pecansandy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Ive been dating this guy for 9 months now. We are both in our early 40's. We get along great but its not turning out as I had hoped. He refuses to tell me he loves me only that he has feelings for me. Sleepovers are rare because he is a light sleeper, any romantic time happens on our weekly visits. He comes and has dinner...we talk..watch tv...if any mood for romance it happens..then he is on his way back home, or vise versa. We have been seeing each other at least 5 times a week. He is a landscaper so during the winter months we had a lot of time to spend together but now that spring has hit, he told me he is going to be very busy and once spring is over and things settle down he will have more time to spend with me. I totally understood but he never fully explained how it will be. We are talking no contact whatsoever...Ive tried calling him a few times, sometimes no answer, but if he does answer he sounds annoyed and tired. He says he is trying to fix some financial issues and is just mainly focused on getting as many jobs as he can. I understand perfectly but why can't he call for at least a minute to say hey whats up, how was your day? Its not happening. When I ask him why I can't get one minute of his time for that all he can say is "I know you don't like any of this, but its how it has to be" Then he went on and said this is why none of his relationships ever work out because of this and all the girlfriends he ever had take off. Im trying to be supportive but how can he expect me to live like this?? I think its ridiculous but he doesn't seem to want to compromise or bend. Ive kind of known all along this guy has some sort of emotionally unavailability going on but this takes the cake. I feel totally abandoned and discarded. I don't want to be like the others and take off...we seem to hit it off pretty well but Im sick of everything being on his terms. If he really cared he would at least call me a few times a week to see how Im doing. I feel like such a fool every time I try to contact him...so Ive decided NO CONTACT from my end...he has to call me. I feel so broken hearted...Im trying to be as understanding as possible but I also understand why the others 'took off'. Anybody else dealing with a guy like this? Ive invested so much time into him and the relationship so Im just angry and hurt and frustrated...its so hard to let go, not sure what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Ugh, I hate to be a pessimist. Drop him though. It's the only way. Make it clear as to why (good communication) without going crazy or talking too long. He will straighten up if he's interested, and you can move on if you don't hear from him. I don't think it's good though. sorry 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If you haven't already done so, have a look at Natalie Lue's work. She's the expert on unavailable men 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Um, exsqueeze me, but if he is seeing you five days per week, why do you need to also talk on the phone? Can't you talk when you get together? I wonder if you are too needy? I'm just sayin'. I can understand phone calls on the days you don't see each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pecansandy Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thats the thing, we aren't seeing each other. He isn't even calling me. Or texting....its just silence on his part. We were seeing each other 5 times a week then it suddenly and abruptly stopped because he said spring has hit and he will be busy with his landscaping work. I was willing to compromise with us not seeing each other for awhile but the no contact thing at all is really getting to me and I don't understand how he can be like that when we are in a relationship. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks...Ive called him a few times but I go straight to voicemail, he has picked up once and just sounded annoyed and tired. Said he is busy digging out a financial distress hole he has put himself in so its working from morning to night and doesn't have time for anything or anyone except this. He said he is tired of seeing all of his friends finally settled down in their lives..and at 43 he hasn't gotten there yet. He said I'm so sweet and it bothers him he has nothing to offer me. But once spring is over he will be back on top of his game and we can "continue" I guess is what he meant....dont know if I should see how things go when spring is over or what... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 hhmmmm the old trick: That is why all my girlfriends have left. Then you feel like it's a challenge and you will show him you are not like the other women that went through his life. Nope: You will take on even more crap than ANY other woman he's met so far!!! right? Hun, you are past your 40th birthday. You're supposed to have learn a thing or 2 by now. The fist thing you should know is that you cannot change a man, and if you are unhappy you owe it to yourself to move on to find happiness. Honestly I don't see what you find fulfilling in this relationship other than he fills a void. You cook for him, and then you watch tv. Really? My parents are 68-75 and they have a more exciting life. Don't settle for something so mediocre. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks...Ive called him a few times but I go straight to voicemail, he has picked up once and just sounded annoyed and tired. I would not consider myself in a relationship if I were treated this way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pecansandy Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I really don't know a thing or two actually...Im new to the dating thing..I was married for 15 years..Ive been divorced for 2 years and this is the first real relationship Ive had since the divorce and never experienced a man like this so was doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt. Your right I can't change a man, especially him and especially at his age.. