I'm badly stuck and dont know

[xbbnx]

I've been a member here for quite some time as you can probably see, but I don't post a lot, I mainly come on and off a few times a week and read about other people's problems, but my brothers and sisters I need help!

 

If you go to my previous thread you'll get a little back story of my situation, but I'll share a little bit of the story here. I (22yrs old) broke up with my girlfriend(29 yrs old) about a month ago basically because I felt pressure from the relationship to be something I wasn't. She wanted a man, somebody who can take charge, protect and provide for her, which is fine and I've tried my best to do just that, but it became too much, it seemed like nothing was enough. She began to compare me to her sisters bf and the maintenance guy at her job who she claimed "were men" because they took charge and made sure and everything was taking care of.."idk it's just something about them", "it turns me on" she went on saying. If you noticed the age difference I stated above. I came to the sudden realization that maybe I'm just too young to bare that cross, I'm just not ready at this time in my life to be anybody's provider and protector, I still have to carve my path and make my way in life. On top of that she started bringing up moving in together, marriage and kids, just 6months in (we've been together off and on going on 11montgs now), and so I broke up with her a month ago. I knew it was the right thing then and I know it's the right thing now, but of course she called and begged and cried and begged and cried. She promised she had made the mistake of pressuring and wouldn't do it again. She went back on her words on marriage and kids claiming she would be willing to wait. No more pressure and expectations she claimed. So I took her back. It's been a month now or so since we've been back together but Im kinda regretting my decision. My feelings are nowhere as close to what they were, I say I love you or I love you too but it has no meaning to me, I don't really anticipate seeing her as much as I used to, and I feel like the only reason I'm still with her at this point is 1. A fear of being lonely 2. It's only been a month since we've been back together, I just don't want to put her through a breakup again so soon 3. She moved here about a year ago so she doesn't really have any close friends aside for one sister she isn't really too close with, so I'm her best friend/family/security out here and without me times would be very difficult as she isn't too financially stable and will soon be moving to a new place which is going to put her more at strain. She relies on me completely to be her support system and I feel responsible for her in a sense. But I know there is no future, I don't love her, and would never marry her, it just wouldn't work. Guys and gals idk know what to do, I care about her and want the best for her, but she won't let go because she has become so attached, and I in a way I'm struggling to let go cuz I have in a way become attached as well as she is really my first serious relationship and I've never been through a real breakup..I just know I'm going to be really lonely and miss her company and feel bad and selfish for abandoning her. She has made those promises after the break up (pressure/marriage) but I feel like she was speaking out of desperation of not wanting to lose her biggest comfort and security, but ultimately regardless I see no future with her. Idk what to do, I'm too young and relatively to inexperienced to deal with this on my own.

[todreaminblue]

hey xb,

 

I think you know what ultimately has to happen you have said it yourself, you see no future with her......

 

you have to do the right thing...it isnt a favour you know to continue to stay with her and become more attached ...both of you....you need to end it and soon..so both of you can find relationships where love is mutual

 

there is no easy way to do this right thing ...it is going to hurt both of you...you will feel guilt, she will feel grief...all of them are necessary emotions to eventually feel and heal through

 

 

she will thank you down the track when she is with someone who totally loves her.....and you will eb grateful later on when you get to meet someone who you do really see a future with.....do it...do it quick and clean ...dont stuff around...end it..walk away.let the healing begin for both of you....i wish you well.deb

[preraph]

Yep, you're just not ready and at your age, no reason you should be. At her age, she's starting to see the value in having someone who can really enhance her life. For her, that's someone who's handy, and I have to say I've always wanted that myself but since I've always liked so many creative types, never found it. So her way of thinking about it is totally rational, and so is yours. You are just not a good match because of the age difference. She's ready to settle down. You're 22 and just trying to get your feet under you and you should just be trying to have a good time and live a little for the next few years.

[xbbnx]

Yes I do know what to do, it's really at this point when in fact to do it. I'm in the military and I'll be deploying in about 3months on early/mid Jul, I'll be gone for the next 6 or 7 months, that would be the perfect time to do it, close to before I deploy, that way I'm all the way across the globe and the temptation to get back together wouldn't be as great. Plus 6 months is enough time for both of us to be far along in the healing process.

Edited March 27, 2015 by xbbnx

[Buddhist]

She relies on me completely to be her support system and I feel responsible for her in a sense.

 

But I know there is no future, I don't love her, and would never marry her, it just wouldn't work.

 

Idk what to do, I'm too young and relatively to inexperienced to deal with this on my own.

 

Well bravo for coming to a quick conclusion about where you are at with this relationship. That's very good news. Breaking up is never fun but the only way to do it is quick, with no opportunity to reconnect. Anything less than that is just needless pain for both of you.

