Dating a wonderful man whose divorce is not yet final...

[lillyz]

Might be cathartic just for me to write about this, as I am feeling so torn up inside. If anyone has any thoughtful (and positive) advice based on wisdom/experience, etc... thank you.

 

 

I've been dating a man, initially very very casually, since about mid-December. In the past few weeks, after going on a few trips together, and spending a lot more time together, we are acting more and more like a serious couple, and we've become exclusive. Initially I was the one holding off, insisting on us staying casual, and he was pursuing me hard, talking about possible future, introducing me to his friends, etc. But the more time we've spent together, the closer we've gotten, and I'm starting to fall for him. We both feel we are very compatible, the chemistry and sex is off the charts, and our communication is fantastic (he is by far the best communicator I have ever dated, and is very upfront, honest, and kind with me. I've been floored by his integrity.).

 

Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date, and I proceeded cautiously based on this information. Only recently have I met his son (he is taking things slowly regarding that, btw - which I highly respect). His ex has apparently begun seeing someone else seriously as well. However, things have very recently become nasty between them - a lot of arguing around how to raise their son with co-custody - and she is threatening legal/financial/custody repercussions to him if he doesn't 'play the game' her way. As their divorce is not yet final, this is scary and serious and complex. He wants the divorce finalized... she is dragging it out and making threats.

 

 

This is a terribly difficult situation for him - and I want to be supportive. However, I'm also feeling myself emotionally backing off, because I'm afraid that a new relationship is just too much for him, or I, to take on at this point in their divorce. We've also, however, already become crazy about each other the past couple of months and have openly talked about the future as well. I'm willing to be patient if it is worth it.

 

Also important - he's not sure about marriage in the future - he feels very cynical about it right now (understandable!) - but he said he may change his mind about that, and he definitely thinks he will want more kids at some point and a family - but that it is too soon to tell. He does say that he feels excited about where things could go between the two of us. I know that I desire children and a marriage - not in the next year or two, but shortly thereafter. Family is very important to me - even more important to me is the bond that I would have with my partner in it.

 

Here's where I'm at: I'm already emotionally invested, and crazy about him, but I haven't been for very long. Only for about a month. I'm feeling good about where I am in life and excited for dating and meeting new people if need be - I'm also very busy, but I feel ready to meet someone who I could commit to, marry in the future and have children with. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I feel very in touch with what I need, and what I can offer. This is a good time for me to start something new, even slowly. I never imagined it would be with a man in this situation, and it'd be a lot for me (and him) to take on, but the thought of us becoming solid feels very good.

 

 

At the moment I type this, things have come to a head with his (ex) wife, and he said he needs a few days to process things, because he's feeling extremely stressed about it. So we are apart currently (physically). This is totally understandable, and I told him to take his time and let me know if he needs anything. He said I will be the first he will call.

 

 

I know for many these may seem like red flags (he may not be ready for a new relationship), but given our connection, our shared vision for how we want to live our lives, and the fact that he is talking openly about his emotions around all of this, I'm not wanting to just straight walk away. I also am trying to honor my vision for my life, and protect my heart. Love always involves risks, I know this. I'm trying to simultaneously be cautious, yet courageous. It is so confusing. My heart is saying don't be afraid, stay open and have faith, and my mind is saying take a step back and evaluate.

 

 

The way I see it is we have three choices:

 

A) We continue to deepen our relationship, continue to spend a lot of time together, and I give him the space he needs when he needs it. We then talk about it. I stay patient. We continue to live in the moment, have a lot of fun together, and discuss how we are feeling whenever it comes up for either of us. The risk is that I would be spending a lot of time with someone who is in a major life transition, who might not be able to make a real commitment to me for a very long time (if ever), while I am ready for a serious relationship (not to jump in, but for it to be heading that way...).

 

B) We try to go back to casual, and date other people, while still talking/spending time with one another. This is possible, but I'm not sure I can emotionally handle it now that we have been so vulnerable with each other and have shared so much. It sounds potentially volatile.

