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What can I do to get guys to approach me?


VanessaVanessa

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VanessaVanessa

Well I haven't dated in a while, and have been single for an even longer while.

 

Deep down I am still dealing with a break up of about a year and a half ago, but I am not "stuck" in it completely and well I need to move on sooner rather than later...

 

Anyways here is my question:

 

Sometimes while I am out and about I will notice when some guys sort of stare at me but they don't approach me. Well, a few times a couple of guys have pretended to ask me for directions (I eventually found out or I could tell) to somewhere but then they don't keep going and then we part ways. What is something that I can do to maybe get someone to approach me and just talk?

 

I have been told that I am usually serious looking, but a few people have said that I have a friendly type of face or that I have a nice smile. So yeah I don't know which is true... I have made an effort to smile some more to strangers but there's really not any change.

 

Do any guys on this site have any advice to give? What would give you the o.k. to go and talk to a girl by the actions she did? Is there really anything I can do? Maybe I should be approaching -- and if so how would I do it? :p

 

I am twenty years old by the way.

Edited by VanessaVanessa
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You could smile and say hello.

 

Serious faces also look grumpy and unaproachable. So go ahead and flash us a grin :D

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VanessaVanessa
You could smile and say hello.

 

Very straightforward but true. I guess sometimes the answer is simple but the effort is harder. Thanks

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Very straightforward but true. I guess sometimes the answer is simple but the effort is harder. Thanks

 

Time to think happy thoughts.

 

This is where having a good life and enjoying life comes in handy.

 

Do the things you enjoy. Spend time with people who care about you. Go out and have little adventures and challenge yourself. Learn how to laugh at yourself. Pamper yourself and look after yourself. Feel good about who you are. Then your smile will come back...

 

If you think about the things that make you smile and laugh you will automatically start to laugh and smile more. So watch all those rom coms and get a joke book from the shops. Paint your nails green with pink polka dots...

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Well I haven't dated in a while, and have been single for an even longer while.

 

Deep down I am still dealing with a break up of about a year and a half ago, but I am not "stuck" in it completely and well I need to move on sooner rather than later...

 

Anyways here is my question:

 

Sometimes while I am out and about I will notice when some guys sort of stare at me but they don't approach me. Well, a few times a couple of guys have pretended to ask me for directions (I eventually found out or I could tell) to somewhere but then they don't keep going and then we part ways. What is something that I can do to maybe get someone to approach me and just talk?

 

I have been told that I am usually serious looking, but a few people have said that I have a friendly type of face or that I have a nice smile. So yeah I don't know which is true... I have made an effort to smile some more to strangers but there's really not any change.

 

Do any guys on this site have any advice to give? What would give you the o.k. to go and talk to a girl by the actions she did? Is there really anything I can do? Maybe I should be approaching -- and if so how would I do it? :p

 

I am twenty years old by the way.

 

Vanessa, there's not a whole lot you can do to make them approach except smile flirtatiously when you look at them and then lower your eyes as you look away. Usually, this works for me if the man is interested in approaching, he will. You've given him a sign of interest. Sometimes, you'll have to be at the same a place at the same time a couple of times in order for them to make that move. So, if there is a guy there who is looking at you, go back the next day or a couple of days in a row to see if there is a common schedule. Otherwise, just be comfortable with yourself and relaxed and smile, a lot :) Give the "aura" of approachability. Lean back, don't cross you arms. Give the sense of openess. If you are stiff, fidgety, not smiling you will seem unapproachable. If there is a song playing in the background you like, bop your head a long to it. Little things like this send a message.

Edited by Redhead14
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fitnessfan365

The truth is that a guy has to be confident and willing to approach women regardless of what you do. I mean you can smile and hold eye contact, wearing heels and a skintight dress, and if he doesn't have any balls it's not going to matter. Unfortunately,a good percentage of guys these days are afraid to talk to women out in the real world. That's why all the socially awkward nice guys resort to online dating.

 

I personally love to talk to women out and about. Like when I was in Subway recently, I had both the women working there laughing and talking with me. Then when another women joined in on the conversation, I started getting her to laugh and smile as well. Now, none of them were my type and I'm currently dating someone. But the point is that I treat all women the same and just enjoy creating fun, flirty, social moments.

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You get more flies with honey . . .

 

Smile & say hello. Even the most confident of guys can use a little encouragement.

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You approach them. Why do they have to approach you? You see something you like, strike up a convo.

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fitnessfan365
You approach them. Why do they have to approach you? You see something you like, strike up a convo.

 

I can't speak for all men. But aggressive women turn me off. I still prefer being the pursuer. A woman that respects the male/female dynamic will always let men approach her.

