Not sure where to go from here...

[SoftViolin]

Hi everyone. I would really appreciate some perspective on my situation.

 

I have been dating a guy for the past five months. We've known each other as friends for a while before we started dating, so all in all I've known him for about 18 months now. As a friend I came to know him as an honest, dependable person and the first two months we were dating things were going so great. We saw each other very often, we were affectionate with each other, it felt so natural, comfortable. I really like him and, in fact, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like this is someone I could really see myself with. He was feeling the same thing, but was pushing for us to move a bit faster than I was comfortable with. He wanted to discuss moving in together and potentially life together, and, even though I felt like this is someone I am falling in love with, we have not been dating for all that long and there is much that we need to learn about each other before we are ready for a serious decision on commitment. I let him know my reservations despite all my feelings for him and suggested we just enjoy spending time together and getting to know each other, for a little while anyway.

 

...And since then, a lot of things changed. He agreed with me that it was the right thing to do, even later tried to convince me that he thought so too and had the same reservations. I noticed he became more reserved and less affectionate. We started arguing, even though we haven't disagreed on anything until then. The arguments would always be about something stupid, but he became very defensive and would react negatively and disagree with seemingly every comment I made. I am not a conflict person, and would try to diffuse the issue, but he just becomes passive aggressive and shuts down. We've talked about this, and I ask him to not be passive aggressive or so defensive, and he is adamant he isn't being either and if he is, he isn't aware of it. He says he really wants to make us work and has strong feelings for me. Everything is fine for a while and the next day we rinse and repeat.

 

And here is the issue that bugs me the most. We actually met at work and work in lateral divisions, though with parallel career paths and were at the same level. I have recently received a promotion, while he is going through a rough patch at work - not performance-related, but he is caught in a tough personality conflict that is affecting his ratings. In any case, he made a couple of snide remarks about my promotion, sort of dismissing the significance, and I started adding up all the comments he has made over the past three months - since I suppose he stopped trying impress me - and realized he's made a number of comments suggesting he is insecure about my professional position. I don't typically need professional validation, so I never paid attention. I am at a pretty good spot career-wise, with opportunities and ambition to go farther. I like what I do and I am good at it. But more importantly, I don't want to feel like I have to hide my successes from my partner. I haven't called him out on this particular behavior, because of how unstable things between us have become in general. But I've been distant and we have been in sort of low contact over the past week. He asked to meet this weekend to talk and I wonder if it is time I let it go. I still like him very much, but I don't know if I can deal with this much insecurity in so many aspects.

 

Sorry this is so long. I think I know what I need to do, just really feeling low about all of it and wanted to talk it out...

[angel.eyes]

Try to see things from his perspective. He's very hurt right now. He's gotten to know you over eighteen months, and he was excited about what he saw. He tried to progress things in the relationship with you and talk about the potential for a more shared future, and you shot him down with, "I don't really know you" and "Let's just see how it goes." We all move at our own speed, but I'm curious, after eighteen months of friendship then dating, what else are you looking to learn about him first before you'll even think about your longer-term potential together?

 

I think the snide comments since are just a reflection of his very hurt feelings and bruised ego at the fact that you seem disinterested in the potential for a more serious relationship with him. Is it ideal? No. But who among us always reacts like a perfect saint when we are deeply hurt?

Edited April 2, 2015 by angel.eyes

[Gary S]

I understand it from the OP's perspective and she is right - he's needy and jealous of her success.

 

The friendship time does not count for much... what counts is they have only been dating for 5 months. That's a little early to be talking about moving in and lifetime goals.

 

Women set the pace for the relationship... they decide if and when it's going to start, and how long it's going to last... men just go along for the ride! As long as she's a nice woman and treats him right, and he dates her regularly, he's a part of her life, they share romance, affection, love, and sex, he should be satisfied with that... most good guys would be very happy.

 

And he should be praising her for her promotion, not being jealous. A boyfriend is supposed to build you up - not tear you down. Too bad he does not have a better attitude. I'm not saying he's a bad dude, but he's not top-notch relationship material.

 

Whether they are married or simply date as little as once a week, or anything in between, a good partner adds more joy to your life than you would have without him. Don't accept anything less.

[Strength in Healing]

Angel eyes nailed it. You knew him for 18 months but didn't know about getting more serious? Lol. If I were him I would've dropped you.

 

As for you Gary, no woman has set the pace in my relationships. That sounds sexist that you think they do or are supposed to. They don't control things. You're supposed to be partners. And if they do, you need to ask yourself why the relationship is one sided.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[katiegrl]

Angel eyes nailed it. You knew him for 18 months but didn't know about getting more serious? Lol. If I were him I would've dropped you.

 

As for you Gary, no woman has set the pace in my relationships. That sounds sexist that you think they do or are supposed to. They don't control things. You're supposed to be partners. And if they do, you need to ask yourself why the relationship is one sided.

