LDR boyfriend losing interest. Relationship going downhill?

[Kitkatleen24]

So we have been dating for a year, due to our schedules, the earliest we can meet up is May. Throughout the whole of march, we have been arguing alot mainly due to me and loads of stress from both side (work/school)... Last week he decided it was the last straw & he's leaving but eventually after a long talk, he decided to work it out with me again till we meet up.

 

Recently he have been occupied with his work, school work and social life. I admit that almost all the fights are due to my trust issues. I get paranoid and it have been going downhill till a few days ago. I've been trying to change for the better and we haven't had a fight. But I still feel he was distant so I asked him what was wrong.

 

He admitted that he neglected me for the past week due to work and school work. Exams are coming up pretty soon. I totally understand that but what I didn't expect him to admit to is, his loss of interest. He told me he still loves me and he don't understand what's wrong himself. His feelings changed but he have been trying to work it out. He also explained that his distance wasnt due to loss of interest but due to his busy schedule. I believed that as he still calls me everyday even for 5 minutes..

 

I don't know what changed. I know it was really hard recently but now it's turning to the better. What should I do? Give him space or just be loving as usual? He wants to work things out, and so do I. I admit it was always me who start all those fights. Like over him adding a girl on social media, basically any interactions with females. He have done nothing like cheating, it was my past baggage. I've been seeking professional help, that's why I've been positive these few days and he noticed that I've been trying really hard. He say he still loves me but it take time.

 

I'll appreciate all advice, be it good or bad. Thank you everyone!

[Mrin]

I'm unclear. Have you guys met in person yet? Also, how old are you two?

[Kitkatleen24]

I'm unclear. Have you guys met in person yet? Also, how old are you two?

 

We are both 25. Meeting up at May. I know what you're trying to get at. But please focus on the main topic

[ExpatInItaly]

We are both 25. Meeting up at May. I know what you're trying to get at. But please focus on the main topic

 

OP, this is part of the topic. Have you not met in person before? If not, that is a huge part of the problem. Don't minimize it. What you need to understand is that you haven't "dated" if you have never spent any time together offline and actually gone on a date. He seems to be realizing that. A year is too long to sustain an online relationship without meeting. Give him space.

Edited March 30, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Kitkatleen24]

OP, this is part of the topic. Have you not met in person before? If not, that is a huge part of the problem. Don't minimize it. What you need to understand is that you haven't "dated" if you have never spent any time together offline and actually gone on a date. He seems to be realizing that. A year is too long to sustain an online relationship without meeting. Give him space.

 

I'm sorry I didn't know that it's part of the issue.. Thanks for the advice! I guess he realised it after we keep fighting. In a LDr, you can't make it up by actions. I guess he must have been feeling really drained. He said he was tired of all the fights but he loves me. So your advice is to step back..? Or should I just be as loving as before? I don't know what to do. He is having his finals soon and I just want to be supportive. Or is it better to give him space and wait till he text me instead? I'm just afraid if I back off, it will go downhill more.

[kendahke]

I don't know what changed.

 

This:

 

Throughout the whole of march, we have been arguing alot mainly due to me

 

 

 

Arguing can cause disinterest.

[Kitkatleen24]

This:

 

 

 

 

 

Arguing can cause disinterest.

 

Is there any way to save it? Will it change of we stop arguing?

[kendahke]

I'm sorry I didn't know that it's part of the issue.. Thanks for the advice! I guess he realised it after we keep fighting. In a LDr, you can't make it up by actions. I guess he must have been feeling really drained. He said he was tired of all the fights but he loves me. So your advice is to step back..? Or should I just be as loving as before? I don't know what to do. He is having his finals soon and I just want to be supportive. Or is it better to give him space and wait till he text me instead? I'm just afraid if I back off, it will go downhill more.

 

From my experience with LDR, it's already gone downhill--and mine didn't have any fighting involved. It's the distance and the not being in the same location that's killed this. Interest can go only so long--there has to be regular in-person interaction for it to thrive. Arguing and fighting with someone you have not even met in person is pointless.

