Ignoring my deal breakers. Good Idea?

[Destined2B]

I'm 27, she's 25. She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies. BUT the sex is AMAZING and I just don't meet women as attractive as her. Plus, she is trustworthy, sweet and fun .

She gave me an ultimatum to stop calling it casual and become official but I have my doubts (above).

 

Is it ever a good idea to ignore your dealbreakers? Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

We've been together for a year and the thought of never seeing her again is painful.

[preraph]

No, you can't ask her to change! People don't change just because you have preferences. She isn't your dream girl, but i bet she's her own dream girl and won't take kindly to you trying to change her. News flash: No one gets the girl in their head because she doesn't exist in real life.

[elliecoffee]

All of what you just listed, is just the tip of the iceberg my friend.

[fitnessfan365]

Speaking from experience, I've gotten into plenty of "relationships" based on awesome sex and a good personality on the surface. But take it from me, after 3-6 months, the lack of common interests/lifestyle similarities, and awkward silences become apparent.

 

Sex is easy. But finding someone that you actually want to spend time with based on who they are is much harder. That's why now I want a woman where sex just feels like a bonus, and not the goal. The current woman I'm involved with is making me feel that way.

[GemmaUK]

100% let her go and she will find someone who loves her for her.

 

 

It sounds like you have stuck around for the sex and because she is sweet.

 

 

She deserves someone who loves her and accepts her flaws just the same as you should find the person who accepts your flaws too - we all have them after all!

 

 

Rip the plaster off asap and don't waste any more of her time.

[RenegadeMonster]

100% let her go and she will find someone who loves her for her.

 

 

It sounds like you have stuck around for the sex and because she is sweet.

 

 

She deserves someone who loves her and accepts her flaws just the same as you should find the person who accepts your flaws too - we all have them after all!

 

 

Rip the plaster off asap and don't waste any more of her time.

 

Exactly.

 

You either need to compromise, and compromise in terms of letting your deal breaker go if you like her, or let her know the truth and break it off.

 

It sounds like you have been compromising so far with her. Now you need to decide can I life with this girl with who she is now. Does her flaws really bother me to much to be able to get into a serious relationship and how it bothers you.

 

Do you find these flaws bother you when you are with her? Or only when you think about them after the fact.

 

 

In most cases in pretty much every relationship we need to learn to make compromises or it simply won't work out.

 

And never tell some one to change, that is just asking for trouble.

[CarrieT]

"AMAZING sex" does not automatically equate to a great relationship and your list of deal breakers is more than enough reason to not move forward.

[Gaeta]

How much can it really bother you if you still spent 1 year with her, enjoyed your time and were able to develop feelings?

 

Being exclusive is not a marriage. So you become official what will really change in your dynamic? Nothing I can see. You will continue life as you live it now. If it doesn't work as you wish you break it off.

 

Being official doesn't mean you are stuck and cannot end it if it does not suit you.

[amaysngrace]

Don't be exclusive with someone that you're ashamed of.

 

Let her go be with someone who sees the things to be proud of her for.

[Gaeta]

Where did he say he was ashamed of her!!

 

He is in love with her.

 

He is just torn between his desire to be with her and social expectation.

 

OP deal breakers change. Sure you can move on and meet another woman with all you have on your grocery list but you'll never get to feel for her the way you feel with this lady right now.

 

To me your list of deal breakers are superficial. If it were something like she is unreliable, she has a drug dependency, a gamble problem, she is lazy, I would say move on. You cannot be THAT turned off by her smoking you've been together one year.

 

So, on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad are those deal breakers?

[Diezel]

We've been together for a year and the thought of never having sex with her again is painful.

 

There. Fixed it for ya, you're welcome.

Because I know that's what you really meant.

[GemmaUK]

There. Fixed it for ya, you're welcome.

Because I know that's what you really meant.

 

 

 

Spot on Diezel!