 

C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. It also doesn't feel very natural to do this, and realistically his divorce could take up to a year, so a few months might not change anything. I also deeply yearn to be there for him.

 

 

I'm torn, and stressed about this... he and I are in good communication around it, but there are so many factors that are difficult and complicated, that I wanted to type this up. Thank you for listening and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I am thankful. Have a beautiful day. :-)

[Arieswoman]

lillyz,

Here's my take on this as someone who has been there.

 

Do not get involved with any man unless his divorce is finalised and he has been living apart from his wife for at least 2 years.

 

Often men use women (and vice-versa) during the break-up/divorce/moving period for emotional support then will dump them after it's all finalised.

 

Ask him to contact you again when he's got Decree Absolute pinned on his chest and he has his own place. In the meantime concentrate on your own life. You are only 3 months into this, so it won't be too difficult to withdraw.

 

Ask yourself how long you would be prepared to wait for this man to come around? He has a child from his marriage that will be always in the picture (well, at least for 18 years).

Also ask yourself why, if the "marriage has been over for years" they are only just getting divorced? As they have a son aged 2, then it obviously wasn't "over" 2 years and 9 months ago.

 

Too many red flags IMO, tread warily.....

[Toodaloo]

My advice is also to back off.

 

He is going to go through some pretty emotional stuff. He will be all over the place and that is when the divorce is easy...

 

Back off. Take your time.

 

I know it hurts. Been there and its the worst place ever to be.

[Diezel]

A rebound relationship with a married man is NOT an exclusive relationship.

 

Be honest, do you want a whole new family and kids, or do you already want to start dealing with this whole scenario of someone else's kid and past marriage?

[Justanaverageguy]

I'm a guy in the same boat although without kids thankfully. We do however have a dog which was treated as a child and have worked out a shared custody arrangement. (not kidding ) I am 12 months along from my initial break up from my ex-wife and was only able to finalize my divorce last month due to my ex dragging her feet and also some legal hurdles in my home country regarding processing the divorce. So I can speak maybe as someone in a similar situation to the guy your seeing.

 

I think you should tread carefully due to the possibility of a rebound but I think you should also use your own intuition as to judging how far along the break up process he really is. Take things slow - and judge for yourself whether he is ready for another serious relationship. Key for me would be finding out why they broke up - and how he really feels about her now. It depends on the person as to how quickly they move on and whether they are really ready to recommit to another serious relationship. I can tell you from my position - I am totally. I am completely done with my ex and have no residual feelings or desire to get back to her. I also hold no anger or malice towards her. I am completely "over" her.

 

I'm a little worried on your side because of the anger and fights you refer to between them are generally an indication that one of the partners is definitely not over it. The way I knew I was completely over it was when I literally had no feelings at all towards my ex-partner. I didn't have any longing or love for them anymore - but I also didn't have any hate or anger either. It's weird I just became indifferent - neutral - almost like she was a stranger to me now. My breakup was a horrible too .... so for me that indifference was really big for me. That I had processed and released the anger and now was ready to move on with out carrying that baggage. I can speak freely about the process, the breakup and her without getting worked up sad, angry or feeling overly emotional.

 

I would ask him pointed questions about his ex and about the breakup. If he is uncomfortable answering them and you sense a lot of anger or emotion then its highly likely he is still processing the breakup and you should definitely take things very slow as he really isn't finished that moving on process.

 

Also regarding the re-married thing. From my point of view I share his cynicism. I don't think I will never get married again. Once you go through a divorce you begin to understand how little that piece of paper really means and how pointless all the pomp and ceremony is. I would definitely fully commit to another women - maybe even exchange rings as a symbolic gesture but for me a marriage is not really for the couple. It is done for show - for friends and family and society. It would have to be a very special girl to convince me to change my mind on marriage - your guy probably feels the same.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Maleficent]

I don't know...

 

What worries me is that he asked for time off from you. I get he is going through something huge but if anything, spending time with you should be taking the edge off the whole thing.

