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Should BF make me feel better?


xosillypenguinxo

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xosillypenguinxo

My bf(27) and I(25) had a disagreement on Sunday night about how he isn't romantic and never really uses any verbal affirmations in the relationship. It's hard to know that he misses me or cares when never says it. I told him that I dont feel special in the relationship and he did not say anything to reaffirm how he feels about me. I was still upset and he just went to bed. The next day, we barely texted and when he called at night, I was still upset and he just said cheer up before you go to sleep and went to bed. Same thing last night. I'm just hurt by the fact that he hasn't once tried to show that he cares verbally or through actions that I am upset and tried to make me feel better. I dont know if I am over reacting or that is something I should expect from him (to make me feel better)...

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You are in love with a non verbal guy. He may not have the words / skill set to tell you what you want to hear.

 

 

You can gradually try to open him up. You can accept that you will never get the pretty words. Or you can bail. It's up to you. You can also stick around & pout as you are doing but that is the worst option.

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You might have to use some tough love. Cut off sex, and then when he says, "What's wrong"?, then he'll be ready to really listen to you and change. For best results, it has to be their own idea.

 

Women need romance in a relationship like flowers need the rain.

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How about you find yourself a nice man that is capable of saying how much he appreciates and loves you? How freakin hard is it to say I miss you, I wanna be with you, I enjoy every minute spent with you.

 

To me men that can't express the basic in a relationship are suffering from emotional constipation.

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I agree with the "tough love" idea. A man should never let his significant other go to bed upset. He may not be an expressive guy, but his actions tell me that he just doesn't care. You need to tell him exactly this. If he doesn't change his actions, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

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To me men that can't express the basic in a relationship are suffering from emotional constipation.

 

Ha ha ha !:lmao: ^^^ that is so true !

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losangelena

You took the words right out of my mouth, Arieswoman! Gotta love Gaeta's straightforward approach.

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Why are you with him? It's one thing for a man to not be able to *say the words," but you said he doesn't *show* you either?

 

So both his *words* AND *actions* don't reflect he cares or loves you.....

 

What else is there?

 

The man doesn't care, period.

 

So again, why are you with him?

 

If you're hoping he will wake up one day and miraculously realize he *does* care and starts *acting* like he cares, forget it.

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I would just show him the door.

 

What's the point with somebody who is just not there emotionally?

 

There is no point.

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Mrlonelyone

We have to be cognizant of the possibility that he can't say it because he has been hurt in the past. There are many stories by many men who will tell you the second they verbally affirm that they are actually into a woman the woman bolts. This is especially so since you are both relatively young.

 

You are over 25 so adolescent behavior is well behind you but you have to immagine the dating scene for a relationship minded guy under 25. Which is what he may have been just a couple years ago.

 

Be romantic and buy flowers for a girl you have been dating for a while.... get dumped for being needy/corny/ too nice.

 

Talking and listening to a girl about personal issues maybe even being physically intimate to a degree, up to and including sex... Then the woman gets with a guy that is abusive and does none of that.

 

I can go on.

 

 

If you want to hear verbal affirmation of the relationship from him make him feel comfortable and safe to do that with you. Give him what you want to get from him. Give him your affirmation even more than you have before.

 

Give him some slack. Men who are too verbal with affection are not rewarded by society.

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We have to be cognizant of the possibility that he can't say it because he has been hurt in the past. There are many stories by many men who will tell you the second they verbally affirm that they are actually into a woman the woman bolts. This is especially so since you are both relatively young.

 

You are over 25 so adolescent behavior is well behind you but you have to immagine the dating scene for a relationship minded guy under 25. Which is what he may have been just a couple years ago.

 

Be romantic and buy flowers for a girl you have been dating for a while.... get dumped for being needy/corny/ too nice.

 

Talking and listening to a girl about personal issues maybe even being physically intimate to a degree, up to and including sex... Then the woman gets with a guy that is abusive and does none of that.

 

I can go on.

 

 

If you want to hear verbal affirmation of the relationship from him make him feel comfortable and safe to do that with you. Give him what you want to get from him. Give him your affirmation even more than you have before.

 

Give him some slack. Men who are too verbal are not rewarded by society.

 

Read her first post again..and read the rest of the thread...

 

His *actions* don't reflect he cares either...:)

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xosillypenguinxo
Read her first post again..and read the rest of the thread...

