out? You should have had a conversation early on in the dating scenario to determine whether you two were on the same page in terms of what you both were looking for out of your dating journeys. I promise you he would have told you he didn't want a committed relationship. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, he just can't be the man you need him to be.

 

You've likely had some heads up with this one where your gut was telling you he wasn't all in.

 

If you want a committed relationship, it's time to move on from this one. Sometimes you can "break" through this wall, but it takes a ton of patience and understanding. Not only that, in this case, he's had this wall up for 3 years and likely before that due to dysfunctional relationship with his mother. That wall isn't coming down any time soon. I'd pretty much guess that the reason his last relationship failed was due to this problem as well.

 

Dysfunctional mother/son relationships in childhood causes a number of things related to being able to attach to women. They don't hate them, but they can't develop a meaningful attachment to them. And, if they do, they pull away because they become overwhelmed by the emotions and it's easier to run than face them and accept them.

 

If you get into his history, there is probably as series of short term, unfulfilling relationships. Maybe one long term at best. He knows he can't maintain a "relationship".

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A person who is not in touch with their feelings, is little better than half a person.

 

Don't waste your time on him.

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walkingonair
He cannot deal with strong emotions and dissociates himself emotionally. He can't allow himself to invest fully in a relationship.

 

You've been dating 8 months and you are just now finding this out? You should have had a conversation early on in the dating scenario to determine whether you two were on the same page in terms of what you both were looking for out of your dating journeys. I promise you he would have told you he didn't want a committed relationship. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, he just can't be the man you need him to be.

 

You've likely had some heads up with this one where your gut was telling you he wasn't all in.

 

If you want a committed relationship, it's time to move on from this one. Sometimes you can "break" through this wall, but it takes a ton of patience and understanding. Not only that, in this case, he's had this wall up for 3 years and likely before that due to dysfunctional relationship with his mother. That wall isn't coming down any time soon. I'd pretty much guess that the reason his last relationship failed was due to this problem as well.

 

Dysfunctional mother/son relationships in childhood causes a number of things related to being able to attach to women. They don't hate them, but they can't develop a meaningful attachment to them. And, if they do, they pull away because they become overwhelmed by the emotions and it's easier to run than face them and accept them.

 

If you get into his history, there is probably as series of short term, unfulfilling relationships. Maybe one long term at best. He knows he can't maintain a "relationship".

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your answers guys!

 

 

Redhead,You re right:(He's from family of 9 kids,he told me his mom never made him feel special or loved and their relationshp now is not close.They do talk but it's not that close mother son relationship,just talk on holidays and birthdays.He also did have one long term relationship and after that short term relationships and he told me he usually falls for girls that don't want him or that don't want a relationship.He also told me he will never understand love.We once had an argument and this was the first time he cried (he told me he never cries)and he broke up with me that day too and told me to leave and was mean but then said "sorry i've been a robot for so long it's hard for me to deal with emotions."

 

 

Thanks for your feedback!I'm moving on.It sucks when being in the relationship is more stressful than being out of it.

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Thanks for your answers guys!

 

 

Redhead,You re right:(He's from family of 9 kids,he told me his mom never made him feel special or loved and their relationshp now is not close.They do talk but it's not that close mother son relationship,just talk on holidays and birthdays.He also did have one long term relationship and after that short term relationships and he told me he usually falls for girls that don't want him or that don't want a relationship.He also told me he will never understand love.We once had an argument and this was the first time he cried (he told me he never cries)and he broke up with me that day too and told me to leave and was mean but then said "sorry i've been a robot for so long it's hard for me to deal with emotions."

 

 

Thanks for your feedback!I'm moving on.It sucks when being in the relationship is more stressful than being out of it.

Redhead got it.

 

It's not pretty to watch someone going through this as you have experienced it yourself, he isn't evil and as cynical as the others suggest. However, it is psychologically damaging for you to be around a person like this. You really need to move on. It's not your battle to fight and there are ways to get out of this if he really wants to.

