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How do I get out of this date?


LifeandPerseverance

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LifeandPerseverance

I went on a date with a guy last week. He wasn't a rude guy, or inconsiderate, or anything like that. He was tall, seemed okay, etc. He actually invited me to dinner, and got me dinner. Which was super nice.

But there was absolutely NO personality chemistry. We had no common interests, completely divergent senses of humor, and frankly..While he wasn't unattractive, I didn't find him attractive either. I feel like tinder just lies. They never look like the same person, in person.

 

And maybe this isn't him, maybe this is just on me. Maybe it's just because I frankly don't give a d$%n about men anymore.

 

There were huge awkward silences. During one of the awkward moments that was NOT silent, he shared with me that he just got out of a relationship 3 months ago. Quote, "But I'm not on the rebound." Me: "Really? How long were you two together?" Him: "Two years." Yeah. Right. Me: "You're on the rebound, whether you realize it or not."

 

I left after the date expecting him not to want to see me again, and I really couldn't care less if I ever saw him again. Then the next day, I got a text: "Hey we should get together again next week." I said "ok". Got the response "Hey let's get beers and shoot pool on Thursday." Me: "ok."

It's also weird because inbetween these texts, there's nothing--no small talk, no nothing. I don't know WHY that seems abnormal to me, but it does.

 

He texted me Monday night: "Hey would you want to go skiing on Friday?" Me (sneakily trying to get out of it): "I might have to work." Him: "okay we can talk about it on Thursday." Then he texted me last night and asked if I was busy. I lied and said yes (was I? No. Did I want to go interact with men? No.) He said "oh well I was just going to see if you wanted to get drinks tonight instead of Thursday." I told him I couldn't, but that if he had plans he needed to make on Thursday, that was okay. Totally okay. We could reschedule. Him: "No we're still going out tomorrow."

 

ANYWAYS: It's now Thursday. And we're suppose to get drinks tonight. BIG PROBLEM: I have this paranoia with alcohol. I will NEVER drink and then drive. Even one beer. It just isn't worth the risk with me. Is it excessive? Yes. Does it make me the bane of everyone's existence? Yes. So if I have a drink date, it's always a huge pain in the butt because I have to find someone to drop me off. Which is harder said than done. I MENTIONED THIS TO HIM, ON THE DATE LAST WEEK. HOW I FEEL ABOUT DRINKING AND THEN GETTING IN THE CAR. So I know he knows. And so...Does anyone have a tactful suggestion how I can just get out of this date? Because (1) he's an okay guy, but I don't feel like we have anything in common, and (2) I hate the prospect of having to have a beer and drive, or not drink and just be awkward (because of this policy of mine, I was everyone's dream DD in college.).

 

 

Any advice? Does it sound like I'm just letting bitterness take me over? Or I just hate men?

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You never should have said OK when he asked for a 2nd date. You should have declined then.

 

Since you said yes, you go on the date. You have a soda or other nonalcoholic drink. You pay for both drinks, yours and his because you set him up to be hurt by agreeing to this date you don't want. When you finish your drink, you thank him for inviting you. You tell him that this isn't working for you. You wish him well in finding somebody else & you leave.

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I think you should get a taxi and go.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe, you have fallen into a rut re: men and you just need to get back out there.

 

 

If you absolutely can't see a way to go, call and break the date. Its just beers after all.

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fitnessfan365

Send him this text :

 

After our date, I just didn't feel any chemistry. So we shouldn't go out again. Best of of luck to you!

 

Don't use any lame cliches about how he's really 'nice" or he'll make some other girl happy, etc.. Just be direct, honest, and make sure it's close ended so he won't keep trying.

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This is what a million guys on here complain about...passive women like you, that give excuses instead of just being honest with them. You are being inconciderate leading this guy to think you are interested. You can either take d0nnivain's advice and go on a 2nd date, or you can just fess up to him over the phone and appologize for not being honest with him and there will not be a second date.

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If I was the guy, as tough as it would be to hear - just be honest - tell him that you've had a bit of time to think about it, and you're not really interested and that you don't to go out.

 

It's a bit hard to do, but it will make things easier for you over the near term (until he vanishes) - it's not hard to imagine that he'd try to ask you out again after drinks, as he was already trying to get more time with you via drinks the day early and skiing the day after.

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OP you sound a bit Manic especially with the One Beer thing...

 

Anyways 3 months is plenty of time to get over a 2 year relationship... My buddy wasn't even 2 months out of his 2 year relationship and he's seeing another girl now and things are going great with them.

 

Just text him (its OK to text since its only a 2nd date) the following if you don't want to feel bad:

 

"Hey, I think you seem great, but I don't feel a connection between us and don't think we should get drinks tonight or continue to see each other"

 

Or any variant of that.

 

Be straightforward, don't be a wuss.

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LifeandPerseverance

Yeah, I realize this is what guys hate. And I'd like to say I feel bad, but I think my empathy for men finished rotting about about 3.5 weeks ago.

 

 

I shouldn't have a agreed to a 2nd--but at the time, I didn't feel as against it as I do now, for whatever reason? Why?

 

 

If we could have a venue change--like if we could get frozen yogurt, which is quick, etc, I would be okay with it. No alcohol, it's fast, I can pay for myself, and maybe he might even have personality I didn't see on the first date.

 

 

Anyway to suggest a venue change?

 

 

And if it's like I expect it to be..I will text him after and just tell him we have no personality chemistry or are on different paths in life.

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Just cancel the date by txt and stop agreeing to meet up. Seriously if you didn't want to see him again then don't say yes to another date.

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Anyway to suggest a venue change?

 

 

You call him about an hour before & say I don't really really feel up for a noisy bar. Can we go get frozen yogurt at xyz instead?

