Are These Warning Signs His Family Was/Is Dysfunctional?

[nomadic_butterfly]

So on my way to Asia last month, I met this guy who happened to be on my same flight. I needed to use a plug to charge my phone, went to look at the flight status, came back, and he was at the only station open, asked if we could share it, next thing you know, we're conversion for over an hour before our flight takes off. At the final moment, when we were in line about to board, he gives me his card. He lives in Northern Cali near San Fran, I live in LA (but actively looking to moved back to NY). He told me to give him a call if I were ever in town. We had small talks over our vacation at our respective places, he mentioned he would be in LA the end of March.

 

I hadn't heard from him by Wednesday of last week, so I figured if he was going to be in town and not make any plans to see, not that into me so I deleted his number. Thursday rolls around, got a text from an unknown number if I was free Saturday, asked who was it, then it was him.

 

So we had one of the best dates of my life on that Saturday. He's a VP of Marketing at his company with an engineering/toy design background, I work in Marketing too...and we had great conversation and tons in common and chemistry. He drove me home and we made out and talked for 4hrs straight in my driveway (I have a roommate and I didn't tell her in advance about any man coming over so I didn't invite him in).

 

Some of the details revealed aroused my suspicions though. He asked me if my parents were still together, and I said yes, he said great, so was his, it's makes a difference. This is usually true if one had a decent, loving, two parent home. Dad is a doctor, mom is a nurse. But what concerned me were these things:

 

1. He's 36 going on 37 and he dated a girl for 9yrs (from age 20-29) and he said they were never engaged. This strikes me as odd, especially seeing his family structure and his cultures (he's mixed). I asked him 9yrs and no engagement? He said when he got together they were kids and didn't know themselves, then the last year or so discovered they weren't meant to be. They even bought a house together though and moved to Cali together. Said she was type A and even had a spreadsheet of when they they were supposed to get married.

 

He has not had any significant relationships since because "he's really busy at work and travels too much." I said you make time for what you really want.

 

2. Both his sisters are older and they are both unemployed and he said when his parents pass away (they're in their late 70s, early 80s), he'll have to take care of his sisters. I said, "what? but they're adults well into their 40s. Shouldn't they be taking care of themselves?"

 

Sister A: 40s, Divorced, 2 kids, lives off of parents.

 

Sister B: 40s+, unemployed for the last 3 yrs, lives off of parents/boyfriend. Never married.

 

He works with kids and is always super duper silly.

 

Did they have a childhood so effed up they were stunted emotionally? This all just sounds strange to me. He's a major goofball which is great because I am silly, but did something make him scared of full commitment?

 

He said his mom became a stay at home mom after kids but I don't understand why the sisters don't feel any need to work! I would not be ok with marrying someone who is going to take care of his well abled OLDER siblings who simply don't want to work!

[PegNosePete]

I think you're analyzing this way too much.

 

You've only had 1 date. Give the guy a chance.

 

If after a couple of months you're feeling like he has commitment issues then that's another matter. But after 1 date it's too soon to know any of these things.

[elaine567]

He said his mom became a stay at home mom after kids but I don't understand why the sisters don't feel any need to work! I would not be ok with marrying someone who is going to take care of his well abled OLDER siblings who simply don't want to work!

 

Whether he had a dysfunctional upbringing or not, the answer to whether you should pursue this or not, is right there.

[Redhead14]

So on my way to Asia last month, I met this guy who happened to be on my same flight. I needed to use a plug to charge my phone, went to look at the flight status, came back, and he was at the only station open, asked if we could share it, next thing you know, we're conversion for over an hour before our flight takes off. At the final moment, when we were in line about to board, he gives me his card. He lives in Northern Cali near San Fran, I live in LA (but actively looking to moved back to NY). He told me to give him a call if I were ever in town. We had small talks over our vacation at our respective places, he mentioned he would be in LA the end of March.

 

I hadn't heard from him by Wednesday of last week, so I figured if he was going to be in town and not make any plans to see, not that into me so I deleted his number. Thursday rolls around, got a text from an unknown number if I was free Saturday, asked who was it, then it was him.