 

If you can't resolve issues without fighting and arguing, then he's seeing that no matter how much he may feel towards you, the fighting has broken the camel's back.

[kendahke]

Is there any way to save it? Will it change of we stop arguing?

 

I think that ship has sailed.

 

There is clearly something with him that causes you not to see eye to eye with him and him with you. That's not going to go away by not arguing. You two have incompatible viewpoints which is why you're fighting and arguing. You'd have to become someone you're not in order for this to work, because eventually, you will revert to being the only person you can be: you. The fighting will resume once that happens.

Edited March 30, 2015 by kendahke

[Kitkatleen24]

From my experience with LDR, it's already gone downhill--and mine didn't have any fighting involved. It's the distance and the not being in the same location that's killed this. Interest can go only so long--there has to be regular in-person interaction for it to thrive. Arguing and fighting with someone you have not even met in person is pointless.

 

If you can't resolve issues without fighting and arguing, then he's seeing that no matter how much he may feel towards you, the fighting has broken the camel's back.

 

It's true that it went downhill.. But both of us are still trying to work things out. He said he's working through it and I'm working on my negative mindset. So far we haven't been quarrelling and it seems like it's gonna be ok..? We will be meeting up in may and I'll visit him in a few months. If it all works out, I'll stay with him quite a bit to see if we are suitable in real life.. It's almost may, just 1 more month. We waited a whole year... So is it worth it to give it up now? My mind is set on saving this relationship that's why I'm seeking help here...

[Kitkatleen24]

From my experience with LDR, it's already gone downhill--and mine didn't have any fighting involved. It's the distance and the not being in the same location that's killed this. Interest can go only so long--there has to be regular in-person interaction for it to thrive. Arguing and fighting with someone you have not even met in person is pointless.

 

If you can't resolve issues without fighting and arguing, then he's seeing that no matter how much he may feel towards you, the fighting has broken the camel's back.

 

I think that ship has sailed.

 

There is clearly something with him that causes you not to see eye to eye with him and him with you. That's not going to go away by not arguing. You two have incompatible viewpoints which is why you're fighting and arguing. You'd have to become someone you're not in order for this to work, because eventually, you will revert to being the only person you can be: you. The fighting will resume once that happens.

 

 

The reason we fight is because I'm needy and paranoid/insecure. That's not my true self. I've been seeking professional help by talking to my counsellor and it's helping. That's why we stopped fighting because I'm changing my negative attitude. It's not something that I want to keep anymore. I don't know if it's too late but I got a wake up call when he decided to leave few days ago. I was under depression and I finally got help....

[kendahke]

Just remember how painful it is when you try to wear shoes that do not fit.

 

Anything that does not fit causes pain.

 

Your trust issues needed to be worked out long before you began talking to him because you are trying to make him carry and own your trust burdens. There are going to be girls around him because we're half the population. He's going to be friends with some and that's something your'e going to have to get your head around and be quiet and content *IF* this relationship is going to work.

 

You starting all the fights has gotten old with him--and fighting does get old, especially if they're based solely on your inability to trust him. Some people get sick of all that unnecessary drama. He is entitled to his friends and to add whoever he wishes to his social media circle, as are you. Him adding a girl doesn't mean he wants to go screw her--and projecting that onto him may instead say more about you than it does about him, you know? That you can't be friends with guys because you will behave inappropriately with them, so the best defense is a good offense strategy is in play here. That's the way he may be looking at this.

 

You're going to have to accept that if he decides it's not wisdom to keep to this path, that he will leave it and he's entitled to not enter into something he feels is more trouble than it's worth. Between now and May, you need to back off of him while he's trying to get through his finals and really work on your issues with your therapist to resolve them once and for all. That may be the only thing that saves you going forward--and even if this relationship doesn't work out, you need to have the issues resolved. It's unfair to hoist them onto someone else's shoulders to do the heavy lifting you need to be doing.

