Building trust second time around.

[planb1973]

I dated a woman for a few months. We never discussed being exclusive and broke up due me also dating someone else. She also admitted to sleeping with a couple guys, her reason was that she didn't know where we were at and sensed me being distant. It scared her because she was falling for me so she jumped in bed with these guys hoping to feel intimacy.

 

We didnt speak for a couple months then met for coffee and both decided to give the relationship a real go, as in commuted and exclusive. We have both deleted our OLD profiles and have been having a great time together, feeling very close and working on an open honest commuted relationship.

 

My problem is I don't fully trust her yet and really want to. She admits that sleeping with those guys was immature and she regrets it and I can't seem to get her to understand how those actions made me feel as far as trusting her going forward. I just hate this feeling that if for some reason I can't give her enough attention, I'm very busy and a single parent to boot, that she may do something stupid.

 

How can I build trust?

[ExpatInItaly]

I dated a woman for a few months. We never discussed being exclusive and broke up due me also dating someone else[/I]. She also admitted to sleeping with a couple guys, her reason was that she didn't know where we were at and sensed me being distant. It scared her because she was falling for me so she jumped in bed with these guys hoping to feel intimacy.

 

We didnt speak for a couple months then met for coffee and both decided to give the relationship a real go, as in commuted and exclusive. We have both deleted our OLD profiles and have been having a great time together, feeling very close and working on an open honest commuted relationship.

 

My problem is I don't fully trust her yet and really want to. She admits that sleeping with those guys was immature and she regrets it and I can't seem to get her to understand how those actions made me feel as far as trusting her going forward. I just hate this feeling that if for some reason I can't give her enough attention, I'm very busy and a single parent to boot, that she may do something stupid.

 

How can I build trust?

 

What about how you dating other women made her feel?

 

I don't think either of you was necessarily wrong or "stupid", but it sounds like you were both exploring other people because you weren't ready to commit to each other. I think in order for this to work, you need to realize she will probably have the same trust issues with you and therefore you both need to attempt to wipe the slate clean. If you can't, it won't work out.

[barcode88]

OP, I think you both had your shortcomings, and she might feel JUST THE SAME towards you.

 

Sometimes it takes a leap of faith in the other person. Put this behind you and move forward.

[kayla73]

Technically, neither of you wronged the other because you weren't exclusive. However, if there are already issues, it might be better for you to move on. I bet you aren't the only one having trust issues either.

[Redhead14]

I dated a woman for a few months. We never discussed being exclusive and broke up due me also dating someone else. She also admitted to sleeping with a couple guys, her reason was that she didn't know where we were at and sensed me being distant. It scared her because she was falling for me so she jumped in bed with these guys hoping to feel intimacy.

 

We didnt speak for a couple months then met for coffee and both decided to give the relationship a real go, as in commuted and exclusive. We have both deleted our OLD profiles and have been having a great time together, feeling very close and working on an open honest commuted relationship.

 

My problem is I don't fully trust her yet and really want to. She admits that sleeping with those guys was immature and she regrets it and I can't seem to get her to understand how those actions made me feel as far as trusting her going forward. I just hate this feeling that if for some reason I can't give her enough attention, I'm very busy and a single parent to boot, that she may do something stupid.

 

How can I build trust?

 

You two were not exclusive . . . you were free to date others (and did) and she was free to date others (and she did). There was no level of trust to be broken between you.

 

Now that you are exclusive, you go from here. Not from the past where there was no clear communication and no exclusivity.

 

If she seems to need alot of intimacy, make sure you give her as much as you can and, in between, have good solid communication that is reassuring to her.

 

She admits that sleeping with those guys was immature and she regrets it and I can't seem to get her to understand how those actions made me feel as far as trusting her going forward. She didn't lie about her experiences -- so you can trust her.

[Gaeta]

I dated a woman for a few months. We never discussed being exclusive and broke up due me also dating someone else. She also admitted to sleeping with a couple guys, her reason was that she didn't know where we were at and sensed me being distant. It scared her because she was falling for me so she jumped in bed with these guys hoping to feel intimacy.

 

We didnt speak for a couple months then met for coffee and both decided to give the relationship a real go, as in commuted and exclusive. We have both deleted our OLD profiles and have been having a great time together, feeling very close and working on an open honest commuted relationship.

