How much texting is too much?

[edgygirl]

Met this great guy a couple weeks ago, late 40s, we already went on a date and have another one planned.

 

He's a lawyer and as I have dated one last year I know they are quite busy. Thing is he texts me quite a lot and thorough the day including work hours. I am between jobs so I don't really mind but I keep wondering if it sounds healthy or if it's too much intimacy too fast. Not to mention their fee is around $500/hour and I hope his clients are not being charged that while he texts me

 

Can it be considered relatively normal to be texting the whole day a person you met recently? I know he appreciates my intelligence and even shares work stuff with me as he likes my opinions, but I'm wondering if it's one of those cases where things are going too fast and will crash and burn.

 

What's acceptable texting frequency? (this question is intended for men who do like communicating between dates, as I know a few here who prefer to communicate logistically, only to set dates).

[d0nnivain]

Believe it or not, lawyers have a lot of down time. They can spend hours waiting around in court for their case to be called.

 

 

Plus the "beauty" of the billable hour is that it's based on 6 minutes or 1/10 of an hour. If a lawyer talks to you for 2 minutes you get a bill for 1/10 of an hour. The lawyer then has 4 minutes to do whatever. . . like text a new SO

[writergal]

Met this great guy a couple weeks ago, late 40s, we already went on a date and have another one planned.

 

Can it be considered relatively normal to be texting the whole day a person you met recently? ...but I'm wondering if it's one of those cases where things are going too fast and will crash and burn.

 

What's acceptable texting frequency? (this question is intended for men who do like communicating between dates, as I know a few here who prefer to communicate logistically, only to set dates).

 

As a woman who doesn't like texting based on prior online dating experience with chronic texters, I respond to your question with my own experience as proof that too much texting that soon is a red flag. I posted about a guy I met here who blew up my cellphone with daily phone calls that lasted a couple of hours each, and daily texts...all before we were supposed to meet.

 

We never did meet. I let him build what I refer to as false emotional intimacy with me via the long phone calls and cute texts, because it was all fantasy that he created and I believed since we never met. He would give me lame excuses why he had to post-pone meeting and the day we were supposed to finally meet in person he texted me that he had the flu and had to cancel, with no future date reschduled.

 

When I called his cellphone to find out if that was true, my call conveniently went straight to his phone's voicemail. Well, I was pretty upset for the way he led me on (the way I allowed him to lead me on as long as he did). So I deleted his number. Yet two weeks later he texts me late at night asking if I am awake, blah blah blah and want to chit chat. That proved to me he was just in dire need of a virtual ego boost from a woman he never had any intention of meeting in person. Never again.

 

So, to answer your question, yes it's too much texting for your lawyer guy to be doing every day before you've established a romantic relationship offline for a while. It's only been 2 weeks. You are complete strangers. He is building false emotional intimacy with you and using you to kill time, by texting you. He's coming on too strong, too fast, too soon. He needs to stop texting you and take you on on dates and slow the heck down on the texting. It's a huge red flag that he's texting you so much. He must not be a very good lawyer either, as I have a lot of lawyers in my family and none of them have that kind of down time. They're either in meetings, with clients, buried up to their neck reading and writing briefs or in court in front of a jury and judge. Their wives don't even see or hear from them as much as your 2 week lawyer guy texts you, and these women have been married to my cousins for years and see their children more than their husbands.

 

Tell him to back off on the texting. It's not real intimacy. Real intimacy is developed from the time you spend with each other in person.

[angel.eyes]

Most guys I date are big communicators. Especially during the first month, we spend a lot of time texting when we can't call. As long as you both enjoy it, don't worry about the details. Focus instead on whether he has the attributes you need in a boyfriend...I'm assuming you're looking for a relationship.

[fitnessfan365]

Haha.. The idea of a $500 an hour lawyer bilking his clients for his texting habits is kind of funny. If the texting frequency is daily but it's a few texts a piece spread out that's fine. But if he is texting you all through out the day on a daily basis, that sounds like a bit much and early warning signs of clingy behavior.

 

If you two have another date planned, why not just save the majority of interaction for in person?

[piggyoink]

It must be cultural thing that people in the US do not text as much?

 

Take this company(equivalent to tmobile in the US) as an example- EVERY plan they have includes unlimited text/picture/video messages to any country.

 

Plans | Shop | Fido.ca

[edgygirl]

Thanks everyone -- interesting perspectives!

