newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 So I'm not sure what kind of question I'm asking or if I'm asking one at all. This is more about me letting my feelings out I guess. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. She means a lot to me. She is amazing, has a great job and and 3 year old daughter I adore. Never argued about anything either. But these last few weeks she has become very distant. A couple of days ago I finally asked what was going on. Even asked if there was someone else. Which there wasn't and I should have known better than to ask that. Like I said not sure what I'm asking but I'm over whelmed with a helpless feeling. She said she has dropped hints about what she wants but I guess I never picked up on it. She said she does want to be with me but there will have to be changes for us to continue. In a text I did send I did tell what I thought was wrong and admitted to taking her for granted. I know I messed up in a few areas but I wish she would have been more open with me on how she was feeling instead of just dropping hints. All that being said I'm fairly confident in what I need to do to save this. But I need to take care of myself and be the confident guy she fell for originally. Thanks for reading my concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 So she said she thought there needed to be changes. What changes does she want? Or are you supposed to read her mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's where I'm having issues. She said she would give me hints but I don't feel that's actual communication. But I think an issue is my job. I work nights and I don't exactly enjoy my job which can affect my mood. Been working on this but the way the oil and gas market is right now it's hard to remain positive. But I have been actively looking for better employment that I can make a career out of. Link to post Share on other sites
Carm Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's where I'm having issues. She said she would give me hints but I don't feel that's actual communication. But I think an issue is my job. I work nights and I don't exactly enjoy my job which can affect my mood. Been working on this but the way the oil and gas market is right now it's hard to remain positive. But I have been actively looking for better employment that I can make a career out of. Communication is a two way street. She cannot expect for you to read her mind. She's going to have to be a big girl and start talking. This was a problem for me when I was younger, always expecting the guy to read my mind and it's wrong. If she wants a successful relationship she's going to have to communicate more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Just to add. We've yet to talk about things. But we will probably discussing things later this week. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 She said she would give me hints but I don't feel that's actual communication. I think you're right. Tell her that if she wants you to change, she needs to tell you what things you need to change, because you're not a mind reader, and not interested in playing this immature "hints" game. A job is difficult to change in this economy. If she wants you to change your job then there's only so much you can do. If she leaves you over your job (which she knew about when she signed up, right??) then that's pretty unreasonable, and I would say there's definitely other things going on that you don't know about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well, guys usually don't get hints, they are not as intuitive as women are. If you are down right now, and I can understand why - yeah, that certainly could be what's turning her off... they like a good attitude. There are four things a woman needs long term to stay in love with a man - respect, trust, romance, and affection. So yeah, if you are getting moody, it's not going to be romantic being around you. Life is a toilet bowl. Be the air-freshener for your lady, lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I appreciate the responses. Hopefully we will be able to clear things up. Trying to remain positive for my own sake not just her. Its just confusing. A month ago she wanted me to move in. 2 weeks ago she says she isn't ready for me to move in. Since that little talk two weeks ago ive been worried. But I think I need to give her some more space as well. I know she has a lot on her plate with her job and daughter and I sure as hell don't want to add to it. And since she's distant I've been down about it but afraid to tell her because she says its a sign of weakness and she doesn't like that. Makes me feel like I can't even go to her for help or encouragement when I'm a bad spot. And about my moodyness. Its never me being angry. Just me not looking like I'm having fun. Like I said we've never fought. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) You're speculating about a lot of things and making a lot of assumptions. Big mistake! Ask her point blank, what she means by changes, why she's pulled back, what hints she's given you, what exactly she expected in response to those hints, etc. Why are you afraid to communicate directly with her and to seek clarification? You seem tentative and almost afraid to rock the boat. She's the only person who can tell you what's going on in her mind and what she wants. Stop guessing! Nine times out of ten, you'll be incorrect. You mention that you can't really go to her for support when you're feeling down or facing a tough situation. How do you feel about your relationship in general? Lack of fighting isn't necessarily a positive thing. Sometimes it simply means two people are conflict-avoidant or don't communicate well (which appears to be a major problem here). Good communication is critical if the relationship is to thrive. Edited March 31, 2015 by angel.eyes Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think I need to give her some more space No, communication issues in relationships are not fixed by space. They are fixed by - wait for it - communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You will have to sit her down with no distractions and pull it out of her. You know, different people communicate on different levels of directness. I am very direct and so anyone who is being very subtle, I completely miss their message. You can't hint and get results with me. So sit her down and tell her the hints go right over your head because that's not your normal communication style you grew up with and that when there's issues, she needs to sit you down and be specific. Don't let her give you vague things like "you take me for granted." Make her give you specific examples. And then ask "What other specific actions can I take to show you I care?" And get firm things like helping with the dishes or letting her know you enjoyed dinner or taking out the trash without being told or taking her out on a real date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Guess I have to wait for the sit down. I also think back about how things were a few months ago and I'mtrying to think what iI was doing different other than working a lot. But I have to agree on the conflict avoidant comment. Guess time will tell. I also wonder if she is looking to fill the void that was left when she became a single mom. But not sure how ready Ia m for that. "I think I want too much"....she said this to me a couple of weeks ago. Been thinking about this as well. Link to post Share on other sites
