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Getting drunk and/or high (marijuana) when out with her friends - problem?


Vintage79

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Ok - I'm not a drug user, and I rarely get really drunk. That said, the person I'm dating, on the rare occasion one of her college buddies is in town, will migrate back toward her college behavior, and she seems to want to do some serious drinking, and moreover, just the other day mentioned she'd be hanging out with one of these friends this weekend (Friday only), and mentioned that last time they hung out they smoked marijuana (that was maybe a year ago). While she thinks hanging out will likely just involve alcohol, she's not sure and I don't think she'd say no if things outside of alcohol were involved.

 

Her hanging out with friends like that happens maybe once a month (and most only drinking - no drugs) - so I always encourage her to see them whenever they're in town and I don't normally join them (so that they can have their time). Outside of the occasional instance with these friends, she does not do any kind of drugs, and while we do frequently have drinks, it's not to the point of being raging drunk. While I haven't directly asked her, I'd guess marijuana usage occurs at most 2-3 times per year for her, but is likely less frequent than that.

 

I'm wondering if I should let this type of behavior slide given that it's infrequent and doesn't really impact me (at least now), if I should talk to her about it, or just call it a deal breaker (as I don't like drug use) and move on. What would you do - we've been dating for about 3 months and spend several nights a week together. Everything between us generally seems pretty awesome, but I'm a bit concerned that I may be wearing the rose colored, honeymoon goggles.

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Q. Getting drunk and/or high (marijuana) when out with her friends - problem?

 

A, Yes.

 

I don't know where you are, but in UK marijuana use is illegal.

 

How old is your date?

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Everybody has different deal breakers & places where they draw the line.

 

 

If you don't care for the behavior she may not be the one for you. She doesn't have to stop but you don't have to put up with it.

 

 

Once a month seems like a lot. If you said it was once a year, maybe I'll tell you to try to be more OK with it.

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Ok just found it, she is 32.

 

At that age she should have outgrown her drinking and pot parties. I find it very juvenile she does that once a month.

 

What are your intention with dating her? Are you looking to settle down? have family? If yes, than she is not the one.

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She's 32 (I'm 36)...that's why I find that type of behavior a bit curious, as it's not like she's 22 and still exploring (although I didn't do it then). I get hanging out with friends and having a couple of drinks - but she does seem to go overboard on occasion and then there's the rare drug use (I don't know how common it is - as mentioned, probably not more than 2-3 times/year for marijuana - my guess is once a year tops - a an FYI marijuana is not legal where we live).

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Ok just found it, she is 32.

 

At that age she should have outgrown her drinking and pot parties. I find it very juvenile she does that once a month.

 

What are your intention with dating her? Are you looking to settle down? have family? If yes, than she is not the one.

 

It's not quite drinking and pot parties - usually just one of her friends and a few too many drinks at a restaurant/bar/house, and the very infrequent pot use (as mentioned - tops 2-3 times/year, but probably less).

 

But yeah - I'm looking to settle down at some point, and ideally not in the super distant future (but when/if it happens, it happens) - my impression is that she is looking to settle down as well - at least that's what she's told me, and she's mentioned wanting a few kids - so she doesn't have a super long timeline to drag her feet.

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I'm not pro-drugs here or anything, I've dabbled with Weed from time to time, but I'm not a regular user - I did vape some the other week though for the first time in years. Anyways here's my take:

 

A little bit of marijuana in a social environment isn't a terrible thing. Definitely no worse than getting drunk. Just be glad she isn't toking up several times a week. Let her have her fun with her friends, and be a supportive boyfriend.

 

If she buys a piece and starts toking up all the time then you can worry, but until then, I don't see why this should affect your chances of settling down with this girl. Even husbands/wives and parents can cut loose once in a while, as long as they're generally responsible.