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It would be one thing if you only saw each other 2-3x a week. Then I could see upping phone communication. But you guys see each other FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Since you're together almost every day, he needs a few days a week to himself. That's why he doesn't want to spend his alone time talking with you on the phone. Also, since when is there a time limit on falling in love? Just because you've been together nine months, doesn't guarantee that a guy will fall in love with you. It sounds like you're being a bit demanding and clingy OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 How long his longest relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Loving an emotionally unavailable person is draining, you know how it feel, trust you guts, he is not going to change, If you do not want to be hurt more, end this relationship before it is too late. He already told you the truth, other women left because of how he is. If you stay accept him the way he is without expecting him to change. Or make your decision and end it. Believe me, emotionally unavailable know who they are, and they know who to pick in terms of who may have patience with them. Thank about it and make up your mind. all the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It would be one thing if you only saw each other 2-3x a week. Then I could see upping phone communication. But you guys see each other FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Since you're together almost every day, he needs a few days a week to himself. That's why he doesn't want to spend his alone time talking with you on the phone. Also, since when is there a time limit on falling in love? Just because you've been together nine months, doesn't guarantee that a guy will fall in love with you. It sounds like you're being a bit demanding and clingy OP. If I understand well they are not seeing each other 5 times a week anymore. He is busy with his job so she does not see him at all, and he didn't call or pick up her call in 2 weeks. Personally if you have not fallen in love in 9 months, chances are you won't ever. I would say it's truer with men as they fall in love faster than women. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 at age 43 he still got nothing on his plate. what do you see in him OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkdisney Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 PecanSandy - have you ever been over to his house or are your only dates where he comes over to your house, you cook for him, give him sex, and he leaves? Does he ever take you out? It almost sounds like he's hiding something, like are you sure he's not married? I was married for 13 years and felt like a ship floating in the ocean that first year and I was doing the on-line dating bit and finding tons of men who wanted only sex and no strings attached, etc....but I quickly found out after getting burned a few times that it's better to be alone than try to make someone emotionally unavailable fall in love with me. I am really sorry you're going through this, and you deserve so much better. You've already gotten through 2 weeks with NC, you can do it now for good and find someone much better for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I knew a guy like this. He's compartmentalized. When he's trying to concentrate on one thing, that's all he can do. He's trying to concentrate on his finances. For goodness sake, don't you have enough of a life outside of him that you can entertain yourself while he takes care of himself. And you must know that as people reach middle age, there are often aches and pains and health things and arthritis and, yes, gassiness, that may prevent them from sleeping comfortably with someone. Look, he is what he is. For me, he's about all the relationship I could handle. For you, you're wanting a more full-time companion. I'm telling you though, he's compartmentalized. He told you what was happening. He didn't just disappear. There are many men who do not feel they can court a woman with a straight face as long as they are in financial straits. And actually, they are mostly right about that. The guy I knew was LDR and we were so close to finally getting together when his new job fell through of politics, literally. I honestly believe that at that time he felt he was not worthy to get into a relationship and couldn't concentrate on it until he got his footing again. He reconnected some months later, as I recall. But as long as his employment remained spotty, so did he. I honestly don't think that's a bad thing. Lawn work is seasonal. Hopefully this guy of yours will find something more steady, but the truth is if he works dawn to dusk during the peak time, he can live off it the rest of the year. But he'll be too tired for anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It would be one thing if you only saw each other 2-3x a week. Then I could see upping phone communication. But you guys see each other FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Since you're together almost every day, he needs a few days a week to himself. That's why he doesn't want to spend his alone time talking with you on the phone. Also, since when is there a time limit on falling in love? Just because you've been together nine months, doesn't guarantee that a guy will fall in love with you. It sounds like you're being a bit demanding and clingy OP. ff, read the subsequent posts. That's how it started, but that's not how it is now. He hasn't called in two weeks..and when she called, he sounded annoyed. OP, the reason he sounded annoyed when you called was because he WAS annoyed. If you want to continue seeing him (I wouldn't be..that's for darn sure)... you need to leave him alone. Don't call, don't text, NOTHING. This guy needs space and LOTS of it. If you can't deal with that, move on. But again if you want to stay ...then just leave him alone. Let him wonder about you, why you are not calling him (bugging him). Let him miss you! Guarantee the girl who finally gets this guy to the alter, will be a girl who knows how and when to LEAVE HIM ALONE. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yeah I pretty much just went off the opening post in the thread. If he hasn't been in contact for two weeks, that's a different story. I think at this point, it's safe to say that he's on his way out. But I gotta be honest. If I was seeing a woman 5x a week and she was complaining that I didn't call her on the phone enough and put a time table on falling in love, I'd probably want out too. But I'd at least have the balls to properly break up with her in person. Just disappearing, especially after nine months, is pretty cowardly on the guy's part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 ff, read the subsequent posts. That's how it started, but that's not how it is now. He hasn't called in two weeks..and when she called, he sounded annoyed. OP, the reason he sounded annoyed when you called was because he WAS annoyed. If you want to continue seeing him (I wouldn't be..that's for darn sure)... you need to leave him alone. Don't call, don't text, NOTHING. This guy needs space and LOTS of it. If you can't deal with that, move on. But again if you want to stay ...then just leave him alone. Let him wonder about you, why you are not calling him (bugging him). Let him miss you! Guarantee the girl who finally gets this guy to the alter, will be a girl who knows how and when to LEAVE HIM ALONE. I think its a bit hard to leave someone alone for a whole season.... I think the girl who can do that is the one who doesn't care/love him that much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think its a bit hard to leave someone alone for a whole season.... I think the girl who can do that is the one who doesn't care/love him that much. If she left him alone when he needs space (instead of annoying him with questions like "why can't I have at least a minute of your time?...blah blah blah.....he might not want or need to be alone for a whole season! I can tell you this with certainty, he is not going to want to move closer to her while she is pushing him about it. All that will do is push him FURTHER away...which is exactly what's happening now. And I disagree that a woman who knows how and when to give her man space (i.e. leaves him alone when he needs to be) doesn't care or love him. To the contrary she may love him MORE because she "understands" him and is UNSELFISH in her love. She doesn't demand his constant attention..and when he needs his space, she graciously gives it to him...because she LOVES him! Love is not demanding, love is not needy. Love is understanding and accepting. Love is unselfish... Most women don't understand this. They don't understand that men need space sometimes. Some more than others. They take it so personally, become insecure, then start whining and chasing...which only inclines him to want even MORE space! MY man needs ALOT...and I graciously give it to him without whining about it. Hell, I need MY space too! My earlier advice still holds. She just needs to leave him alone... and allow him the space to wonder about her...and to miss her!! If she can do that...with grace...guarantee he will NOT wish to be away from her for a whole season... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Love is not demanding, love is not needy. Love is understanding and accepting. Love is unselfish... AWESOME. You know Katie, you continue to prove the blonde stereotype wrong with your intelligent insights. Plus, it's great that you get the concept of space and that you like yours too. One reason why my woman has made such an impression is because she hasn't acted clingy whatsoever. So nice that she doesn't blow up my phone with lame small talk all the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 If she left him alone when he needs space (instead of annoying him with questions like "why can't I have at least a minute of your time?...blah blah blah.....he might not want or need to be alone for a whole season! I can tell you this with certainty, he is not going to want to move closer to her while she is pushing him about it. All that will do is push him FURTHER away...which is exactly what's happening now. And I disagree that a woman who knows how and when to give her man space (i.e. leaves him alone when he needs to be) doesn't care or love him. To the contrary she may love him MORE because she "understands" him and is UNSELFISH in her love. She doesn't demand his constant attention..and when he needs his space, she graciously gives it to him...because she LOVES him! Love is not demanding, love is not needy. Love is understanding and accepting. Love is unselfish... Most women don't understand this. They don't understand that men need space sometimes. Some more than others. They take it so personally, become insecure, then start whining and chasing...which only inclines him to want even MORE space! MY man needs ALOT...and I graciously give it to him without whining about it. Hell, I need MY space too! My earlier advice still holds. She just needs to leave him alone... and allow him the space to wonder about her...and to miss her!! If she can do that...with grace...guarantee he will NOT wish to be away from her for a whole season... I thought OP only started complaining after he lost contact for 2 weeks? 