[kendahke]

The reason we fight is because I'm needy and paranoid/insecure. That's not my true self. I've been seeking professional help by talking to my counsellor and it's helping. That's why we stopped fighting because I'm changing my negative attitude. It's not something that I want to keep anymore. I don't know if it's too late but I got a wake up call when he decided to leave few days ago. I was under depression and I finally got help....

 

and don't resolve this as a means to keep a leash on him. You need to resolve this for you and you alone because you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your actions for the rest of your life, not any guy you get with.

[Kitkatleen24]

Just remember how painful it is when you try to wear shoes that do not fit.

 

Anything that does not fit causes pain.

 

Your trust issues needed to be worked out long before you began talking to him because you are trying to make him carry and own your trust burdens. There are going to be girls around him because we're half the population. He's going to be friends with some and that's something your'e going to have to get your head around and be quiet and content *IF* this relationship is going to work.

 

You starting all the fights has gotten old with him--and fighting does get old, especially if they're based solely on your inability to trust him. Some people get sick of all that unnecessary drama. He is entitled to his friends and to add whoever he wishes to his social media circle, as are you. Him adding a girl doesn't mean he wants to go screw her--and projecting that onto him may instead say more about you than it does about him, you know? That you can't be friends with guys because you will behave inappropriately with them, so the best defense is a good offense strategy is in play here. That's the way he may be looking at this.

 

You're going to have to accept that if he decides it's not wisdom to keep to this path, that he will leave it and he's entitled to not enter into something he feels is more trouble than it's worth. Between now and May, you need to back off of him while he's trying to get through his finals and really work on your issues with your therapist to resolve them once and for all. That may be the only thing that saves you going forward--and even if this relationship doesn't work out, you need to have the issues resolved. It's unfair to hoist them onto someone else's shoulders to do the heavy lifting you need to be doing.

 

 

You're right about everything. When I read this, It reminds me of what my boyfriend have been telling me. He knew how hard it was. That's why I went to seek help. He gave me a chance & he wants to work things out. I don't know how lucky I am that he's still here with me. When you say back off, what does it really mean? I've stopped arguing with him after attending therapy

[ExpatInItaly]

It's true that it went downhill.. But both of us are still trying to work things out. He said he's working through it and I'm working on my negative mindset. So far we haven't been quarrelling and it seems like it's gonna be ok..? We will be meeting up in may and I'll visit him in a few months. If it all works out, I'll stay with him quite a bit to see if we are suitable in real life.. It's almost may, just 1 more month. We waited a whole year... So is it worth it to give it up now? My mind is set on saving this relationship that's why I'm seeking help here...

 

You don't necessarily have to give up, but you do need to take a step back and gain some perspective. You have never met him. You have no idea whether you'll have any type of physical chemistry or if you'll actually enjoy being in each other's company. The fact that he already says he's losing interest before he's even met you is a red flag. Long-distance relationships are difficult in the best circumstances, and there really isn't much of a foundation to build on here if you've spent zero time together in person.

 

Work on your issues for you. Understand that you haven't really begun dating this guy yet. You have developed a friendship, but you don't know if you'll be compatible in person. Approach this with an open mind, don't put all your eggs in one basket here.

[Kitkatleen24]

You don't necessarily have to give up, but you do need to take a step back and gain some perspective. You have never met him. You have no idea whether you'll have any type of physical chemistry or if you'll actually enjoy being in each other's company. The fact that he already says he's losing interest before he's even met you is a red flag. Long-distance relationships are difficult in the best circumstances, and there really isn't much of a foundation to build on here if you've spent zero time together in person.

 

Work on your issues for you. Understand that you haven't really begun dating this guy yet. You have developed a friendship, but you don't know if you'll be compatible in person. Approach this with an open mind, don't put all your eggs in one basket here.

 

I guess I'll give him space. I did put all my eyes in one basket, that's why I was so hurt. I've been hurt so much in the past and he's the only one who broke through it despite the trust issues. Thank you everyone. I'll just wait till he finish his exams. For now I'll be supportive as I do not want to affect him. Gonna try to focus on myself for now..

