Why Do I Feel Like A Loser? Was She Being Nice?

[CalmandCarryOn]

Background

*Last October I tried talking to a girl that I liked. Our first coffee meet-up went really well (lasted almost 3 hours)

*Reached out to her again to go out to dinner, she agreed but then later backed out because of homework and later plans.

*Tried again a few weeks later and she thanked me for the invite but said she had homework and plans with friends.

*Christmas break hit and I tried talking with her, but it didn't work. She didn't seem to want to have a conversation.

*Decided to stop trying and when we got back from Christmas break she reached out to me and wanted to hear about my time during it and how i was doing. We had a few really good conversations from there and I guess I read her signs wrong (a couple times she'd stop to talk with me, or when she'd see me change direction to talk to me)

*I finally told her that how much I respected her and would like to get know her more this semester. She agreed, but said just as friends. Crushed, I worked to just move on.

*One day I was walking towards my dorm and she was behind and called my name and literally rushed up to ask how I was doing and such. A couple other times I'd be reading a book on campus, or looking down focusing on homework and she'd walk by and stop to ask me how I'm doing and updates on things i'd been working on.

*We hit another break and hadn't really bumped into each other for a couple weeks. Very little to no contact.

 

WHY I FEEL LIKE A LOSER

*Last week out of the blue, I got a message from her of an article she shared and thought I'd might like (it was related to a cause i'm pretty passionate about)

*I thought, "Well, I don't have anything to lose - might as well give it one more chance" and asked her out to get a milkshake where I could discuss more of what i've learned relating to the article and my passion. To my surprise, she said "Sure, that would be great!" We scheduled a time and ay.

*The other day I picked her up and we went to get the milkshakes. We ended up having a great conversation (I didn't even get to share what i planned to until at least over a hour into arriving at our destination). We ended up talking for about 2 hours before she had to head back to campus, but then the waitress brought out a single receipt instead of a split one. She had trouble getting her money out, so I covered.

*On the way back home as we were pulling into campus she asked me if i had achieved everything on my bucket-list for college (I graduate in a couple weeks, she has one more year). I shared how everything was scratched off and there was nothing else. THEN, catching me off-guard she mentioned that she was going swing dancing in a couple weeks. She shared her best friend was going with another guy and her other friend was going with the girl he was with, and invited me to come along with them since she remembered me sharing i enjoyed swing dancing in the past. The date that they were all going down I had a prior commitment with my job, so sadly had to decline.

 

Was she just being nice in asking me to go? I feel like a loser.

[barcode88]

Sounds like a friendly get-together, I think you're still rooted in the friendzone for sure.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm not sure why women continue to initiate social connections with men they know are heavily into them but they have no interest in?

 

It's not right, and it's selfish.

 

If you are a MATURE and KIND person, you will ask "We're just going to hang out as friends. I want to make SURE you're ok with that."

[Gary S]

The key is in the beginning, she turned you down several times for dates. Women who are romantically interested in you don't turn down dates, they want to see you.

 

Date other women.

[PogoStick]

She friendzoned you, and you agreed to those terms.

 

You didn't ask her on a date, you asked her to discuss an article. When you asked her out for a shake it was under friendly pretense. Why can't she ask you out as a friend too?

 

That being said, what's wrong with having a female friend? If you were smart you'd make her your really good friend who will then help you meet other women.

 

Ask her to make you over and set you up. Going dancing would be a great move, but I doubt you can contain your feelings and work towards the bigger picture.

[JuneJulySeptember]

She friendzoned you, and you agreed to those terms.

 

You didn't ask her on a date, you asked her to discuss an article. When you asked her out for a shake it was under friendly pretense. Why can't she ask you out as a friend too?

 

That being said, what's wrong with having a female friend? If you were smart you'd make her your really good friend who will then help you meet other women.

 

Ask her to make you over and set you up. Going dancing would be a great move, but I doubt you can contain your feelings and work towards the bigger picture.

 

 

 

That's not smart at all. The guy is obviously smitten with her.

 

If he were Joe Cool and he let the rejection slide off his back like water, then he's already hitting on other women as well as the girl's friends/sister/mother and he's not here posting about a woman who rejected him.

Edited April 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[h0000]

Why is her being friendly with you making you feel like a loser???????

