How do I express these things to my boyfriend without being naggy/emasculating him?

[stateofgrace]

I'll keep the back story fairly short because the rest will be long I think...Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. Our relationship has always been very good, no fights (just harmless arguments that were resolved very shortly after), amazing sex life with LOTS of passion and intensity, he is a self-proclaimed man of few words, however he always managed to do and say such sweet things to make me feel special, made me feel wanted and needed, and vice versa. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm an emotional person, I love to love the people around me, my boyfriend, friends, family, etc. Probably to a fault I'm realizing lately.

 

So, we've been living together for a month now. I'm not naive, I knew things would change, and we discussed that before we decided to do it. He was so sure that this would make our relationship stronger, more in depth, keep us closer, etc. His words. I totally agreed, I just said I want to make sure we are concious about not taking each other for granted, make sure we still have date nights and all that, I made it clear I want to keep the spark alive and how important that was to me. He whole-heartedly agreed. We knew we may have been jumping the gun a little, but we both felt it was right and it was something we both wanted, we didn't feel pressure from the other, it just felt right. He even made me a list of reasons why he wanted to move in together. Sweetest thing.

 

Now, I know this "taking each other for granted" stuff is inevitable to a point. I just wanted to make sure we were conscious of it and not let it get out of hand. I have a tendency to worry and have some anxiety issues, he knows of this and is supportive. I just feel like lately, I feel disconnected from him. We had a talk last week because I was worried I wasn't giving him enough space and I don't want him to feel smothered, as he probably requires more alone time than I do. We had a really good talk, figured some **** out, but now I just feel like things are...off.

 

I apologize if this becomes too much information for anyone, I just need to get this all off my chest. I'm missing things that he used to do and don't know what to do about it. He used to call me "my beautiful" every day, which he KNOWS that I love, he used to be spontaneous and take me on random adventures, he used to be so much more...passionate and caring in bed...lately it's like, I suck his dick, he puts it in dry and when he's done, we're done. Or, last night for example, we got hot and heavy before bed after almost a week of no sex (very weird for us), then he lost his erection before he could get off. Instead of perhaps, making sure I got off, he just rolled over and we were done. We used to be freaks in the sack together, but we seem to have lost that. I know it's not one-sided and it takes two to tango, I just don't know how to approach the situation without sounding naggy, I don't want it to come across as complaining that he's not doing this or that...I try to spice things up, I hopped in the shower with him a couple weeks ago, I sucked his dick while he watches a hockey game, I just feel like I'm trying to please him, but it's not being reciprocated as much, and I'm left feeling unwanted and undesirable.

 

I'm all for doing things for him, I love to make him feel good, it makes ME feel good. I don't mind planning things and stuff, it's just that...I don't want to feel like I'm the only one trying. It's kind of exhausting and I feel like I'm trying too hard, and that's not a good feeling, I want to work at it together, both of us putting in effort.

 

I've never really been an insecure person. I work out, I have my own friends, I love who I am, and I know he does too. He does show me he loves me in other ways, and I know this and see this. I just feel like sex was always such an important part of our relationship. I just can't help but lately feel a bit insecure and anxious about what's going on. I know sex and passion fades with time and it's inevitable, but I still think both of us should work at making the other still feel wanted, desired, make sure they are being pleasured, you know? And I miss some of the little things he used to do, I just want some of it back. I'm trying my best to give him space, I just feel like he's...getting bored of me, which makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I just miss my freaky, sweet boyfriend who would talk dirty to me, choke me, be intense and passionate with me, take me to a field have his way with me, be rough with me during sex but after, cuddle me and make sure he didn't hurt me. Like I don't want to lose all that...how do I tell him without making him feel like...inadequate or that he's not doing anything right or anything? That's the exact opposite of how I want this to come across. I just need help approaching this situation the best way possible to not make him feel bad or guilty, and I don't want to make him feel like less of a man or anything like that.

 

I know relationships have ebbs and flows, and couples experience lulls and then bounce back, is that what this sounds like? Is this normal? I've never lived with a SO before, so this is new, and it's scary. I love him dearly, and love my life with him, I just feel like we're in a rut or something, and I don't know how to fix it. I need some advice please.

[d0nnivain]

Just tell him you miss the way it used to be. Go from there.

[SJS]

Time for some hotel sex. Can you plan a night or weekend away?

[stateofgrace]

Time for some hotel sex. Can you plan a night or weekend away?

That would be nice. Real nice. Unfortunately, money is a little tight due to us just getting our new place....

However, his birthday is at the end of April, I can do something like that for his birthday perhaps. However, that's still a month away.

 

I guess I just need to figure out a way to express what I want, be selfish, but not in a selfish way...if that makes any sense. I mean, we haven't HAD a conversation about sex or the things I miss, so how should he know? I just need to know how to go about it without making him feel guilty, you know?

[georgia girl]

Stateofgrace,

 

 

First, it's only been a month. Recognize that your anxiety and the changes in your combined lives may be playing into your reactions. That's your issue - not his. Calm down. Stop putting so much pressure on him, on your relationship and on yourself.

