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Is my boyfriend overly-sensitive, or am I insensitive?


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I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and I’m mentally exhausted. My boyfriend and I are very sensitive people and tend to blow the smallest of things out of proportion. Recently, my boyfriend has been complaining that “I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I’m not expressive/affectionate as I should be, this relationship is merely a convenience to me etc etc.” I agree, I am not expressive or affectionate as HE is, but that’s not because I don’t love him, but I have different ways of expressing my love.

 

 

 

So, it was my boyfriend’s birthday last week and we split it up into two days. The day before his birthday we hung out, he opened all the gifts I got for him, cut the cake I got for him, were lovey dovey, and overall had a great time. (I had been planning his birthday for several months, and had been extremely excited about it) Day two – the actual day of his birthday I took him out to dinner at a super romantic and expensive restaurant, but my boyfriend seemed to be out of it. He kept saying that he didn’t feel like it was his birthday today, he had a lot more fun the day before, etc etc. I couldn’t understand why, and then he told me that I hadn’t kissed him as soon as I saw him – I told him I was sorry, but he still didn’t seem to be enjoying the dinner. Then we asked someone to take a picture of us together – but it was in such a hurry, and I was so awkwardly positioned that I didn’t have enough time to wrap my arm around his waist – I immediately apologized to him for this, but he seemed to get even more upset over my ‘inability to take a proper picture on his birthday, making him feel further unloved’. We left the restaurant, and decided to go to a café – but he still seemed to not be in the mood, and I just broke down crying because I had such high hopes for his birthday and dinner – but as usual could not make him feel ‘loved.’ We both went home extremely upset, and unhappy, and I have not contacted him since.

 

 

I’m so sick of constantly being told that I don’t love him as much, or that my actions don’t signify anything. I can’t even tell whether he’s the sensitive one or whether I’m the insensitive one, anymore? We always end up getting moody/upset at each other for the slightest things and it ruins everything. I barely even have friends, so the time I spend with him being out is the only ‘for fun’ activities I do. I feel so consumed and depressed and don’t know what to do.

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He sounds really needy. For a healthy and happy relationship, you need someone with a good attitude.

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What a crying baby.

 

I can't blame you for breaking down in tears after all those efforts to make his birthday a memorable one, he ruins everything because you did not kiss him fast enough?

 

I would not be able to be in a relationship like this. Do you really see yourself long term with this man? through marriage, parenthood, financial struggles, health issues?

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losangelena

How tiring, OP. I'd walk on eggshells too if my guy were like this. Couldn't take a proper photo for his birthday? Pfffft. Give me a break.

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He's overly sensitive. However, you need to make a point to kiss your SO hello & goodbye. The picture could have waited until you were positioned better.

 

 

You both need to learn to pick your battles.

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SincereOnlineGuy

I believe that this person is manipulating you.

 

 

It almost sounds as if nothing you do is good enough for him...

 

 

and because we here at Loveshack get to see behind your curtain and ***know*** your sincerity with regard to how long in advance you anticipated and planned his celebration... we, with your help, are in a unique spot to see his flaws.

 

IF, the next time you are in charge of dishing-out ice cream for the two of you... IF his bowl has just two scoops, and yours has three scoops, THEN we will see clear evidence of your actually 'mistreating him'... but when instead he starts whining about stupid-*ssed bullsh*t which nobody can control or even accurately define (example: "You only love me .73 on a scale of 0 to 1 while I love you .75 on a scale of 0 to 1")... just to get you to effectively grovel and try to satisfy him in some other way, then it is he who is flawed.

 

You did an awesome job of planning that 'day before'... and of course, after all of that, the BF might not feel as though THIS was THE day... but it wasn't WRONG on your part!

 

He's just taking something stupid, and trying to manipulate you with it.

 

Don't allow that to go on - for your own sake!

 

 

Why don't you start keeping a private log of exactly HOW you respond whenever he comes up with these stupid-*ssed complaints about your relationship... and chart whether your own (eagerness to make amends) plays out steadily in such a way where it gives him the upper hand?

