The Passion Delusion

[Leigh 87]

How important is falling " in love" when it comes to a relationship?

 

A lot of dating guru's like Evan Marc Katz, base their whole career around " the delusion of passion". He advocates not holding out for a person you fall " in love" with and who ignites that " in love" feeling, and instead, to pick a partner purely based on the type of person you want to build a life with and to GROW " in love". He says attraction has to be there but a 5 - 7/10 is going to, more than likely, work long term. As opposed to the 9 or 10/10 intense chemistry where you fall "hard", or you are "head over heels", or " taken" or "enamoured"

 

Personally, while I believe his approach works for some people who NEED specific personality traits, it isn't the way I operate. I know infatuation invariably fades but I need to go through the infatuation and " in love" stage at the start of a new relationship. For example; some women are highly intelligent and need a partner to be very academically stimulating, among other key traits that could be required for these women to consider him relationship material.. Where as for me, I am lax on many elements of compatibility, I am not an astro physicist and therefore I don't need hyper intelligent men.... Don't need a man with a degree.... don't care about his income but would prefer a man with SOME ambition to continually better their situation in life.

 

In fact, I would be happy with a 6 - 7/10 compatibility! All I need is:

- a kind hearted man

- a man who makes me laugh.. not with jokes, but who.. can just laugh with me at weird and/or random things:love:

-a man who prefers to pay for dates out rather than splitting (but who I pay back in other ways of course, I just prefer that traditional gender role)

- a manwho is of average intelligence. More is a bonus. Not needed, I have friends to assume that role.

- a man who isn't travel averse. OR will at least let me travel if he isn't into it.

I don't mind if he's fat, bald, has bad teeth or didn't finish high school. As long as he has a full time job, isn't below average in intelligence and I feel great chemistry with and that " in love" feeling with.

 

I don't see why a leading relationship guru tries to instil fear in women like me, by telling us that " oh... only a tiiiiiiny portion of long term couples started out with the **in love** feeling" I mean, really! I don't think it is that rare, is it? To start out with a spark, and to be reaallly into your partner initially?.... Providing you're not the type of person who needs someone " hot" or "arrogant" or "super alpha and elusive" in order to feel the passion? I have felt passion and great chemistry with some nice guys who weren't hot. In fact, I have never felt that spark with hot guys for some reason. I tend to be more crazy about men who have flaws that I can see, it is sexier to me.....

 

I realise lust fades and only a freakish small 5 of people who are wired a certain way, remain infatuated and giddy with excitement about dating a long term partner. But is it too much to ask to expect to go through the " in love" stage at all in the real beginning of a relationship?

 

How did your relationships start out and did many of you happily bypass the falling " in love" stage?

 

It is so common that people prefer to partner up based on shared values and all that jazz and only THEN give a second thought to chemistry.

 

I go for chemistry first, and THEN see if they are dating material!

[fitnessfan365]

I go for chemistry first, and THEN see if they are dating material!

 

Why can't you do both at the same time?

 

With the woman in my life, that's exactly what we did. Strong chemistry and attraction. However, kept dates in public and focused on personality, and emotional/intellectual compatibility. Then today was the first private date and still kept the physical a strong "R" without going all the way. Her birth control doesn't finalize for a few weeks and since we're both clean (tested and results proof) we'd rather wait to go bareback. However, since she kept hinting at being exclusive all day and I realized I want it too. So I figured the best way to show her that I care about her, is to agree to be exclusive before sex enters into play. Isn't about that for me.

 

But we're still taking it slow and not rushing in. 2x a week in person date frequency for now, no daily communication yet, and not meeting families for awhile. However, we're only interested in each other.

[Buddhist]

I'm not going to comment on the rightness or wrongness of 'spark' but I will just put it out there.

 

The guy I had the greatest natural chemistry with was my shortest relationship. Lightening bolts and butterflies only get you so far and once you've had sex a few times it pretty much disappears. It's no longer exciting because it's now familiar. Once familiarity set in, the wheels were turning but the hamster was dead because we were fundamentally different people with very little in common. I indulged his love of social outings and shopping by tagging along and making the best of it. But I got bored pretty quickly and he couldn't follow any conversation I wanted to have. Hm....even red hot sex twice a day, couldn't fill in 16hrs of wakefulness or even the 3hrs we typically spent together each day because we lived under the same roof.