 

May I remind you they have ONLY been in a "relationship" for FIVE months?

 

Who cares if they "knew" each other for 20 years prior... what matters is how long they have been involved romantically and exclusively.

 

And five months is WAY too soon to be considering a live in situation...and frankly I think his reaction to her wanting to give it more time is indicative of someone who is needy, insecure and controlling.

 

He needs to relax and chill..it's only been five months! What's the rush?

[Strength in Healing]

5 months to me may not be 5 months to him, or 5 months to you. We have different perceptions.

 

See, me, I personally trust my judgment. Yes, part of that comes from being close to acquiring a doctorate in the human mind, so I can peg people pretty quick. After 1 month I can probably tell you more about you than your own parents could.

 

He may not be close to doctoral level, but none the less, if the dude is a good judge of character, 5 months of "dating" would be more than enough to consider living together in the future. He didn't say "HEY! I was thinking, I want to get a key to your apartment and move my stuff over TODAY. SURPRISE!"

 

But KNOWING someone for 18 months trumps the skewed perception that you really only get to know someone while dating them anyways. How many relationships start as long friendships (I don't advocate this personally, not big on friends of the opposite sex, but the point stands). So... you thinking the dating part is all that matters is asinine. Sounds psychological and like a defense mechanism.

 

This girl probably has commitment issues. Just saying. Harsh or not.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[katiegrl]

5 months to me may not be 5 months to him, or 5 months to you. We have different perceptions.

 

See, me, I personally trust my judgment. Yes, part of that comes from being close to acquiring a doctorate in the human mind, so I can peg people pretty quick, but none the less, after 1 month I can probably tell you more about you than your own parents could. So if this dude is a good judge of character, 5 months of "dating" would be more than enough.

 

But KNOWING someone for 18 months trumps the skewed perception that you really only get to know someone while dating them. Asinine. This girl probably has commitment issues. Just saying. Harsh or not.

 

Totally disagree...KNOWING someone for however many months (in this case 18) does not trump actually "being intimately involved" with that person for only a few months. That line of thinking is actually quite ludicrous...and a recipe for disaster if they choose to move in together or marry.

 

Not to mention...just because HE is ready and thinks only five months is enough time...since when does the female in this equation not have a say in the matter?

 

Or do you think the man should make ALL the decisions and the woman should just willingly follow along... even when doing so makes her uncomfortable and/or she's not ready for that level of commitment just yet?

 

And for the record, if he does believe five months is long enough to KNOW that it's time they move in...he is an anomaly.

 

MOST intelligent, rational, emotionally well-balanced people KNOW that five months of being intimately involved is CLEARLY not enough time.

[Gaeta]

You started dating 5 months ago.

Two of those months were enjoyable.

The past 3 months he's been acting passive-aggressive and dismissive.

 

See, sometimes we are meant to be friends and nothing more. It's not because people are good at being friends that they are good at being boyfriends.

 

Why does he want to move in so fast? No where in there I read you are in love? I suspect he is mainly motivated by the cut in expenses he'll get than living together as a couple.

 

His attitude toward you shows he is not relationship material. When you'll live together you won't always agree on things and if this is the attitude he intends to take each time you don't agree I can't see it being an enjoyable experience.

 

When the bad outweighs the good it's time to quit.

[Strength in Healing]

Totally disagree...KNOWING someone for however many months (in this case 18) does not trump actually "being intimately involved" with that person for only a few months. That line of thinking is actually quite ludicrous...and a recipe for disaster if they choose to move in together or marry.

 

Not to mention...just because HE is ready and thinks only five months is enough time...since when does the female in this equation not have a say in the matter?

 

Or do you think the man should make ALL the decisions and the woman should just willingly follow along... even when doing so makes her uncomfortable and/or she's not ready for that level of commitment just yet?

 

And for the record, if he does believe five months is long enough to KNOW that it's time they move in...he is an anomaly.

 

MOST intelligent, rational, emotionally well-balanced people KNOW that five months of being intimately involved is CLEARLY not enough time.

 

 

 

Once again, I said he DID NOT say he wanted to move in immediately. He said he wants to discuss the situation. You assuming this means he wants to do it asap is an assumption and you know what they say about assume...

 

Stick to the facts given. Emotion, often, is a powerful sword that people wield... against themselves. That's a sword people fall on every day. If you catch the analogy.

 

Do I think men should make all the decisions? Hell no. That would be a wreck. Just as much of a wreck as if the woman could make all the decisions. I'm sure you can think of relationships where the guy is in control, and ones where the girl is in control. Bet you don't think of either highly, just like me.

 

 

 

I find it silly you are all assuming he wanted to move in. I've talked about living together with girlfriends before after 5 months, but never once did I say we should move in together in the next month or something. It was more to get a feel for how they feel, their views, etc.