 

His *actions* don't reflect he cares either...:)

 

When I addressed the issue, he said that guys just aren't verbal like that. He says that no guy he knows is verbally romantic so it doesn't have to do with his past...

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When I addressed the issue, he said that guys just aren't verbal like that. He says that no guy he knows is verbally romantic so it doesn't have to do with his past...

 

Okay...but your original post says "I'm just upset that he hasn't once tried to show he cares verbally or though *actions*...

 

So are you saying now that he *does* show you he cares through his actions? How so? Can you clarify?

 

Having that info would change my opinion significantly!

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ExpatInItaly
When I addressed the issue, he said that guys just aren't verbal like that. He says that no guy he knows is verbally romantic so it doesn't have to do with his past...

 

Bullcrap - there are plenty of men who do express themselves. He's making excuses. How has the relationship been otherwise? Any chance he's just not feeling it anymore?

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My bf(27) and I(25) had a disagreement on Sunday night about how he isn't romantic and never really uses any verbal affirmations in the relationship. It's hard to know that he misses me or cares when never says it. I told him that I dont feel special in the relationship and he did not say anything to reaffirm how he feels about me. I was still upset and he just went to bed. The next day, we barely texted and when he called at night, I was still upset and he just said cheer up before you go to sleep and went to bed. Same thing last night. I'm just hurt by the fact that he hasn't once tried to show that he cares verbally or through actions that I am upset and tried to make me feel better. I dont know if I am over reacting or that is something I should expect from him (to make me feel better)...

 

Men are often not very verbal about communicating their affections. It's usually about how he makes you feel. Usually, you know it just by their actions. But this man does neither -- "he hasn't once tried to show that he cares verbally or through actions." How long have you been seeing him? And, what are your dating/relationship goals? Are you two on the same page with that?

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You might have to use some tough love. Cut off sex, and then when he says, "What's wrong"?, then he'll be ready to really listen to you and change. For best results, it has to be their own idea.

 

So because he isn't an expressive man, you are green-lighting the use of emotional manipulation in order to get a point across?

 

#1: That's just wrong.

 

#2: If this were me, I'd just bail, only because I'd know better.

 

#3: This relationship is incompatible anyway. If after talking to him, his response is pretty much the same as who he was previously, this is who he is and nothing more.

 

 

But to suggest manipulating the relationship to get results, suggests emotional instability. It's much easier and mentally healthier to find a new man that'll meet her needs than to play these childish games.

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So because he isn't an expressive man, you are green-lighting the use of emotional manipulation in order to get a point across?

 

#1: That's just wrong.

 

#2: If this were me, I'd just bail, only because I'd know better.

 

#3: This relationship is incompatible anyway. If after talking to him, his response is pretty much the same as who he was previously, this is who he is and nothing more.

 

 

But to suggest manipulating the relationship to get results, suggests emotional instability. It's much easier and mentally healthier to find a new man that'll meet her needs than to play these childish games.

 

Woman that do that and play games like that are losers.

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Listen, a lot of people have trouble saying mushy things, but it's so much more important how they treat you than what they say. I think this texting generation has put the spotlight on "sweet nothings," but try to remember anyone can say these and there's no way to know if they mean them except to see if the words match the actions.

 

Honestly, I'd feel awkward with a guy who said "I love you" on his way out the door every morning. To me, it becomes trite. To me, it means much more if him saying it is a milestone or happens at significant moment. I wouldn't want to be on vacation, for example, and keep getting texts that said "I miss you." I think one of those would be nice, but I think it means something else when they are bombarding you with that every day you're gone. And then you're on the beach with a drink in your hand watching the waves come in and you're obligated to say back "I miss you too" back when the truth is you're perfectly content, more than content, lolling on the beach. If I missed you that much, I wouldn't be lolling on the beach without you.

 

So I think people who require constant affirmation, as you say, need to get a little more comfortable with their own worth and not need someone to validate their worth for them all the time. Maybe for you that will come with trust and time in the relationship. But all I know is pressuring someone to get out of their comfort zone and say mushy things when the situation itself is not mushy and is just the normal daily routine is eventually going to work against you.

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^^(shaking head)...

 

The OP did not say she needs "constant affirmation.". She gets ZERO affirmations, verbal OR through actions!

 

What the hell is the point of staying in a relationship with someone who is either incapable of and/or lacks the desire to express himself verbally or though his actions????