 

My first love was my longest relationship. There was a fair amount of spark there but once again, after 2-3 rounds of sex it's gone. But we lasted because we had common interests and were similar personalities. Even though we weren't joined at the hip there was enough there to do together without it being an effort that the relationship naturall flowed.

 

So my take on it is, I think he's pretty bang on with his assessment. How compatible you are as people over the longterm determines the success of the relationship more than love does. Long term admiration for a partner, not love, is what endures. And contempt for a partner because you are fundamentally incompatible, kills a relationship very quickly.

 

This idea of love relationships is a fairly modern one. Yes people have waxed lyrical since time immemorial about love, but the story of is usually a tragic tale of loss as well. Lasting partnerships have traditionally been based on more rational idea's like the gaining of fortunes, connections and basic compatibility between the individuals. Love is a fleeting chemical process that even in the best relationships waxes and wanes in an endless cycle. It has to, otherwise we would suffer adrenal burnout.

 

I no longer desire a partner but if I did I would not seek a romantic connection. I would seek a mutually beneficial relationship. I had a friend once who did this. She and her male friend bought a house together, duplexed it and lived separately. They liked each others company but they didn't want to live together, yet they did want the security of companionship and knowing their neighbour. I remember that situation with fondness because there was something very touching about their friendship and the way in which they lived in symbiosis, together yet independant.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not going to comment on the rightness or wrongness of 'spark' but I will just put it out there.

 

The guy I had the greatest natural chemistry with was my shortest relationship. Lightening bolts and butterflies only get you so far and once you've had sex a few times it pretty much disappears. It's no longer exciting because it's now familiar. Once familiarity set in, the wheels were turning but the hamster was dead because we were fundamentally different people with very little in common. I indulged his love of social outings and shopping by tagging along and making the best of it. But I got bored pretty quickly and he couldn't follow any conversation I wanted to have. Hm....even red hot sex twice a day, couldn't fill in 16hrs of wakefulness or even the 3hrs we typically spent together each day because we lived under the same roof.

 

Yep same happened to me. The thing is, I don't necessarily believe that the men I feel the strongest chemistry for HAVE to be incompatible. I think if you are an attractive and outgoing, friendly person and you put yourself out there, you will happen to find that great chemistry with a compatible partner. IF that is important to you, which it is to me. Yes it will take a few years but I don't think it will take a decade. I DO have mutual chemistry and connections often enough to think I have what it takes to find it......

 

My first love was my longest relationship. There was a fair amount of spark there but once again, after 2-3 rounds of sex it's gone. But we lasted because we had common interests and were similar personalities. Even though we weren't joined at the hip there was enough there to do together without it being an effort that the relationship naturall flowed.

 

So my take on it is, I think he's pretty bang on with his assessment. How compatible you are as people over the longterm determines the success of the relationship more than love does. Long term admiration for a partner, not love, is what endures. And contempt for a partner because you are fundamentally incompatible, kills a relationship very quickly.

 

Yet many people prefer the compatibility to go hand in hand with the spark and great chemistry.

 

You do hear about people in their 30's and early 40's find this passion and comfort in the one partner. It takes a little longer but they hold out for a true, romantic connection that builds through mutual respect and admiration.....

 

This idea of love relationships is a fairly modern one. Yes people have waxed lyrical since time immemorial about love, but the story of is usually a tragic tale of loss as well. Lasting partnerships have traditionally been based on more rational idea's like the gaining of fortunes, connections and basic compatibility between the individuals. Love is a fleeting chemical process that even in the best relationships waxes and wanes in an endless cycle. It has to, otherwise we would suffer adrenal burnout.

 

Yet a lot of people want that in love feeling to begin with. They WANT the honeymoon phase.

 

Just because it fades doesn't mean that everyone is "best suited" to forgo the spark, passion, fireworks and lust stage.

 

It works for some, yet other people end up much happier when they hold out a little longer and end up with passion and compatibility.

 

My friend and her bf have been together for years. They are still crazy in love, have explosive sex and are best friends.

 

She isn't akin to a lotto win; many people are affable, attractive and able to generate the spark in enough mates, for one of them to mutually feel it and to also be compatible.

