strawberryshortstack Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I know there are some here who are against adding someone you're dating no matter what, but I don't see this as realistic. I've been dating someone for a little while - our first date was February 24th, but we've been talking since February 5th. We've had 4 dates so far, and they've all gone well. There has been kissing, hand holding and other forms of PDA, and yes, sex. For the most part, things appear to be going very well. Neither of us is seeing other people, we are seeing each other regularly, and it's apparent that feelings are developing on both sides, although the relationship status discussion has not occurred yet. Here's where it gets tricky. He has shown some tendencies towards jealousy. In one instance, he was uncomfortable with the fact that my latest ex and I are housemates (no residual feelings, we are strictly platonic, he has a girlfriend, and we are essentially landlord and tenant based on a very weak friendship). The second instance was after I'd receved a text message from the aforementioned housemate/landlord stating that he'd need to have rent exactly on the first of the month from then on, to which I'd expressed some minor concern, since I live paycheck to paycheck and don't always have rent exactly on the first (He was previously giving me until the third of the month - I've since determined there isn't going to be a problem with making rent). The next day, I went out with my other housemate (female, and we've become good friends and do a lot of things together), and I told the new guy this, but he somehow got it into his head that I was on a date, because he thought I was totally broke, and expressed some displeasure at the idea. I've addressed and explained these issues to him and he's not mentioned anything since. But here's where the dilemma is. I have many male friends on Facebook. Some I've dated in the past and remained friends with, but have no residual feelings for. Others I have not dated, but they were/are interested in dating me, and others are just platonic friends with no interest, past or present, on either side, to pursue anything sexual or romantic. My fear is that if I add him on Facebook, he will see how many male friends I have and freak out (some of them are even family members, but I don't list my family on Facebook, since I come from a very large extended family). I also fear that if I don't add him, he'll think I'm hiding something from him. So I'm here looking for opinions (be respectful please). Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Well, it's up to you whether you add him on FB or not. However, you're going to have to deal with his jealous tendencies sooner or later; and sooner is way better than later. A certain amount of jealousy in a relationship can be healthy, as long as either person doesn't blow it out of proportion. The fact that your current guy knows your ex (the guy you've had sex with and a relationship with) is your landlord AND that you LIVE with him would probably be unsettling to most guys and may cause a bit of jealousy. But, the more secure and confident a guy is within himself - and with his girlfriend - the less jealous he will feel. He might also have some residual trust issues from a prior relationship, which would explain his jealousy. You can talk to him about that and see if such an issue exists with him. What signs does your current guy exhibit that leads you to believe that he's jealous of your ex/landlord? The fact that he shows signs of being "displeased" that you go out with your female friends, regardless of how "broke" or not you are, sounds a bit controlling to me. It's NONE of his business what your financial situation is nor is it any of his business as to when you hang out with your female friends. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strawberryshortstack Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Well, it's up to you whether you add him on FB or not. However, you're going to have to deal with his jealous tendencies sooner or later; and sooner is way better than later. A certain amount of jealousy in a relationship can be healthy, as long as either person doesn't blow it out of proportion. The fact that your current guy knows your ex (the guy you've had sex with and a relationship with) is your landlord AND that you LIVE with him would probably be unsettling to most guys and may cause a bit of jealousy. But, the more secure and confident a guy is within himself - and with his girlfriend - the less jealous he will feel. He might also have some residual trust issues from a prior relationship, which would explain his jealousy. You can talk to him about that and see if such an issue exists with him. What signs does your current guy exhibit that leads you to believe that he's jealous of your ex/landlord? He sent me a text one night indicating that he thought it was odd, and telling, that I still lived in the same house as my ex. He said he felt that if I wanted to pursue something "real" with another man, that I needed to move out. I explained the situation, that it was an arrangement of convenience, and that it was unlikely to change anytime soon, and that matter appears to be settled. He has not brought it up since, and our relationship has moved forward. There have not been any subsequent signs of jealousy regarding this situation. The fact that he shows signs of being "displeased" that you go out with your female friends, regardless of how "broke" or not you are, sounds a bit controlling to me. It's NONE of his business what your financial situation is nor is it any of his business as to when you hang out with your female friends. His displeasure wasn't with me being out with my friend/housemate, but that, at the time, he didn't actually think I was out with her, he thought I was on a date with another man. He understands now that I wasn't, and he apologized sincerely for his behavior. Again, since we talked about it, he understands the situation and has not exhibited any similar behavior since. I realize that my situation is unusual, and is bound to cause some men to question my relationship with my ex, and I'm prepared to address those with any man that I date. I informed him of the situation during our first telephone conversation, and he seemed to have no problem with it at the time - it wasn't until a couple of weeks later that he let me know that he was uncomfortable with it. I guess what I'm really asking is, would it be wise for me to sit down and talk with him about the Facebook situation before I add him? Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Not a fan Did it once to make her happy. Then all her friends/family started blowing up my inbox wanting to meet. All her posts would show up in my activity feed and it felt like I was spying on her. Finally, she'd always know when I was online and started messaging me all the time to talk. So that's why I'll never FB friend with a woman I'm seeing again. The most I'll do is change my single status to "in a relationship". But other than that, not doing anything FB wise. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 hey, I am in a similar situation to you when i meet a guy ...i am the landlord so to speak and my ex pays me rent......you obviously pretty much have this issue dealt with concerning the ex i feel....it is rare and you also understand the jealousy involved.....its not unusual fro a guy to ask you to eventually move if you are serious about him and him about you..... as far as facebook goes...i would if i were you sit down and have a heart to heart with him.....about the males friends you discussed in this post...and be honest......for me.....i would give a guy i date and were serious about my facebook password...i have nothing to hide....its not a big deal to me.... i dont suggest you should give him your password thats a personal preference of mine to build trust in any relationship i am serious about...but... sitting down and having a talk and maybe the ones who have or are trying it on you, if they dont respect your relationship and status as taken they might need to go....... i feel if you open the channels of honest discussion and tell him you understand that it might make him uncomfortable that you dont want him to be surprised or unsure of the male friends or feel insecure about why you have so many........you might be able to brain storm a way to compromise i wish you well...good luck...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strawberryshortstack Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Not a fan Did it once to make her happy. Then all her friends/family started blowing up my inbox wanting to meet. All her posts would show up in my activity feed and it felt like I was spying on her. Finally, she'd always know when I was online and started messaging me all the time to talk. So that's why I'll never FB friend with a woman I'm seeing again. The most I'll do is change my single status to "in a relationship". But other than that, not doing anything FB wise. I have successfully done it in the past - the ex I mentioned above, for example. We never posted mushy relationship stuff - never even displayed our relationship status. Those who needed to know, knew, and those who didn't need to know, didn't. I'm very good at keeping drama off of facebook and out of my personal relationships, but this is the first time I've had any experience with jealousy issues. At this point, he hasn't even asked, but we're at a stage where we're just spending time together at his place, sitting on his deck drinking our morning coffee or an evening cocktail, and both using facebook simultaneously and talking. It feels like the next logical step would be to add each other, and that's the only reason I'm asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author strawberryshortstack Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 hey, I am in a similar situation to you when i meet a guy ...i am the landlord so to speak and my ex pays me rent......you obviously pretty much have this issue dealt with concerning the ex i feel....it is rare and you also understand the jealousy involved.....its not unusual fro a guy to ask you to eventually move if you are serious about him and him about you..... as far as facebook goes...i would if i were you sit down and have a heart to heart with him.....about the males friends you discussed in this post...and be honest......for me.....i would give a guy i date and were serious about my facebook password...i have nothing to hide....its not a big deal to me.... i dont suggest you should give him your password thats a personal preference of mine to build trust in any relationship i am serious about...but... sitting down and having a talk and maybe the ones who have or are trying it on you, if they dont respect your relationship and status as taken they might need to go....... i feel if you open the channels of honest discussion and tell him you understand that it might make him uncomfortable that you dont want him to be surprised or unsure of the male friends or feel insecure about why you have so many........you might be able to brain storm a way to compromise i wish you well...good luck...deb Yes, I think it's time for a heart to heart with him about this. I don't want to shut him out of any part of my life that he wants to be a part of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
inpeices Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi there, I was/am in your current dates' shoes, though we have been dating since 19th January so about 4 weeks ahead of you. I was initially very unsettled knowing my date lived with the ex, I had no proof they weren't still actively together other than her words..and having been hideously cheated on in a 12yr relationship prior, sadly the circumstances with my potential new date triggered some feelings I thought I had dealt with or got over. Fortunately, instead of voicing my 'insecurity' 'jealousy' whatever those feelings were, I sought to rationalise that it was such early stages and I was in no place to project my own insecurities onto her, when there was a 50/50 chance she was being perfectly honest and upfront. I am almost 40 though and no way could I have dealt with it like this when I was 20 as I did not have the wisdom or self awareness / confidence in myself being worthy, to rationalise my thoughts..but I can say, it was very very challenging not to be suspicious and I even felt like backing out of the situation two weeks ago as I was getting very attached and feeling very scared at the prospect of being taken for a fool again. As it happens, all has been gently aired out and everything is going very very well, but this is purely because she has offered