 

So we had one of the best dates of my life on that Saturday. He's a VP of Marketing at his company with an engineering/toy design background, I work in Marketing too...and we had great conversation and tons in common and chemistry. He drove me home and we made out and talked for 4hrs straight in my driveway (I have a roommate and I didn't tell her in advance about any man coming over so I didn't invite him in).

 

Some of the details revealed aroused my suspicions though. He asked me if my parents were still together, and I said yes, he said great, so was his, it's makes a difference. This is usually true if one had a decent, loving, two parent home. Dad is a doctor, mom is a nurse. But what concerned me were these things:

 

1. He's 36 going on 37 and he dated a girl for 9yrs (from age 20-29) and he said they were never engaged. This strikes me as odd, especially seeing his family structure and his cultures (he's mixed). I asked him 9yrs and no engagement? He said when he got together they were kids and didn't know themselves, then the last year or so discovered they weren't meant to be. They even bought a house together though and moved to Cali together. Said she was type A and even had a spreadsheet of when they they were supposed to get married.

 

He has not had any significant relationships since because "he's really busy at work and travels too much." I said you make time for what you really want.

 

2. Both his sisters are older and they are both unemployed and he said when his parents pass away (they're in their late 70s, early 80s), he'll have to take care of his sisters. I said, "what? but they're adults well into their 40s. Shouldn't they be taking care of themselves?"

 

Sister A: 40s, Divorced, 2 kids, lives off of parents.

 

Sister B: 40s+, unemployed for the last 3 yrs, lives off of parents/boyfriend. Never married.

 

He works with kids and is always super duper silly.

 

Did they have a childhood so effed up they were stunted emotionally? This all just sounds strange to me. He's a major goofball which is great because I am silly, but did something make him scared of full commitment?

 

He said his mom became a stay at home mom after kids but I don't understand why the sisters don't feel any need to work! I would not be ok with marrying someone who is going to take care of his well abled OLDER siblings who simply don't want to work!

 

You found all this out on the first date? Wow! What made the date so much fun that you'd be analyzing this so much and considering seeing him again?

 

Don't try to be a "psychologist" after a first date. That being said, however,

He has not had any significant relationships since because "he's really busy at work and travels too much."

 

You're right, people will make changes for things they really want. You don't know if you'd be what he really wants yet. However, this is likely an upfront statement from him that he's not looking for a serious relationship.

 

If you go out with him again, just enjoy the date. At some point, have a casual conversations about what you want for yourself out of your dating experiences and let him tell you what he wants. If you are on the same page with that at least, move forward and cautiously. Manage your emotions and expectations. If he says he wants casual and you are looking for something "more", move on.

[kendahke]

Dang, you two just met. Why all this anxiety over marriage? You dont' even know if you like him well enough to remain in the same room with him. 4 hours in a car in your driveway doesn't count--you've never seen him under real stress.

 

I think you need to get to know him way better before running thoughts of marriage.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think you're analyzing this way too much.

 

You've only had 1 date. Give the guy a chance.

 

If after a couple of months you're feeling like he has commitment issues then that's another matter. But after 1 date it's too soon to know any of these things.

 

Fair enough!

[nomadic_butterfly]

Dang, you two just met. Why all this anxiety over marriage? You dont' even know if you like him well enough to remain in the same room with him. 4 hours in a car in your driveway doesn't count--you've never seen him under real stress.

 

I think you need to get to know him way better before running thoughts of marriage.

 

I don't have "anxiety" over marriage but I seldom date and am not going to waste my time if I seem the situation fruitless or see anything that would lead me to believe it will only be another "fun" experience. Been there, done that, mid to late 20s now so I am only looking to date people on the same page the rare occasion I entertain a man's advances.

[nomadic_butterfly]

You found all this out on the first date? Wow! What made the date so much fun that you'd be analyzing this so much and considering seeing him again?

 

Don't try to be a "psychologist" after a first date. That being said, however,

He has not had any significant relationships since because "he's really busy at work and travels too much."