[angel.eyes]

She declined your dates and when you said you wanted to get to know her better, she told you that you would just be friends, nothing more. That's precisely where you are, and this is what friendship looks like--excitedly discussing interesting articles and topics over midday milkshakes, friendly interactions, and fun group activities. No dates! She repeatedly turned those down when you tried at the beginning.

 

Let's face it, you don't really want to be her friend. You agreed hoping things would change. So, it's on you for sticking around and pointlessly trying after she explicitly slapped the "just friends, nothing more" label on you. She's made it crystal clear that dating wouldn't be an option. Cut the cord and try with another woman at your school. Until you do, you will continue to feel like an inadequate loser (your term, not mine). There is no fairytale ending or pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. Move on to a new path if you want to have a girlfriend.

Edited April 1, 2015 by angel.eyes

[Mrin]

OP: you shouldn't feel like a loser. But you shouldn't hold out hope of a romantic interest from her.

 

I go back and forth on whether she's cruel and just using the OP for an ego stroke. Or whether she genuinely digs the OP as a friend (only) and it is the OP's ongoing desire for her that's the culprit. From what I can tell she's rejected the OP two or three times. The two dinner invites - but that's just normal. No, and no, because... It is the possible third rejection that I don't fully get. The one that happened after Christmas break where he read her signs wrong.

 

Was that an actual rejection? Or did he just get his hopes up and nothing came of it. To me that's the pivotal moment as to whether she's being cruel.

[barcode88]

When I was young and naïve, I held out for a younger girl who friendzoned me. Now I'm older and wiser and know better.

 

OP obviously you're very taken by the thought of having a shot with this girl... I'll tell you that for your own good, you should not attempt to be friends with this girl OR try and get out of the friendzone. It won't work.

[CalmandCarryOn]

When I was young and naïve, I held out for a younger girl who friendzoned me. Now I'm older and wiser and know better.

 

OP obviously you're very taken by the thought of having a shot with this girl... I'll tell you that for your own good, you should not attempt to be friends with this girl OR try and get out of the friendzone. It won't work.

 

Why not even be friends?

 

Also clarification on the dance event - her friend and other guy are talking to each other, the other is married, which leaves her single. There are plenty of other guys, so why ask me? Especially if not interested. Does that make sense? Am I the only one grabbing the wrong signals in this situation?

[Strength in Healing]

That being said, what's wrong with having a female friend? If you were smart you'd make her your really good friend who will then help you meet other women.

 

Meh. Million ways to meet women when you're confident (even the grocery store).

 

Having a female friend is ALWAYS a mistake and a burden (even proven in psychology that platonic opposite sex friendships are a burden). And useless. I've told countless women to their faces that I don't have female friends, and if I'm talking to you, there's a reason.

 

They all seemed to appreciate and dig the honesty and confidence.

 

I will get female friends the same day I pull a Bruce Jenner and want to become Brucette.

 

Not interested in your guy problems, shopping, that "hideous" outfit the other girl was wearing, Pretty Little Liars, etc.

Edited April 3, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[CalmandCarryOn]

Meh. Million ways to meet women when you're confident (even the grocery store).

 

Having a female friend is ALWAYS a mistake and a burden (even proven in psychology that platonic opposite sex friendships are a burden). And useless. I've told countless women to their faces that I don't have female friends, and if I'm talking to you, there's a reason.

 

They all seemed to appreciate and dig the honesty and confidence.

 

I will get female friends the same day I pull a Bruce Jenner and want to become Brucette.

 

Not interested in your guy problems, shopping, that "hideous" outfit the other girl was wearing, Pretty Little Liars, etc.

 

Not sure if I agree..

[ZA Dater]

Having read the opening post a few times, I really can sympathise with you in many, many ways.

 

That feeling you have is really not a nice one but I think you should see some positive in it, she wanted to see you, even if on a friend zone basis, to me that's positive though others may not agree.

 

You are now apparently in fairly regular contact with her, again that's a positive. The fact she thought about you and invited you to the event, again that's positive.

 

The significant hurtful negative is she isn't interested in dating, speaking for myself here that for me would be a crushing disappointment but it would be far worse if she didn't want anything to do with you.

 

Having been in similar positions, very recently and many times in the past the only advice I can offer is, hang in there, try and focus on other things and as hard as it is, try not to be too hard on yourself.