 

I would feel like he is either emotionally unavailable or just not that into you.

[Toodaloo]

I would feel like he is either emotionally unavailable

 

And this is the worst because they want you and they lead you on and then just can't cope with it and buggar off and leave you in a right blinking mess...

 

They know you are great and they adore you they just can't commit their emotions to you even though they want to...

 

Then they slip in and out of your life, just fecking it up enough to break your heart all over again and again and again and again and again...

 

Yeah - I know I am cynical. But its what happens to me... Couple of months of happiness and being normal with out him, then boom... Emotional wreck all over again... Normal independent woman to complete over emotional freak in ten seconds...

[Gaeta]

You seem to put a lot of emphasis on the fact you have a strong connection. It doesn't matter in your circumstances, it's fabricated on his side. The man is on the rebound and that is how we feel when we're on the rebound, we meet that someone very soon after a separation and we think we are deeply in love but we are not. It's a trick of the brain. A band-aid we were in need of.

 

Yes the fact he wants space is your first clue that this connection you have with him is not a true one on his side.

 

Yes back off for your own good. Cut on communication and on visits, keep busy with something else, I would even say give each other your freedom back and reconnect down the road when his life is back on track.

[DivorcedDad123]

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. I was going through divorce and had been seperated for a year when my current gf and I started dating. I have a feeling his ex is making things difficult because he's found someone else. Mine did the same. It doesn't matter that they're dating also. It's a control issue and as you see, she's going to use the kids to control him as much as possible.

This is where he has to put his foot down. Stop responding to her,unless it's about kids. Put her on "ignore"! She'll get the message sooner or later. By arguing with her, he's playing right into her hand. If he stops then she'll be arguing with herself. The drama and stress will be lessened a good deal.

Through all of this my gf stood by me and supported me. She even helped me prepare my papers for the court hearing. When money was tight,she was the one who picked up the slack. When I was too tired to cook or too stressed to eat, she was the one who brought over dinner. She planned getaways to help with the stress. She never once spoke badly about the kids mom to them,and still doesn't. We're still going strong at almost 2 years now. She is always there for me,and I her.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do,but just know that it CAN work. It doesn't always,and there were women who wouldn't date me while I was going through divorce(which took almost 3 years). No biggie. I found a gem among the stones. Someone who's been battle tested and came out the other side with me. How often does someone find that?

[Gary S]

Unfortunately, that's the problem when you get involved with a person who has a child - a scorned partner/ex can be a big headache. And this is not going to go away with divorce - they have a child together, so they will have a volatile relationship for 16 years. It could get better or worse, you never know.

 

And as others have said, if he is on the rebound, the relationship may not last - dating someone on the rebound, you take a big chance with heartbreak.

 

If you'll date people who have less problems than you do, you'll be a lot better off.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Gary S

[Toodaloo]

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. I was going through divorce and had been seperated for a year when my current gf and I started dating. I have a feeling his ex is making things difficult because he's found someone else. Mine did the same. It doesn't matter that they're dating also. It's a control issue and as you see, she's going to use the kids to control him as much as possible.

This is where he has to put his foot down. Stop responding to her,unless it's about kids. Put her on "ignore"! She'll get the message sooner or later. By arguing with her, he's playing right into her hand. If he stops then she'll be arguing with herself. The drama and stress will be lessened a good deal.

Through all of this my gf stood by me and supported me. She even helped me prepare my papers for the court hearing. When money was tight,she was the one who picked up the slack. When I was too tired to cook or too stressed to eat, she was the one who brought over dinner. She planned getaways to help with the stress. She never once spoke badly about the kids mom to them,and still doesn't. We're still going strong at almost 2 years now. She is always there for me,and I her.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do,but just know that it CAN work. It doesn't always,and there were women who wouldn't date me while I was going through divorce(which took almost 3 years). No biggie. I found a gem among the stones. Someone who's been battle tested and came out the other side with me. How often does someone find that?

 

Difference is that you stuck around and didn't do little disappearing acts...