 

And then notice his every effort concentrated on bringing you back to THAT point, which he likes to take advantage of.

 

(whether that point be signified by your crying, your vulnerability, or whatever else)

 

 

He is manipulative, and you deserve better.

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fitnessfan365

It seems like the gender roles and sexual polarity is reversed. You have the woman acting like the guy saying that actions should be enough and the "man" being overly emotional and extremely feminine. These days, some guys just don't have any balls. The man should lead, keep his woman safe, and demonstrate how he feels through his actions. The woman should be feminine, loyal, caring, and simply worried about showing up and looking hot to be a good girl later on in the bedroom. ;)

 

This wuss essentially had two birthday celebrations given to him. One day he was waited on hand and foot, and the next he was treated to an expensive dinner. Yet he claims that you don't care about him enough? Do yourself a favor and dump this guy so you can replace him with one that doesn't have any estrogen in his system. I mean how you can be happy when you're essentially dating another woman?

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He sounds manipulative and needy... You shouldn't have to feel bad about the birthday you're trying to throw for him, I don't know what his deal is.

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Wow...

 

Every time I get concerned about being single, I just have to log on here and see some of the absolute *head cases* women are willing to struggle on with.

 

He's being needy. Everyone in this thread will tell you the same thing. He's using manipulation to make it seem like it's your issue, but he sounds *super insecure*.

 

Sadly, this is only something he can come to terms with. Mainly as a maturity issue.

 

Wish you the best. I think you deserve better.

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the "man" being overly emotional and extremely feminine. These days, some guys just don't have any balls. The man should lead, keep his woman safe, and demonstrate how he feels through his actions. The woman should be feminine, loyal, caring, and simply worried about showing up and looking hot to be a good girl later on in the bedroom. ;)

 

And all of that would be fine if this was 1890. Grown females are women not girls btw.

 

He sounds immature to me, not feminine. Being a whiney arse ingrate isn't a female trait. :rolleyes: It's the trait of someone behaving like a spoiled brat.

 

What he needs is a gf who doesn't wait on him hand and foot and instead leaves him to deal with his stuff. He doesn't like the birthday you planned for him? No problem, don't plan one next year. You don't kiss him fast enough, see how he likes being single instead. The little boy needs to grow up, he won't do that while you are continuously pacifying his ill temper. Send him to the naughty corner, its where all bad children go. When he's got his big kid pants on, he'll be ready to relate to other people on an adult level.

 

It sounds like someone never got given boundaries when he was little.

Edited by Buddhist
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losangelena
The woman should be feminine, loyal, caring, and simply worried about showing up and looking hot to be a good girl later on in the bedroom. ;)

 

So glad you think all a woman needs to do is look hot for her man. How progressive. :rolleyes:

 

Do yourself a favor and dump this guy so you can replace him with one that doesn't have any estrogen in his system

 

Yes, this I agree with.

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fitnessfan365
And all of that would be fine if this was 1890.

 

Yes Buddhist, I know that you're more of a progressive feminist. You're entitled to your opinions and beliefs. However, just because you disagree with a viewpoint, doesn't mean you shouldn't respect the fact that there are a lot of men and women that still appreciate a traditional dynamic.

 

I think there are actually a lot of misconceptions people have about the Dom/sub dynamic.A submissive woman isn't weak, nor is she a Stepford personality. She's independent and has her own opinions. But she is attracted to her man's strength. She also trusts that he knows her well enough to make general decisions with anything from the bedroom to the type of dates they go on. There is actually a lot of intimacy involved in this.

 

Just like a Dom keeps his woman safe, and genuinely cares and treasures her never acting like a control freak. If she expresses an opinion about wanting something different, he knows the value of compromise. I honestly believe that when a woman comes from a place of feminine energy and puts ultimate trust in her man, that relationships flourish. It has a natural flow to it.

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so you can replace him with one that doesn't have any estrogen in his system.