 

I no longer desire a partner but if I did I would not seek a romantic connection. I would seek a mutually beneficial relationship. I had a friend once who did this. She and her male friend bought a house together, duplexed it and lived separately. They liked each others company but they didn't want to live together, yet they did want the security of companionship and knowing their neighbour. I remember that situation with fondness because there was something very touching about their friendship and the way in which they lived in symbiosis, together yet independant.

 

I am polar opposite. I have NO Inclination to have a partner or "friend" to have to live my day to day life with me.

 

I enjoy socialising, meeting new friends and having animals.

 

I will only wind up in a relationship if we have great natural chemistry to begin with.

 

And no I think it is fatalistic to say I will LIKELY end up alone. I really do think there is a much higher chance I will find sexual passion with a partner who is compatible.

 

I expect to find it in my 30's between 30 and 40. I am 28 atm.

 

If I don't find it so be it. Much happier alone than in a relationship solely build on friendship with no romantic spark.

[Leigh 87]

Why can't you do both at the same time?

 

With the woman in my life, that's exactly what we did. Strong chemistry and attraction. However, kept dates in public and focused on personality, and emotional/intellectual compatibility. Then today was the first private date and still kept the physical a strong "R" without going all the way. Her birth control doesn't finalize for a few weeks and since we're both clean (tested and results proof) we'd rather wait to go bareback. However, since she kept hinting at being exclusive all day and I realized I want it too. So I figured the best way to show her that I care about her, is to agree to be exclusive before sex enters into play. Isn't about that for me.

 

But we're still taking it slow and not rushing in. 2x a week in person date frequency for now, no daily communication yet, and not meeting families for awhile. However, we're only interested in each other.

 

Congrats.

 

I do want to do both. I want to only pursue things with a person I feel not only a sexual spark and great chemistry with, but who I also think seems like a nice kind of a man who could be well suited for me.

 

I broke things off the other week with a Greek guy who was HOT in the chemistry department but who's personality I couldn't stand lol.......like a month ago actually.....

[Leigh 87]

The problem I have with Evan Marc Katz,

 

...... is that he says that people like me, who opt to hold out for strong chemistry AND compatibility, are very very likely to never find it.

 

I just don't think it is that rare to feel really excited and infatuated in the early stages of dating a new partner who ends up being compatible.

 

I know two couples who feel it at the top of my head. They happened to feel strong chemistry initially and they have ended up lasting long term. Although the newness has worn off, ALL couples say that they STILL have explosive sex!

 

Now, I have also done some work on myself. Since I know what I want in life and I have made steps in order to make it happen....With a therapist, we have identified why I went for players and a challenge, and I have learnt to feel chemistry with the right guys now. furthermore, I was once vain and only felt attracted to hot men, so my therapist and I talked a lot and the past few years, I am not with a new therapist, but the men I have fallen the hardest for were not remotely good looking.

So, knowing that chemistry and compatibility is not all that common, I made some changes and now feel that I have a realistic shot since I now feel magnetic chemistry with SUCH a diverse range of men, AND I no longer feel turned on by players and unavailable men.

 

It is one thing to preach your viewpoint; it is another thing entirely to say " well, you guys who want passion and to want to actually fall crazy in love are never going to find it"

[Gaeta]

Leigh: Ever consider that you are addicted to oxytocin? You are in constant search of this new relationship energy and its thrill. You talk about it as in 'you must have it'.

 

There is no falling in love at first site, it's falling in lust. That lust will carry you till you fall in love. The men I met and felt an instant connection with I KNEW it was not love but chemical in my brain telling me he was a good candidate to reproduce with! That is what it is! We are animals and this 'connection' you are talking about is simply a hormone pushing us to reproduce. No matter if you spend time with a man because of lust, or attraction, real love will develop or not later on.

 

So yes, if you feel attraction toward a man, if you spend enough time with him eventually you will fall in love with him. Just like if you are dumped on on a deserted island with some stranger, after a while you will develop feelings for each other. It's not a mystery of the heart, it's a mystery of the brain.

[Leigh 87]

 

 

 

I no longer desire a partner but if I did I would not seek a romantic connection. I would seek a mutually beneficial relationship. I had a friend once who did this. She and her male friend bought a house together, duplexed it and lived separately. They liked each others company but they didn't want to live together, yet they did want the security of companionship and knowing their neighbour. I remember that situation with fondness because there was something very touching about their friendship and the way in which they lived in symbiosis, together yet independant.

