Tackling passive aggressive behavior?

[CoolBurn]

My boyfriend has been really cranky lately and it's really starting to get on my nerves. This week alone we've had three fights that basically lead nowhere and just keep lingering on because he won't let go, and that keeps causing arguments. For example, two or three days ago I stated my dislike for a certain comment he said to one of my friends that could be certainly misinterpreted by the whole online community. He, instead of apologizing (this is the third time this has happened concerning said friend) just shut down on me and ignored me for the rest of the night. The next day he calls like nothing is wrong and okay, I go along with it. Today, something else bothered me and he completely blew up on me with a "sorry for being busy aka having a life" remark. And I am so over this behavior, he assumes I will always be the one that's available whenever he is and will forgive whenever he wants to (according to him I probably don't even have to forgive him because he's never wrong) and adding to that he always says I'm the stubborn one that never admits to being wrong.

Concerning the girl drama, I have made a previous post about the same girl calling my boyfriend out at 11pm, and seeing they are mere acquaintances and she has a bit of a reputation, he is supposed to avoid putting himself in situations that annoy me, but no, this is his third time doing something that involves that same person.

Please help, I am at my wits end.

[barcode88]

I dunno, I get this vibe that you're being over-controlling towards him and he's just blowing you off.

[CoolBurn]

I dunno, I get this vibe that you're being over-controlling towards him and he's just blowing you off.

 

If 'controlling' means two people with mutual respect and understanding for each other's wants and needs then yes, I would gladly be called controlling. I am not in a relationship with a mime, if he feels I'm controlling I'm expecting to be told not thrown shade at.

Edited April 1, 2015 by CoolBurn

[barcode88]

If 'controlling' means two people with mutual respect and understanding for each other's wants and needs then yes, I would gladly be called controlling. I am not in a relationship with a mime, if he feels I'm controlled I'm expecting to be told not thrown shade at.

 

Well you're being very vague about what he did that upset you. You never told us what the comment was, or the 2nd thing that annoyed you was.

 

Yes, he's being immature by not talking to you, but it might be due to something you're doing and not him.

 

Can you elaborate on what he is doing to make you angry?

[Gaeta]

It takes 2 to fight. If you don't participate in his little tantrums there won't be any fighting.

 

I am reading most of these fights are generated by you complaining about his behavior.

 

Are all his behavior worth a fight? Must you get on his case for every little bit he does wrong out there?

[CoolBurn]

Well you're being very vague about what he did that upset you. You never told us what the comment was, or the 2nd thing that annoyed you was.

 

Yes, he's being immature by not talking to you, but it might be due to something you're doing and not him.

 

Can you elaborate on what he is doing to make you angry?

 

I tried being angry and it didn't work, I tried being chill and he takes it as a sign that he can be inconsiderate with my feelings, I tried to reason and he still keeps being hardheaded.

Today, I got a little upset because yesterday he said he'd try and see me, but instead mentioned he'll go sleep at home. I know he's busy and everything but he could explain his situation, I'm not some psycho that will demand he quit his job so he can see me. He just likes taking me as unreasonable by default, I don't know how to get through to him.

[barcode88]

I tried being angry and it didn't work, I tried being chill and he takes it as a sign that he can be inconsiderate with my feelings, I tried to reason and he still keeps being hardheaded.

Today, I got a little upset because yesterday he said he'd try and see me, but instead mentioned he'll go sleep at home. I know he's busy and everything but he could explain his situation, I'm not some psycho that will demand he quit his job so he can see me. He just likes taking me as unreasonable by default, I don't know how to get through to him.

 

Sorry but you're still being very vague.... Reread your original post and explain all of the situations CLEARLY as they happened without bias.

 

Then reread this post and do the same.

 

I get that you weren't "expressing" your anger, but I meant that you felt angry. Sometimes concealing your anger and talking to someone in a cool/collected manner can be a form of passive/aggressive since they know you're chewing them out for something.

 

I'll analyze your most recent situation:

 

He said he'd TRY and see you. Then he said he was tired and wanted to sleep. Okay... Why are you SO upset over this? How long have you been dating, how often do you see each other? You might be expecting too much.

[Buddhist]

Are you really at your wits end? Or do you just want your bf to magically be someone else so you can be happy? I'm asking that because people like to assume that this kind of immaturity can be solved by having a chat. It really can't. If he's inclined to give you the silent treatment, take no responsibility for his actions and constantly project, that is a maturity issue and it isn't going away soon. Sorry to tell you but your fix for that is getting a new boyfriend.