 

You should ALWAYS gather facts. You speak of rational and intelligent people, well, rational and intelligent doesn't correlate strongly with acting on emotion instead of facts.

 

Critical error assuming as you have.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[angel.eyes]

Women set the pace for the relationship.

 

Ah! All the silly women who anxiously wait around for their boyfriends to propose. I guess they never read the memo on buying their boyfriends engagement rings and getting down on bended knee. Where is Cosmo when you need it?

 

Every couple is different, but most commonly it's the guy who takes the lead and progresses things to the next level. That's certainly been my experience in every relationship I've had.

 

Being told by someone you've been friends with then dated over an eighteen-month period that she really doesn't know you and so can't even consider the potential for a shared future together, would be a bit of a slap in the face for many people. Most guys, heck many women, would walk away at that point.

 

OP, he has very deep feelings for you, so he's having difficulty immediately cutting the cord, but my guess is he's trying to get there because you want different things (discuss moving in together down the road vs. go with the flow). Snide comments are his way of trying to distance himself emotionally from you. He needs to make a break and find someone who is on the same page. He's slowly getting there.

[katiegrl]

Once again, I said he DID NOT say he wanted to move in immediately. He said he wants to discuss the situation. You assuming this means he wants to do it asap is an assumption and you know what they say about assume...

 

Stick to the facts given. Emotion, often, is a powerful sword that people wield... against themselves. That's a sword people fall on every day. If you catch the analogy.

 

Do I think men should make all the decisions? Hell no. That would be a wreck. Just as much of a wreck as if the woman could make all the decisions. I'm sure you can think of relationships where the guy is in control, and ones where the girl is in control. Bet you don't think of either highly, just like me.

 

 

 

I find it silly you are all assuming he wanted to move in. I've talked about living together with girlfriends before after 5 months, but never once did I say we should move in together in the next month or something. It was more to get a feel for how they feel, their views, etc.

 

You should ALWAYS gather facts. You speak of rational and intelligent people, well, rational and intelligent doesn't correlate strongly with acting on emotion instead of facts.

 

Critical error assuming as you have.

 

From the OP's original post:

 

"I really like him and, in fact, for the first time in a very long time, I felt like he was someone I could really see myself with. He was feeling the same thing but was *pushing* for us to move a bit faster than I was comfortable with. He wanted us to discuss moving in together and potentially life together......"

 

-------

 

Last I checked, when one or the other is *pushing* for something to happen (like moving in together), the subject should be *discussed* first. That's just plain common sense.

 

Second, unless someone has been living under a rock and has no clue as to the nuances that occur between two people involved in an intimate relationship... given what the OP said above... I think it's safe to "assume" (or if you are too afraid of looking like an ass) PRESUME...that her boyfriend, is, in fact, ready to move in, wants to move in, and is *pushing* her to move in.

 

Those are the facts....perhaps it's YOU who needs a little brush up on your critical thinking skills... or maybe just learn to utilize some common sense and your ability to perceive things correctly, given the information (facts) presented.

[Strength in Healing]

Lmao I like you katie. You stand up and are willing to argue your point. That is a very good trait, usually. I respect it.

 

What does "pushing" mean to her, though? Does it mean what we think of as pushing? We need more facts, really.

 

Pushing to her could mean he brought it up once or twice, whereas pushing to someone else could mean bringing it up multiple times every day for an extended period of time.

[angel.eyes]

OP, is this a different relationship? In the same office as your previous one?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/492278-working-feap-not-easy

 

...Just trying to get some context to understand better the dynamics of your situation.

Edited April 2, 2015 by angel.eyes

[katiegrl]

Lmao I like you katie. You stand up and are willing to argue your point. That is a very good trait, usually. I respect it.

 

What does "pushing" mean to her, though? Does it mean what we think of as pushing? We need more facts, really.

 

Pushing to her could mean he brought it up once or twice, whereas pushing to someone else could mean bringing it up multiple times every day for an extended period of time.

 

First off..thank you.. ..

 

And second.. not sure that really matters. What matters is that, for whatever reason, she is uncomfortable even discussing it at this point, let alone actually doing it. It's too soon *for her*. Which given it's only been five months (since they've been intimately involved), isn't unreasonable.

 

Her boyfriend needs to respect that....NOT get his knickers all in a knot over.

 

If the situation were flipped and SHE was moving faster than HE was comfortable with...my opinion would be the exact same. Five months is just too soon for that level of commitment for many people. :bunny:

[Strength in Healing]

I think the real issue here is lack of communication. They have poor communication.

 

I for one am looking forward to what they talk about this weekend.

[SoftViolin]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. Let me give some more details to make my perspective clearer. And angel.eyes - this is not the same relationship, it's a new one and this is, in fact, someone I do have strong feelings for.

