No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 From about a month or so I am dating a wonderful guy. We are trying to accommodate our lives to each other including our friend circles. I used to go out ~2 x a month to have dinner with a guy that I met before via OLD; however, after the third time we agreed just to be friends since I was not interested in anything more (but we like each other as people). Do you think it is ok to keep seeing this friend occasionally 101 (he is too shy and prefers that vs being in a group of people)? I don't know how to introduce this situation to my new boyfriend since we're still in the beginning and he may misinterpret it... (the friend guy is aware that I am seeing someone else and doesn't seem to be bothered, so I guess it is ok with him). Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Ask your friend if it's OK to meet your new BF / bring him to dinner. At the very least invite your new guy around for dessert with your buddy. Hiding the relationships causes problems. Introducing the two men shows it's all above board. Make sure the new BF knows how you met the guy & that you went on some dates with him. If you were more intimate with the friend, new BF does not have to accept you having dinner alone with the guy Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 No, it is not okay to go out one-on-one with other guys in what may look like a date, when you have a boyfriend. If your friend is too shy for group dates, too bad so sad. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Do you think it is ok to keep seeing this friend occasionally 101 (he is too shy and prefers that vs being in a group of people)? Yes, he's your friend. I don't know how to introduce this situation to my new boyfriend since we're still in the beginning and he may misinterpret it... (the friend guy is aware that I am seeing someone else and doesn't seem to be bothered, so I guess it is ok with him). You say "I'm going out to dinner with my friend John on Wednesday. I've known him for X and we try to get together a couple of times a month to catch up. You'll have to meet him sometime." End of story. Just be honest. There's nothing to hide or feel ashamed of here since you two are strictly platonic, but if you act like it needs to be a secret or like you are doing something wrong, your new guy may get suspicious. There is nothing wrong with having male friends. This is no big deal. Heck, I had lunch with a male friend of mine yesterday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I was thinking to do exactly that (invite them together sometime). Anyways, I have never been intimate with the friend guy, not even a kiss. Just the fact that I met him via OLD makes me a little uncomfortable for the initial introductions. Ask your friend if it's OK to meet your new BF / bring him to dinner. At the very least invite your new guy around for dessert with your buddy. Hiding the relationships causes problems. Introducing the two men shows it's all above board. Make sure the new BF knows how you met the guy & that you went on some dates with him. If you were more intimate with the friend, new BF does not have to accept you having dinner alone with the guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well, that sounds a bit cruel, I mean discriminating the shy people... I feel like this guy actually keeps calling me exactly for the reason that I am ok with his shyness and many people ridiculed him for it But yeah, a "date setting" will not be appropriate if they do not know for each others existence. No, it is not okay to go out one-on-one with other guys in what may look like a date, when you have a boyfriend. If your friend is too shy for group dates, too bad so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 OP, is this guy friend of yours socially awkward, and is it possible he might have a crush on you? These are the two things that sprang to my mind right away. In general I would say cease the 1on1 dinner dates with this "friend". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hah, I agree male friends are ok, I have other ones that I have no problem about sharing. But how to make it sound not awkward if he asks how do I know this guy (and to keep the honesty I need to say that we initially met with intention of dating)? Yes, he's your friend. You say "I'm going out to dinner with my friend John on Wednesday. I've known him for X and we try to get together a couple of times a month to catch up. You'll have to meet him sometime." End of story. Just be honest. There's nothing to hide or feel ashamed of here since you two are strictly platonic, but if you act like it needs to be a secret or like you are doing something wrong, your new guy may get suspicious. There is nothing wrong with having male friends. This is no big deal. Heck, I had lunch with a male friend of mine yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Just say you met him through OLD & both of you recognized you were better as friends. Immediately invite BF to meet him. If the friend has a crush on you he may self select out of your life once he meets the BF. The important part is keep everything open / above board. Address whatever concerns your BF has about this friendship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Who's idea was it to be just friends? You clearly view this as platonic, but are you absolutely sure he's on the same page? That he isn't bidding his time and trying to weasel back into a dating relationship? Are you certain the "I'm too shy to hang out with your friends" excuse is'nt a back door ploy to continue having one-on-one dinners with you until you come to your senses and appreciate what a great guy he really is. Who is paying for these dinners? Whether you continue dating the month-long guy or not, deep-six the dinner dates with this friend. You can go to ball games instead. Or if he's too frightened by crowds, have a midday coffee together or read books in the library. It's on you to stop doing things that can be misconstrued as romantic with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hah, I agree male friends are ok, I have other ones