 

If he won't even have a mature conversation with you about something there is no hope at all that his behaviour is likely to change. Don't put up with it, forgive him or let him gloss over it just because it's convenient for him to do that. Hold him to account for his actions, and that means when he calls you the next day after giving you the silent treatment the appropriate response is to say....

 

So are you ready to have a mature discussion of our disagreement?

 

And you pick up the issue where it left off. Simply pretending there is no issue at all resolves nothing and teaches him that his behaviour is acceptable to you and this is how to handle all future conflict.

[CoolBurn]

Sorry but you're still being very vague.... Reread your original post and explain all of the situations CLEARLY as they happened without bias.

 

Then reread this post and do the same.

 

I get that you weren't "expressing" your anger, but I meant that you felt angry. Sometimes concealing your anger and talking to someone in a cool/collected manner can be a form of passive/aggressive since they know you're chewing them out for something.

 

I'll analyze your most recent situation:

 

He said he'd TRY and see you. Then he said he was tired and wanted to sleep. Okay... Why are you SO upset over this? How long have you been dating, how often do you see each other? You might be expecting too much.

 

Okay, here it goes.

Case with the girl: This girl is my high school friend, we were close because she was fun and spontaneous. When we first started dating (my BF and I) he first asked me what kind of body my friends had (as in, naked). Needless to say, I flipped. He said he's curious by nature but that's just NOT something you ask someone. Second time, the girl and her best friend decided to go on a late night drive and bring my boyfriend along. Again, I am reminding you these people are mere acquaintances and I came to the conclusion both pairs were just hungry for attention, but it really hurt me to be honest. This, being the third time, me and my boyfriend were having a conversation about an inside joke on my Facebook wall, she barges in "laughing" at our jokes and when I tease my boyfriend about sending me a kiss, he says it wasn't for you, but for *Insert Friend's Name Here*. On my Facebook wall, for everyone who knows the three of us to misinterpret, after all those discussions about her. Inconsiderate doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

Today, I was a bit disappointed because he said he would try to see me. Yesterday he told me he had the afternoon free so I assumed we were going to meet unless anything unexpected comes up. After I tell him he upset me, he says "I have class today afternoon but skipping to catch up on sleep". He could have told me that yesterday, but he didn't. We're almost a year into the relationship and we normally see each other at least 3 times a week. Lately he's just been distant over text, real life interaction is the same. We have been seeing each other less this past couple of weeks (2 times at most), and it's not the only thing that's been bothering me. He has this way with humor that constantly tries to make me jealous like "I told this girl this" or "She told me that" with that sly smile that says I'm not entirely serious but are you jealous yet? If I ask him to stop, he just says baby you know I'm just joking, and then continues the day after. I don't know how to get through to him.

[CoolBurn]

Are you really at your wits end? Or do you just want your bf to magically be someone else so you can be happy? I'm asking that because people like to assume that this kind of immaturity can be solved by having a chat. It really can't. If he's inclined to give you the silent treatment, take no responsibility for his actions and constantly project, that is a maturity issue and it isn't going away soon. Sorry to tell you but your fix for that is getting a new boyfriend.

 

If he won't even have a mature conversation with you about something there is no hope at all that his behaviour is likely to change. Don't put up with it, forgive him or let him gloss over it just because it's convenient for him to do that. Hold him to account for his actions, and that means when he calls you the next day after giving you the silent treatment the appropriate response is to say....

 

So are you ready to have a mature discussion of our disagreement?

 

And you pick up the issue where it left off. Simply pretending there is no issue at all resolves nothing and teaches him that his behaviour is acceptable to you and this is how to handle all future conflict.

 

I completely agree with you, it's just that in all other aspects of his life he is extremely mature so I'm assuming it's just that we fight differently and it's just not working for us.

[pteromom]

he first asked me what kind of body my friends had (as in, naked).

 

Red flag 1 that he is just not very respectful of you (or women in general) and that he WANTS to get that jealous reaction out of you.

 

Second time, the girl and her best friend decided to go on a late night drive and bring my boyfriend along. Again, I am reminding you these people are mere acquaintances and I came to the conclusion both pairs were just hungry for attention, but it really hurt me to be honest.

 

I don't get this one. You were upset that he went with them? Or did he kinda throw it in your face and try to hurt you?

 

This, being the third time, me and my boyfriend were having a conversation about an inside joke on my Facebook wall, she barges in "laughing" at our jokes and when I tease my boyfriend about sending me a kiss, he says it wasn't for you, but for *Insert Friend's Name Here*.