 

Friendship time in my opinion, I would agree with those of you who said that, serves to get to know a person somewhat, but it's the time you spend together as a couple, where you really get to know a person. So for me, indeed, five months - or two months, when he broached the subject initially, is too soon to talk about moving in and sharing your life with this person. He did indeed want to move in right away, and talked about his strong feelings and seeing a future together. He started discussing life goals such as career paths, number of children. I did let him know of my strong feelings for him as well, but discussed how for me moving in would be too soon at the moment, as we should get to know each other better and let feelings develop.

 

I do try to understand the situation from his perspective, I realize he is hurt, as some of you have pointed out. And I spent the last three months trying to make sure he feels wanted, cared for, to show that I am excited to be with him. And I feel like I've been hitting a brick wall this entire time. I also think that yes, people act out when hurt, but it's the way they act out that does, in fact , let you get to know their character better. So the insecurity and passive aggressiveness is not a good way to go, and he is making me feel bad with this behavior. As others of you have said, a partner needs to add joy, build the other person up, not other way around. And it should be, in my opinion, irrespective of whether you are currently fighting or not.

 

It's not a commitment fear on my end, just wariness of taking a rash step when you are still in getting-to-know each other phase - which yes, two or 5 months in, I still am. And after seeing such response, my concern is not reduced unfortunately...

[Strength in Healing]

So for me, indeed, five months - or two months, when he broached the subject initially, is too soon to talk about moving in and sharing your life with this person. He did indeed want to move in right away, and talked about his strong feelings and seeing a future together.

 

Ah, this would have been immensely helpful earlier lol. These facts being presented change things.

 

Let me change the course then. What's his relationship with his family and parents like? How old is he again?

[SoftViolin]

He is in the mid-30s. Sounds like a close relationship between him and both parents, though not a very happy marriage. He is the only child, relationship with extended family is pretty distant. His family are also not big or good communicators.

[angel.eyes]

Okay, I made the assumption that he was suggesting maybe moving in down the road....like in a year or something. Moving in together two months into dating would be too much, too soon for me too! However, realizing that people go out on a limb when they ask to progress things and will feel crushed when the person says "no," I would have reassured him that it's something that I would definitely want as the relationship progressed, just not right now...then provide a concrete timeline to revisit the question...six months from now, or whenever makes sense for you.

 

Have you conveyed the thoughts in post#16 to him? If you have verbally, then try writing him a letter.

 

I don't think he's being mean on purpose. I truly believe he's just incredibly hurt and disappointed. I think he also needs reassurance that he's not "wasting" his time in this relationship and that his feelings are reciprocated.

 

Explain to him that you just have different styles. You're both planning to swim in the pool, but he's diving in without checking the depth, and you're stepping in one toe at a time to assess the temperature, the depth, etc. You'll both end up swimming together, you're both just getting to the same spot a little differently.

 

Then I would explain how destructive his behavior over the past three months has been. That while you love him dearly and have tried to be understanding, his snide and sarcastic comments are slowly chipping away at your feelings for him, and are making you question whether in fact you do know him. He's needs to understand that his current behavior could destroy the relationship.

[SoftViolin]

So that's exactly part of my disappointment here - I have conveyed exactly that, multiple times, in various forms - that while we are moving at different speeds, our feeling are mutual. I feel just as strongly about him. I am excited about a possibility of a future with him and that would definitely be something we'd talking about going forward. I have also conveyed that his behavior is upsetting to me and hurting our relationship.

 

All of these are always seemingly productive conversations, where we are on the same page and he understands where I am coming from and agrees....and this last a day or two, and we are back in the usual routine. I am just physically and emotionally tired, and part of me thinks that it is not how it should feel five months into a relationship, especially a relationship that has potential to be long-term. And there's a limit that I am not willing to cross - no matter how much he is hurt, he should see the situation from my point of view too. A relationship is a compromise and a two way street. Not feeling like I am being met in the middle at all...

[angel.eyes]

So, you've had the discussion multiple times, he's getting it, but then carrying on anyway after a brief reprieve? I'm going to have to agree with Gaeta then. Sometimes things don't work out, and you have to walk away. Two good months followed by three bad ones of passive-aggressive crap? No one chooses that. He's very immature! Either he gets what he wants, no matter how unreasonable, or if he doesn't the relationship is miserable until he does? Who needs that in their life?

 

It's an unhealthy dynamic! The next time he belittles you or your accomplishments, I would stop and say, "Sorry, I'm just not doing this anymore. Our interactions are too dysfunctional, and that's not what I need or want in my future. We need to go our separate ways."

 

It's time to break up.

[SoftViolin]

Thanks everyone for the comments again.

 

We ended it last night. Had a very long and hard conversation. Feel spent and a little broken, but I'll heal. It was for the best, I do believe that.