 

Don't be that over-controlling boyfriend :D

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Although she may not be the most mature person on earth, I think a few times a year is not a major crime. And if she settles down and starts popping out babies, she's not going to have time for that nonsense anyway. I mean, let's be honest here, it's not like she's a crack whore! :laugh:

 

Nobody is perfect. Are you perfect?

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I'm not pro-drugs here or anything, I've dabbled with Weed from time to time, but I'm not a regular user - I did vape some the other week though for the first time in years. Anyways here's my take:

 

A little bit of marijuana in a social environment isn't a terrible thing. Definitely no worse than getting drunk. Just be glad she isn't toking up several times a week. Let her have her fun with her friends, and be a supportive boyfriend.

 

If she buys a piece and starts toking up all the time then you can worry, but until then, I don't see why this should affect your chances of settling down with this girl. Even husbands/wives and parents can cut loose once in a while, as long as they're generally responsible.

 

Don't be that over-controlling boyfriend :D

 

I don't want to be controlling, and I absolutely want to her have "her time", which is why I haven't said anything about these outings of hers. The behavior does kind of bother me, but it seems like if it's not more common/frequent, and she doesn't try to get me to participate, that I should just let it go, as everybody has something that you're not super keen about and as far as I know, it's not super dangerous, as long as she doesn't jump into a car afterwards and start driving.

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Vintage: Her behavior with alcohol worries me more than her 2-3 times of pot a year. The way you describe it once a month she goes on a drunken rampage and she likes her alcohol in between these parties too.

 

There is a difference between having wine at dinner often and getting drunk on hard liquor every week.

 

My ex-boyfriend had his beer night every Friday with his soccer bodies after the game. He was back home at 11 pm. I saw nothing wrong with it.

 

The question is would you qualify her drinking moderate and acceptable?

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I'd be really careful not to come off sounding like a dad, frankly.

 

She's an adult and it's not really your place to dictate what she can and cannot do when out with her friends. Unless her socializing is interfering with other aspects of her life, and you think she's got some serious substance abuse issues, I'd back way off.

 

She's out with her college friends every month or so, they're going to act like college friends together, big whoop. Are they robbing banks, shooting up heroin, picking up strange men? Nope. As long as she's being safe and not driving anywhere, it's none of your business.

 

Better she should go out and enjoy herself now while she CAN -- it's a lot harder to do this after you've started having kids.

 

Just my opinion. And the trend here in America seems to be for legalizing marijuana.... just saying. :)

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Although she may not be the most mature person on earth, I think a few times a year is not a major crime. And if she settles down and starts popping out babies, she's not going to have time for that nonsense anyway. I mean, let's be honest here, it's not like she's a crack whore! :laugh:

 

Nobody is perfect. Are you perfect?

 

By no means am I perfect - it's more a question of what's tolerable for me - I don't drug usage and I don't have the urge to go out and get drunk - so it's more a situation of me not understanding that urge/need/desire of hers, so I'm trying to figure out how to process it. As mentioned, she doesn't try to pull me into the behavior (yet), and everyone has faults...I get that.

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I'd be really careful not to come off sounding like a dad, frankly.

 

She's an adult and it's not really your place to dictate what she can and cannot do when out with her friends. Unless her socializing is interfering with other aspects of her life, and you think she's got some serious substance abuse issues, I'd back way off.

 

That's precisely why I haven't said anything - I want to her have her friend time. I don't think I'd really confront her about this directly and tell her to stop the behavior - it's more that I need to process it internally, figure out if I can deal with this behavior (and assume it won't change), and if I can't deal with it, just call it quits with her and move on. I'm not a fan of trying to change people - as truthfully, it usually doesn't work and the conversation would be damaging to what we have...hence posting here as opposed to just outright talking about it with her.

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I don't want to be controlling, and I absolutely want to her have "her time", which is why I haven't said anything about these outings of hers. The behavior does kind of bother me, but it seems like if it's not more common/frequent, and she doesn't try to get me to participate, that I should just let it go, as everybody has something that you're not super keen about and as far as I know, it's not super dangerous, as long as she doesn't jump into a car afterwards and start driving.