 

The she would have to give up dating humans, because all of them have estrogen in their system, including you. Just like all women have testosterone in their system. Both hormones are required by both genders, the prevalence of each is the only thing that varies.

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fitnessfan365
The she would have to give up dating humans, because all of them have estrogen in their system, including you. Just like all women have testosterone in their system. Both hormones are required by both genders, the prevalence of each is the only thing that varies.

 

Haha.. Buddhist you're actually kind of a feisty smart ass.

 

But you know exactly what I mean. There is the regular amount of estrogen all humans have, and then there are men that act as if they have an over abundance of it.

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Fleur de cactus

Yeah, he needs constant admiration and this is not good for an adult person. Just to be with you could make him happy without fighting over a picture. That is childish. He wants to be the center of everything and wants you to think that you did not do enough. One day he may leave you and will tell you that it is your fault because you do not love him enough. He is this kind of love sucker, be careful because you may find yourself emotionally drained from keeping trying so hard. But the question I have for you: does he show you love? How much does he do to show his love. He is immature, don't listen to him, just tell him to grow up or leave.

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He sounds excessively dramatic, immature, and self-centered, IMO. The appropriate response to all the effort you put in for his birthday should be 'thank you!', not 'OMG you didn't kiss me as soon as you saw me today, you don't love me!'.

 

Most people learn fairly early in life that they aren't entitled to other people reading their minds and making sure that everything is 100.00000% the way they want it. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like your bf has picked up on that extremely important lesson. Was he excessively spoiled by his parents as a kid?

 

I would strongly suggest you telling this to him, and showing him the door if he isn't interested in trying to change.

 

(And yes, I would have said the exact same thing if the genders had been reversed. This has NOTHING to do with genders, masculinity, or femininity. His response would've been completely inappropriate had he been a woman, too.)

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My boyfriend and I are very sensitive people and tend to blow the smallest of things out of proportion.

 

It's easy to blow things out of proportion when you have something that's been bothering you. Things you normally wouldn't even notice have much greater significance to you.

 

But, wow, he is being really petty about his birthday. He pouted all night about you not kissing him when you saw him? He could have asked for a kiss or just gone in for one. And if he was really bothered by not getting a "proper picture" he could have set up another one to his liking. But it's like he took these tiny little issues and used them to make a point when he should have just appreciated the effort you went to and tried to enjoy his birthday. He was being super hard on you, and I think it was really unfair.

 

His issue with how you express affection might be completely legitimate, but it's really hard to take him seriously when he complains about stupid things when you're clearly trying to make an effort. You should have a serious conversation with him about everything.

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Winston_Smith
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and I’m mentally exhausted. My boyfriend and I are very sensitive people and tend to blow the smallest of things out of proportion. Recently, my boyfriend has been complaining that “I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I’m not expressive/affectionate as I should be, this relationship is merely a convenience to me etc etc.” I agree, I am not expressive or affectionate as HE is, but that’s not because I don’t love him, but I have different ways of expressing my love.

 

 

 

So, it was my boyfriend’s birthday last week and we split it up into two days. The day before his birthday we hung out, he opened all the gifts I got for him, cut the cake I got for him, were lovey dovey, and overall had a great time. (I had been planning his birthday for several months, and had been extremely excited about it) Day two – the actual day of his birthday I took him out to dinner at a super romantic and expensive restaurant, but my boyfriend seemed to be out of it. He kept saying that he didn’t feel like it was his birthday today, he had a lot more fun the day before, etc etc. I couldn’t understand why, and then he told me that I hadn’t kissed him as soon as I saw him – I told him I was sorry, but he still didn’t seem to be enjoying the dinner. Then we asked someone to take a picture of us together – but it was in such a hurry, and I was so awkwardly positioned that I didn’t have enough time to wrap my arm around his waist – I immediately apologized to him for this, but he seemed to get even more upset over my ‘inability to take a proper picture on his birthday, making him feel further unloved’. We left the restaurant, and decided to go to a café – but he still seemed to not be in the mood, and I just broke down crying because I had such high hopes for his birthday and dinner – but as usual could not make him feel ‘loved.’ We both went home extremely upset, and unhappy, and I have not contacted him since.