[losangelena]

Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

Would you like it if she, or any other woman, expected you to change? I doubt it.

 

You either accept the person as-is, or you move on. That doesn't mean she won't or can't change for the better, but to lay that out as the expectation is dangerous.

[amaysngrace]

Where did he say he was ashamed of her!!

 

He didn't have to. His action of not wanting to be exclusive with her speaks it out louder.

 

Also him not accepting her for who she is = being ashamed of her because she's not meeting the shallow requirements of his social expectations like you said.

 

She's a student though. I think she gets a pass. If he can't overlook that to give her proper respect then she's probably too good for him anyway.

[lil_missy]

Hi op,

 

I'm curious you say you've been seeing this girl for a year.

 

So do you take her out? Do your friends and family know about her and that you two are together? Or do u just see her on occasion and sleep with her?

 

I'm just curious what you mean by casually seeing someone for a year.

 

I don't think I can do casual for a year, it will have to move one way or another.

[Auspecial]

I'm 27, she's 25. She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies. BUT the sex is AMAZING and I just don't meet women as attractive as her. Plus, she is trustworthy, sweet and fun .

She gave me an ultimatum to stop calling it casual and become official but I have my doubts (above).

 

Is it ever a good idea to ignore your dealbreakers? Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

We've been together for a year and the thought of never seeing her again is painful.

 

Which parts of your criterion are the most important, or all they all just as paramount?

 

For me, I have preferences but things like you listed wouldn't *automatically* be a deal breaker, with some conditions.

 

For example, a smoker would have to smoke outside and be open to cutting down.

 

As for job/car, many people don't have those things while they are in school. Sometimes, good people don't have those things temporarily.

 

Not having her own place: looking at that a different way, I have housemates because I don't like living alone. We all kind of keep to ourselves but then socialize if we want to. If I ever met someone to share my life with and wanted to move in, then I probably wouldn't have housemates.

 

Does she share *any* of your hobbies? For me, I would be okay if we could do somethings together but wouldn't expect a carbon copy of myself. I like to work out, but if a man is fit, its fine with me if he doesn't like to work out.

 

To me, the worst thing on your list is the 70 mile distance.

 

Whatever you decide, best of wishes!

[losangelena]

Which parts of your criterion are the most important, or all they all just as paramount?

 

For me, I have preferences but things like you listed wouldn't *automatically* be a deal breaker, with some conditions.

 

For example, a smoker would have to smoke outside and be open to cutting down.

 

As for job/car, many people don't have those things while they are in school. Sometimes, good people don't have those things temporarily.

 

Not having her own place: looking at that a different way, I have housemates because I don't like living alone. We all kind of keep to ourselves but then socialize if we want to. If I ever met someone to share my life with and wanted to move in, then I probably wouldn't have housemates.

 

Does she share *any* of your hobbies? For me, I would be okay if we could do somethings together but wouldn't expect a carbon copy of myself. I like to work out, but if a man is fit, its fine with me if he doesn't like to work out.

 

To me, the worst thing on your list is the 70 mile distance.

 

Whatever you decide, best of wishes!

 

I agree. I was gonna ask OP if the list he made (smoker, no car, job, lives far away with other people, not up to his level of fitness) were ALL deal breakers, or just a few of them.

 

I for one currently have no car. But that's after a solid decade-plus of car ownership. Plus, when it broke down, I was working freelance from home and didn't see much of a need for a replacement, especially because I wasn't making a ton of money. Why was I working freelance from home? Well after working full time (for the better part of over a decade), I decided to take some time off to work on writing a book and then decided to get into freelancing, where it takes a while to build a solid client base. So yes things were, and still are to some degree, tight. That was a turn off/deal breaker for some of the men I met, but the one I have now obviously doesn't mind. Would he PREFER that I work full time and have a full time salary? Maybe, but he gives me and my ability to get there the benefit of the doubt, and so far it's not a big deal. Would I like to be making more money? Yes, but for myself, and not because of what he thinks.