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I can't speak for all men. But aggressive women turn me off. I still prefer being the pursuer. A woman that respects the male/female dynamic will always let men approach her.

 

There's aggressive & there there is encouraging.

 

Even as confident as you are, you're not going to approach a woman who seems as though she could eviscerate you with one look as opposed to a woman that smiles at you & says Hi or isn't it a lovely day? / do you think it will ever stop raining?

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Vanessa, what are you looking for specifically? You want random men to approach you, or someone in particular? Be careful what you ask for. ;)

 

 

Vanessa, women approach men as often as men approach women where i come from.

 

I am curious as well, is there a particular bloke who lights up your eyes?

 

Maybe your his sun lit dream? A big flashing smile usually goes down well.

 

Some good advice here i think.... from most posters.

 

GL.

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if she approaches and makes her interest really obvious, that to me is aggressive behavior.

 

 

 

 

So making her interest obvious is a bad thing???? Its absolutely comical how threatened you are by a woman with a voice and independence.

 

More women need to stop waiting for guys like fitness to hunt them down, and take the initiative on their own!

 

The OP should just go with it, and enjoy putting herself out there

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More women need to stop waiting for guys like fitness to hunt them down, and take the initiative on their own!

 

Guys like fitnessfan are going to do what they are going to do. A woman who catches the eye of such a man won't have to wait. Other guys sometimes need a little encouragement.

 

It's scary & risky to always be the one who has to initiate because it's no fun getting rejected. The old saying is the fastest way to catch a guy is make him chase you but sometimes it's OK to make sure he hears the starting gun. As a woman, you have to telegraph to many guys that it's OK to approach, that it's a safe space, that their attentions are welcome. For every guy out there who thinks he stirred up a connection out of thin air, there was probably a woman puling the strings he didn't even know were attached. :cool:

 

The problems come in on the other end, when as the woman you are practically screaming Get the {bleep} away from me you creep! but they still do a full court press.

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. But some guys are so clueless with women they expect her to hold a neon sign above her head or actually ask them out on dates. :laugh:

 

See, the neon sign above her head is a bit aggressive. I'm suggesting a small handwritten note held about waist high.

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fitnessfan365
See, the neon sign above her head is a bit aggressive. I'm suggesting a small handwritten note held about waist high.

 

Some guys might like that. It depends. But the note to me is that neon sign.

 

For some guys (myself included) something that forward would instantly make me wonder why she has to try so hard. When a woman is confident enough to know that she doesn't have to, I find that extremely attractive. All she needs is a smile/look or starting a conversation to let a guy take the hint.

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For some guys (myself included) something that forward would instantly make me wonder why she has to try so hard. When a woman is confident enough to know that she doesn't have to, I find that extremely attractive. All she needs is a smile/look or starting a conversation to let a guy take the hint.

 

Before I met my husband I was at a Meet Up event. I met a guy who seemed interesting. During the course of our conversation it came up that he was in the market to hire somebody in my industry for a project. I needed the work more than I needed a date. As I was leaving I handed him my business card & told him that I'd be happy to assist with his professional needs but I'd be happier if he called me for personal reasons.

 

He did call & invited me out to dinner. At dinner he confessed that if I had not said that he never would have asked me out because he thought I was "out of his league". I wanted to smack him with a 2x4 because I thought I was flirting my butt off while we were talking (except for the few minutes we talked about business).

 

Anyway as that was one of my 1st forays into the world of adult dating (I had met all my previous SOs in academic settings) I concluded that many men need those neon signs.

 

This was a well educated, 40+ year old man who was running a successful business. It's not like he was a babe in the woods.

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I can't speak for all men. But aggressive women turn me off. I still prefer being the pursuer. A woman that respects the male/female dynamic will always let men approach her.

 

Striking up a casual conversation with a man is not being aggressive or pursuing. A woman can strike up a casual light conversation with a man but don't ask for his number or intimate that she wants a date with him.

 

If he's enjoying the conversation and wants to ask her on a date, he can. It's still up to him to initiate a date. Otherwise, they were just two people having a nice conversation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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I can't speak for all men. But aggressive women turn me off. I still prefer being the pursuer. A woman that respects the male/female dynamic will always let men approach her.

 

While I know there are men out there who say that are perfectly fine with women approaching, I know that it's far more common that they don't find it attractive.

 

I don't get approached, so I have done a fair amount of my own approaching in the past. I have a 100% rejection rate.

 

OP - I haven't really got much for you. Of course, being happy and positive while increase your chances, but all in all, there may not be much that can be done. I don't get approached, and I've come to expect that I won't be.

 

That is still normal. Different people have different normals. Not getting approached is still perfectly normal.