that I have no problem about sharing. But how to make it sound not awkward if he asks how do I know this guy (and to keep the honesty I need to say that we initially met with intention of dating)? You can never go wrong with honesty. "We met online, went out a couple of times, and both decided that there was no romantic interest." Make it clear that he can meet him. I really don't see this as being a big deal, but I know a lot of others here disagree with me. There was a woman my husband met through Meetup who he went out with a couple of times a year or so before we met, but they both decided they were better off as friends, so they remained friends and got together occasionally for a drink or dinner (maybe once every few months). He told me all that when I met her, and it was no big deal to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Who's idea was it to be just friends? You clearly view this as platonic, but are you absolutely sure he's on the same page? That he isn't bidding his time and trying to weasel back into a dating relationship? Are you certain the "I'm too shy to hang out with your friends" excuse is'nt a back door ploy to continue having one-on-one dinners with you until you come to your senses and appreciate what a great guy he really is. Who is paying for these dinners? Whether you continue dating the month-long guy or not, deep-six the dinner dates with this friend. You can go to ball games instead. Or if he's too frightened by crowds, have a midday coffee together or read books in the library. It's on you to stop doing things that can be misconstrued as romantic with him. Yes, this is all important... Op please answer Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Imagine this... you are my girlfriend. On Thursday nights, you have a pottery class. So I take a lady friend out to dinner at TGI Friday's... we have dinner and cocktails, just the two of us. We are just friends. Here's the big question: do you feel jealous? I'm saying it's not right to have one-on-one dates with the opposite sex when you are in a relationship. Relationships take work. Consider refraining from this part of the work. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think angel.eyes has hit on a good compromise. Change the nature of what you do with this friend: lunch rather than dinner, more active, less intimate, do stuff that is more friend oriented than date-like. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Friendship test: Open and conspicuously friendly within social group. Shared interests. Hanging out 101 isn't an interest. Supportive of each other's intimate relationships. Myself, I'd focus on the dating milieu with current prospective BF and include this platonic male friend in social group or interest-related stuff as appropriate. If he has difficulties socializing, that's on him. Part of friendships is socializing. Be aware that, generally, straight (heterosexual) men don't pursue platonic friendships with women unless they started that way or resolved to, at minimum, the above list of criteria. One test of whether or not he's a true friend would be an engagement with your dating partner usurping the friendly 101 stuff with him. A true friend would understand and wish you well and suggest a reschedule because friends don't have heavy expectations. Apply the same criteria you would with a female friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You didn't say "we weren't interested in anything more" implying a mutual decision. You said "I wasn't interested in anything more". Now of course there are exceptions. But generally speaking, when a guy is shy and "nice" he doesn't typically have a ton of options with women. So when he gets stuck in the friend zone, he'll agree just to spend more time with you. That way he can try and change your mind. Now if this was a guy you were always platonic with, a family friend, a co-worker, etc that is completely cool. But realistically, how many guys join OLD sites to make new female "friends"? Since this is a guy that you met the first time through a dating site, and the friendship was your idea, I'd say that it would be best not to go out alone with him anymore out of respect for your BF. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You can never go wrong with honesty. "We met online, went out a couple of times, and both decided that there was no romantic interest." Make it clear that he can meet him. I really don't see this as being a big deal, but I know a lot of others here disagree with me. There was a woman my husband met through Meetup who he went out with a couple of times a year or so before we met, but they both decided they were better off as friends, so they remained friends and got together occasionally for a drink or dinner (maybe once every few months). He told me all that when I met her, and it was no big deal to me. I agree. The problem is that there are a subset of guys who will not give up when it's clear you're not interested in a romantic relationship with them. They'll seem to agree, but then they keep attempting date-like activities in a misguided belief that you will eventually fall for them. Agreeing to dinner, etc. sends mixed signals. He's an adult? Unless he's a shut-in on disability, he interacts in groups from time to time. His options would be to join my other friends in group activities or we can chat on the phone from time to time. Biweekly planned one-on-one dinner dates? No. Just no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Ok, barcode88, here are the details:D 1)Who's idea was it to be just friends? Mine. The background: I cancelled our first date long time ago (because I got involved with someone else), he contacted me after months (coincided with my breakup), we saw each other a few times and I told him I still have issues with my ex (white lie). He agreed being friends then. We have kept seeing each other for dinners (platonic dates) since then. 2)You clearly view this as platonic, but are you absolutely sure he's on the same page? I think so, because I told him twice my position, and he insists that he is ok with being friends. 