 

My point is, we all go through rough patches in our lives, where our circumstances are less than ideal. Does that mean that we aren't capable of changing or making improvements? Of course not. But our partners, for them to be good partners, must accept us as we are now, today, even if that means we could stand to make $15k more a year, or lose 15 pounds, or cut down on smoking, or get a car, or our own place—whatever it is.

 

OP, chances are, this woman will probably hit all of those marks eventually. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to make things official with her despite these self-described deal breakers, or not. And if not, break the f*ck up with her. I would be super pissed and hurt and downright humiliated if I knew my supposed BF had only stuck it out with me for so long because he thought I was cute and the sex was good. UGH.

[Auspecial]

I agree. I was gonna ask OP if the list he made (smoker, no car, job, lives far away with other people, not up to his level of fitness) were ALL deal breakers, or just a few of them.

 

I for one currently have no car. But that's after a solid decade-plus of car ownership. Plus, when it broke down, I was working freelance from home and didn't see much of a need for a replacement, especially because I wasn't making a ton of money. Why was I working freelance from home? Well after working full time (for the better part of over a decade), I decided to take some time off to work on writing a book and then decided to get into freelancing, where it takes a while to build a solid client base. So yes things were, and still are to some degree, tight. That was a turn off/deal breaker for some of the men I met, but the one I have now obviously doesn't mind. Would he PREFER that I work full time and have a full time salary? Maybe, but he gives me and my ability to get there the benefit of the doubt, and so far it's not a big deal. Would I like to be making more money? Yes, but for myself, and not because of what he thinks.

 

My point is, we all go through rough patches in our lives, where our circumstances are less than ideal. Does that mean that we aren't capable of changing or making improvements? Of course not. But our partners, for them to be good partners, must accept us as we are now, today, even if that means we could stand to make $15k more a year, or lose 15 pounds, or cut down on smoking, or get a car, or our own place—whatever it is.

 

OP, chances are, this woman will probably hit all of those marks eventually. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to make things official with her despite these self-described deal breakers, or not. And if not, break the f*ck up with her. I would be super pissed and hurt and downright humiliated if I knew my supposed BF had only stuck it out with me for so long because he thought I was cute and the sex was good. UGH.

 

Great post, and fully agree! Its so sad what GIGS (in my opinion b/c of OLD) has created for both genders.

 

I have been in difficult situations as well and always pull myself out on my own. There are men who can't deal with that and want to label me as unsuccessful or potential GD, these men are blind and incapable of seeing my value. But many others who look at the world the way I do and mostly want a good person and a good relationship, not a bunch of labels or bullet points.

 

Re: car, I also know some people who do not want to own a car. Two are success, free-spirited people who like walking and have enough friends to get rides if the distance is too far. Another has vision problems that can't be corrected enough for driving. He has a very successful job, just doesn't have a car.

 

Good luck to you with your chosen career. Life is too short to not enjoy what you do.

[Destined2B]

No one gets the girl in their head because she doesn't exist in real life.

A non-smoker who can support oneself is hardly a "dream" requirement for most people. Smoking is a very common deal breaker as well as not having the means to support oneself.

 

And never tell some one to change, that is just asking for trouble.

I guess all those doctors who tell smoking mothers to quit are asking for trouble.

 

How much can it really bother you if you still spent 1 year with her, enjoyed your time and were able to develop feelings?

 

Being exclusive is not a marriage. So you become official what will really change in your dynamic? Nothing I can see. You will continue life as you live it now. If it doesn't work as you wish you break it off.

 

Being official doesn't mean you are stuck and cannot end it if it does not suit you.

 

Actually, you are correct. This is exactly what I was thinking.

It never bothered me because I only spend one day a week with her (due to commuting issues). My concern is that once I make it official she will eventually want to move in together. And once that happens, smoking will definitely be an issue, as will lack of common interests. That's just a cautionary assumption.