 

You're right, people will make changes for things they really want. You don't know if you'd be what he really wants yet. However, this is likely an upfront statement from him that he's not looking for a serious relationship.

 

If you go out with him again, just enjoy the date. At some point, have a casual conversations about what you want for yourself out of your dating experiences and let him tell you what he wants. If you are on the same page with that at least, move forward and cautiously. Manage your emotions and expectations. If he says he wants casual and you are looking for something "more", move on.

 

If I am going to be entertaining a potential long distance relationship, I have to evaluate thoroughly if it is even worth it. You are right, no one including myself knows if I am it. That will take time, but I am the type to nip something in the bud the very moment I believe I am wasting my time and energy; I put a high value on those.

 

Overall this is sage advice and I will take it. I've dated a handful of men with messed up childhoods who are man-children. I don't want to venture into that kind of deal again so I just wanted impartial perspectives. Overall he seems awesome, we share a culture and same values, sense of humor and common ground so if he was in town again and wanted to see me I certainly would oblige.

[Redhead14]

If I am going to be entertaining a potential long distance relationship, I have to evaluate thoroughly if it is even worth it. You are right, no one including myself knows if I am it. That will take time, but I am the type to nip something in the bud the very moment I believe I am wasting my time and energy; I put a high value on those.

 

Overall this is sage advice and I will take it. I've dated a handful of men with messed up childhoods who are man-children. I don't want to venture into that kind of deal again so I just wanted impartial perspectives. Overall he seems awesome, we share a culture and same values, sense of humor and common ground so if he was in town again and wanted to see me I certainly would oblige.

 

OP, I agree you should nip it in the bud, but in this case, there isn't even a bud. Just because it "appears" that this man had a dysfunctional childhood, doesn't mean he's dysfunctional. Some people are held back because of a dysfunctional childhood and some people are pushed to excellence because of it. They strive to do better than what they left behind. In his case, he may have actually done that -- he's the VP of a marketing company.

 

There are tons of parents who have raised children and done their best. One or two children turn out perfectly and then there's that one who just didn't turn out as well for whatever reason. In this case, it's two to one. We don't have enough information about those two sisters to know what's going on with them. It may not having anything to do with the parenting necessarily.

 

Find out what he wants out of his dating experiences and let him show you what he's capable of over time. Don't get too invested, let it unfold naturally and let him come to you if he wants to. And, keep dating other people

[Auspecial]

It could be that he "thinks" he would feel responsible, but in reality, the parents will probably leave them money, and they will end up also working.

 

I would wait and find out more about this. Not grilling him, but light-heartedly, find out the extent of what he means.

 

I don't think its necessarily because of dysfunction in the family. The sisters are just lazy and spoiled.

 

However, I could see dysfunction happening if something threatens their dollar, and that would be concerning if, indeed, he feels he would literally be supporting them. Could be he means just helping them out from time to time.

[kayla73]

He seems like a good guy. Don't expect to continue this relationship and then tell him that you won't be with him anymore if he is supporting his sisters forever. That isn't fair to him. Judging him by his childhood also isn't fair. Are you scared you are going to be with him for 10 years and he doesn't propose? The nine year relationship ordeal is normal if two people have been together since a very young age. People change.

 

I can understand your worries, but you have only been on one date. You don't know if you're even going to feel the same about him in a few months. If you want to continue to see where it goes, share your views with him as soon as possible. Tell him you want a family. Tell him your views of independence. If he gets scared and runs away, it wasn't meant to be.

[Toodaloo]

So he is prepared to support his sisters if need be...

 

Funny that, as my brother and I are the same way with each other... Yes we are grown ups but we also find ways to look after each other. If one of us needs a bit of help we give it with out question. OK neither of us are employed but if one of us were we would help...

 

I happen to think that he is actually a very straight forward, caring, easy to get on with sounding chap.

 

If you don't want him, pass me his number...

 

I look younger than I am so may get away with being a cougar!

[katiegrl]

OP, if you don't want to see him (go out with him) again, then don't.

