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Ending relationship because of different goals for the future


moonlightpath

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moonlightpath

We met a little over a year ago. Started off as friends. We’ve been in a relationship for about 10 months. When we first met I didn’t have many friends. I turned him into my best friend/boyfriend. Luckily these past couple of months my social life has changed. I met 3 other girls and we are pretty inseparable. This is the happiest I’ve been I’ve been in years. For a long time I’ve longed to have close girl friends but I have always had trouble finding some.

 

Since I didn’t have many friends when I met my boyfriend I became very dependent on him. We ended up taking a break from each other for a couple weeks over the summer and it was incredibly hard for me because he was all I had. I had no other people except for family to talk to. But now things are different. I’m less dependent on him since I finally found the friends I’ve always wanted.

 

A couple days ago we were talking. He started talking about marriage in the future. He said that if we were to get married he would expect me to move in with him and his parents. (My boyfriend is Muslim.) He said he would rather have me stay home with his mother than work. And I would have to willingly convert to Islam. Basically he wants me to be a housewife and care for his parents if we were to get married. He said he’s just letting me now so I feel comfortable with what he is expecting if we were to get married in a few years. He said he wants to make sure we both want the same things in life.

 

I know I’m still young to be thinking about all of this, but a life like he described isn’t what I envision myself having. I go to a private university that’s pretty expensive. If we get married is he going to pay my parents back the $80,000 they wasted on tuition since I’ll just be his housewife? What I see myself doing in my mid twenties is not living with my in-laws. It’s having a job and living closer to my own parents.

 

Since my older sister doesn’t know about my boyfriend, she told me about one of her former students who is in the process of receiving his doctorate degree in the same major as mine. She said he seems interested in me and wants me to meet him eventually. This got me thinking that there is more out there.

 

Should I just live in the moment and continue my relationship? I’m only 21 and he’s 22. We’re young. I know a lot can change within the next couple years. Right now we make each other really happy. But since we are still pretty young a part of me just says continue our relationship and don’t worry about our future.

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His view of marriage is not going to change. If you want something else, he's not your guy. Getting out now will be easier than getting out later but it will still be tough.

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You both have completely different views. You need to get out of this relationship. You are very young, and that is obviously not what you want the rest of your life to be like. You will feel trapped!

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Moonlightpath, you cannot change people. You can change yourself to accommodate to them, they may change because they grow to it... but to spend time believing that someone will change his core is a risky path.

 

Your BF basically told you about his beliefs regarding marriage and spousal positioning. You can accept it and stay with him, or reject it and move on. And for the latter, now is probably going to go much easier (you're still not sooo invested with him, and have a stable social circle) than years later.

 

He MAY change his views but it will not be smart of you to rely on this.

 

We met a little over a year ago. Started off as friends. We’ve been in a relationship for about 10 months. When we first met I didn’t have many friends. I turned him into my best friend/boyfriend. Luckily these past couple of months my social life has changed. I met 3 other girls and we are pretty inseparable. This is the happiest I’ve been I’ve been in years. For a long time I’ve longed to have close girl friends but I have always had trouble finding some.

 

Since I didn’t have many friends when I met my boyfriend I became very dependent on him. We ended up taking a break from each other for a couple weeks over the summer and it was incredibly hard for me because he was all I had. I had no other people except for family to talk to. But now things are different. I’m less dependent on him since I finally found the friends I’ve always wanted.

 

A couple days ago we were talking. He started talking about marriage in the future. He said that if we were to get married he would expect me to move in with him and his parents. (My boyfriend is Muslim.) He said he would rather have me stay home with his mother than work. And I would have to willingly convert to Islam. Basically he wants me to be a housewife and care for his parents if we were to get married. He said he’s just letting me now so I feel comfortable with what he is expecting if we were to get married in a few years. He said he wants to make sure we both want the same things in life.

 

I know I’m still young to be thinking about all of this, but a life like he described isn’t what I envision myself having. I go to a private university that’s pretty expensive. If we get married is he going to pay my parents back the $80,000 they wasted on tuition since I’ll just be his housewife? What I see myself doing in my mid twenties is not living with my in-laws. It’s having a job and living closer to my own parents.

 

Since my older sister doesn’t know about my boyfriend, she told me about one of her former students who is in the process of receiving his doctorate degree in the same major as mine. She said he seems interested in me and wants me to meet him eventually. This got me thinking that there is more out there.

 

Should I just live in the moment and continue my relationship? I’m only 21 and he’s 22. We’re young. I know a lot can change within the next couple years. Right now we make each other really happy. But since we are still pretty young a part of me just says continue our relationship and don’t worry about our future.

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moonlightpath

Well I don't mean that I expect him to change. I mean other things can change. Like maybe we will break up in a few months or even a year because I will meet someone else, maybe I won't meet someone else but we will just grow apart, maybe he will meet someone else, maybe I will end up moving back home after graduation....things like that. I don't expect him to change his views. I just mean other things may get in the way of us.

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I see... All these of course are possible. Just don't forget that other things may happen too since you're so close at the moment, and the riskiest are:

 

- you grow so attached to him with the time, so much that you feel miserable to break up and will have no options but agree to live with his understandings (housewife living with in laws)

 

- he will grow overly attached to you and won't let you go without a drama (I had EXACTLY this to happen with a guy that I was dating for the joy of the moment for about an year and aa half - things got very ugly when I reached to the point that I wanted to move on)

 

Well I don't mean that I expect him to change. I mean other things can change. Like maybe we will break up in a few months or even a year because I will meet someone else, maybe I won't meet someone else but we will just grow apart, maybe he will meet someone else, maybe I will end up moving back home after graduation....things like that. I don't expect him to change his views. I just mean other things may get in the way of us.
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Well I don't mean that I expect him to change. I mean other things can change. Like maybe we will break up in a few months or even a year because I will meet someone else, maybe I won't meet someone else but we will just grow apart, maybe he will meet someone else, maybe I will end up moving back home after graduation....things like that. I don't expect him to change his views. I just mean other things may get in the way of us.