[Mrin]

Some fantastic insight from Expat and Ken up above and OP I am really happy to see how open you are to trying it on. A few thoughts on this:

 

1. You are essentially going to "reboot" your LDR in May. I mean that. Everything changes when you meet him in person. Every single thing. That could be a great thing for you two - or one or both of you might feel "meh" about it and walk away. Anyhow, it creates a before/after line of demarcation where all things, or no things, are possible.

 

2. In an LDR, you don't have that physical closeness. So anything that creates resistance creates drag. You've already eliminated one of the largest ones - arguing. Continue to examine your interactions with him to see what creates drag. Then eliminate or reduce it.

 

3. A big challenge of an LDR is what I call The Ordinary or the thingy-ness of life. You get on the phone or on Skype and talk about each other's day. What did you do? Who did you see? All that. It isn't that that stuff is bad per se, but it is ordinary. Think of it like rice or pasta. There are amazing rice and pasta dishes out there but when consumed by themselves, with no seasoning, they're exceedingly ordinary and bland.

 

So you need The Ordinary, the rice, the pasta. It is simply part of life. But don't forget The Extraordinary. The stuff that goes on the rice and pasta that makes the dish amazing. Sharing hopes, dreams, vulnerabilities, sex, emotional connectedness... all that is The Extraordinary. What is your Extraordinary? What is his? So the question is, how do you create that in an LDR?

 

I'll share with you what I do with my soulmate. We write to each other. Not every day. But frequent. I'm more of the writer of the two so I'll send her a letter. Sometimes a short story. Or a poem. Or an essay. I usually send them to her in the middle of the night and so she has them to read first thing in the morning. Sort of like a surprise. I started doing this with her because when we first started dating I would hang up the phone but there was so much I still wanted to say. And it just grew from there.

 

We are together every other week. Here's the funny thing - I don't write to her when we are together. I only write to her when we are apart. And because of this, we sometimes feel more connected, more living the life solely in the world of The Extraordinary, when we are apart. So it has taken the Long Distance aspect for the LDR and turned it on its head. It has become an asset rather than a liability. We still crave our time together like the desert craves rain, but we see the times apart as a chance to grow closer together without the thingy-ness of life getting in the way. Interesting no?

 

Anyhow, I share this with you because you have a month until you meet him. He's going to be really busy with exams. I urge you to think about how you can perhaps change up your communication to give him space for his exams yet make your communication more Extraordinary. Just backing off, while it might give him space, may actually feel like you're pulling away.

 

Anyhow, try that on and see if anything works.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Mrin]

Just to tag on to this, I sent my soulmate a short poem that fell out of my head last night before bedtime called The Lover's Prayer. Literally as I hit Post Quick Reply on my missive above, this came in from her after reading the poem:

 

This is beautiful!!! This is one of my favorite poems you've written!! I choose you today AND tomorrow forever more

 

And there you have it. Connectedness from afar.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Mrin

[d0nnivain]

This isn't going to work.

 

 

Although you have never met you classify what you have been doing for the last year as dating. That is not accurate. You have been talking. Period. Talking is good but because you mislabeled it you put too much pressure on it.

 

 

LDRs take a great deal of trust & self esteem. Since you lack both of those & have admittedly been insecure & needy, which while you say is not your true self, it's the only you he knows.

 

 

How much is the meet in May going to cost? Who's traveling? If you are, where will you be staying? You can't very well stay with him. I don't care that you have been talking for a year, he's a stranger. Are you really ready to jump in bed with him on essentially your 1st date? Sounds like a disaster.

 

 

The fact that you are already thinking about long term plans with this person is another red flag. You both have to get through exams without distractions. Taking time away from that only shoots both of your futures in the proverbial foot.

 

 

If this has any potential to be saved, slow down & back off. Take some of those eggs you mentioned & put them in lots of baskets, not just this one. The pressure you are putting on this fantasy relationship is what is causing you to be the source of all your problems.

[barcode88]

LDR almost never works, I'm amazed how prevalent they are despite such common knowledge.

[d0nnivain]

LDR almost never works, I'm amazed how prevalent they are despite such common knowledge.