 

 

Sorry but that makes me want to cry.....

 

It worked for them but I WANT the option to actually be in love romantically with a partner.

 

I don't want to share a duplex with a "friend":(

[Leigh 87]

Leigh: Ever consider that you are addicted to oxytocin? You are in constant search of this new relationship energy and its thrill. You talk about it as in 'you must have it'.

 

I know it dissipates. But I really need the relationship to HAVE that stage to begin with.

 

I would never end a relationship because the spark wore off as I know the passion dissipates.

 

I still want it there to begin with though. I need a honeymoon period. I need that crazy in love stage, where you cannot keep your hands off each other.

 

There is no falling in love at first site, it's falling in lust. That lust will carry you till you fall in love. The men I met and felt an instant connection with I KNEW it was not love but chemical in my brain telling me he was a good candidate to reproduce with! That is what it is! We are animals and this 'connection' you are talking about is simply a hormone pushing us to reproduce. No matter if you spend time with a man because of lust, or attraction, real love will develop or not later on.

 

I know it isn't love at first site. I admit I was very wrong about that notion ! You are spot on.

 

But I still need this lust at first site feeling.

 

And as a person, I seem to encounter a high enough portion of men who feel it for me (no I am not very attractive) but I do tend to generate sparks with men more often than most woman.

 

So yes, if you feel attraction toward a man, if you spend enough time with him eventually you will fall in love with him. Just like if you are dumped on on a deserted island with some stranger, after a while you will develop feelings for each other. It's not a mystery of the heart, it's a mystery of the brain.

 

I have tried the deserted island thing. I have dated men who I didn't feel the spark with in the hope I would fall IN love.

 

I never did. I never felt passionate about kissing them. I never had urges to make out with them.

 

I kept them as friends and we are still just that; friends who I have NEVER grown to feel lust or chemistry for.

 

My ex grew to love me but he was never never in love and look, it was awful! He never wanted to make out. I would cry when I saw happy and " in love" looking women, getting make out sessions from THEIR partners who clearly adored them and felt proper chemistry and sufficient attraction....

 

I want to find chemistry, passion and compatibility.

 

I know it is a lot to ask but I am 28 and I am going to work hard to stay in great shape and be desirable.

 

I am attracted to a huuuuuuge array of men and seem to generate that spark feeling easily enough so I am confident I will find it someday.

[Mrlonelyone]

Leigh, The thing is that as all the neuroscience I have read on this is that chemistry never last.

 

.

 

As a physicist surely you can respect that research based finding. It is not physics but it is not just an opinion.

 

In the long haul a couple needs compatibility.

 

All the couples I know who lasted LONG I mean 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years had basic compatibility. That means shared values, shared goals, similar interest, similar education.

 

All the couples that I know who are based on chemistry have a constant struggle to invent interest and contrive things for them to be into together. They never really last.

 

For example I have a nephew who is a worker at a health club and works out twice a day. He is engaged to a woman who is obese if not morbidly obese who never works out. All he does is kevetch about her not working out. So far he has been engaged three times to women like that.

 

On the other hand are my parents. Both met while studying to become a Dr and a RN respectively. That was in the 1970's. They have been together for over 40 years.

 

Every long time married physicist I know is married to another physicist, other scientist or other creative professional.

 

It is great to hear that therapy has worked for you. Perhaps you can learn to see that tenure tracked young go getter from the univ across town as a real player?

[Redhead14]

How important is falling " in love" when it comes to a relationship?

 

A lot of dating guru's like Evan Marc Katz, base their whole career around " the delusion of passion". He advocates not holding out for a person you fall " in love" with and who ignites that " in love" feeling, and instead, to pick a partner purely based on the type of person you want to build a life with and to GROW " in love". He says attraction has to be there but a 5 - 7/10 is going to, more than likely, work long term. As opposed to the 9 or 10/10 intense chemistry where you fall "hard", or you are "head over heels", or " taken" or "enamoured"

 

Personally, while I believe his approach works for some people who NEED specific personality traits, it isn't the way I operate. I know infatuation invariably fades but I need to go through the infatuation and " in love" stage at the start of a new relationship. For example; some women are highly intelligent and need a partner to be very academically stimulating, among other key traits that could be required for these women to consider him relationship material.. Where as for me, I am lax on many elements of compatibility, I am not an astro physicist and therefore I don't need hyper intelligent men.... Don't need a man with a degree.... don't care about his income but would prefer a man with SOME ambition to continually better their situation in life.

