Not ready for a relationship right now???

[scarlettohara]

Hello all,

 

This is a hard post for me to make. I know what some of you are going to say already, but need some clarity in digesting this.

 

I posted a few days ago about Facebook issues, and I wish this was the least of my worries.

 

Ive been dating my guy close to six months. He calls and texts pretty much daily, and we spend my days off together. We have told each other we care and have feelings, but from the beginning mutally agreed to take it slow and let things develop naturally.

 

I have flipped to the freak out mode because I guess I felt something wasnt right. Last night he told me he didnt think he was ready for a relationship right now. Of course, on paper...and if it wasnt me, Id know exactly what that means. Of course, it hurt my heart tremendously.

 

He stated that it was not impossible that we could move to that point. That he did NOT want to stop seeing me. That he liked me and knew I was a good person, blah blah.

 

Of course he has a lot going on in his life, but so do I. I have over the past couple of weeks offered outs for him in case he was staying out of obligation, or guilt, or etc, and he would not take it...even today when discussing the "I dont want a relationship right now".

 

First of all, this is not about sex. His libido does not match mine, and I seem to be the one to initiate alot. I can deal with all that...but the majority of our time together is spent talking, watchin tv, going out to eat, walks or hikes etc...

 

So, I am wondering...if this man knows I am developing feelings...and has dropped this bomb on me...why isnt he taking the inititive to end it?

Is he perhaps hoping I will end it?

 

When I got home from his place tonight, he texted a few times and even tried to call...I am hoping it is because he is concerned, but maybe he is worrying I will slit my wrists?

 

I guess what I am trying to ask is this: I know this is NOT good. But I am wondering what to do now. Of course I do not want to leave him; between all of us I have fallen in love. But I am worried he has really already made up his mind and the end result will be the same if I stay. I told him the same thing...he asked me to relax and see where it goes...

 

I have cried my head off tonight. he is not trying to break up so far but am wondering if I can stay with such uncertainty. Any thoughts woudl be appreciated. Please refrain from "you are a dumbass, please leave him." Easy for someone like that to say. lol

[h0000]

hey he is free to sleep with whoever. Now repeat that.

[PegNosePete]

Of course, on paper...and if it wasnt me, Id know exactly what that means.

Yes, indeed. And that is exactly what it means in your case too.

 

Of course I do not want to leave him; between all of us I have fallen in love.

Well, clearly he does not feel the same. He has told you that he does not want a relationship. Why he's still hanging around, I don't know. Maybe for the sex.

 

Please refrain from "you are a dumbass, please leave him." Easy for someone like that to say. lol

OK I will not say it. But you know it's what I, and probably most others, are thinking. He is clearly not committed to the relationship and has told you point blank that he does not want to be in it any more.

 

After a relationship of this length I would tell him that you will not be messed around like this. He is either in our out. It's time to sh** or get off the pan.

[scarlettohara]

Yes, indeed. And that is exactly what it means in your case too.

 

 

Well, clearly he does not feel the same. He has told you that he does not want a relationship. Why he's still hanging around, I don't know. Maybe for the sex.

 

 

OK I will not say it. But you know it's what I, and probably most others, are thinking. He is clearly not committed to the relationship and has told you point blank that he does not want to be in it any more.

 

After a relationship of this length I would tell him that you will not be messed around like this. He is either in our out. It's time to sh** or get off the pan.

 

Just a point here, he does NOT want to stop seeing me or dating, his words. He said he is not ready now. Also, not that it might be a point or not...but I pushed the conversation.

[Buddhist]

Woah. You're reading far too much into this and crediting him with feelings he probably doesn't have.

 

I'm not ready for a relationship = I'm not into you OR I only want commitment-free sex.

 

We could move to that point = I want commitment-free sex for as long as possible before you realise that I will never offer you a relationship.

 

Men don't stay out of guilt or obligation okay. They dump you the instant they're not into it, guilt-free. Trust me on this one.

 

If it's not about sex then you can probably add....I'm gay, into the mix of possible scenario's.

 

Relax and see how it goes = I have no intention of offering you what you want but I do want to see if I can get what I want out of it though.