 

Red flag #2 that he isn't really respectful and likes to make you jealous and/or make it seem like he doesn't really care about you.

 

Today, I was a bit disappointed because he said he would try to see me. Yesterday he told me he had the afternoon free so I assumed we were going to meet unless anything unexpected comes up. After I tell him he upset me, he says "I have class today afternoon but skipping to catch up on sleep". He could have told me that yesterday, but he didn't.

 

On this one, YOU are the one who needs to be a little more chill. If he wants to sleep, let him sleep. Tell him you will see him the next day, and give him NO grief over it. The more that interactions with you are pleasant and make him happy, the more he will want to interact with you. If he knows that him expressing his need for a night alone is going to turn to an argument, it just makes him not want to talk to you.

 

He has this way with humor that constantly tries to make me jealous like "I told this girl this" or "She told me that" with that sly smile that says I'm not entirely serious but are you jealous yet? If I ask him to stop, he just says baby you know I'm just joking, and then continues the day after. I don't know how to get through to him.

 

He likes it. You get through to him just fine, but that payoff of your jealousy is more important to him. It makes him feel special, loved, etc. to know you are jealous. Asking him to stop won't work. Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine to learn what it feels like from your end... then maybe he will "get it". Perhaps you need to send a kiss to a male Facebook friend, or tell your bf about some guy flirting with you.

[Gaeta]

Okay, here it goes.

Case with the girl: This girl is my high school friend, we were close because she was fun and spontaneous. When we first started dating (my BF and I) he first asked me what kind of body my friends had (as in, naked). Needless to say, I flipped. He said he's curious by nature but that's just NOT something you ask someone. Second time, the girl and her best friend decided to go on a late night drive and bring my boyfriend along. Again, I am reminding you these people are mere acquaintances and I came to the conclusion both pairs were just hungry for attention, but it really hurt me to be honest. This, being the third time, me and my boyfriend were having a conversation about an inside joke on my Facebook wall, she barges in "laughing" at our jokes and when I tease my boyfriend about sending me a kiss, he says it wasn't for you, but for *Insert Friend's Name Here*. On my Facebook wall, for everyone who knows the three of us to misinterpret, after all those discussions about her. Inconsiderate doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

Today, I was a bit disappointed because he said he would try to see me. Yesterday he told me he had the afternoon free so I assumed we were going to meet unless anything unexpected comes up. After I tell him he upset me, he says "I have class today afternoon but skipping to catch up on sleep". He could have told me that yesterday, but he didn't. We're almost a year into the relationship and we normally see each other at least 3 times a week. Lately he's just been distant over text, real life interaction is the same. We have been seeing each other less this past couple of weeks (2 times at most), and it's not the only thing that's been bothering me. He has this way with humor that constantly tries to make me jealous like "I told this girl this" or "She told me that" with that sly smile that says I'm not entirely serious but are you jealous yet? If I ask him to stop, he just says baby you know I'm just joking, and then continues the day after. I don't know how to get through to him.

 

Doesn't matter that in all other aspect of his life he is mature. When it comes to relationship he is an immature teenage with no respect for your relationship or you.

[CoolBurn]

 

He likes it. You get through to him just fine, but that payoff of your jealousy is more important to him. It makes him feel special, loved, etc. to know you are jealous. Asking him to stop won't work. Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine to learn what it feels like from your end... then maybe he will "get it". Perhaps you need to send a kiss to a male Facebook friend, or tell your bf about some guy flirting with you.

 

I have tried threatening him with that, he basically said that would be the end of our relationship. But he keeps doing that to me...

[barcode88]

Okay, here it goes.

Case with the girl: This girl is my high school friend, we were close because she was fun and spontaneous. When we first started dating (my BF and I) he first asked me what kind of body my friends had (as in, naked). Needless to say, I flipped. He said he's curious by nature but that's just NOT something you ask someone. Second time, the girl and her best friend decided to go on a late night drive and bring my boyfriend along. Again, I am reminding you these people are mere acquaintances and I came to the conclusion both pairs were just hungry for attention, but it really hurt me to be honest. This, being the third time, me and my boyfriend were having a conversation about an inside joke on my Facebook wall, she barges in "laughing" at our jokes and when I tease my boyfriend about sending me a kiss, he says it wasn't for you, but for *Insert Friend's Name Here*. On my Facebook wall, for everyone who knows the three of us to misinterpret, after all those discussions about her. Inconsiderate doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

Today, I was a bit disappointed because he said he would try to see me. Yesterday he told me he had the afternoon free so I assumed we were going to meet unless anything unexpected comes up. After I tell him he upset me, he says "I have class today afternoon but skipping to catch up on sleep". He could have told me that yesterday, but he didn't. We're almost a year into the relationship and we normally see each other at least 3 times a week. Lately he's just been distant over text, real life interaction is the same. We have been seeing each other less this past couple of weeks (2 times at most), and it's not the only thing that's been bothering me. He has this way with humor that constantly tries to make me jealous like "I told this girl this" or "She told me that" with that sly smile that says I'm not entirely serious but are you jealous yet? If I ask him to stop, he just says baby you know I'm just joking, and then continues the day after. I don't know how to get through to him.