 

 

All of those things may happen but most won't unless you take action. Sitting here, dating him without taking the long view will make it harder in the long run.

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Well I don't mean that I expect him to change. I mean other things can change. Like maybe we will break up in a few months or even a year because I will meet someone else, maybe I won't meet someone else but we will just grow apart, maybe he will meet someone else, maybe I will end up moving back home after graduation....things like that. I don't expect him to change his views. I just mean other things may get in the way of us.

 

It sounds like you already have a foot out the door. If you are committed to this guy, you're not going to break up because you meet someone else. There won't be a someone else because you won't put yourself in that position. If you're willing to put yourself in that position and/or are actively looking for someone else or you don't think that this relationship has a solid future, you need to speak up about that so your boyfriend is aware that you have no interest in becoming a housewife or converting to Islam.

 

Ideally he wouldn't have waited 10 months to tell this to you and you would have known about it early on to avoid wasting both your time.

 

Unless you can both agree to continue this with the understanding that the relationship will come to an end at some point, I think you should end it sooner rather than later and look for someone with more compatible future plans.

 

How did you respond when he said he wanted to make sure you wanted the same things in life?

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He's got a prescribed way things have to go and his parents are probably still calling the shots and may always call the shots. I would run as quickly as possible away from all that and enjoy my youth and marry someone who doesn't expect you to turn yourself inside out for them changing to meet their beliefs and traditions.

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It's un likely he will change his views so to me this is a no brainer. Even if uou were to win the 'prize' of his love he has expectations that you just don't agree with. Why you are still in this relationship is anyone's guess.

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moonlightpath

I guess any normal person in my situation would end this relationship. I know its going to be more difficult to end things in the future if I continue to date him.

 

Even though I am not as dependent on him as I used to be, I still feel scared to be without him. When we broke up for a couple weeks last year I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't know what to do. I pretty much didn't talk to anyone. I quit eating. I cried everyday for about a week. I just feel like I don't know who I am without him. Before I met him I would casually date guys for fun. So even then I wasn't completely single. I just don't want to feel everything I felt when we broke up in the past. It was terrible feeling.

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fitnessfan365

If he's still that tethered to his parents, he isn't ready to be married IMO. I mean not only does he expect you to be a housewife, but to also live with your in-laws an take care of them as well? I don't blame you for not wanting to be part of that dynamic.

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We call that a man who wants a nurse with a purse. At least he does not want the purse!

 

So why don't you negotiate with him. Maybe you can work and live closer to your parents and with your combined income, pay for help for his parents?

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Moonlightpath,

Please think this through very carefully.

 

He said he would rather have me stay home with his mother than work. And I would have to willingly convert to Islam. Basically he wants me to be a housewife and care for his parents if we were to get married.

 

So did you really spend all this time getting educated so you could be a drudge?

 

Do you really know about Sharia Law and how women are treated under it?

 

Do you know about Halal food, and Halal slaughter(non-stun) and are you prepared to cook meat prepared that way?

 

Please do your "homework" now.

 

Oh, and by the way, once you convert to Islam there is no way out. Under Sharia law the punishment for Apostasy is death. You might like to look that up.....

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Wow I would have run into the night screaming haha. Youre probably better off finding someone with more compatible goals.

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Bottomline, it's time to move on. You're not as independent as you say; I know you are still very dependent on him. But you are growing and learning. This is such an important time for you to develop yourself. He is going to get in the way of your maturation.

 

Staying with this man means you are settling out of fear and lack of self confidence. Take the support of your friends and ask them to help you end this relationship and become the strong woman who you envision.

 

Find a man who will support you in achieving your dreams. AND! Don't get married or have kids before you turn 28. Start focusing in on the right man around age 28, and plan to start your family around 30-32 (or later if necessary). Your happy life will thank you later.

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Agree with above poster... Don't stay with him "for now" because its easy and comfortable. If you can see an expiration date on this relationship, you need to get out now. You should ONLY be with someone if you can foresee a future with them.

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I guess any normal person in my situation would end this relationship. I know its going to be more difficult to end things in the future if I continue to date him.

 

Even though I am not as dependent on him as I used to be, I still feel scared to be without him. When we broke up for a couple weeks last year I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't know what to do. I pretty much didn't talk to anyone. I quit eating. I cried everyday for about a week. I just feel like I don't know who I am without him. Before I met him I would casually date guys for fun. So even then I wasn't completely single. I just don't want to feel everything I felt when we broke up in the past. It was terrible feeling.

 

This is how you end up trapped in a bad marriage. You desperately need to get out on your own and live alone and get two jobs or whatever it takes and support yourself and live with yourself long enough that when you get into the next relationship, you won't be staying in it because you're afraid of being on your own. You need to learn to stand alone so you never have to stay in a bad relationship out of codependence and fear.

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Well I don't mean that I expect him to change. I mean other things can change. Like maybe we will break up in a few months or even a year because I will meet someone else, maybe I won't meet someone else but we will just grow apart, maybe he will meet someone else, maybe I will end up moving back home after graduation....things like that. I don't expect him to change his views. I just mean other things may get in the way of us.

 

yes that is true BUT you already know this isn't going to work....so there is no point in having a relationship with this person in the first place. You are just wasting your time on someone knowing expectations can't be fulfilled.

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ENDING RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF DIFFERENT GOALS FOR THE FUTURE

 

There isn't a better reason for ending a relationship than that. In fact, it's the best reason for not beginning a relationship.

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