 

 

Secondly, realize that living together is a huge commitment and you both need time to adjust. Plus, it is so stinkin' easy to stop dating when you start living together. Before, when you got together, it was like a mini-vacation, no matter how many times a week you saw each other. Now, that mini-vacation is gone. Instead, there's dishes to be done, a yard that needs mowed, mom's call to return and picking out new linens for the bathroom. All very mundane, grown up and serious stuff.

 

 

Here's where I agree with you. It is important for the two of you to still date and even your boyfriend agreed to that same concept. So, make it fun. Create a date jar with free, low-cost things you can do. Each of you put items into the jar. Put a few sexy ones in. Then, when you feel the need to have a "date", you can agree to pull out one of the cards in the jar and do whatever it says.

 

 

But please, on the flipside, try and manage your anxiety. I know, because I'm anxious as well. It's easy for us to project, get hurt and as my husband says, "take it to Armegeddon." That's not a healthy habit and it is up to us to manage our anxiety so that we stay healthy, confident and secure partners to the wonderful men who love us.

 

 

Good luck! GG

[CarrieT]

Pretty standard timing: the honeymoon is officially over and the relationship is settling into "what will be."

[stateofgrace]

Stateofgrace,

 

 

First, it's only been a month. Recognize that your anxiety and the changes in your combined lives may be playing into your reactions. That's your issue - not his. Calm down. Stop putting so much pressure on him, on your relationship and on yourself.

 

 

Secondly, realize that living together is a huge commitment and you both need time to adjust. Plus, it is so stinkin' easy to stop dating when you start living together. Before, when you got together, it was like a mini-vacation, no matter how many times a week you saw each other. Now, that mini-vacation is gone. Instead, there's dishes to be done, a yard that needs mowed, mom's call to return and picking out new linens for the bathroom. All very mundane, grown up and serious stuff.

 

 

Here's where I agree with you. It is important for the two of you to still date and even your boyfriend agreed to that same concept. So, make it fun. Create a date jar with free, low-cost things you can do. Each of you put items into the jar. Put a few sexy ones in. Then, when you feel the need to have a "date", you can agree to pull out one of the cards in the jar and do whatever it says.

 

 

But please, on the flipside, try and manage your anxiety. I know, because I'm anxious as well. It's easy for us to project, get hurt and as my husband says, "take it to Armegeddon." That's not a healthy habit and it is up to us to manage our anxiety so that we stay healthy, confident and secure partners to the wonderful men who love us.

 

 

Good luck! GG

 

Thank you! This made me feel so much better. I really appreciate your insight, and I LOVE the date jar idea. Definitely going to do that!

 

Honestly, I just want to tell a story, whether people care or not, doesn't matter, just want to express what happened last night.

 

It was strange. I listen to people say "enjoy the moment" all the time, it's so easy for some people, and as much as I think I do that, I don't. I'm "in the moment", worrying about what could happen in the next moment or what it means when someone says this or that, or worrying about what could go wrong in any scenario. It's exhausting, quite frankly. Anyway, last night, he was supposed to hang out with a friend, but when I got home from the gym after work, he was at home. I said I was going to take a shower, and he said "okay, hurry up so we can watch the Jets game!". As glad as I was that he decided to stay home for whatever reason, and that I got to watch the game with him, I sat there and thought about "When do I bring this up? Can I even bring this up during a hockey game? When would be a good time to start up this conversation", even though I was sitting there, with him, cuddled up, that's what was going through my head. F*cked up right? I thought perhaps we would have sex, we didn't. It just wasn't the time I guess, which was fine, because we laid in bed and he just like, held me and kissed me, and then my forehead and said "good night baby, I love you", and up until then my mind was running, saying "Do I bring this up now? Do I ask him what's going on? Why doesn't he want to have sex?" blah blah blah, and then I was like...wow, why do I have to run my mind like that, this is so nice, just laying here with him, I should just stop and enjoy it. And I did. I feel much better today. I know he loves me, I realize that I was being insecure, and perhaps for a good reason, perhaps not. But that was the first time in a while that I felt like...very aware of what was happening right then, rather than worrying about what MAY happen down the road. How do I live like that? It's f*cked. Anyways, sorry for that long, unnecessary story, but it felt good to write that out.

 

Honestly, I think the moving in thing has been freaking me out more than I expected, and I haven't been dealing with it well. I'm in this constant panic in my head thinking that he is going to get sick of me, or isn't going to be attracted to me anymore, or that he's slipping away from me. But other than the sex semi-waning, not even waning - just a little different I guess, but other than that, he still shows me he loves me in other ways. I still do want to approach him about the sex thing, just because both our needs deserve to be met and I do still want to address a couple things, calmy obviously. I need to remember not to focus on the "negative" things, and focus on the positive things he does. Like he packed me my lunch this morning, cheese whiz sandwich, adorable. I just need to give it more time, and we'll find the right groove.