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Mrlonelyone
Read her first post again..and read the rest of the thread...

 

His *actions* don't reflect he cares either...:)

 

I assumed that by *actions* she didn't mean the day to day acts of love. I thought she meant the overtly romantic acts of love. Flowers, Candy, cards, type actions.

 

Let me put it this way. In terms of male physiology there is a certain increase in the pressure of the day that it is nice to have someone else release.

 

Men who are overtly romantic are often not rewarded with such services.

 

 

 

Look at this from the male perspective.

 

Right now this guy has a girlfriend who clearly loves him and shows it in many ways, emotional, actions, physically. What motivation does he have to do anything different? In fact as far has he is concerned right now he has a great thing going. Why upset that with some random act of romance, when, just being 27 he likely still remembers seeing men who did that loose out.

 

In relating to men you have to remember their version of reality and try to understand it. (Men try to do the same with women.)

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You might have to use some tough love. Cut off sex, and then when he says, "What's wrong"?, then he'll be ready to really listen to you and change. For best results, it has to be their own idea.

 

Women need romance in a relationship like flowers need the rain.

 

Sex is not a weapon or tool of manipulation in a relationship. If there is a disagreement about something and communication is weak, why create another area in the relationship to become weakened. This is emotional abuse. Sex is part of the foundation of trust in a relationship.

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Mrlonelyone
^^(shaking head)...

 

The OP did not say she needs "constant affirmation.". She gets ZERO affirmations, verbal OR through actions!

 

What the hell is the point of staying in a relationship with someone who is either incapable of and/or lacks the desire to express himself verbally or though his actions????

 

There is a philosophy among men which says that many women seek challenge in a relationship. Put another way if they get affirmation they loose interest. Much like a kitten or even a grown cat loosing interest in a piece of string if you don't jiggle it. While if one pulls the string away the cat will claw and pull it as if their life depended on it.

 

There is also a observation among many men that says women say they want one thing, then take actions which demonstrate they want something else. i.e. They say they want a good man who takes care of them, or "I want a man who is nice and kind and patient." Then they get with an Ex Conn who beats them chokes them and spends all their money.

 

 

I'm just letting you what many men think about this sort of thing. There are many websites about it. I've heard it spoken by men. Don't shoot the messenger.

 

Sex is not a weapon or tool of manipulation in a relationship. If there is a disagreement about something and communication is weak, why create another area in the relationship to become weakened. This is emotional abuse. Sex is part of the foundation of trust in a relationship.

 

If anything isn't sex more like the roof? :)

 

 

@xosillypenguinxo

 

My very brief advice is this. If you ever want to hear ILY from him say it to him and see if he says it back. If he can never say it back leave him.

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xosillypenguinxo
Okay...but your original post says "I'm just upset that he hasn't once tried to show he cares verbally or though *actions*...

 

So are you saying now that he *does* show you he cares through his actions? How so? Can you clarify?

 

Having that info would change my opinion significantly!

 

He used to show that he cares! The first couple of months, he would go out of his way to talk to me and see me but lately, its me who drives up 40 miles every weekend to see him and he doesn't even plan a proper date (which is fine) but it would be nice to see some sort of effort...

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xosillypenguinxo
So because he isn't an expressive man, you are green-lighting the use of emotional manipulation in order to get a point across?

 

#1: That's just wrong.

 

#2: If this were me, I'd just bail, only because I'd know better.

 

#3: This relationship is incompatible anyway. If after talking to him, his response is pretty much the same as who he was previously, this is who he is and nothing more.

 

 

But to suggest manipulating the relationship to get results, suggests emotional instability. It's much easier and mentally healthier to find a new man that'll meet her needs than to play these childish games.

 

 

I am not trying to manipulate him in anyway. I am genuinely upset...having someone show verbal affection is important to me and the fact that he can go about his day while I have been upset is hurtful.

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xosillypenguinxo
Men are often not very verbal about communicating their affections. It's usually about how he makes you feel. Usually, you know it just by their actions. But this man does neither -- "he hasn't once tried to show that he cares verbally or through actions." How long have you been seeing him? And, what are your dating/relationship goals? Are you two on the same page with that?

 

When I said he hasn't shown once he cares, I was referring to the last several days. He used to be more attentive when we first started dating. It has been 5 months now into the relationship.

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