2 weeks no contact is unacceptable for me and does no longer belong to " give him space" category. 2 days is ok not 2 weeks. If a woman is happy not to contact her lover for 2 weeks I really dont believe she cares much about him. Anyway I still think he hasn't got much on his plate and is not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I thought OP only started complaining after he lost contact for 2 weeks? 2 weeks no contact is unacceptable for me and does no longer belong to " give him space" category. 2 days is ok not 2 weeks. If a woman is happy not to contact her lover for 2 weeks I really dont believe she cares much about him. Anyway I still think he hasn't got much on his plate and is not worth it. Two weeks would not be okay with me either....and within that time I would give him one call..not to complain or whine..but just to check in. If my call was met with annoyance and/or indifference... that's my cue to LEAVE. Like forever. But the OP doesn't want to leave, she wants to stay and work it out. In that case, like I said she needs to leave him alone cause again if she doesn't and continues to chase him, bombarding him with questions.. etc...all that will do is push him away further...and he may never want to go back... Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Two weeks would not be okay with me either....and within that time I would give him one call..not to complain or whine..but just to check in. If my call was met with annoyance and/or indifference... that's my cue to LEAVE. Like forever. But the OP doesn't want to leave, she wants to stay and work it out. In that case, like I said she needs to leave him alone cause again if she doesn't and continues to chase him, bombarding him with questions.. etc...all that will do is push him away further...and he may never want to go back... Well to be perfectly honest, I can understand why the guy wanted time away. In her opening post she said that they were originally spending at least five nights a week together. This means sometimes it was even more. Yet despite all the time they spent in person, she was still pestering him about why he wasn't calling her. With spending that much time together, phone calls aren't needed. Then she complains that he sounded bugged when he would call him on one of his few days of personal time. I would feel the same way. It's like "We just spent the last five nights together, and now you want to talk on the phone too?" Plus, I think one of the lamest things I have heard lately is her saying that a guy is "emotionally unavailable" because he didn't fall in love within a certain time frame. As you say, love can't be forced. Yet him spending five days plus a week with her and stressing that he cares isn't enough. She sounds pretty clingy IMO. Edited March 31, 2015 by fitnessfan365 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Well to be perfectly honest, I can understand why the guy wanted time away. In her opening post she said that they were originally spending at least five nights a week together. This means sometimes it was even more. Yet despite all the time they spent in person, she was still pestering him about why he wasn't calling her. With spending that much time together, phone calls aren't needed. Then she complains that he sounded bugged when he would call him on one of his few days of personal time. I would feel the same way. It's like "We just spent the last five nights together, and now you want to talk on the phone too?" Plus, I think one of the lamest things I have heard lately is her saying that a guy is "emotionally unavailable" because he didn't fall in love within a certain time frame. As you say, love can't be forced. Yet him spending five days plus a week with her and stressing that he cares isn't enough. She sounds pretty clingy IMO. She didn't ask him to call her when they were spending 5 days a week together. She asked for a call when he lost contact for two weeks. I think it's perfectly normal. Yes 5 days a week is a lot but that doesn't mean later on he can disappear for a whole season. Like he used out all his quota with her for the year or something? LOL Honestly I don't even think by giving him space, OP can have him back. Sounded to me like he just lost interest. If not, then he is very unstable. He is probably not in a good life/finance situation to have a full relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 She didn't ask him to call her when they were spending 5 days a week together. She asked for a call when he lost contact for two weeks. I think it's perfectly normal. Yes 5 days a week is a lot but that doesn't mean later on he can disappear for a whole season. Like he used out all his quota with her for the year or something? LOL Honestly I don't even think by giving him space, OP can have him back. Sounded to me like he just lost interest. If not, then he is very unstable. He is probably not in a good life/finance situation to have a full relationship. Wow.. you're right. I have continued to make wrong judgements in this thread and for that I apologize to the OP. I think it's because the original post is one big block of text with no sentence structure or paragraphs. It's definitely throwing me off a bit. However, now that I re-read it closer, she does say that she started asking for the calls after he pulled away and started spending less time with her. BUT...That still doesn't change my opinion on her claiming that he has to fall in love in a certain time frame. When he was spending all that time with her and expressing that he cared, that should have been enough. If she was always dropping hints about why he isn't love yet, etc that could get old. Just saying.. Link to post Share on other sites
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