 

Ok, that's a much better explanation and I can see what's going on a bit better. I don't think you're crazy, he's definitely crossing some bounds and I think you have a right to be upset with him. The Facebook comment he might have just been playfully teasing you, but if your relationship is strained to say the least, I'd say it's out of line for sure.

 

The comment about asking what your friends look like naked is pretty creepy, and it's weird he went on a car ride with those 2 girls. A girl I used to see did stuff like this and it hurts, so I feel you there.

 

If he won't talk to you and just ignores problems, then you need to start ignoring him. This guy sounds like a player and just does what he pleases, I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on you in one way or another. Has there been any signs he might be cheating on you?

[CoolBurn]

Ok, that's a much better explanation and I can see what's going on a bit better. I don't think you're crazy, he's definitely crossing some bounds and I think you have a right to be upset with him. The Facebook comment he might have just been playfully teasing you, but if your relationship is strained to say the least, I'd say it's out of line for sure.

 

The comment about asking what your friends look like naked is pretty creepy, and it's weird he went on a car ride with those 2 girls. A girl I used to see did stuff like this and it hurts, so I feel you there.

 

If he won't talk to you and just ignores problems, then you need to start ignoring him. This guy sounds like a player and just does what he pleases, I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on you in one way or another. Has there been any signs he might be cheating on you?

I haven't really thought of that. Maybe emotionally, and that's still a huge maybe. But physically, I don't think so. And I don't just want out of this relationship, I want to try and fix things it's just that I don't want to do that by getting back at him, not only is it immature, I'm not going to risk my reputation to prove a point. So any advice?

[preraph]

There's a myriad of problems here, mostly being that your BF is going to do whatever he wants and if you don't like it, he doesn't care. And then you have your so-called friends trying to tantalize him too. I think I'd throw in the towel. But if you want to try to get his attention first, which will probably be shortlived, stop being available and start going and doing things without having him approve them or even telling him what you're doing and when he's ready for you, don't be available at the last minute. He is ready to make up and get laid, "Sorry, I made plans," no explanation. He wants your time, he can start booking it. I wouldn't even have sex with someone who was fighting with me like that either. He'd take the time for you both to find a resolution so you'd be feeling it.

[barcode88]

I haven't really thought of that. Maybe emotionally, and that's still a huge maybe. But physically, I don't think so. And I don't just want out of this relationship, I want to try and fix things it's just that I don't want to do that by getting back at him, not only is it immature, I'm not going to risk my reputation to prove a point. So any advice?

 

Honestly I don't think you can fix this, this guy seems extremely immature the way he goes out of his way to upset you. Guys like this don't change without some sort of huge intervention in their life that changes their aspect.

 

You need to talk to him and get him to listen, if he won't take you seriously, then you need to walk away.

[CoolBurn]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and write back. I will have him sit down for a serious conversation when things calm down and I will state my concerns and disappointments with him. Thank you again.

[barcode88]

Good luck. Give us an update on how it goes!

[Buddhist]

I have tried threatening him with that, he basically said that would be the end of our relationship. But he keeps doing that to me...

 

Never threaten. It doesn't work in life. What does is drawing your own lines and when someone crosses them they receive the consequences of doing so. It's not easy to live that way, granted. It means you'll have to sacrifice something in order to have your boundaries respected. But over time you realise that whatever you've sacrificed was far less valuable than the self respect you've gained.

[pteromom]

I have tried threatening him with that, he basically said that would be the end of our relationship. But he keeps doing that to me...

 

Well, that is incredibly rude of him.

 

Ask him why that would be the end of your relationship. And when he talks about disrespect and how inappropriate it is, ask him why that doesn't apply to him, and why he isn't able to consider how it makes you feel when he does it.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like he's trying to wind you up and make you jealous. The question is, is he doing this because he feels insecure and wants reassurance from you that you are still possessive of him or is he doing it because he thinks it's amusing and doesn't care about your feelings. As he seems to be hurting you by being unreliable too, I would think the latter. It might be worth backing off, leaving him to his 'man cave' for a while, and seeing if he starts to miss you. Rather than rush back to him at the slightest sign of interest, might be best to take it a bit slower than usual. Basically, let him know in a subtle way that he can't take you for granted.