kayla73 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 The problem here is her. She is not sharing what is bothering her and is relying on you to figure it out. How can a relationship progress if there is no communication? When you two do have that talk, you need to make sure you tell her that if something is bothering her, she needs to tell you. Otherwise, the relationship is never going to work. You can't read minds. Don't stress too much until you have a chat with her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Guess I have to wait for the sit down. I also think back about how things were a few months ago and I'mtrying to think what iI was doing different other than working a lot. But I have to agree on the conflict avoidant comment. Guess time will tell. I also wonder if she is looking to fill the void that was left when she became a single mom. But not sure how ready Ia m for that. "I think I want too much"....she said this to me a couple of weeks ago. Been thinking about this as well. I could be wrong here, but I guess when she asked you to move in, you weren't exactly as enthusiastic as she had hoped, so she tells you 2 weeks later "don't bother", in the hope that would perk you up, but that didn't work either, and she is now distant and wondering why she is even bothering at all with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I could be wrong here, but I guess when she asked you to move in, you weren't exactly as enthusiastic as she had hoped, so she tells you 2 weeks later "don't bother", in the hope that would perk you up, but that didn't work either, and she is now distant and wondering why she is even bothering at all with you. You know I didn't even think about this. But its something that I will be sure to bring up. Right now I just trying to not let it bother me. Guess I should be content with the fact that she at least wants to try to open up with me a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 She needs better communication skills. Without that, your relationship won't last. I can't see how she really wants to fix this if she's being cryptic about what she wants to change. But as another poster speculated, could it be something to do with your reaction when she invited you to move in? How did you respond? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 She needs better communication skills. Without that, your relationship won't last. I can't see how she really wants to fix this if she's being cryptic about what she wants to change. But as another poster speculated, could it be something to do with your reaction when she invited you to move in? How did you respond? Well i asked her to wait a few months. As much as I would have wanted to not sure I could have afforded to so quickly. And i guess that scared her. She wants me to help out financially. Which I try to. I understand she has a lot of bills and that she can get stressed out over it. But I think she saw that I was worried about if I would be able to help her out with as much as she had asked. BTW... they laid off quite a few people at the company I work at. I'm safe but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Just another thing for me to worry about, but that's something for another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 She wants me to help out financially. Which I try to. I understand she has a lot of bills and that she can get stressed out over it. But I think she saw that I was worried about if I would be able to help her out with as much as she had asked. BTW... they laid off quite a few people at the company I work at. I'm safe but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Just another thing for me to worry about, but that's something for another thread. Why in the hell should you have to help her out financially? Her bills are her own problem. It's not like you two are married. The fact that she is trying to manipulate you into paying her bills, especially when things are shaky at the company you work for is BS in my opinion. I would start to question her integrity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 She wants me to help out financially. Which I try to. I understand she has a lot of bills and that she can get stressed out over it. But I think she saw that I was worried about if I would be able to help her out with as much as she had asked. Slow down there, cowboy! Why are you paying any of her bills at this stage? Are you her boyfriend or is she with you to cover her bills? If she can't manage her own personal finances and living expenses now when she's single, are you sure this is someone you want to merge finances with down the road? That's typically what sharing a household means. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I am sorry, but I feel she is distant because she is punishing you for not moving faster into marriage. You indicated her hints are things like moving in (hoping that would lead to an engagement?), stress over bills, possibly wanting a father figure for her child, and, of course, poor her just "wanting too much." Sigh. Your desire for more time, career stability, thinking, dating . . . is upsetting her. She already has one failed relationship that produced a child. And she is how old? Don't rush! She is pouting because moving faster sounds good to her! But she may be feeling this way for the wrong reasons, so stay on your own time frame. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I am sorry, but I feel she is distant because she is punishing you for not moving faster into marriage. You indicated her hints are things like moving in (hoping that would lead to an engagement?), stress over bills, possibly wanting a father figure for her child, and, of course, poor her just "wanting too much." Sigh. Your desire for more time, career stability, thinking, dating . . . is upsetting her. She already has one failed relationship that produced a child. And she is how old? Don't rush! She is pouting because moving faster sounds good to her! But she may be feeling this way for the wrong reasons, so stay on your own time frame. Good luck! She is 33. She was actually married for 8 years before that ended in divorce. She met her daughters father when they used to work together. He gets her pregnant and one year later she is serving him with child support papers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 So she gets child support plus her salary and can't manage. I would not move in with her especially since she is already expecting you to pay her bills. First of all tell her you are not a damn mind reader or psychic and you do not take hints. Tell her to tell you what she wants in a mature manner or don't bother. On second thought don't tell her anything this woman wants to use you. Don't move in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 He had a child...he pays child support. Full stop. But why exactly are you supporting her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 So she gets child support plus her salary and can't manage. I would not move in with her especially since she is already expecting you to pay her bills. First of all tell her you are not a damn mind reader or psychic and you do not take hints. Tell her to tell you what she wants in a mature manner or don't bother. On second thought don't tell her anything this woman wants to use you. Don't move in. Not sure she wants me to move in anymore anyways. But don't think she gets a lot of child support because he has to give child support to another woman too. Starting to look forward to this talk we are going to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newguy1008 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 So I've been trying to keep busy so I don't over think all of this. Trying not to bother her. But last night she did text me to let me know she got out of work. Texted her back real but that was it. Then she texts me again this morning wondering why she didn't hear from me last night (i always used to text her goodnight). But I didn't feel like doing it last night. But I did let her know that I have Friday off and that I wanted to get together to talk. I'll ask if she has Friday off too, then maybe we can take care of this Thursday night. Just kind of want to get it over with. But part of me to wants to just not bother. I'm starting to wonder if we are right for each other. Maybe I should just hang out with some friends this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
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