 

You don't need a reason, excuse or justification. You had ONE date.

 

The way you are picking everything apart, it sounds like, for whatever reason, you are just not interested or comfortable going forward (which is OK)...and are trying to find some plausible justification to feel less guilty about that (in your own mind).

 

If you were really into him and totally clicked, none of this would matter...especially after only one date.

 

So do him a favor, tell him you don't wish to pursue anything further, and wish him well.

 

All this overanalyzing and speculation about whether or not he or his family is dysfunctional...after only ONE date...is ridiculous.

[nomadic_butterfly]

He seems like a good guy. Don't expect to continue this relationship and then tell him that you won't be with him anymore if he is supporting his sisters forever. That isn't fair to him. Judging him by his childhood also isn't fair. Are you scared you are going to be with him for 10 years and he doesn't propose? The nine year relationship ordeal is normal if two people have been together since a very young age. People change.

 

I can understand your worries, but you have only been on one date. You don't know if you're even going to feel the same about him in a few months. If you want to continue to see where it goes, share your views with him as soon as possible. Tell him you want a family. Tell him your views of independence. If he gets scared and runs away, it wasn't meant to be.

 

This is true, realized I might have jumped the gun on assumptions because of past experiences, but not enough negates how great I think he is and vice versa (based on what he told me explicitly).

 

It's too soon to lay down marriage stuff, but he did ask me about my last relationship...I wanted to ask what he was looking for but didn't want to appear to intense on a first date...if we even make it to date 3, it is something I will ask.

 

I have no qualms with helping out family; heck I plan to repay my parents for all the hard work they've done and their sacrifices once I reach a certain level of success including helping them restart a business they lost in the recession...only difference is there's no sense of entitlement from my parents, it'd be purely of my own discretion. His parents are old so if he helped them or his family in Asia or the Caribbean, I would have no problem. Just adults with two hands and feet that are able bodied and just lazy, I can't deal with that. I'd rather teach them how to fish than give a fish all the time.

[nomadic_butterfly]

OP, I agree you should nip it in the bud, but in this case, there isn't even a bud. Just because it "appears" that this man had a dysfunctional childhood, doesn't mean he's dysfunctional. Some people are held back because of a dysfunctional childhood and some people are pushed to excellence because of it. They strive to do better than what they left behind. In his case, he may have actually done that -- he's the VP of a marketing company.

 

There are tons of parents who have raised children and done their best. One or two children turn out perfectly and then there's that one who just didn't turn out as well for whatever reason. In this case, it's two to one. We don't have enough information about those two sisters to know what's going on with them. It may not having anything to do with the parenting necessarily.

 

Find out what he wants out of his dating experiences and let him show you what he's capable of over time. Don't get too invested, let it unfold naturally and let him come to you if he wants to. And, keep dating other people

 

This is true too...I will just have to leave my past experiences with men who were emotionally stunted in the past and give him enough of a chance to show who he is as an individual. He told me his parents enable his sisters behavior and didn't approve of that....but anyway, for now I will just get to know him for him

[nomadic_butterfly]

OP, if you don't want to see him (go out with him) again, then don't.

 

You don't need a reason, excuse or justification. You had ONE date.

 

The way you are picking everything apart, it sounds like, for whatever reason, you are just not interested or comfortable going forward (which is OK)...and are trying to find some plausible justification to feel less guilty about that (in your own mind).

 

If you were really into him and totally clicked, none of this would matter...especially after only one date.

 

So do him a favor, tell him you don't wish to pursue anything further, and wish him well.

 

All this overanalyzing and speculation about whether or not he or his family is dysfunctional...after only ONE date...is ridiculous.

 

If I had it all figured out and was compelled to believe I couldn't possibly have any misconceptions, I wouldn't be here asking for outside perspectives, I would dismiss it completely. I clearly thought I may very well be wrong or looking too much into things, which is why I posted. If I didn't like him at all, it wouldn't waste my time or efforts on this board (or anywhere else for that matter).

Edited March 31, 2015 by nomadic_butterfly