Boyfriend thinks we'll break up

[Tribble]

So I've been with my bf for about 6 months, but seeing each other for longer. Overall, the relationships been great, gone on holiday, dropped the L bomb, talked about moving in together and the future etc.

 

 

But, we have had a few bumps in the road. Mainly due to his insecurity and probably my lack of experience (this is my first proper relationship). When he gets drunk, his irrational thoughts break in and he thinks I can do better, resulting in him doing silly things. For example, just leaving my best friends birthday night out, without saying anything to anyone because 'I'd have a better time without him'. This is not the first time it's happened. We've argued about it and I've considered breaking up if he can't cope being with me but he always promises not to do it again. And on Friday, he did, despite me specifically saying he could get drunk if he wanted, but not to leave me.

 

 

Now we've talked it out and hopefully sorted it again. He knows I'm serious about not being able to handle him doing that. But when we were sorting it out he says that he thinks we will break up. If not now, in a couple of months. I don't see that, if I did, I'd break up now. And I don't want to be with someone who thinks we'll break up. What's the point? It'll end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. I told him that and this morning he said he doesn't feel that way any more. But is he just saying that to keep me for as long as he can? Any advise or is it over before it really began?

[d0nnivain]

The self fulfilling prophecy is real.

 

 

You are happy with him but he can't see it. He pulls these stupid stunts like leaving the party & it annoys you. His insecurities will eventually drive you away.

 

 

I'm pretty blunt so I would probably tell him he's right that if he keeps this up I will walk but the way to fix it is for him to work on his self esteem. Make him get into therapy. Otherwise you may end up proving him right because you can't live your life based on trying to prop up his non-existent self esteem.

[PegNosePete]

He is highly insecure and has zero self esteem.

 

It's extremely difficult to have a relationship with someone like this. Totally demoralizing for you. He needs to get it fixed otherwise it will destroy the relationship.

 

If it comes out more when he's drunk then he needs to stop drinking.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to be honest with yourself: he doesn't think you're serious about leaving him or he wouldn't have done it a second time. He's being very rude by just walking out. Full stop. To me, it also smells a bit manipulative. Did he expect you to follow him? Call him and affirm that you love him, etc? Where did he go when he left?

 

This doesn't bode well for the future. His problems with insecurity are his problems to fix, not yours. He's projecting it on you, though. Tell him to get help with this. If he doesn't, I can guarantee it won't last. And yes, him saying this morning that he suddenly feels differently is a way to keep you hanging on.

 

If there are already such problems (let's be real, these are bigger than "bumps") at only 6 months in, you need to proceed very carefully. It will get worse if he doesn't take steps to fix this immediately.

[Tribble]

I agree Expat, that's why I'm concerned. Especially this bit:

 

 

OP, you need to be honest with yourself: he doesn't think you're serious about leaving him or he wouldn't have done it a second time.

 

 

I really was going to break up with him, and I think he knows that. He's asked for one more chance, but how many one more chances do you give? I know (I hope!) this is the last one I'll have to give or that really will be it. But this time my friends talked me down. Together, we work. I can't explain it but we do. My friends have my best interests at heart and I hope they wouldn't advise me giving him one last chance if they didn't think it was worth it.

 

 

I have also worried about the manipulative thing, but I don't think he's doing it on purpose. He told me he was leaving and asked if it was OK. I said not really but I wasn't going to force him to stay if he didn't want to and he just walked off without saying anything to anyone else. He just went home.

 

 

My concern is it getting worse. I guess we need to have a talk about it again. I know it isn't my problem to fix but I just feel I should be able to do something to stop him being insecure. I'd be happy to help, I just don't know what steps he, or we can take. We're UK based so therapy isn't really the done thing, plus it's very much not cheap!