 

 

I’m so sick of constantly being told that I don’t love him as much, or that my actions don’t signify anything. I can’t even tell whether he’s the sensitive one or whether I’m the insensitive one, anymore? We always end up getting moody/upset at each other for the slightest things and it ruins everything. I barely even have friends, so the time I spend with him being out is the only ‘for fun’ activities I do. I feel so consumed and depressed and don’t know what to do.

 

Reading only your side of the story, we can't help but feel for you and think that the man is question is a total douche. So allow me to play Devil's advocate and take the side of the said douche just for the sake of discussion.

 

If you had to be reminded to give him a simple kiss, on his birthday, then you probably are on the unaffectionate side. Now, if he became upset because you refused to do something kinky for him that you're comfortable with, then I'd have more sympathy for you. Sure, you have a different way of expressing your love. That doesn't make his claims invalid. Maybe you don't really love this guy. Otherwise, you'd show him love in a way that resonates with his idea of it.

 

You said "[we] are very sensitive..." and "We always end up getting moody/upset at each other for the slightest things." The collective "we" to me suggests that you admit some responsibility for the state of your relationship. You've told us what he's like. Let's hear about you.

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Zehera,

Here is your clue;

 

I feel so consumed and depressed and don’t know what to do.

 

Please walk away from this needy man-child.

 

I spent 5 years in a marriage with someone who I just couldn't make happy. No matter how much I loved him, did stuff for him, etc he was never happy or enthusiastic about anything.

After 5 years I was emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausted and told him I wanted more input from him and I wan't going to tie myself in knots any more trying to please him.

His response was to go and cheat. :rolleyes:

So I divorced him and now he's someone else's problem :)

 

You can't change this guy's behaviour, only your own. Packing a suitcase would be a good start.

 

I'm sorry.

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You two aren't compatible. End this relationship. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it doesn't matter. You two shouldn't be together.

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Thank you for all the responses everyone.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised by a single mom, and his father abandoned him at a young age.

 

 

Well he called me last night asking why he was being 'ignored.' I said I wasn't ignoring him, but was feeling mentally upset, and I knew contacting him would only cause another fight - making things worse. He said my logic was stupid because without talking to him matters would become worse as we would not be able to 'fix' anything if I was ignoring him. He went on to say I have no right to feel upset, and if anyone should be upset it's HIM because it was his 'special day'. I told him I was merely upset because I had a lot planned for his birthday and the ONE day I didn't want us to fight over something stupid - we fought again. I told him straight up that I was mentally sick of all our fighting, and am not interested in that - if he wants to move forward WITHOUT fighting, we can do that, otherwise I have no energy. He then starts saying things like "if I want to act tough, then he can play that game as well, and he'll destroy me in that game." (whatever that means) Alas, we continued to fight all night long until I told him he was crazy, and he told me I was the craziest person he ever met, and I hung up the phone.

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Again, break up with him.

 

You are his girlfriend, not his arch-nemesis. Who actually says, "I'll destroy you in that game"?

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Yeah, he needs constant admiration and this is not good for an adult person. Just to be with you could make him happy without fighting over a picture. That is childish. He wants to be the center of everything and wants you to think that you did not do enough. One day he may leave you and will tell you that it is your fault because you do not love him enough. He is this kind of love sucker, be careful because you may find yourself emotionally drained from keeping trying so hard. But the question I have for you: does he show you love? How much does he do to show his love. He is immature, don't listen to him, just tell him to grow up or leave.

 

Yes, he does show me a lot of love. I won't take the credit away from him for that. He's the most affectionate/loving guy I've ever met (perhaps because he's in touch with his feminine side?) but he's constantly telling me how I fail to make him feel loved in return, how I'll never be at HIS level of loving, how my actions don't signify anything...And I just don't know what to do in that regard. I mean, I think if I got a chance to breathe, not fight, not cry myself to sleep every night, I'd PROBABLY be more focused towards loving him.

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