 

I just counted and yesterday was probably our record - about 50 interactions throughout the day. I didn't count per message but kind of back between texts and back and forth interactions.

 

I am enjoying it but I told him he's lucky I'm not working because I won't be able to text this much when I am back to work. It was kind of a hint trying to understand how he can text so much but I don't think he got it lol.

[fitnessfan365]

Thanks everyone -- interesting perspectives!

 

I just counted and yesterday was probably our record - about 50 interactions throughout the day. I didn't count per message but kind of back between texts and back and forth interactions.

 

I am enjoying it but I told him he's lucky I'm not working because I won't be able to text this much when I am back to work. It was kind of a hint trying to understand how he can text so much but I don't think he got it lol.

 

Holy crap! Fifty texts a piece in one day is a lot. Since my GF is busy at work and I'm training clients through out the day, we'd be lucky to swap 2-3 a piece. I'm actually surprised that a $500 an hour lawyer has that much free time.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks everyone -- interesting perspectives!

 

I just counted and yesterday was probably our record - about 50 interactions throughout the day. I didn't count per message but kind of back between texts and back and forth interactions.

 

I am enjoying it but I told him he's lucky I'm not working because I won't be able to text this much when I am back to work. It was kind of a hint trying to understand how he can text so much but I don't think he got it lol.

 

Par for the course at the outset. It will die down to a more sustainable number in a month or two.

[sportygirl89]

If you do not actually speak in public. My ex and I texted mostly because it was long distance. When he moved here we had little to talk about. Next relationship I'll be doing minimal texting.

[Strength in Healing]

Texting is best kept at a MINIMUM -- VERYYYY minimum. You want to text to set up dates, otherwise stick to talking on the phone.

[angel.eyes]

Typically, dates and I will text, have long at least daily phone calls, and date pretty frequently. We've never been at a loss for things to discuss or ways to make each other laugh. It just depends on people's personalities and preferences.

[Strength in Healing]

This is laughable. if she isn't in to you she will count the texts like he's texting too much. if she is the more the better.

 

I'd love to compare resumes, see which one of us know more about what they're doing lol.

[fitnessfan365]

This is laughable. if she isn't in to you she will count the texts like he's texting too much. if she is the more the better.

 

I actually agree with Strength in Healing. Acting like a woman's texting buddy/therapist is the fastest way to the friend zone. It's definitely a better idea to save the majority of interaction for dates, and use brief phone calls like 5-10 minutes to touch base and plan future dates.

 

Don't get me wrong. Texting can be great to exchange playful banter and build rapport from time to time. Also, if both people can't talk on the phone at work, exchanging a few texts during the day if you're already seeing each other is fine. But texting marathons are never a good idea. Subconsciously, it tells a woman that you don't have much else going on and are over eager to talk to her which is a turn off. I mean look at the OP for example. She says that she is enjoying it, but she still posted a thread expressing doubts about it because deep down she knows that something is off.

[edgygirl]

lol I unfortunately see your point. Still, I like him texting.

 

I mean look at the OP for example. She says that she is enjoying it, but she still posted a thread expressing doubts about it because deep down she knows that something is off.

 

I only counted because I wanted to give you guys an idea of the frequency... I am not that crazy

 

This is laughable. if she isn't in to you she will count the texts like he's texting too much. if she is the more the better.

[Price2Play]

Yes, I ran into this recently! I don't mind a few back and forth text while getting to know someone but there is a line. I'm more with fitness and strength.

 

The woman I was getting to know was just way to over the top for me. I'm pretty sure she might have been on the rebound? Who knows...

 

She was just way to demanding for me. Sorry sweetie but I have deadlines, meetings to attend, phone calls to make when I am at work. I think it's a good flag/judgement call as they might be rebounding and I want none of that. No Thanks!

[katiegrl]

Believe it or not, lawyers have a lot of down time. They can spend hours waiting around in court for their case to be called.

 

 

Plus the "beauty" of the billable hour is that it's based on 6 minutes or 1/10 of an hour. If a lawyer talks to you for 2 minutes you get a bill for 1/10 of an hour. The lawyer then has 4 minutes to do whatever. . . like text a new SO

 

Don't know where you ever got the idea lawyers have a lot of down time. I have been a paralegal for 10 years and the lawyers I have worked with, and currently work with, are stressed to the max working to meet their annual quota of billable hours ..which range anywhere from 1800 hours to 2300 hours per year.