[Gaeta]

I would go see him and tell him I thought about everything and here it is: When you insinuate I will break up with you, you insult my intelligence and the love and commitment I have for you. If you bring it up one more time, next week, next month, in 10 years, I will do just that - break up. I will not be with a man that minimize and disrespect my level of commitment.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree Expat, that's why I'm concerned. Especially this bit:

 

 

 

 

 

I really was going to break up with him, and I think he knows that. He's asked for one more chance, but how many one more chances do you give? I know (I hope!) this is the last one I'll have to give or that really will be it. But this time my friends talked me down. Together, we work. I can't explain it but we do. My friends have my best interests at heart and I hope they wouldn't advise me giving him one last chance if they didn't think it was worth it.

 

 

I have also worried about the manipulative thing, but I don't think he's doing it on purpose. He told me he was leaving and asked if it was OK. I said not really but I wasn't going to force him to stay if he didn't want to and he just walked off without saying anything to anyone else. He just went home.

 

 

My concern is it getting worse. I guess we need to have a talk about it again. I know it isn't my problem to fix but I just feel I should be able to do something to stop him being insecure. I'd be happy to help, I just don't know what steps he, or we can take. We're UK based so therapy isn't really the done thing, plus it's very much not cheap!

 

You can't. Why? The insecurities were there before you. You can support him on his journey to better himself, but ultimately you can't stop it. That's like saying you can stop someone from having depression symptoms. Ultimately, it isn't something you have the power to do. This is also a big burden on your shoulders for such a young relationship. Be careful about this.

 

As far as therapy goes - if it's out of his reach financially, there are plenty of free online resources and library books he could delve into. He needs to get at the root causes of this; him rudely walking out is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

 

Does he want to put in the effort to resolve this? He claims his feelings have changed. I would be wary about that because it appears he doesn't get that he can't just sweep this under the rug. Make sure it's not you doing all the legwork here.

[barcode88]

You need to break up with him, he is insecure and has no self esteem. If he thinks you'll break up, you probably will. Dump the loser and move on.

[katiegrl]

I would go see him and tell him I thought about everything and here it is: When you insinuate I will break up with you, you insult my intelligence and the love and commitment I have for you. If you bring it up one more time, next week, next month, in 10 years, I will do just that - break up. I will not be with a man that minimize and disrespect my level of commitment.

 

Perfect response!!!

[Tribble]

Does he want to put in the effort to resolve this? He claims his feelings have changed. I would be wary about that because it appears he doesn't get that he can't just sweep this under the rug. Make sure it's not you doing all the legwork here.

 

He does want to change. I really do believe that. And he isn't trying to sweep it under the rug, he wants to talk about it and discuss my concerns. I'll be the first to admit though, I'm not very good at talking about stuff, that is one of my failings. And he's recognised that I can't do anything about it and that it is his issue. And he knows it's pushing me away, he just doesn't know how to fix it.

 

 

I don't think it's particularly fair to call him a loser. Everyone has their baggage and their issues. Granted, he isn't currently dealing with them very well, but I don't feel he should be punished for feeling insecure or called a loser.

 

 

I guess its a (rather uncomfortable) conversation tonight about it and see what he is willing to do to start to tackle the issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

He does want to change. I really do believe that. And he isn't trying to sweep it under the rug, he wants to talk about it and discuss my concerns. I'll be the first to admit though, I'm not very good at talking about stuff, that is one of my failings. And he's recognised that I can't do anything about it and that it is his issue. And he knows it's pushing me away, he just doesn't know how to fix it.

 

I don't think it's particularly fair to call him a loser. Everyone has their baggage and their issues. Granted, he isn't currently dealing with them very well, but I don't feel he should be punished for feeling insecure or called a loser.

 

 

I guess its a (rather uncomfortable) conversation tonight about it and see what he is willing to do to start to tackle the issues.

 

The loser comment may not be fair, I give you that. It's not constructive. But you do need to listen to the other advice. A lot of us are speaking from experience and have been around this block and know how this will end if you don't address it asap. You don't want to punish him for his insecurities - but remember that he is doing just that to you by rudely leaving you at a social function without a word. Out of curiosity, how old is he, and what is his relationship history like?