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Redhead14
Redhead got it.

 

It's not pretty to watch someone going through this as you have experienced it yourself, he isn't evil and as cynical as the others suggest. However, it is psychologically damaging for you to be around a person like this. You really need to move on. It's not your battle to fight and there are ways to get out of this if he really wants to.

 

Emilia: This man is emotionally unavailable -- is afraid of and can't handle emotion.

 

Commitmentphobes are different. They are not emotionally unavailable usually. (sometimes they are both). But a commitmentphobe has a fear of losing their freedom for the most part. They don't fear emotions. They are available emotionally and demonstrate that by having healthy relationships with family members, are giving of their time to friends, the community, charities, etc. and otherwise have emotional bonds to other people.

 

They may eventually commit to a woman who does not encroach on their space. Is not needy or clingy and is herself emotionally healthy and needing her space.

 

They are labeled commitment phobes because the women who wanted them couldn't be the "one" for that man. They simply haven't found the right woman for them. If a woman thinks she dating a commitment phobe, she needs to step up to the plate and be a strong, independent, supportive woman who knows his boundaries and hers.

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Thanks for your answers guys!

 

 

Redhead,You re right:(He's from family of 9 kids,he told me his mom never made him feel special or loved and their relationshp now is not close.They do talk but it's not that close mother son relationship,just talk on holidays and birthdays.He also did have one long term relationship and after that short term relationships and he told me he usually falls for girls that don't want him or that don't want a relationship.He also told me he will never understand love.We once had an argument and this was the first time he cried (he told me he never cries)and he broke up with me that day too and told me to leave and was mean but then said "sorry i've been a robot for so long it's hard for me to deal with emotions."

 

 

Thanks for your feedback!I'm moving on.It sucks when being in the relationship is more stressful than being out of it.

 

 

See. He admitted that he HAS fallen for girls.

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Gosh, this sound similar to my STBXH. My therapist said he is emotionally disengaged. In part because he was mostly left to his own devices to "self soothe" as a child, so he learned he should only depend on himself. And the thing is he used to always tell me his mother was never home, always working. In large part, this is why he has no emotions vested in the break down of our marriage. He never cared to discuss things.

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Redhead14
See. He admitted that he HAS fallen for girls.

 

 

He hasn't fallen for girls. He wants and needs a woman at times but he does choose women that don't want him so that he doesn't have to worry about it developing. It takes the pressure off. He can't connect or maintain a relationship so he chooses women that won't do that with him.

 

He happened to have found one who did want more with him. And, he didn't choose her because of that, he chose her because he really doesn't care whether or not the woman will be invested in him. He doesn't have empathy either. He will take her down the road as far as she will go.

Edited by Redhead14
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walkingonair
He hasn't fallen for girls. He wants and needs a woman at times but he does choose women that don't want him so that he doesn't have to worry about it developing. It takes the pressure off. He can't connect or maintain a relationship so he chooses women that won't do that with him.

 

He happened to have found one who did want more with him. And, he didn't choose her because of that, he chose her because he really doesn't care whether or not the woman will be invested in him. He doesn't have empathy either. He will take her down the road as far as she will go.

 

 

 

Thank you Red!You have helpd me so much!Everything you've said is making sense.This man is very very troubled and has so many issues.Obviously doesnt know how to love or accept love.I know his username on a forum and he answers questions there and once i saw that he wrote that he will never understand love and that he only does short term dating nothing longterm.I think he dated me longer then he expected (10 months).

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  • 2 months later...
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walkingonair

What does it mean when a guy says" I'm dating a wonderful beautiful woman,problem is I'm an emotional brick wall and I can't truly get into the relationship.I wish I wasn't like this,it sucks, hurts me everyday."

 

Is this person afraid of being in a relationship?

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At the very least it sounds like he's afraid to show his emotions. That can affect a relationship a LOT. BIG Red Flag here.

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