me re-assurance in certain areas without me demanding it...yes I have been communicating (key word) my desire to go forward together exclusively and yes I have shown vulnerability, which was hard as I didn't want to appear 'weak' but it was obviously the right thing to do. Also her, sharing her feelings for me, asking if we can be a couple, and spending her available time with just me has been an enormous boost, and allowed me to be more open and trusting with my true feelings, which have been very strong! Has HE asked to be friends on facebook? If so, then I would say that if you have nothing to hide, then add him and deal with any issues as they crop up.. We had this very discussion last night (now we are officially a couple) and due to the issues facebook seems to cause, and the fact we are very early days into what is now a 'relationship' we have chosen to delay the whole facebook thing. We don't need to be trawling each other's facebooks to have a future. And I have also experienced someone calculated enough to note your closest mates names, all sorts of information VERY early on and when the relationship or whatever goes wrong, have a messaging field day, messing up your friendships and playing havoc with your life.. But for me, this is not the reason myself and my new lady are avoiding facebook for now, we just don't feel it's necessary. Gentle re-assurance, but firm boundaries for us insecure folk to ensure you aren't controlled, is definately the way forward and any hint of stalking or demanding to infiltrate your friends circle or wanting to know who were with or where you are is a red flag to make note of and MAKE note of it! There is a fine line in the early days between someone being genuinely interested but uncertain due to insecurity, vs jealousy and possessiveness. The latter is not a good sign of things to come..I should know, I ignored red flags that were there from day ONE and ended up trapped, living with a very unstable person who assaulted me and almost destroyed me. Hope this helps and take care x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) He sent me a text one night indicating that he thought it was odd, and telling, that I still lived in the same house as my ex. He said he felt that if I wanted to pursue something "real" with another man, that I needed to move out. I explained the situation, that it was an arrangement of convenience, and that it was unlikely to change anytime soon, and that matter appears to be settled. He has not brought it up since, and our relationship has moved forward. There have not been any subsequent signs of jealousy regarding this situation. Well, let's hope that this will be the last and only time he ever beings up YOUR living situation. So far, so good. His displeasure wasn't with me being out with my friend/housemate, but that, at the time, he didn't actually think I was out with her, he thought I was on a date with another man. He understands now that I wasn't, and he apologized sincerely for his behavior. Again, since we talked about it, he understands the situation and has not exhibited any similar behavior since. It's a good sign that he sincerely apologized for his behavior and assumption about you going out with your friends. I realize that my situation is unusual, and is bound to cause some men to question my relationship with my ex, and I'm prepared to address those with any man that I date. I informed him of the situation during our first telephone conversation, and he seemed to have no problem with it at the time - it wasn't until a couple of weeks later that he let me know that he was uncomfortable with it. I guess what I'm really asking is, would it be wise for me to sit down and talk with him about the Facebook situation before I add him? YES. Sit down with him and tell him that you have male friends as well as female friends on FB and that, if he has a problem with this, to let you know now. Also make it clear to him (in as nice a way as possible) that you're NOT going to give up any of your male friends (on FB or IRL) and that you're not going to change any of your friendships with them. But, gently reassuring him that he's the only man in your romantic life will most likely help to put him at ease. Then sit back, and watch his verbal reaction to this as well as his non-verbal reactions (his body language, facial expressions). Trust your gut about his reactions. If you sense that he has no issues with your male friends on FB or IRL and he's totally cool with it, then all is good. However, if you sense that he DOES have an issue with it - even if he tells you otherwise - then you might want to tread carefully with this guy. I mean, if a guy can't accept a woman's friends, male or female, then that'll definitely cause problems in your relationship down the road. Good luck with this, OP. Let us know how your talk with him turns out. . Edited March 27, 2015 by BlackOpsZombieGirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elliecoffee Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 To my very personal point of view, I think basing whatever's going on on facebook is kind of childish. The only thing you should focus when you're trying to decide whether add someone or not is how much you know that person. If you like the guy and you're sure he's not a homicidal maniac or your boss, then I don't see a problem. If you think it could get weird because whatever you post on your facebook page, then don't. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I added the last girl I was dating. Big mistake. It gives the other person the ability to find out a lot about you, and kills the mystery. Facebook does not enhance your dating relationship whatsoever, unless you want to make each other "facebook official" for friends/family to see, but by then you're more comfortable around each other. Don't worry about facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Yes, I think it's time for a heart to heart with him about this. I don't want to shut him out of any part of my life that he wants to be a part of. I don't want to shut him out of any part of my life that he wants to be a part of. and this very thing you posted, i have found in all my experiences and in all essence builds a strong foundation and lasting justified trust.....good luck......deb Link to post Share on other sites
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