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This is what a million guys on here complain about...passive women like you, that give excuses instead of just being honest with them.

 

Spot on.

 

And just because you say "I think my empathy for men finished rotting about about 3.5 weeks ago.", it doesn't give you an excuse to shirk responsibility out of this and become a passive person trying to sneak out of it.

 

You want people to treat you with respect, start doing the same.

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LifeandPerseverance

This is why I'm wondering if it's not him, it's just me..because I've basically felt this apathy across the board for all men who have contacted me lately and made an effort.

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fitnessfan365
This is why I'm wondering if it's not him, it's just me..because I've basically felt this apathy across the board for all men who have contacted me lately and made an effort.

 

Haha.. Did you really just say "It's not him, it's me"?

 

If that was the case your first post wouldn't have listed off all the reasons you weren't attracted to him.

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LifeandPerseverance
Haha.. Did you really just say "It's not him, it's me"?

 

If that was the case your first post wouldn't have listed off all the reasons you weren't attracted to him.

Touche. You're right.

 

 

He also hasn't set a time for tonight, and it's now 2 in the afternoon, so, maybe I have nothing to worry about.

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He also hasn't set a time for tonight, and it's now 2 in the afternoon, so, maybe I have nothing to worry about.

 

Take some responsibility for your own destiny. Reach out to him. Ask if you are still on & change the venue.

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I hate to say it, but if you have a geneal animosity towrds men, you should really stop dating altogether for a while, and get to the bottom of this feeling.

 

I can equate.

I have a thing about the GENERAL male gender, and its treatment of women through the millennia, and the fact that there are still countless thousands of 'injustices' against women of varying levels and degrees, still going on, globally, today in this so-called enlightened time of the 21st century.

 

Women are still tied to abusive relationships domestically, and laws are being written as we speak, to include Emotional/Psychological abuse as a crime.

I get the obvious 'well men suffer abuse too, of many types' and of course, men are absolutely right. They do.

but in nowhere near the same numbers, and statistically, it's still a 'man's world' where the males generally call the shots, and many women also play into it, sadly.

 

But I am working to see through this resentment I have held for such a long time, and I know that actually, there are many straight, level-headed, considerate and compassionate men who actually feel as I do, and see things in the same light, so it's really unfair to bracket men under the same title, the world over.

Because it's neither accurate nor justified. Guys are OK.

And in many ways, they're trying to make their way in a rapidly-changing world, just as much as we are.

It's confusing when roles are so exchangeable, and the edges are blurred.

Many guys just don't know where they stand, with women, any more.

Expectations are so varied, as to leave them dizzy and reeling....

 

So cut these guys some slack, and look to yourself.

 

I think you may be justified in some ways, but really, you're letting your jaded emotions colour the whole book, and the monotonous monochrome just doesn't sit well....

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If you have this many negative feelings towards men and dating then you should not be interacting with ANYONE right now. It's not fair to them they are all getting the short end of the stick with you based on past experiences with other jerks.

 

You need to either:

 

A. Go on the date, PAY for it since you know this isn't going to go anywhere. Don't take advantage of him. Thank him for his time, and later on be direct that you don't want to see him again.

 

B. Call him up asap and tell him you changed your mind. End it before it even starts.

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LifeandPerseverance

I waited til 6:45 to text him. I told him "hey I haven't heard from you all day, and it's now almost 7, so I'm assuming we're not going out tonight." I figured my escape route.

 

Of course THEN he responds right back. "Hey I just got off work. I was still planning on going out." Really, dude? Like I was just gonna drop everything to leave my entire night open for you? That's what you expected?

 

It's not like he could have attempted to set a time LAST NIGHT. Or THIS MORNING, WHEN HE WOKE UP. Or this afternoon, during LUNCH.

 

Doesn't impress me.

 

I'm still at work, myself. I said I don't feel like going to a bar, and I don't want to be out late. Frankly, I want to get pizza, go home, and lay on the sofa with my dog.

I said froyo. If it can be earlier rather than later, I will go and give it a shot. And yes--I will pay for my own. I don't like to take advantage of anyone.

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LifeandPerseverance
If you have this many negative feelings towards men and dating then you should not be interacting with ANYONE right now.
]

 

I think you might be right, but at the same time, I feel like if I did that..this lets the last guy win. Like I'm just suppose to take time off being happy or dating just because the last jerk screwed me over. It's like he gets to "win"--he gets his ex girlfriend, and I get to be alone AND bitter. What a win-win for everyone(sarcasm): "I have to take time off dating" yet he gets to go on, and be happy. Nah.

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fitnessfan365

Life,

 

If you have no desire to ever see him again, why are you continuing to keep up the charade hoping he'll back out? Wouldn't life just be so much easier on you, if you'd text him, and say that you don't want to see him anymore?

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I'd be really irritated if a woman wasted my time going out with me just because she said she would. I'd much rather have her cancel before the date, even if it's last minute. And by cancel I mean call me up and tell me you don't think it's going to work, not some other excuse that leads me to believe you'd still like to go out some other time.

 

I think it was really lame to try to put this back on this guy because you hadn't heard from him all day. He should have confirmed the date but don't make up excuses like that. Just be honest and tell him you don't think it's going to work out.

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Did the 'date' go down? I agree you should have just told him the truth, the exact reasons you gave here. You've only been on one date so it's not like being uninterested would destroy him.

 

Or you could tell him you're so not into men right now that you're into women. Problem solved. ;)

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"I don't want to go out with him, had an "escape route", but still decided on going for Froyo with him."

 

Because: Logic.

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1. you are not into him so I don't think you should go

2. why on earth do you have to drink booze anyway? There are loads of non alcoholic options at a bar...

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