 

In fact, I would be happy with a 6 - 7/10 compatibility! All I need is:

- a kind hearted man

- a man who makes me laugh.. not with jokes, but who.. can just laugh with me at weird and/or random things:love:

-a man who prefers to pay for dates out rather than splitting (but who I pay back in other ways of course, I just prefer that traditional gender role)

- a manwho is of average intelligence. More is a bonus. Not needed, I have friends to assume that role.

- a man who isn't travel averse. OR will at least let me travel if he isn't into it.

I don't mind if he's fat, bald, has bad teeth or didn't finish high school. As long as he has a full time job, isn't below average in intelligence and I feel great chemistry with and that " in love" feeling with.

 

I don't see why a leading relationship guru tries to instil fear in women like me, by telling us that " oh... only a tiiiiiiny portion of long term couples started out with the **in love** feeling" I mean, really! I don't think it is that rare, is it? To start out with a spark, and to be reaallly into your partner initially?.... Providing you're not the type of person who needs someone " hot" or "arrogant" or "super alpha and elusive" in order to feel the passion? I have felt passion and great chemistry with some nice guys who weren't hot. In fact, I have never felt that spark with hot guys for some reason. I tend to be more crazy about men who have flaws that I can see, it is sexier to me.....

 

I realise lust fades and only a freakish small 5 of people who are wired a certain way, remain infatuated and giddy with excitement about dating a long term partner. But is it too much to ask to expect to go through the " in love" stage at all in the real beginning of a relationship?

 

How did your relationships start out and did many of you happily bypass the falling " in love" stage?

 

It is so common that people prefer to partner up based on shared values and all that jazz and only THEN give a second thought to chemistry.

 

I go for chemistry first, and THEN see if they are dating material!

 

In the beginning of any new dating scenario, it's important to manage your emotions and expectations. Yes, you should feel "attracted" to a person, but when you start seeing someone new, and you are feeling that "endorphin high", you need to push it to the side a little for a while. It clouds your ability to see that person for who they are clearly.

 

Many people think they are "falling in love" because they hold onto that endorphin high for quite a while and that's why they end up going farther down the road with someone than they probably should have. They are more or less addicted to the that high rather than actually loving that person.

 

So, if you are doing it "right", you might bypass that "falling in love" stage or at least it will be somewhat muted. It's good to have some of that feeling, of course.

 

Dating and gardening have similarities. Just because a plant has a flower and it's pretty, don't be fooled by the flower, it may be a weed and it's still bad for your garden.

Edited March 29, 2015 by Redhead14

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, The thing is that as all the neuroscience I have read on this is that chemistry never last.

 

.

 

As a physicist surely you can respect that research based finding. It is not physics but it is not just an opinion.

 

In the long haul a couple needs compatibility.

 

Of course you need compatibility. I never suggested otherwise.

 

All the couples I know who lasted LONG I mean 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years had basic compatibility. That means shared values, shared goals, similar interest, similar education.

 

Of course they did. How would they last if they fought incessantly?

 

All the couples that I know who are based on chemistry have a constant struggle to invent interest and contrive things for them to be into together. They never really last.

 

How about finding the chemistry, but waiting until you have it with a compatible partner? Best of both worlds?

 

You just have to put the lust to the side, to the extent where you judge the person on the basis of their personality rather than getting TOO carried away in chemistry......

 

It just means that if you have the great chemistry, DO NOT be fooled into thinking they are compatible!

 

For example I have a nephew who is a worker at a health club and works out twice a day. He is engaged to a woman who is obese if not morbidly obese who never works out. All he does is kevetch about her not working out. So far he has been engaged three times to women like that.

 

On the other hand are my parents. Both met while studying to become a Dr and a RN respectively. That was in the 1970's. They have been together for over 40 years.

 

Every long time married physicist I know is married to another physicist, other scientist or other creative professional.