 

I think you're going about things well as you are. It's understandable to be concerned since this is someone you care about.

 

Marijuana isn't a hard drug though, it's impossible to overdose on, and is relatively harmless when used only occasionally. Alcohol CAN be overdosed on and is a lot more harmful to your body.

 

Regardless of which substance she is on, I hope she doesn't try and drive, but that's a totally separate issue.

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Why don't you date someone more straight edge like yourself? You sound really uptight, she parties once a month big whoop.

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Vintage: Her behavior with alcohol worries me more than her 2-3 times of pot a year. The way you describe it once a month she goes on a drunken rampage and she likes her alcohol in between these parties too.

 

There is a difference between having wine at dinner often and getting drunk on hard liquor every week.

 

My ex-boyfriend had his beer night every Friday with his soccer bodies after the game. He was back home at 11 pm. I saw nothing wrong with it.

 

The question is would you qualify her drinking moderate and acceptable?

 

Gaeta I was going to say it in a previous post, but I think you're projecting here. Once a month is NOT a huge issue. I get drunk probably more than once a month (sometimes), but I usually don't go overboard. I'm not an alcoholic and I'm very responsible.

 

 

 

OP you DO sound uptight, and I'm not suggesting you change for her... But just let her have her fun. Keep in mind its always good to be flexible and open-minded. Being closed-minded will get you nowhere with anybody.

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Why don't you date someone more straight edge like yourself? You sound really uptight, she parties once a month big whoop.

 

I usually do date more straight edged girls - this behavior didn't really become apparent until the ~second month (when we were seeing each other more frequently), and we really connected.

 

Regardless, I don't think I'd describe myself as uptight - more that I just don't understand the behavior as I haven't had to deal with it before, and I don't have those urges/needs/desires myself. I'm just trying to understand it, not necessarily condemn it. As mentioned, we do frequently have drinks (2-4), so it's not like we're walking around sober at that point. But if I'm projecting uptight, maybe there's something to it...

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I am curious about the in between monthly parties. You said:

 

..and while we do frequently have drinks, it's not to the point of being raging drunk

 

Do you feel she drinks in a moderate way? How is her drinking compared to yours?

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I usually do date more straight edged girls - this behavior didn't really become apparent until the ~second month (when we were seeing each other more frequently), and we really connected.

 

Regardless, I don't think I'd describe myself as uptight - more that I just don't understand the behavior as I haven't had to deal with it before, and I don't have those urges/needs/desires myself. I'm just trying to understand it, not necessarily condemn it. As mentioned, we do frequently have drinks (2-4), so it's not like we're walking around sober at that point. Moreover, if I feel I can't deal with it, I'll just break it off...so this process is really figuring out if I can deal with it.

 

Having 2-4 drinks is no different than smoking/vaping a bit of Weed, it's going to alter your state of mind. People will smoke weed in Social Settings just like having alcohol - its the same thing! It's perfectly normal for someone who isn't a habitual user of marijuana to have it once in a while if it's passed around in a social gathering. It's legal in several states for crying out loud.... :laugh:

 

Honestly you guys seem really different and I don't know how that will work out in the long term, but she seems to be very accepting of YOU, so if you can do the same for her, I think you guys could work things out. Have you ever thought about maybe joining her sometime and meeting her friends and trying to gain some perspective?

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I am curious about the in between monthly parties. You said:

 

..and while we do frequently have drinks, it's not to the point of being raging drunk

 

Do you feel she drinks in a moderate way? How is her drinking compared to yours?

 

She drinks a bit more than I do. If we're not together and I didn't go out, I'll frequently have one drink a night - with her, probably more (typically ~2, but sometimes up to 4).

 

I can tell you that before we meet, she's usually already had a glass of wine, and then she matches pace with me - so she's typically my number of drinks plus 1 for the night when we hang out.