 

There are motions and other pleadings to draft, serve, file, and oppose, discovey to prepare and respond to, agreements to draft, clients to update, opposing counsel to negotiate with, letters to write, research to conduct, depositions to attend, etc etc etc.

 

In fact, very little time is spent in court compared to everything else they are required to do.

 

That said, texting or email is a diversion, and speaking personally I can be working on formatting a motion, or anything else, and responding to an email pretty much simultaneously.

 

Flexibility and the ability to switch hats is pretty much a necessity in the legal profession.

 

So I can definitely see how he could exchange 50 texts with you throughout any given day.

 

As I said, it's a much needed diversion in this business!

[GemmaUK]

I just counted and yesterday was probably our record - about 50 interactions throughout the day. I didn't count per message but kind of back between texts and back and forth interactions.

 

 

My now ex used to text anywhere between 20-50 times a day and wanted at least one long call every day - it's one of the reasons he is now my ex.

His texting never did slow down for any length of time, only the odd day or so every week over the 7 months we were together.

I didn't think that solely that was a reason to break up but in hindsight it was a big warning sign which I ignored.

He was in his early forties.

 

 

He used to have to know what I was doing each moment of the day, who I was with, where I was.

If I had a meeting with a male colleague he would ask who and what their name was (I realised later that he was obviously looking these people up n my friends list on FB).

 

 

He didn't like me communicating with anyone else but him and if I mentioned having spoken to or interacted with another person in anyway he wanted to know what we talked about.

It became easier to either never tell him I had communicated with anyone or just not to communicate.

 

 

If your guy is wanting to know your every move then - be aware.

If he is asking who is so and so whenever you mention someone - be aware.

(both of these things are controlling and are isolation tactics to make sure you have as little contact with anyone else as possible.)

If he starts saying ILY - be aware.

If he starts talking of future moving in plans or marriage - be aware.

 

 

 

 

He may just be into you and over excited which will calm down.

[edgygirl]

@katiegrl - thanks that makes total sense. I can imagine someone going crazy in this field without some diversion between claims, briefs, drafts, motions. Indeed he's not in court much, he's in one of those big law firms.

 

Don't know where you ever got the idea lawyers have a lot of down time. I have been a paralegal for 10 years and the lawyers I have worked with, and currently work with, are stressed to the max working to meet their annual quota of billable hours ..which range anywhere from 1800 hours to 2300 hours per year.

 

There are motions and other pleadings to draft, serve, file, and oppose, discovey to prepare and respond to, agreements to draft, clients to update, opposing counsel to negotiate with, letters to write, research to conduct, depositions to attend, etc etc etc.

 

In fact, very little time is spent in court compared to everything else they are required to do.

 

That said, texting or email is a diversion, and speaking personally I can be working on formatting a motion, or anything else, and responding to an email pretty much simultaneously.

 

Flexibility and the ability to switch hats is pretty much a necessity in the legal profession.

 

So I can definitely see how he could exchange 50 texts with you throughout any given day.

 

As I said, it's a much needed diversion in this business!

[edgygirl]

Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to relax about this and go with the flow.

 

I've asked the same question on a forum of people with his Myers Briggs personality type, and most said that although they're mega introverted they do text a lot in the beginning if they like a person, to get to know them and see if the person would be worth more of their time. They also said it's mostly in the beginning, say 3-4 months, and then things fall into place.

 

We basically tell each other what are we up to and there's some sarcastic banter too. He likes telling me work stuff as he considers me intelligent apparently and thinks I get stuff

 

I don't think the frequent texting is necessarily a bad thing. The only thing that's bad is that I get used to this kind of thing and then when he doesn't text for many hours I miss it, lol. I usually don't like when guys only contact me to book dates and nothing else, it's like they don't want to get to know me and are only interested in dating / physical stuff. I want a guy who is interested in my brain and perhaps them trying to get to know me in writing shows they are. Hopefully

[Redhead14]

Met this great guy a couple weeks ago, late 40s, we already went on a date and have another one planned.