 

It is great to hear that therapy has worked for you. Perhaps you can learn to see that tenure tracked young go getter from the univ across town as a real player?

 

 

I believe I can find chemistry and feel the crazy in love feeling with the right person who is compatible.

 

It means I will have to wait longer and be more open to dating different types of people.

 

I will also be mindful to not let the lust drive me! I will, every step of the way, NOT overlook red flags.

 

If I have to come on here to write about " is he/isn't he into me" on here, it means chemistry is clearly all we had in common:sick:

[Gaeta]

I believe I can find chemistry and feel the crazy in love feeling with the right person who is compatible.

 

Do you understand that this crazy in love feeling you experience is not actual love?

 

How about your change your vocabulary? And call things by their real name. Maybe that will help you sort things out when you meet someone.

[Leigh 87]

In the beginning of any new dating scenario, it's important to manage your emotions and expectations. Yes, you should feel "attracted" to a person, but when you start seeing someone new, and you are feeling that "endorphin high", you need to push it to the side a little for a while. It clouds your ability to see that person for who they are clearly.

 

Yes I have been single for 8 months and this has happened to me a couple of times already! Hot chemistry lead me to believe we had a true connection and that I should be with them.

 

I now know better.

 

I will never let chemistry cloud me again - and instead, I will enjoy the high but I will not remain with a man a moment longer if there are red flags.

 

They will get the same treatment as non spark driven guys get:lmao:

 

Many people think they are "falling in love" because they hold onto that endorphin high for quite a while and that's why they end up going farther down the road with someone than they probably should have. They are more or less addicted to the that high rather than actually loving that person.

 

The ultimate love in my opinion, is when you fall madly IN love, bt you are also very compatible so the in love turns into such a strong, beautiful thing...

 

I have seen it happen and I can assure you, the NON ' in love' relationships, where one or both parties bypassed the falling " in love" feeling, they did not have anywhere near the depth of intensity of "feelings" and "emotions" as the " in love" couples.....

 

The combination of being " in love" with a compatible person, makes the in love feeling grow into such a strong foundation....

 

The in love couples who lasted just have a different depth to their union than the couples who aren't "in love"

 

So, if you are doing it "right", you might bypass that "falling in love" stage or at least it will be somewhat muted. It's good to have some of that feeling, of course.

 

 

Why is it doing it "right" to miss out on the honeymoon stage?

 

It is only right for the people who happily bypass it.

 

People like me could never be happy dating a friend. We need to at least go through the in love part even though it fades after 3 years tops.....

 

 

Dating and gardening have similarities. Just because a plant has a flower and it's pretty, don't be fooled by the flower, it may be a weed and it's still bad for your garden.

 

 

Yes I know all about passion versus compatibility. Most of the people you fall for chemically and who you feel the strongest degree of emotions for, are not the people suitable.

 

Doesn't mean it is wayyyyyy unrealistic to want to feel in love with your partner, with whom you share both passion chemistry and compatibility....

[Leigh 87]

Do you understand that this crazy in love feeling you experience is not actual love?

 

How about your change your vocabulary? And call things by their real name. Maybe that will help you sort things out when you meet someone.

 

 

 

I mean once you fall in love.

 

Not like at first site....

 

I mean, my friend fell crazy in love with her boyfriend as he did to her. They are together years later.

 

They shared a spark and electrical chemistry and therefore they not only grew to "love" one another, but they fell head over heels IN love, too.

 

Of course they didn't fall in love instantly. They had lust instantly that was all.

[Mrlonelyone]

Let me toss this back at you this way.

 

My parents are now in their 70's. My father is blind and immobile. My mother is loosing her memory. As far as I can detect the have sex no more than once every couple of months. Usually they don't sleep on the same story of the house.

 

 

Are you telling me they can't be "in love" in a way that transcends that honeymoon phase by a mile?

[Redhead14]

I mean once you fall in love.

 

Not like at first site....

 

I mean, my friend fell crazy in love with her boyfriend as he did to her. They are together years later.

 

They shared a spark and electrical chemistry and therefore they not only grew to "love" one another, but they fell head over heels IN love, too.

 

Of course they didn't fall in love instantly. They had lust instantly that was all.