[preraph]

There's nothing more stressful than a child custody battle. She can threaten all she wants but unless one or the other of them has been abusive or abuses alcohol or substances, there will be joint custody. Meanwhile to get to the point where both will accept that, attorneys will bring up everything they can to use for leverage to get to a settlement.

 

He's asked for space. Do not be threatened by that. This is his business. He can't take all the custody/divorce stress and add to the mix your insecurity and dealing with that. It's no fun being in your position, I get that. I've been through two separations and divorces with guys myself, no kids thank god. Even with the custody battle, there will be times when she still gets all his attention. Dividing up things, they get sentimental and it takes a lot of time. Most couples get back together at least once in the middle of it, but that usually never works out and is just a product of dividing stuff bringing up better times.

 

You need to suck it up right now and take care of your own feelings and not make those his problem. He's overwhelmed right now. He can't deal with any more, and that's why he asked for space. Be a bystander. Do NOT insist on talking about your issues when you do see him and do not insist on being updated on the grisly details of his situation either because your best bet right now is to be a calm port in the storm where he can get away from it and just have sweetness and light for a little while. Otherwise, he will overload and decide he can't handle another relationship right now.

 

So be his port in the storm. Be where he can come for a good meal and a light (very important - LIGHT) easy unwind. Be the one joyful thing in his day.

 

Once it's all over, there will be more adjustments as he finds out he now needs to find time to care for his own kids half the time if he accepts joint custody. Or she may want the kids full time and he might be willing to shell out the child support to enable her to do that without working. But all that is his business.

 

Do take note once it's all over to see how it all shakes out, but do not follow the details. You'll want to know if he opts for taking care of his kids half and half with her or if he pays whatever he has to to keep from having to. It tells you a lot about a man you might one day want to have kids with as to whether he'll help with them only financially or actually take part raising them with you.

[elaine567]

He is in no place to make any future plans.

Whilst you are in a "little house by the river and three flaxen haired children playing by your side" mode, he is in "that b*tch is not getting my money" mode.

 

Be very careful here.

Men like this steal your heart, because they reel you in, everything quickly becomes soooo serious, because just out of a marriage they treat you like their ex, they treat you like you are the love of their life, the person they married, the person they shared their life with, before it all went sour.

It feels for you as if, you have known him all your life, he shares his emotions, he shares his soul, and you are hooked.

 

Only you are not the love of his life, the love of his life is the one battling him in the divorce courts, the love of his life lives with his son, he may wake up to that.

 

In this time out from you, I guess he is evaluating what he is going to do here and weighing up his options. Does he stop the madness and reconcile with his ex and get his son back? Does he carry on with you? Does he need time to grieve? Does he need some uncomplicated space?...

[edgygirl]

I learned my lesson after dating a man going through divorce with children this year. I was against going there in the past, I never dated men with children, but decided to give it a chance as the connection was really good and I tried to be open minded.

 

He was all romantic and over me in the beginning. After a while, he never had time to plan dates and he spent most of his time with the children.

 

Sorry, maybe I'm selfish, but I don't want to feel unimportant and spend weekends by myself.

 

Nah, I'll never go there again. Too much trouble and low guarantee. Bad return on investment.

[Carm]

I'm also dating a man whose divorce is not finalized. He has 4 kids but they are much older. He was single for almost 2 years before we met and I admit I was hesitant at first.

 

 

He had some serious kid issues after we had been together for 6 months and I remember saying to him that I might be another stressor in his life. I honestly was prepared to walk because I seriously cared for him and didn't want to be another burden to him. His response to me that I was the best part of his full plate and that he will deal with it and didn't want me to walk.