 

He's a lawyer and as I have dated one last year I know they are quite busy. Thing is he texts me quite a lot and thorough the day including work hours. I am between jobs so I don't really mind but I keep wondering if it sounds healthy or if it's too much intimacy too fast. Not to mention their fee is around $500/hour and I hope his clients are not being charged that while he texts me

 

Can it be considered relatively normal to be texting the whole day a person you met recently? I know he appreciates my intelligence and even shares work stuff with me as he likes my opinions, but I'm wondering if it's one of those cases where things are going too fast and will crash and burn.

 

What's acceptable texting frequency? (this question is intended for men who do like communicating between dates, as I know a few here who prefer to communicate logistically, only to set dates).

 

he texts me quite a lot and thorough the day including work hours. I am between jobs so I don't really mind -- the bold part is the important part.

[fitnessfan365]

I usually don't like when guys only contact me to book dates and nothing else, it's like they don't want to get to know me and are only interested in dating / physical stuff. I want a guy who is interested in my brain and perhaps them trying to get to know me in writing shows they are. Hopefully

 

It's interesting. My view points have changed over time. I used to take Corey Wayne's advice. You contact women for dates keeping it short and sweet. Then you get off the phone, and let her initiate communication between dates. Otherwise, you talk in person. But when a woman feels ignored, she over compensates by blowing up your phone. So you're essentially training her to be a clingy stalker.

 

I've actually found that when I do all the initiating (with plenty of space) it actually trains a woman to respect my space too. Since she knows she'll hear from me once and awhile, she doesn't feel the need to constantly call and text me. I like to call a woman the day after a date to reminisce and plan the next one. Then 2-3 days of radio silence. I've got my own life and it actually allows her to miss me a bit. The day before the date, I'll shoot her a quick text to touch base and exchange a handful with her. Since I genuinely like talking to her, I don't mind a bit of communication between dates. However, I'm not smothering her which allows her attraction to remain high, and she doesn't get clingy because she knows I'll be in touch from time to time.

Edited April 1, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[edgygirl]

Thanks for the input, fitnessfan. It gives me a perspective that is different than my own style of dating, so I appreciate it

 

Unfortunately I am known to get less excited by men who are too into me, so maybe your style would surprisingly work better with me although in theory I don't like men who poof for a few days, it makes me anxious and I start wondering if they are into me for real.

 

Guess I have to do some thinking about this subject

 

It's interesting. My view points have changed over time. I used to take Corey Wayne's advice. You contact women for dates keeping it short and sweet. Then you get off the phone, and let her initiate communication between dates. Otherwise, you talk in person. But when a woman feels ignored, she over compensates by blowing up your phone. So you're essentially training her to be a clingy stalker.

 

I've actually found that when I do all the initiating (with plenty of space) it actually trains a woman to respect my space too. Since she knows she'll hear from me once and awhile, she doesn't feel the need to constantly call and text me. I like to call a woman the day after a date to reminisce and plan the next one. Then 2-3 days of radio silence. I've got my own life and it actually allows her to miss me a bit. The day before the date, I'll shoot her a quick text to touch base and exchange a handful with her. Since I genuinely like talking to her, I don't mind a bit of communication between dates. However, I'm not smothering her which allows her attraction to remain high, and she doesn't get clingy because she knows I'll be in touch from time to time.

[edgygirl]

I guess I was trying to say that if I were working (I am usually pretty busy when I do) I couldn't be texting so much during work hours

 

he texts me quite a lot and thorough the day including work hours. I am between jobs so I don't really mind -- the bold part is the important part.

[fitnessfan365]

Thanks for the input, fitnessfan. It gives me a perspective that is different than my own style of dating, so I appreciate it

 

Unfortunately I am known to get less excited by men who are too into me, so maybe your style would surprisingly work better with me although in theory I don't like men who poof for a few days, it makes me anxious and I start wondering if they are into me for real.

 

Guess I have to do some thinking about this subject

 

Haha.. Well it's that anxious feeling of wonder aka "the spark" that's making you feel attracted and miss the guy. So that's why it's effective. Besides, the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" exists for a reason. For me, it's not about being intentionally aloof though. I just have other stuff going on in my life, and am not a big fan of phone interaction. But I think a bit from time to time is good to keep communication up between dates.

 

However, I find it interesting that you hate when a guy is too into you, but you don't seem to mind 50 texts in one day. Personally, I think that qualifies as needy and clingy behavior. Although let's be honest. On a subconscious level you know something feels off about it since you started the thread asking about how much texting is too much.

Edited April 1, 2015 by fitnessfan365