[kayla73]

He's very insecure, which will and seems to have already caused major problems in your relationship. He just needs to grown up to be honest.

 

If you really care about this guy, be prepared for this to go on for a long time. There is nothing you could say or do that is going to make him stop feeling this way. He just has no confidence.

 

The problem with resolving this is that anything you say he will overanalyze and change into a reason of why your relationship is doomed or why you don't want to be with him.

 

All you can really tell him is, "You are pushing me away with your own insecurities." That's the honest truth. If he doesn't change, you will drive yourself crazy. You may want take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to be with him. You want someone who is confident and who would do anything to make the relationship last and do anything to make you happy.

[smackie9]

His issues are not caused by you, nor are they yours to try and fix. Every time you have to try to convince him everything is ok, all you are doing is enabling his behavior. You need to stop it now. Next time you tell him that you are not going to play into his insecurities, because you shouldn't have constantly reassure him. Then walk away or tell him discussion is now over. He needs some tough love and grow the f up.

[preraph]

He's got quite a bit of work to do on himself before he's ready to accept love. I don't know if his problem is alcohol or low self-esteem or just being a spoiled brat who thinks he should always get his way, but I do know you'd be much better of without him because I imagine you're mature enough to realize by now that your love cannot fix him. In fact, in most cases, it will only enable him to get more bold in making further irrational demands.

[Buddhist]

Yes it's over. Anyone who relentlessly focuses on breaking up instead of being together has already checked out of the relationship, whether they consciously realise it or not.

[kendahke]

I would ask him why he so badly wants to break up with you, since all of this is coming from him and not you. Make him own it and make him do it.

 

I agree with Buddist--he's already checked out of this and is trying to make you do the heavy lifting so he doesn't have to sit with himself and being the "bad guy".

[Tribble]

Thank you for all the responses, I really do appreciate the feedback and insight from your past experiences.

 

 

He's 22 and been in a few long term past relationships. It probably doesn't help that I'm 26 so there is that difference. I never really see a maturity difference, except in this case.

 

 

We had a conversation about it last night. I do love him and want to be with him so I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet, but if actions don't come out of this conversation, I think that will be it. I don't deserve feeling this way. He doesn't deserve to feel the way he does either but I can't help or fix that.

 

 

I told him he had to work on his insecurities and change the way that he thinks. I acknowledge that everyone has insecurities and times of doubt but it's how he acts on them that's the problem. And if alcohol makes those thoughts worse, that maybe he should consider cutting back. I also talked to him about making comments about doing better than him and breaking up and that they aren't fair to me. He insists he's just joking but I explained it doesn't respect my feelings and shows he doesn't believe me when I tell him how I feel or that I love him. I can't constantly be reassuring him, he should believe me.

 

 

I guess the next couple of days or weeks will determine how successful that conversation has been and the future of our relationship. I don't know how well it went to be honest. He kept saying OK and thought we'd covered this the day before. Which we had, a bit of, I just needed to get it all out there. He just doesn't know how to change, and neither do I. It's about acknowledging but changing how you think. He says it's hard and that it might not work but he's willing to try.

 

 

For me, this is the last chance. If he isn't willing to put the work in, I wont be around any more. He needs to work on himself so he can be with anyone. I'll support him, no-one is perfect and Lord knows I have my issues that some people wouldn't put up with, but he has to be willing to try.

[PegNosePete]

Well done, I think you've done the right thing.

 

Now you have to be ready to pull the plug if things don't change. My motto is hope for the best, plan for the worst. Good luck!!

[Tribble]

Well done, I think you've done the right thing.

 

Now you have to be ready to pull the plug if things don't change. My motto is hope for the best, plan for the worst. Good luck!!

 

Thanks, I hope so! That's kind of how I do things too, so I guess we'll see whether the hope of the planning wins out in this situation!