 

If he doesn't make much effort or his only interactions with you are trying to wind you up, then it sounds like you need a boyfriend who is more mature and actually cares about you.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend has been really cranky lately and it's really starting to get on my nerves. This week alone we've had three fights that basically lead nowhere and just keep lingering on because he won't let go, and that keeps causing arguments. For example, two or three days ago I stated my dislike for a certain comment he said to one of my friends that could be certainly misinterpreted by the whole online community. He, instead of apologizing (this is the third time this has happened concerning said friend) just shut down on me and ignored me for the rest of the night. The next day he calls like nothing is wrong and okay, I go along with it. Today, something else bothered me and he completely blew up on me with a "sorry for being busy aka having a life" remark. And I am so over this behavior, he assumes I will always be the one that's available whenever he is and will forgive whenever he wants to (according to him I probably don't even have to forgive him because he's never wrong) and adding to that he always says I'm the stubborn one that never admits to being wrong.

Concerning the girl drama, I have made a previous post about the same girl calling my boyfriend out at 11pm, and seeing they are mere acquaintances and she has a bit of a reputation, he is supposed to avoid putting himself in situations that annoy me, but no, this is his third time doing something that involves that same person.

Please help, I am at my wits end.

he is supposed to avoid putting himself in situations that annoy me, but no, this is his third time doing something that involves that same person.

 

He's done this 3 times because there have never been consequences to those actions.

 

You may have threatened something, but unless you enforce it, he will keep doing those things.

 

he assumes I will always be the one that's available whenever he is and will forgive whenever he wants to

 

he calls like nothing is wrong and okay, I go along with it

 

He's not making assumptions -- you are always the one that's available whenever he is . . .

 

You are basically feeding his passive-aggressiveness. Make boundaries and stick to them and show him how to be more effective with communication.

 

This man is for some reason experiencing some hostility in the relationship or it may be an external source . . . work, family, friends, etc.

 

Passive-aggressiveness is routed in hostility. Dealing with someone's hostility by being hostile as well, only feeds a continuing cycle that usually escalates.

 

When he is hostile and uncooperative, diffuse the hostility by being supportive and calm. You simply say "I love you and value our relationship. I have noticed that you are irritable lately and there is hostility between us. It is important for us to calmly communicate about this. Is there anything troubling you? It's kinda like a teacher with an unruly classroom -- the louder she gets to try to be heard over the noise from the kids, the less they respond. When she just starts talking in normal tone the kids start focusing on it so they can hear what she is saying. This works a lot of the time.

 

If he still refuses to deal with it more effectively or continues to blow up. Put some space between you. Get more involved in other things in your life. I'm not saying don't communicate at all, just don't be as available to him. You can say, "I don't want to argue about this, but it needs to be resolved. Please call me when you are feeling as though we can talk about and resolve the issue(s)."

[katiegrl]

Sorry but you're still being very vague.... Reread your original post and explain all of the situations CLEARLY as they happened without bias.

 

Then reread this post and do the same.

 

I get that you weren't "expressing" your anger, but I meant that you felt angry. Sometimes concealing your anger and talking to someone in a cool/collected manner can be a form of passive/aggressive since they know you're chewing them out for something.

 

I'll analyze your most recent situation:

 

He said he'd TRY and see you. Then he said he was tired and wanted to sleep. Okay... Why are you SO upset over this? How long have you been dating, how often do you see each other? You might be expecting too much.

 

Last paragraph...+1000..

 

OP... sounds like you need to chill just a bit. Nothing wrong with him being tired ...would you have rather he lied and made up some elaborate excuse as to why he couldn't come?

 

This is why men hesitate being honest.. because of reactions like yours.

 

Chill out and let the guy breathe!

 

You might have said "well I was looking forward to seeing you, but I understand...sleep tight."

 

Or something like that. NOT getting mad and arguing with him about it....jeez.

[katiegrl]

I have tried threatening him with that, he basically said that would be the end of our relationship. But he keeps doing that to me...

 

So then you do the same. You tell him you don't like it ...and why. You tell him if it continues then YOU will end the relationship...and why.

 

You give him too much power over you. You need to take it back by standing up to him and NOT tolerating that shyt.

 

He has made it very clear that HE wouldn't! So why do you?

 

With respect to him needing to sleep, my original opinion still holds.