 

My problem is I don't fully trust her yet and really want to. She admits that sleeping with those guys was immature and she regrets it and I can't seem to get her to understand how those actions made me feel as far as trusting her going forward. I just hate this feeling that if for some reason I can't give her enough attention, I'm very busy and a single parent to boot, that she may do something stupid.

 

How can I build trust?

 

She broke up with you because you were seeing someone else but during that same time she was sleeping around?

 

A few things bother me.

 

* She is a bad communicator. She chose to turn toward other men instead of communicating her needs to you.

 

* She breaks up with you over something she was doing herself at the same time

 

Question: Has she ever cheated on an exclusive boyfriend before?

[Vercetti]

If someone is dating me, yet wish to sleep with other men cause not sure...I would simply find someone else that isn't so indecisive as to being with me exclusively. What kind of future is that, oh when we first saw each other we had to rack up a body counts then it was true love.

[Buddhist]

So wait....you were dating multiple women at that time, but somehow you expected her not to date multiple men? Despite the fact neither of you were exclusive and you offered her no commitment at all. To be frank, what she did during that period is none of your business. The only mistake she made here was confiding her own doubts in you because it seems you've just taken that confidence and used it to judge her.

 

Break up, your ego is too wounded to get over this and she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Buddhist

[Gaeta]

So wait....you were dating multiple women at that time, but somehow you expected her not to date multiple men? Despite the fact neither of you were exclusive and you offered her no commitment at all. To be frank, what she did during that period is none of your business. The only mistake she made here was confiding her own doubts in you because it seems you've just taken that confidence and used it to judge her.

 

Break up, your ego is too wounded to get over this and she hasn't actually done anything wrong.

 

Yes but she is the hypocrite one for breaking up with him over him seeing other women while she was doing the same darn thing.

[Buddhist]

Yes but she is the hypocrite one for breaking up with him over him seeing other women while she was doing the same darn thing.

 

I see why you are taking it that way, but it's not the way I'm seeing it. She decided to stop dating him (they weren't exclusive so there is no break-up) because he wasn't offering her commitment. Not because there was any kind of cheating thing happening. If you're not exclusive there is no relationship to begin with. She's decided she doesn't like the multiple dating situation and walked away from it. It doesn't look like a case of her believing they were exclusive then finding out there's other women involved and getting huffy about it. They were at that stage both free to date others, they were both dating others, she wanted commitment and it wasn't happening. They stopped seeing each other.

 

The OPs statement that she broke up with him because of the other women, says to me that she asked him for commitment, or perhaps just hinted at it or expected it but he wasn't prepared to give it to her at that time. Nothing wrong with his actions there, and really nothing wrong with hers in deciding not to continue on at that point. It's a very common scenario. You date, you at some point expect to become exclusive with someone, and you both decide to stop dating the others when you reach that point. They weren't reaching that point which is why she lost interest.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Buddhist

[planb1973]

I know she was free to do as she pleased since we were not exclusive. The area of my trust is the double standard. She was really upset when I told her I was also dating someone else, who for the record I was not sleeping with. She explained that she felt like I led her to believe that we were exclusive and she thought we were... but she slept with the other guys. Its not really that she was with others that is troubling me, she had every right, I think it comes down more to the communication part. If she wanted to be exclusive with me; A why didn't she bring it up, and B why would she sleep with others if she wanted an exclusive relationship with me.

 

The root of my trust issues has more to do with communication and making good decisions than her cheating. She was married before and was faithful to him, and I keep reminding myself of that. I am taking a leap of faith with her and striving for trust and honesty, also making sure that I am being transparent myself. Time is the only thing that I think can help here.

[Diezel]

I would be weary of the woman who claims to be faithful in a previous marriage, while trumpeting the fact that if she lacks intimacy, she'll go sleep with other guys to go try to "feel it".

 

Also, it's way more difficult to build trust the second time around. You'll never get to whatever the same level was at. The curtain has been pulled and you've seen part of what goes behind the scenes.

[Gaeta]

She explained that she felt like I led her to believe that we were exclusive and she thought we were... but she slept with the other guys.

 

That is my point, she slept with other men while under the impression she was in an exclusive relationship. Then she breaks up with you for seeing other women (under the impression you are exclusive) while she was sleeping around.

 

It's not impressive in any form. You are right to be worried that when the going gets tough in your relationship she will run toward other men instead of communicating her displease.