 

True love does grow and requires tending. It is like a perennial flower. You might just start out with a plant with say just a bud, all of a sudden, it opens into a beautiful flower. And, every year you continue to tend to the plant even though the flower may have closed up or dropped off but then it blooms again and it is appreciated over and over again.

[Gaeta]

I mean once you fall in love.

 

Not like at first site....

 

I mean, my friend fell crazy in love with her boyfriend as he did to her. They are together years later.

 

They shared a spark and electrical chemistry and therefore they not only grew to "love" one another, but they fell head over heels IN love, too.

 

Of course they didn't fall in love instantly. They had lust instantly that was all.

 

You can reach a deep level of love without it starting like a story out of a fairy tale book. You are 28 Leigh, you need to realize that prince charming on white horses don't exist. Put down the Disney books, and I don't say that in a mean way. You really need to have a more adult view of love and relationships.

 

Your friend's story is only that, a story they told you and believe me it's not rose as they tell you, they did-do put up with sh!.t and just didn't tell you.

 

My second long term relationship started with a ONS. Then we started seeing each other, I liked him but never felt this crazy in love feeling for him. Then after 6 months there was a switch and my feelings changed. Our relationship lasted 4 years. When I left him I was completely crushed, I mean I had a trip down to hell, it took me 3 years to get over him. I would have died without a second thought for this man.

 

All this to tell you that the dept of love you will reach with a man has nothing to do with how the relationship connected at first.

[Weezy1973]

Leigh - I think most people, all things being equal, would prefer the type of relationship you describe - one with intense passion as well as "best friend" level compatibility.

 

Previously, as you said, the only men you felt that intense chemsistry for were hot men, and alpha unavailable types. If that were still the case, it would have been really unlikely that you would have met someone that you had intense chemistry and long term potential with. If that truly has changed for you - and I'm skeptical it's changed (I find it tough to believe one can just flip a switch and change what they're attracted to) - but if it has, and you're now intensely attracted to people that are good long term relationship candidates, I agree that there is a good chance you'll find it.

 

That being said - surveys of couples that hve been married for a long time show that, without a doubt, the number one factor in marriage longevity and satisfaction is friendship. You keep saying you don't "need" a friend, yet friendship is by far the most important factor in a successful marriage. Once you prioritize friendship at the same level you prioritize the honeymoon, lust stage, then you will have a great chance of finding that wonderful relationship.

[Rex1971]

The passion delusion is just that, a delusion. The source is often women's romance novels.

[lana-banana]

What happened to the guy from Berlin? More importantly, why is the opinion of a stranger on the Internet enough to send you into a tailspin of insecurity and self-doubt?

[xxoo]

Bypassing the "in love" stage is not acceptable to me.

 

But reaching the "in love" stage at 2-4 months is probably a better long term prediction than reaching it at 2 days. At 2-4 months, it's based on something real, and it will last and grow. At 2 days, it's based on fantasy, and typically fizzles out with reality.

[katiegrl]

What happened to the guy from Berlin? More importantly, why is the opinion of a stranger on the Internet enough to send you into a tailspin of insecurity and self-doubt?

 

Was he the recent guy? Yeah Leigh what happened? I thought you "saw the light" and got "back together"?

 

Last we heard you had a date scheduled and were talking with each other about how you weren't gonna be able to keep your hands off each other! This was just last week, so what happened?

 

Don't tell me you broke up with again, did you?

[Mrlonelyone]

Bypassing the "in love" stage is not acceptable to me.

 

But reaching the "in love" stage at 2-4 months is probably a better long term prediction than reaching it at 2 days. At 2-4 months, it's based on something real, and it will last and grow. At 2 days, it's based on fantasy, and typically fizzles out with reality.

 

OTOH, the last person that I spoke of here it grew from my not noticing them, to being annoyed by them, to being super serious with them, to them wanting nothing to do with me, then me likewise and now them approaching full on stalking me.

 

So slow and steady aren't a guarantee of sanity either.

[central]

Intense chemistry and attraction - and lust - can exist almost immediately, but real passion grows, IMO. However, without good compatibility, ALL of these will usually fade or never develop far.

 

 

We had intense chemistry, attraction and lust from the start, but were also extraordinarily compatible in all ways. Passion has grown over the years, and for us the chemistry has never faded. We're even more compatible 15 years later, as we've grown closer with time.