 

 

What would concern me about your scenario is that he is pulling a little disappearing act. Mine never did that even though he was going through A LOT....including an ex who was not in a stable position....the fact that my guy never disappeared and did not need to regroup made me feel like I was important to him.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Carm
grammer

[Buddhist]

It seems to me, just cool your heels, for a few months while he works on his personal stuff. No need to bring other dating partners into the mix....why? That's just going to sabotage things or break it off. Nothing is being stressed in your current relationship and he just needs to divert his attention for a bit. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but wouldn't be getting my hopes up either. It could go either way at this point.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Buddhist

[CarrieT]

I also dated a guy going through a divorce. We were together almost a year. He SWORE the marriage "had been over for ages." I thought we were a great couple with a viable future. He told me so as well...

 

Then he had to go to one last mediation with his Ex and - poof! - they reconciled during that one meeting after not having seen each other for months.

 

Never, never again...

[Vercetti]

I lived this. EX and I were completely separated. We both had lawyers retained. There was child and property involved. I was not about to pause my life over someone that had nothing to do with my future.

 

Before started the new relationship put all cards on table of the exact situation and my future plans. There was no emotional drama, it was a lawsuit. Was transparent with all legal hoops. Even made some compromises to push forward quickly, not hurting future plans with petty fighting. I just wanted out.

 

The new relationship started after legal separation. I had no desire to start anything if could be considered cheating. Given what happened with me, in retrospect was being overtly honorable with a phantom idea that utterly disrespected me.

 

All the legal crap is in the past. I'm remarried, in a new city, in a home we built together. There is nothing toxic. Nothing was founded on deceptions. We are happy. There was no reason for us to pass each other up due to paperwork. It would be silly to put life on hold, when already know the direction going and future goals.

 

I'm not saying do or don't go for it. I'm only saying legal is outside someone's control. That does not telegraph rebound / emotionally unstable / or some inane block of time to discover self. I am who I am, the fact someone else took a destructive path and became contradiction. I would have been a fool if I simply watched life go by while waiting for a forgone conclusion. The person I'm with, the city I'm in, the social circle around me...was me finally doing the things I wanted to be happy. I lost enough time over someone that in retrospect was never on the same page and took for granted what I offered.

 

I did have a flash of fear would be dealing with legal issues and a break up. Yet, everything is risky, did not let fear kill my mind...what gave me fear at that point....is laughable now........why did I ever have fear of the stupidity was locked into.

[beach]

I would stay away until his D is completely final.

 

 

You're less likely to be in the middle of his chaos/drama that way.

 

And since he's pulling away that means he intends to offer you less time/attention.

 

You deserve better than being placed on his back burner.

[edgygirl]

Most men going through divorce say that - "it's been over for years, we've been living practically as roommates". Hm, sure.

 

I will never believe that kind of phrase again. Even when it's true, people still need time POST divorce to be ready for a new relationship.

 

My sister met her husband when he was 3 months post divorce with no kids in the 80s. Maybe back then things were different, or maybe it makes a difference not having kids.

 

I also dated a guy going through a divorce. We were together almost a year. He SWORE the marriage "had been over for ages." I thought we were a great couple with a viable future. He told me so as well...

 

Then he had to go to one last mediation with his Ex and - poof! - they reconciled during that one meeting after not having seen each other for months.

 

Never, never again...

[ponchsox]

Don't get involved in an adulterous relatiomship, period.

[inpeices]

Might be cathartic just for me to write about this, as I am feeling so torn up inside. If anyone has any thoughtful (and positive) advice based on wisdom/experience, etc... thank you.

 

 

I've been dating a man, initially very very casually, since about mid-December. In the past few weeks, after going on a few trips together, and spending a lot more time together, we are acting more and more like a serious couple, and we've become exclusive. Initially I was the one holding off, insisting on us staying casual, and he was pursuing me hard, talking about possible future, introducing me to his friends, etc. But the more time we've spent together, the closer we've gotten, and I'm starting to fall for him. We both feel we are very compatible, the chemistry and sex is off the charts, and our communication is fantastic (he is by far the best communicator I have ever dated, and is very upfront, honest, and kind with me. I've been floored by his integrity.).