 

I've refrained from telling you to leave him but I will throw this out there....there is close to no chance that you will get what you want from this scenario. Because in all honesty I believe that to be the truth of it.

[PegNosePete]

Yes I read that in your OP. But what does it matter? He plainly said that he does not want a relationship.

 

I would say there's a good chance there's someone else in the picture which is causing his confusion. Seems like he's prepping you for the "oh hey well I said I wasn't ready for a relationship that means we're not exclusive right...?" But that's just a hunch. Could be wrong. But saying this stuff after 6 months dating.... definitely not a good sign.

 

The guy is talking in contradictions. Like I said after 6 months it's time to sh** or get off the pan. If he doesn't want a relationship after 6 months then he never will.

[scarlettohara]

Thanks for replies so far, each and every one. I am in a world of hurt tonight. The hopeful side of me says he will think about it and talk with me about it this week...maybe with some more clarity. I am confused at the point that he does not want to "break up" and still wants to continue to see me. He has to know now that the subject has been breached, more than likely it will not go away. I am worried deeply that since I am going through a very rough time in life he continues to see me out of guilt, because he does have nice qualities. I dont know if I can walk away without melting down or always wondering what if? Even though I know in my heart this is not good.

[scarlettohara]

I have also told him if he has made up his mind already, as in about me that there will never be anything, that it has to come out and he has to break it off. I am worried if I stay, it will be painful and still end. I knwo things do not always work out in relationships as it is...but I was so hoping for the chance to simply have some definition and be his girlfriend.

[PegNosePete]

I dont know if I can walk away without melting down or always wondering what if?

Well, put it this way.

 

What if... if you stay with a guy who won't commit to you? You're staying in a crappy relationship that he's staying in out of guilt or just liking the sex or whatever and in 6 months or a year he's going to dump you or cheat on you anyway because he always said all along that he doesn't want a relationship. You're wasting your life and missing out on opportunities to meet honest, decent guys who would like a good, normal relationship with you.

 

What if... goes both ways. You only get one life. Don't waste it.

[Toodaloo]

Just a point here, he does NOT want to stop seeing me or dating, his words. He said he is not ready now. Also, not that it might be a point or not...but I pushed the conversation.

 

He is fudging his words.

 

Back off and leave him alone.

 

If you do that then you will know for sure if he does want to be with you or not.

 

If he does he will come back under sensible terms not just sex.

 

If he doesn't well thats OK too because you can go on and lead your life and have a grand time anyway.

 

Personally I think this kitten has been drowned already and you just need to bury it.

[h0000]

I think it's utterly selfish of him to say "I'd like to keep doing what we are doing but I don't want a relationship. I wan all the benefit of the relationship but not the commitment and responsibilities of a relationship. In the future I may change my mind, and you will still be there.But if I don't, hey I told ya". Yeah, good for him, got it all sorted out for himself.

Edited April 1, 2015 by h0000

[Buddhist]

I think it's utterly selfish of him to say "I'd like to keep doing what we are doing but I don't want a relationship. I wan all the benefit of the relationship but not the commitment and responsibilities of a relationship. In the future I may change my mind, and you will still be there.But if I don't, hey I told ya". Yeah, good for him, got it all sorted out for himself.

 

And many men the world over have no trouble at all being selfish in that exact way. The only real issue with it is that women hear....I don't want a relationship right now and interpret that as....I'm scared, fragile, worried about hurt or hurting you. Please help me stay in this relationship that I say I don't want but secretly do.

 

When that is not at all what those men meant. People hear what they want to hear, rarely what is actually being said.

[h0000]

And many men the world over have no trouble at all being selfish in that exact way. The only real issue with it is that women hear....I don't want a relationship right now and interpret that as....I'm scared, fragile, worried about hurt or hurting you. Please help me stay in this relationship that I say I don't want but secretly do.

 

When that is not at all what those men meant. People hear what they want to hear, rarely what is actually being said.

 

I think it's human nature to hear what they want to hear. After all truth is just to cruel to accept.