 

 

They can work if the people know there will be an end. Also if the people do have real opportunities to see each other. One of my BFFs from here in the Northeast met a man 5 years ago while on vacation in Florida. He's from Texas. They are getting married next month but they were lucky in that they got to spend at least one weekend every two months together on average.

 

 

They do take work & trust. There is also a BIG difference between people who have met IRL & those spinning a fantasy with a stranger over the internet.

[katiegrl]

Men need physical affection to develop and maintain attraction. Not intercourse necessarily... but kissing, touching, etc. Since you have never met in person, he has NEVER had that with you.

 

Frankly I am surprised your "relationship" has lasted this long. He may have lost interest a long time ago...but only now has told you because you are scheduled to meet in May.

 

He is distancing himself....he ignored you for a week. NOT good! He is socializing with other woman and adding to his social media.

 

If this was a long term, committed relationship, where you had met, were seeing each other regularly, truly KNEW each other, and trusted each other, then you would know him having female friends is normal for him, and so him adding them on his social media would not be an issue for you.

 

But that is NOT what this is. You have never even met this man in person. Fact is, you DON'T really know him at all...you only know what he *chooses* to tell you. He could have a whole other relationship going on that you know nothing about. And how could you? You're NOT there!

 

So no wonder you don't trust him. I wouldn't either under those circumstances. Trust is earned, and trust can only be developed after spending a significant amount of time together IN PERSON.

 

If it were me, I would pull back and give him space. When a man is losing interest, or in this case, has already lost interest, the LAST thing you should do is continue to hang around...talking to him, texting him, skyping or whatever you have been doing.

 

It sounds like he has already checked out, but since he knows how emotionally attached YOU are, doesn't want to hurt your feelings...so he will ease out gradually, hence him ignoring you for a week. I don't think he has any intention of meeting you in May or any other time.

 

He has lost interest...he told you that and you need to pay attention and act accordingly.

 

That means pulling back and going no contact. Taking steps to move on..because it's over sweetie, I am sorry.

[edgygirl]

Haven't read all the responses but let's be realistic. Until you meet you are not dating. You have the intention of dating one day.

 

I've had a relationship like this 10 years ago, and although we decided to be faithful until we met (8 months in), we never said we were dating before meeting. It doesn't make sense.

 

Also, small tip - until you meet you don't really know him. The guy I met then was completely different live and we were not really a match in the end.

[fitnessfan365]

This is how a LDR is supposed to work - Two people are together locally. Then one has to move away and they want to keep investing in the relationship because of what they've already shared.

 

You on the other hand are just keeping up correspondence with a man you've never even spent anytime with. For all you know, you could see him for the first time and be completely unattracted to him or realize the chemistry in person is terrible. Then you've invested all this time and energy in the idea of someone instead of who he actually is. The fact that you're calling a man you've never even seen in person your "boyfriend" shows that you're living in major denial. The cold honest truth is that you can't have a LDR with a man you never had a relationship with in the first place.

Edited March 30, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Michelle ma Belle]

This isn't going to work.

 

 

Although you have never met you classify what you have been doing for the last year as dating. That is not accurate. You have been talking. Period. Talking is good but because you mislabeled it you put too much pressure on it.

 

 

LDRs take a great deal of trust & self esteem. Since you lack both of those & have admittedly been insecure & needy, which while you say is not your true self, it's the only you he knows.

 

 

How much is the meet in May going to cost? Who's traveling? If you are, where will you be staying? You can't very well stay with him. I don't care that you have been talking for a year, he's a stranger. Are you really ready to jump in bed with him on essentially your 1st date? Sounds like a disaster.

 

 

The fact that you are already thinking about long term plans with this person is another red flag. You both have to get through exams without distractions. Taking time away from that only shoots both of your futures in the proverbial foot.

 

 

If this has any potential to be saved, slow down & back off. Take some of those eggs you mentioned & put them in lots of baskets, not just this one. The pressure you are putting on this fantasy relationship is what is causing you to be the source of all your problems.

 

Took the words out of my mouth.

 

OP, you need to read this carefully and let it sink in.