 

Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date, and I proceeded cautiously based on this information. Only recently have I met his son (he is taking things slowly regarding that, btw - which I highly respect). His ex has apparently begun seeing someone else seriously as well. However, things have very recently become nasty between them - a lot of arguing around how to raise their son with co-custody - and she is threatening legal/financial/custody repercussions to him if he doesn't 'play the game' her way. As their divorce is not yet final, this is scary and serious and complex. He wants the divorce finalized... she is dragging it out and making threats.

 

 

This is a terribly difficult situation for him - and I want to be supportive. However, I'm also feeling myself emotionally backing off, because I'm afraid that a new relationship is just too much for him, or I, to take on at this point in their divorce. We've also, however, already become crazy about each other the past couple of months and have openly talked about the future as well. I'm willing to be patient if it is worth it.

 

Also important - he's not sure about marriage in the future - he feels very cynical about it right now (understandable!) - but he said he may change his mind about that, and he definitely thinks he will want more kids at some point and a family - but that it is too soon to tell. He does say that he feels excited about where things could go between the two of us. I know that I desire children and a marriage - not in the next year or two, but shortly thereafter. Family is very important to me - even more important to me is the bond that I would have with my partner in it.

 

Here's where I'm at: I'm already emotionally invested, and crazy about him, but I haven't been for very long. Only for about a month. I'm feeling good about where I am in life and excited for dating and meeting new people if need be - I'm also very busy, but I feel ready to meet someone who I could commit to, marry in the future and have children with. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I feel very in touch with what I need, and what I can offer. This is a good time for me to start something new, even slowly. I never imagined it would be with a man in this situation, and it'd be a lot for me (and him) to take on, but the thought of us becoming solid feels very good.

 

 

At the moment I type this, things have come to a head with his (ex) wife, and he said he needs a few days to process things, because he's feeling extremely stressed about it. So we are apart currently (physically). This is totally understandable, and I told him to take his time and let me know if he needs anything. He said I will be the first he will call.

 

 

I know for many these may seem like red flags (he may not be ready for a new relationship), but given our connection, our shared vision for how we want to live our lives, and the fact that he is talking openly about his emotions around all of this, I'm not wanting to just straight walk away. I also am trying to honor my vision for my life, and protect my heart. Love always involves risks, I know this. I'm trying to simultaneously be cautious, yet courageous. It is so confusing. My heart is saying don't be afraid, stay open and have faith, and my mind is saying take a step back and evaluate.

 

 

The way I see it is we have three choices:

 

A) We continue to deepen our relationship, continue to spend a lot of time together, and I give him the space he needs when he needs it. We then talk about it. I stay patient. We continue to live in the moment, have a lot of fun together, and discuss how we are feeling whenever it comes up for either of us. The risk is that I would be spending a lot of time with someone who is in a major life transition, who might not be able to make a real commitment to me for a very long time (if ever), while I am ready for a serious relationship (not to jump in, but for it to be heading that way...).

 

B) We try to go back to casual, and date other people, while still talking/spending time with one another. This is possible, but I'm not sure I can emotionally handle it now that we have been so vulnerable with each other and have shared so much. It sounds potentially volatile.

 

C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. It also doesn't feel very natural to do this, and realistically his divorce could take up to a year, so a few months might not change anything. I also deeply yearn to be there for him.

 

 

I'm torn, and stressed about this... he and I are in good communication around it, but there are so many factors that are difficult and complicated, that I wanted to type this up. Thank you for listening and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I am thankful. Have a beautiful day. :-)

 

Really feel for you, have been in a similar situation.

 

I have more questions than possible answers at present..

 

The facts..

You have been dating a man less than 16 weeks

You are sexually connected

He is married

He has a very young child aged 2yrs

 

The 'words'

 

Well you know all these because you have written them..but words are easy in the moment.. Sorry :-/

 

The future

 

Well we can't discuss that as one of you is in the right place to make a future,the other is still processing their previous relationship and has baggage, he also dismisses marriage, something that sounds important to you.

 

What should you do? Cast your mind back 16weeks ago and ask yourself how was your life without him in it? And how has he enhanced your life since you met him?