OP, get yourself all dolled up and hit the nicest club of the town. Get five guy's numbers, monday to friday. Give you 2 weeks you will forget about this one.

Another cruel truth of life is, when you bed enough guys, you just dont give a damn about your ex anymore.

[Gaeta]

Men are dead afraid of being alone so they remain in luckywarm relationship for the company and sex till they find what they consider better. He is simply filling a void by keeping you around.

 

My daughter dated a man under the same circumstances as you. A year later he broke up with her. While she was crying her little heart out he told her 'but I told you'.

 

If your guy does not want to commit after 6 months he will never. I bet you though down the road he will be committing pretty fast to someone else.

[xxoo]

He wants your company and companionship, but doesn't love you. He knows what it feels like to feel love, and will feel it with someone else in the future, but prefers to enjoy time with you now over being alone.

[kendahke]

but am wondering if I can stay with such uncertainty. Any thoughts woudl be appreciated. Please refrain from "you are a dumbass, please leave him." Easy for someone like that to say. lol

 

You're not a dumbass, but I believe that you are not accepting what he is saying to you.

 

If what you want is a boyfriend who commits to you in every way that validates a relationship, this guy ain't that guy and no amount of time spent hiking, watching tv or whatever else you two do is going to flip him into being that guy.

 

To me, he sounds like he wants the perks of relationship without the obligation of relationship. IOW--he doesn't want to have to answer to you about his whereabouts, who he's hanging with, what girl he's hanging with, what vacation he's taking without you. If you can accept all of this, be with him and be content and quiet, then keep to your path; but understand doing so means you've removed your "right" to complain to him that he's not acting the way you feel a boyfriend should act.

 

There is no magic pill you can give him to make him flip into being someone he's shown you he has no interest in being. None of us knows that recipe. Accept him as he is or don't and bounce. Those really are the only two things here that are in your control.

 

Actually, leaving him is the easy part. The decision to leave him is what is tripping you up. Which ever way you decide to go, do it for you, not to put a leash on him.

[kendahke]

I dont know if I can walk away without melting down or always wondering what if? Even though I know in my heart this is not good.

 

Do you know if you want to wake up 10 years from now in the exact same place you are right now, but 10 years of your youth is forever gone?

 

Invest your youth wisely--it is the one commodity that does not replenish.

[MargaretSanchez72]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. I know how it feels and it can really drive a woman insane and it hurts so deep that we don't know how to function. I went thought this several times in my own life and recently just last month but I got him back.

 

To begin with, my man said exactly the same thing to me. That he doesn't want to sto seeing me but he cannot give me what I want. And when a guy says that, what he really means is that his freedom is more important to him than the relationship with you. That he is not sure that you are The One for him. But men, even though they have said that many times over to women, have realized how much a woman means to them, and have gone back. This is the most crucial stage - right after a breakup. What you say and do now will determine how he will react. Either he forgets about you and falls for another girl or he misses you so much that he comes begging for you to be exclusively his. I know you prefer the latter.

 

Thing is, I actually know what to do and say and behave to get men to fall madly in love with me. But see, sometimes, you fail and you make mistakes, so you lose your guy. But the minute I pulled myself together and used these secret age old secrets to get him back, they worked like magic. It took 3 weeks to have him come begging for me and for him to profess his undying love for me. And it always amazes me how simple it is. It is a shift in perspective. You need to empower yourself. After a breakup all kinds of insecurities come up and we feel unattractive, our self esteem is shot down, we feel unlovable and all. See, the hard part is staying on track. Once you get the ball rolling and you get your act together, you need to apply a few secret strategies to win him back so he starts missing you. There are many tools now with the internet and mobile devices we have but you need to know exactly how to use them to get him back. Make,one wrong post on FB for instance and this could turn him off and reaffirm that he is better off without you.

 

Then when you two get back together, you need to work on getting him to initiate sex. A man doesn't feel attracted to a woman when he doesn't imitate the sex. It isn't bec you aren't attractive, but because you don't know how yet to awaken that desire in him. It is very detailed and it needs some working on your end...