 

There. Fixed it for ya, you're welcome.

Because I know that's what you really meant.

Thanks for the wit. But it's sad to see most people assuming sex is what I'm after with her. I spend 15 years celibate and it won't make much of a difference if it stops. In fact, she wants it more than I do.

 

Would you like it if she, or any other woman, expected you to change? I doubt it.

Not at all, actually. Most of my life was spent on becoming an attractive male. Going to college, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting into a career that I enjoy, giving back to the community, nurturing friendships and acquiring assets (all while being modest and humble about it). Of course, if she'll ask me to change my penis size or my height, then yeah, I wouldn't like it. But I'm not asking her to change any physical attributes.

[SpiralOut]

I'm 27, she's 25. She smokes, lives 70 miles away, doesn't have her own car/place. Doesn't have a steady job but in school and have a passion. Doesn't match my fitness lifestyle or share my hobbies. BUT the sex is AMAZING and I just don't meet women as attractive as her. Plus, she is trustworthy, sweet and fun .

She gave me an ultimatum to stop calling it casual and become official but I have my doubts (above).

 

 

As far as asking her to change, this is how I see it:

 

 

1) smokers who quit smoking RARELY quit for good. Even if she tries to stop, she will probably start sneaking smokes when she feels stressed out, and eventually you will catch her. Is that something you can deal with?

 

 

2) Car/Place/Steady job might be difficult for her to change while she is in school, but if she already has that as a goal, she might do those things on her own accord after graduating.

 

 

3) Fitness lifestyle, don't even try to ask her to change this. You could invite her along on your activities, but if someone doesn't want to do exercise, they won't do it.

 

 

4) Hobbies, well you could try new things together until you find something you both like.

 

 

In other words no I don't think you should ask her to change.

[fitnessfan365]

Do you think you're over estimating her interest level at all?

 

Most women that like a guy and want to get more serious, wouldn't be OK with a once a week frequency after a year. Maybe she just sees you as a sex buddy. But if you have that many doubts about long term compatibility, why not just meet other women and keep seeing her once a week to scratch the itch?

[preraph]

Destined, I do agree with you there are dealbreakers and smoking can certainly be one, but you said you've been with her all this time, so how big a dealbreaker has it really been? The problem is you can't ask her to change without causing some bad feelings either now or down the road. She will have to decide to quit herself.

 

P.S. I'm a 62 year old child of a smoking mother. Yes, it's a terrible habit anyone is better off without, but it's not quite as dramatic as that.

[Buddhist]

Would it be fair to ask her to change first AND THEN become official?

 

We've been together for a year and the thought of never seeing her again is painful.

 

Not really fair no. You met her as she is, you can ask if she ever intends to give up smoking and adopt a healthier lifestyle because you think it's something you could work on together. But any change has to come from her own desire not yours. To put her change on the table as a requirement of being in a relationship with you? That's an ultimatum and I don't like your chances. Most people will understand that ultimatums don't stop at one and you using the relationship as leverage isn't a quality most people seek in partners.

 

Maybe you have to come to the realisation that you either accept her as she is and enjoy what you have or decide to find a better match for you.

[Gaeta]

Actually, you are correct. This is exactly what I was thinking.

It never bothered me because I only spend one day a week with her (due to commuting issues). My concern is that once I make it official she will eventually want to move in together. And once that happens, smoking will definitely be an issue, as will lack of common interests. That's just a cautionary assumption.

I imagine you will not go from 1 day a week to living together. There has to be some transition there. Don't you spend weekends together? if not plan on doing so. Go away on vacation together. To get to really know her you need to spend real time together.

[Xelha]

Ignoring a couple deal breakers is one thing, but it sounds like your deal breakers are major aspects of her lifestyle. You probably couldn't ignore so many deal reakers in the long run, and most things on that list you can't really expect or ask her to change, "official" or not.