 

Words such as 'stressed' etc in your post, should not be present at all in such an infancy of a potential 'relationship'

 

My questions are..

 

Separated for 8 months.. Where does he live and with whom?

Who is she seeing? Name, age, pictures, proof

Who looks after this little baby whilst both are busy dating?

Etc etc etc etc..

 

Step carefully here...

 

Look for actions and not words.. Everytime!

And as for dating a separated man/woman.. That is not the issue here.. It's an angry ex that you should be red-flagged about.. If it's been over for years, she should be happy for him!

 

Think about it!

 

I wish you luck x

[DoesntGetIt]

lillyz,

Here's my take on this as someone who has been there.

 

Do not get involved with any man unless his divorce is finalised and he has been living apart from his wife for at least 2 years.

 

Often men use women (and vice-versa) during the break-up/divorce/moving period for emotional support then will dump them after it's all finalised.

 

Ask him to contact you again when he's got Decree Absolute pinned on his chest and he has his own place. In the meantime concentrate on your own life. You are only 3 months into this, so it won't be too difficult to withdraw.

 

Ask yourself how long you would be prepared to wait for this man to come around? He has a child from his marriage that will be always in the picture (well, at least for 18 years).

Also ask yourself why, if the "marriage has been over for years" they are only just getting divorced? As they have a son aged 2, then it obviously wasn't "over" 2 years and 9 months ago.

 

Too many red flags IMO, tread warily.....

 

While I don't disagree with this in general, I wouldn't say it should be a hard and fast rule. In the OP's particular case, I would say it is sage advice and she probably doesn't want to be involved with that situation.

 

 

However, there are other situations not so bad.

 

 

I'm recently separated and although the paperwork is finalized, I can't file until I take some parenting through divorce classes required by my state, and apparently those don't just happen all the time.

 

 

I started dating again, and haven't been using anyone as my emotional crutch, and am perfectly fine with plenty of time alone as well.

 

 

For me, only the first 2 months were tricky and had my life spinning around, after that I was well adjusted. However, my case is also different from the norm in that there wasn't any infidelity, wasn't fighting/hatred, and although it was tough, we separated on good enough terms and still communicate well, especially about our daughter.

 

 

We separated and started divorce fillings because I admitted to my wife I didn't have feelings for her, and hadn't for a while, and that it was something I'd been struggling with for a long time. I suggested councilling, which we tried, and the councilor even said it was a clear cut case for divorce.

 

 

I'm also upfront with my dates about the whole situation so that they can make a clear choice on if it is something they want to pursue given my state of affairs.

 

 

Just went on a date last week where I laid it all out, offered to answer any questions, and following that asked her how she felt about it all and gave her the option to end the date there with no hard feelings if she desired (She'd didn't). I do accept that my situation will result in women who don't want to get wrapped up in it, so I'm always ready for that outcome. Surprisingly, that hasn't happened yet though.

[lillyz]

Well, I posted a new thread on this topic but maybe I should have responded here instead. I nearly forgot that I'd posted this at the end of March - thank you to everyone who responded so kindly.

 

To clarify a couple of things, he and his ex are on better terms and do agree on what the custody of their son will be like once the divorce papers are final, and the 'break/space' he needed from me was only of two days - it was during those two days though, that all these potential red flags started popping up for me.

 

 

I genuinely love him. He's told me that he loves me. Him not being able to give me 'enough' right now could be short-term, or could be longer than I am okay with - there is no way to know. Obviously if it's the former I'll stay, and if it's the latter I will need to leave the relationship.

 

 

Since there is no way to know, I still feel stuck. Yes, it is stressful. It's also the reality as I understand it when dating any man with kids from a previous relationship. But I can't continue with the way things are, so yeah... clueless me is back for suggestions on whether or not a 'break' is really even feasible. What is the most loving thing to do for both of us? My intuition is conflicted.

[beach]

Stay away from him completely until his divorce is final.

 

That's always the proper order of things. He is STILL married.

 

At the very least wait until he's divorced = past tense.