[losangelena]

OP, I completely understand these feelings of worry. I get like that as well; it's very hard for me to enjoy any moment, and I've always been that way. I very often will have thoughts of, "Is my BF really into me? When will he get bored? When is he just gonna leave?" Or, "He's just in this for convenience and he's never going to commit to this." When we're intimate, I wonder, "Is he losing his erection? He can't keep it up because he finds me repulsive, right? This is just a fetish for him; he's here for the sex, he's not emotionally connecting." It's like I cannot relax and enjoy.

 

Being anxious and having these thoughts is a very subtle way of being closed off from the experience. We never have to fully engage if we're ever-vigilant, and the funny thing is is that we THINK that by watching out for problems, we're more present, but it's simply not true.

 

Maybe your concern and worry is your way of adjusting to living together. He disengages to deal with his stress, and you over-engage. Because even though you wanted to move into together and were excited about it, it's still an incredibly stressful change, and you need to give both yourself and him a chance to adjust. You're learning to be around each other "full time," so get used to that, and then worry about making things more interesting again. Now is not the time to bring up your concerns. It's hard, but a wait and see approach right now is best, I think. Give it another month or two. If he's still distant, if the sex is still lackluster, THEN bring it up.

 

Also, I'd recommend, either through self-help or therapy, that you seek some help for your anxiety. I used to think that stress and anxiety were minor problems, then I developed a panic disorder and major hypochondria that lasted about a year. I sought counseling then, and it really helped. I'm also seeing a therapist now, even without the panic and health anxiety, and it's very helpful, especially in the realm of relationships.

[kayla73]

I can very much relate to how you feel. Moving in is a HUGE step in a relationship. The idea is very exciting, but things quickly change after just a short time living together.

 

My boyfriend and I moved in together after 8 months of dating. I had never lived with anyone before either. We've now been living together for 2 years, and our relationship is not the same "relationship" it was before we lived together. I don't mean that in a negative light at all either. I love what we've become. But, things do change. Sex will inevitably change too. It sounds to me like the "honeymoon" stage is ending. Even though all of these things are changing, that doesn't mean your relationship is by any means.

 

Everything you are feeling is exactly how I felt. You said you enjoy going out with friends and working out; that's great! You need to keep yourself busy and not put all of your attention on what he's thinking and if he thinks the relationship is no longer exciting. You will drive yourself crazy. You have to remember that he wanted to move in with you for a reason. If he's the good guy that I'm sure he is, he will tell you if he's having problems in the relationship.

 

Which brings me to this, communication is key! ESPECIALLY when you are living together. If you aren't feeling loved or if something is bothering you in the relationship, you have to be proactive in telling him about it. You said that you wanted to make sure the two of you don't take each other for granted. That's a good conversation to have before moving in together, and a good conversation to bring up again! Force yourselves to get out more. Go on dates. Go to the movies together. Take a drive. Heck, I find grocery shopping together to be an exciting "date".

 

Now, if you feel like you are giving way more than he does sexually, and it is bothering you, that can start to be an issue. If you are over the top with it, he's going to start to expect that. That doesn't mean he's going to want to give back the same amount. I'm not saying to stop surprising and satisfying him, but explain to him that you would appreciate it if he did that to you more. Have a conversation about this.

 

My only advice is that you MUST talk to him about your feelings. That's the only way living together will be successful.

Edited April 1, 2015 by kayla73

[Buddhist]

You need to understand that once a relationship moves into that level of commitment it is a different relationship. It's not taking each other for granted, it's a different level of intimacy and it does mean that the relationship dynamic changes to some extent. The whole mindset has changed, it's no longer courtship, it's relationship. You are now available to each other 24x7, which means the excitement of needing an appointment and limited opportunity for sex is now gone. There's no anticipation of....we're getting together on Friday, and that's our opportunity to ravage each other this week, anymore. It's more like, well we can have sex anytime we like so there's no big build up.

 

All of this is normal and to be expected. With greater daily intimacy, the pent up passion disappears. That's just the way it goes. If you like the pent up passion stage then don't move in with them. Keep it separate.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The first thing for the OP to (truly convince herself about, is that she's not doing anything wrong in her efforts). The (female) impulse, after such a described story, is too often to race (to another position on the softball field of life, thinking she needs to be somebody ELSE - which just isn't true).

 

Do we know with clarity that the point of moving in together was the moment of change in the boyfriend's routine???

 

IF that's the case, then it should be fair to open discussion about "How do you REALLY feel about ALL that encompasses our having moved in together?".

 

(and you mentioned money, too... has the shared effort to move in together caused him any additional pressures with regard to what is affordable, etc.?)

 

How would you guess he feels about his own finances now, vs. the time before you moved in together?

[GravityMan]

Pretty standard timing: the honeymoon is officially over and the relationship is settling into "what will be."

 

I was thinking the same thing.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

When I read the part of your post that says you miss when he "chokes you" and is rough with you in bed, I stopped reading the rest of it.

 

In my opinion, he's getting bored with the sex. Choking you and being rough with you has now lost it's luster for him. I also think that the way things are now, is probably the way things will be from now on - until something (or someone) changes.

 

 

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