 

Trust her to handle her own emotions and deal with the breakup. She's an adult, she must learn to cope with this on her own. It's not your responsibility to spare her feelings and to be honest you aren't doing her any favours by rekindling hope where there is none.

 

You are right in thinking that she will always want marriage and kids from you. The cats out of the bag now and you've decided she's not the one for you. The kind thing to do now is to let her go asap so she can get on with finding someone else. The sooner, the better.

 

Man up as they say and end it asap. You're only wasting her time otherwise and yours as well.

[xbbnx]

Buddhist, I realize what I ultimately have to do, there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, but I feel that I have been blessed in a way with this opportunity to go away for several months come July with my deployment. Doing it now while we are just 20minutes away from each other would be that much more difficult. I need the kind of distance my deployment will offer me for me and her to completly and amicably move on.

Edited March 27, 2015 by xbbnx

[Redhead14]

I've been a member here for quite some time as you can probably see, but I don't post a lot, I mainly come on and off a few times a week and read about other people's problems, but my brothers and sisters I need help!

 

If you go to my previous thread you'll get a little back story of my situation, but I'll share a little bit of the story here. I (22yrs old) broke up with my girlfriend(29 yrs old) about a month ago basically because I felt pressure from the relationship to be something I wasn't. She wanted a man, somebody who can take charge, protect and provide for her, which is fine and I've tried my best to do just that, but it became too much, it seemed like nothing was enough. She began to compare me to her sisters bf and the maintenance guy at her job who she claimed "were men" because they took charge and made sure and everything was taking care of.."idk it's just something about them", "it turns me on" she went on saying. If you noticed the age difference I stated above. I came to the sudden realization that maybe I'm just too young to bare that cross, I'm just not ready at this time in my life to be anybody's provider and protector, I still have to carve my path and make my way in life. On top of that she started bringing up moving in together, marriage and kids, just 6months in (we've been together off and on going on 11montgs now), and so I broke up with her a month ago. I knew it was the right thing then and I know it's the right thing now, but of course she called and begged and cried and begged and cried. She promised she had made the mistake of pressuring and wouldn't do it again. She went back on her words on marriage and kids claiming she would be willing to wait. No more pressure and expectations she claimed. So I took her back. It's been a month now or so since we've been back together but Im kinda regretting my decision. My feelings are nowhere as close to what they were, I say I love you or I love you too but it has no meaning to me, I don't really anticipate seeing her as much as I used to, and I feel like the only reason I'm still with her at this point is 1. A fear of being lonely 2. It's only been a month since we've been back together, I just don't want to put her through a breakup again so soon 3. She moved here about a year ago so she doesn't really have any close friends aside for one sister she isn't really too close with, so I'm her best friend/family/security out here and without me times would be very difficult as she isn't too financially stable and will soon be moving to a new place which is going to put her more at strain. She relies on me completely to be her support system and I feel responsible for her in a sense. But I know there is no future, I don't love her, and would never marry her, it just wouldn't work. Guys and gals idk know what to do, I care about her and want the best for her, but she won't let go because she has become so attached, and I in a way I'm struggling to let go cuz I have in a way become attached as well as she is really my first serious relationship and I've never been through a real breakup..I just know I'm going to be really lonely and miss her company and feel bad and selfish for abandoning her. She has made those promises after the break up (pressure/marriage) but I feel like she was speaking out of desperation of not wanting to lose her biggest comfort and security, but ultimately regardless I see no future with her. Idk what to do, I'm too young and relatively to inexperienced to deal with this on my own.

 

"I feel like she was speaking out of desperation of not wanting to lose her biggest comfort and security,"

 

"She relies on me completely to be her support system and I feel responsible for her in a sense"

 

Exactly, she wants a man to be everything she isn't. She wants a man to be strong, and take charge because she doesn't want to, or know how to contribute to the relationship. The man can and should take charge some, but there has to be balance and support from the woman.

 

You want a woman who is independent and confident and can take care of herself when necessary. You will, likely, end up being a doormat for this woman as well.

[GoBlue]

Thanks for sharing xbbnx - you are experiencing what many of us "older" folk have had to go through in the past. There is nothing fun about breaking up with someone especially when you do care about them, but it's not right to live a lie either. Maintaining a relationship for another 3 months simply because you will deploy at that time - come on dude. There are not many times that a 22 y/o man dating a 29 y/o woman works - just being honest. Sometimes being a man means stepping up and biting the bullet, especially when it comes to the emotional welfare of someone we say we care about. Would you want someone to string you along for 3 month simply because the timing for a break-up would be better? Better to be lonely than in a less than fulfilling relationship with someone you know you have no future with. At least that's what I have learned about myself over these past 40 something years. Good luck!