3)That he isn't bidding his time and trying to weasel back into a dating relationship? I thought so initially but the more I think about it, the more I realize he is seeking me for human contact (vs dating), since he doesn't have a stable social circle (he's close with his family and that's about it). 4)Are you certain the "I'm too shy to hang out with your friends" excuse is'nt a back door ploy to continue having one-on-one dinners with you until you come to your senses and appreciate what a great guy he really is. Could be, that's why I started the thread on first place (the idea makes me feel uncomfortable because of the guy that I am dating now who I really like). But he NEVER initiated physical contact of any type (even a hug), so maybe it is really a communication/friendship thing. 5)Who is paying for these dinners? We always split 50/50. Yes, this is all important... Op please answer Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well, I would be jealous, if we're still in a process of gaining trust to each other. However, if it was e.g. an old acquaintance that you wanted to catch up with (and we were in a stable relationship), I would not have a problem with it.. The real issue: we are not yet in that point of stability with my new guy... So in that sense it will be awkward for him at least Imagine this... you are my girlfriend. On Thursday nights, you have a pottery class. So I take a lady friend out to dinner at TGI Friday's... we have dinner and cocktails, just the two of us. We are just friends. Here's the big question: do you feel jealous? I'm saying it's not right to have one-on-one dates with the opposite sex when you are in a relationship. Relationships take work. Consider refraining from this part of the work. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Based upon the following you cancelled your 1st date but he popped back up later you want to be friends & he agreed you go to dinner he's shy / socially awkward I think this guy is harboring a crush & hiding behind the friend label because he's one of those guys who thinks that by sticking around eventually you will date him. Tread very carefully & add in a lot more distance. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 you really expect this to go well? suppose they do not like each other whose side would you take? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 His first reaction when we agreed on platonic friendship was that he felt sad. But afterwards he confirmed that he is totally fine with just friendship. Still reading all the opinions (and going through my own thoughts), the only way to keep this friendship without being disrespectful to my new BF will be to move our meets from 1 to 1 to a group setting and from dinner to day times. Which is btw also logistically hard since I try to keep the day times (weekends) free for my new BF and old/established friends... You didn't say "we weren't interested in anything more" implying a mutual decision. You said "I wasn't interested in anything more". Now of course there are exceptions. But generally speaking, when a guy is shy and "nice" he doesn't typically have a ton of options with women. So when he gets stuck in the friend zone, he'll agree just to spend more time with you. That way he can try and change your mind. Now if this was a guy you were always platonic with, a family friend, a co-worker, etc that is completely cool. But realistically, how many guys join OLD sites to make new female "friends"? Since this is a guy that you met the first time through a dating site, and the friendship was your idea, I'd say that it would be best not to go out alone with him anymore out of respect for your BF. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 you really expect this to go well? suppose they do not like each other whose side would you take? Assuming the friend is just a friend (an assumption that is seeming less likely; the friend is most likely has a crush) But if the friendship is legit & platonic, the BF & the friend don't have to get along. The introductions are only about assuring the BF that this friendship is not a threat to the romance. There is no need to pick. If the guys don't get along, after the BF realizes that the friend is no threat, the OP can spend time with the friend without the BF tagging along 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 What concerns me is that he is so undisturbed that I cancelled on him so many times (dates, and now the friendship stuff). He doesn't seem to care at all ... I mean being in his shoes I would have backed off 10 times by now. Anyways, he left the ball in my court after the last cancelled dinner. So I guess I will just tell him the whole truth (that I am in a new relationship and meeting 1 to 1 feels uncomfortable) and let him decide if he's ok with that? I agree. The problem is that there are a subset of guys who will not give up when it's clear you're not interested in a romantic relationship with them. They'll seem to agree, but then they keep attempting date-like activities in a misguided belief that you will eventually fall for them. Agreeing to dinner, etc. sends mixed signals. He's an adult? Unless he's a shut-in on disability, he interacts in groups from time to time. His options would be to join my other friends in group activities or we can chat on the phone from time to time. Biweekly planned one-on-one dinner dates? No. Just no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Assuming the friend is just a friend (an assumption that is seeming less likely; the friend is most likely has a crush) But if the friendship is legit & platonic, the BF & the friend don't have to get along. The introductions are only about assuring the BF that this friendship is not a threat to the romance. There is no need to pick. If the guys don't get along, after the BF realizes that the friend is no threat, the OP can spend time with the friend without the BF tagging along or should that be spend time with the BF without the friend tagging along? one tags along, the other is the cenral figure i just switched around the priority Link to post Share on other sites
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