 

Then it's a function of what you view as moderate - her drinking seems to be on the slightly heavier side of normal, but not ridiculous - it will usually take her 2 days to take down a bottle of wine if she's by herself, so we're not talking alcoholic.

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barcode88,

 

OP you DO sound uptight, and I'm not suggesting you change for her... But just let her have her fun. Keep in mind its always good to be flexible and open-minded. Being closed-minded will get you nowhere with anybody.

 

I don't agree. The OP isn't "uptight" he's demonstrating responsibility, so kudos to him. :)

 

The OP wants a GF who isn't still acting like a student/college person at 32 years of age. FFS some people have been married for 10 years and have kids at that age !

 

In some jobs/professions a positive test for drink or drugs is a sackable offence.

 

The thing that's wrong here isn't the OP's standards but his choice of GF and he may want to rethink that - sorry OP.

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She drinks a bit more than I do. If we're not together and I didn't go out, I'll frequently have one drink a night - with her, probably more (typically ~2, but sometimes up to 4).

 

I can tell you that before we meet, she's usually already had a glass of wine, and then she matches pace with me - so she's typically my number of drinks plus 1 for the night when we hang out.

 

Then it's a function of what you view as moderate - her drinking seems to be on the slightly heavier side of normal, but not ridiculous - it will usually take her 2 days to take down a bottle of wine if she's by herself, so we're not talking alcoholic.

 

That's a pretty normal amount in my opinion.

 

barcode88,

 

 

 

I don't agree. The OP isn't "uptight" he's demonstrating responsibility, so kudos to him. :)

 

The OP wants a GF who isn't still acting like a student/college person at 32 years of age. FFS some people have been married for 10 years and have kids at that age !

 

In some jobs/professions a positive test for drink or drugs is a sackable offence.

 

The thing that's wrong here isn't the OP's standards but his choice of GF and he may want to rethink that - sorry OP.

 

No - Look I get what you're trying to say... But I don't feel like once a month is over the top. I agree they don't seem like a match but I hardly feel like she's acting immature.

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Having 2-4 drinks is no different than smoking/vaping a bit of Weed, it's going to alter your state of mind. People will smoke weed in Social Settings just like having alcohol - its the same thing! It's perfectly normal for someone who isn't a habitual user of marijuana to have it once in a while if it's passed around in a social gathering. It's legal in several states for crying out loud.... :laugh:

 

Honestly you guys seem really different and I don't know how that will work out in the long term, but she seems to be very accepting of YOU, so if you can do the same for her, I think you guys could work things out. Have you ever thought about maybe joining her sometime and meeting her friends and trying to gain some perspective?

 

Thanks for the perspective on weed - as mentioned, it's not something I understand, so this helps.

 

Some of our behaviors are definitely different (i.e the topic of this thread), but other than that, we have a ton in common. So are we different? Yes. Are we extremely different? Probably not as much as this thread is making it appear.

 

That said, is she accepting of me? Absolutely, and I want to be towards her as well, which is why I'm trying to understand this behavior better - it's hard for me to accept something I don't understand.

 

Anyhow BarCode - I've met different friends of hers on maybe 3-4 occasions...the perspective kind of helped, but I'm still trying to figure it/her out.

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I don't want to be controlling, and I absolutely want to her have "her time", which is why I haven't said anything about these outings of hers. The behavior does kind of bother me, but it seems like if it's not more common/frequent, and she doesn't try to get me to participate, that I should just let it go, as everybody has something that you're not super keen about and as far as I know, it's not super dangerous, as long as she doesn't jump into a car afterwards and start driving.

 

She's a partier, you're not. Discuss this with her. I'd tell her what you're telling us. Everything you're saying sounds reasonable to me.

 

I do know quite a few couples that are mismatched in this way and they make it work. My friend's wife does this about once every month or two and they have three young kids. He'd do the same but he doesn't like to go out much and prefers staying home with the kids.

 

You have to accept this about her or it won't work and it will cause arguments in the future. Best to discuss it now before it becomes a bigger problem for you.

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