[kendahke]

^^Utter hogwash! Forcing a fit never works. You cannot sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in. All that ends up happening is that the woman's self esteem sustains an unforced error because she chose to hear what she wanted to hear instead of listening to what was being said.

 

OP has already said that his libido doesn't match hers and sex is not the issue.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for replies so far, each and every one. I am in a world of hurt tonight. The hopeful side of me says he will think about it and talk with me about it this week...maybe with some more clarity. I am confused at the point that he does not want to "break up" and still wants to continue to see me. He has to know now that the subject has been breached, more than likely it will not go away. I am worried deeply that since I am going through a very rough time in life he continues to see me out of guilt, because he does have nice qualities. I dont know if I can walk away without melting down or always wondering what if? Even though I know in my heart this is not good.

 

You are hoping with some clarity, he will come to realize he *does* want a relationship with you?

 

Well, he is not gonna gain that clarity, while you're hanging around hoping for it.

 

The ONLY way for him to gain that clarity is if you WALK AWAY. And stay away, no contact whatsoever.

 

Then and only then will he have a chance to "think about things.". He will either miss you or he won't! He will either realize what you mean to him and the positive things you bring to his life....or he won't! He will either realize he *does* want a relationship with you or he won't!

 

Often times, it takes a woman WALKING AWAY (no contact!!)...for him to realize his feelings and what he wants.

 

If he does not realize these things while you are gone... you are STILL better off walking away because as things stand now, you are unhappy and hurting, and HE gets to have a companion to hang out with AND someone to have no strings sex with.

 

Your call....

[katiegrl]

I have also told him if he has made up his mind already, as in about me that there will never be anything, that it has to come out and he has to break it off. I am worried if I stay, it will be painful and still end. I knwo things do not always work out in relationships as it is...but I was so hoping for the chance to simply have some definition and be his girlfriend.

 

Why leave it up to HIM to break it off? Why is this HIS decision?

 

What, YOU are not capable of taking control of YOUR life and making the decision?

 

It's YOUR life (and heart)...not his!

 

He is not responsible for your life, your happiness and your well being... YOU are!

 

YOU need to break it off. You need to take care of you!

[d0nnivain]

You like him so you want to think with your heart. But you are a smart woman so you know you have to think with your head.

 

 

You said yourself, you know what advice you would give somebody else. So take your own advice as hard as that is.

 

 

He doesn't want to break up because right now this is easy for him. You are there. You are giving him sex when he wants it (but not as often as you want it) and companionship. He doesn't have to try.

 

 

If the sex was phenomenal & the other stuff wasn't hurting you, I might tell you to enjoy the FWB aspects while you search for a new BF but since staying hurts you in the long run, you have to make some decisions. You can stick around but you are kidding yourself if you think he's going to change his mind. Read the pop psychology book He's Just Not That Into You. When you are done, you should have a better handle on the best course of action for you.

[MargaretSanchez72]

And a lot of the time it can feel like the guy you're dating (or the guys you used to date) are absolutely TERRIFIED to PLEDGE themselves to you, with 100% of their heart, body, and soul…

 

But here's the shocking secret:

 

Men actually HUNGER for a committed, loving, devoted relationship…

 

With the RIGHT woman.

 

He would gladly get down on one knee and pledge his life to the one woman who makes him feel a burning, irresistible, and overwhelming NEED to stay by her side forever, to be there for her always, to jealously guard her from all other men…

 

So why aren't more men committing in relationships?

 

Because most women simply do not understand how to trigger his "commitment instinct" and make him desperate to commit!

[Rko28]

I feel for you OP, ive been on the receiving end of what you are experiencing and I know its not nice.

 

The best solution, as has already been mentioned, is go no contact and walk away, if he comes back then its up to you to decide if you want him in your life again, not his.

 

Going no contact is to help you heal and not get them back although im pretty sure 9/10 the other person will want to come back.

 

I know NC is a lot easier said than done but believe me it works.

 

Good luck

[MargaretSanchez72]

No Contact really works on the onset. But there is more that can be done to not leave it to chance. I'm at work now so I cannot go into detail but we can talk later if you want when I'm off work.