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fitnessfan365
Striking up a casual conversation with a man is not being aggressive or pursuing. A woman can strike up a casual light conversation with a man but don't ask for his number or intimate that she wants a date with him.

 

If he's enjoying the conversation and wants to ask her on a date, he can. It's still up to him to initiate a date. Otherwise, they were just two people having a nice conversation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

Good post. I originally let my mind jump to extremes of a woman actually giving her number or blatantly letting a man know she was interested.

 

But a woman striking up a conversation with a guy and allowing him to pick up on her interest level is something I'm cool with.

 

Hold up, Cowboy. Aren't you the guy who is currently into holding out having sex to make the woman be the aggressor and work on you to give in?

 

Just sayin'.

 

 

Haha... Nope. You mis-understood what I wrote. I am still being aggressive and leading the physical/sexual interaction (foreplay only). But I like to hold off on sex for at least a month to really build a woman's desire and get to know her body/what turns her on. That makes sex hotter for me. I like long term seduction and mental stimulation. So many guys rush into sex after 2-3 dates that they don't take the time to truly build that deep desire in the woman they're having sex with. But if you take the time to really turn her on, seduce her, and get to know what makes her tick..forget about it.

Edited by fitnessfan365
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But you admit you were frustrated that he didn't pick up on your signals. So if you had to choose, you'd rather that he would have asked you out based on that, and not you having to actually give him your card. The fact that he said you were out of his league, implies a lack of confidence. So wouldn't that be a turn off to you?

 

I wasn't frustrated. I was surprised. I had no idea that he wasn't reading me correctly. Remember this was one of the 1st times I ever tried going out there to meet somebody as an adult.

 

I didn't see it as lack of confidence so much. The guy was a trial lawyer; his ego wasn't underdeveloped. :rolleyes:

 

His issue turned out to be he wasn't over his last relationship. We spent our whole second date dissecting it. After that mini-therapy session I wished him well but told him I couldn't date him because he was still hung up on her. he sincerely thanked me for listening.

 

It still comes back to most women have to make it very apparent to most men that they are open to at least being spoken to. If as a women you walk around looking like you are going to bite everyone's head off, you are not going to get approached. If you see a guy who catches your fancy, nothing bad will come from smiling & saying hello.

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Hey, it's not black and white. There's all kinds of people comfortable with different degrees of approaching and being approached. Yes, traditionally, it's been more the man's job to approach. If you spend any time on this board seeing who's more frustrated about needing to get laid, I think you can understand how this all came about, starting in caveman days. That said, I have done a lot of the footwork to meet who I wanted to meet and wouldn't have had much of a social life if I didn't because I'm not the big boobed blond in the room. That doesn't mean I went up and propositioned, though I have done that as well. It means I invested some time in finding common ground and legit reasons to talk to someone. That's what I'm comfortable with.

 

As far as smiling goes, my one regret is I didn't do more of it. I was a dark, serious, bitch-faced gothy rocker for a lot of my youth and only smiled when I was genuinely amused, and I see now that that was a foolish mistake. I was very intimidating.

 

OP says easier said than done -- not if you think of it the way I now do:

Don't smile only at the one guy you're interested in. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if you're in a club or wherever you are, smile frequently and look up at everyone around you, men and women and just look friendly and you will be amazed how many people will just go ahead and be friendly back. It will give whatever guy you have your eyes on courage to come up if he's so inclined, even though at this point you haven't even smiled at him. I bet at the very least, he'll do a fly-by and see if he can catch one of those killer smiles.

 

I know another way to get random guys to come up. Now, to me, this isn't advisable unless you're working a VERY good room free of necrophiliacs waiting for a woman to fall down drunk so they can drag her out. But a friend of mine did the field research right in front of me to prove it can work.

 

We were at a music club at a long table with a hair band that was at the top of the charts. They were all very wasted. Closing time one of them starts yelling "PARTY" somewhere and me but my friends noticed that they weren't going around chatting girls up to get them to go to it. It was just a conversation, you know, me saying, Well, they usually have girls all over them, so maybe they're not used to actually having to ask, you know, just a conversation. My friend says, "Watch, I'll show you how to get guys to come up to you." She grabs her other friend by both hands and starts bouncing up and down in a circle laughing like eight-year-olds on the playground. And sure enough, two of the band guys reappeared from the back door and approached them, as well as every other dude in there was thinking about it. (They didn't go to the party, though. I think the manager nixed the party.) She was demonstrating how many guys were attracted by what appeared to be bouncing drunk laughing bimbos. It was most of them at that venue, which is kind of pathetic. But the lesson to be learned is you really can't get too laughy or animated or bouncy for most guys. They see it like a cheetah sees a lame antelope, like an open door, a riskfree proposition. But don't use it indiscriminantly. This is one superpower you should use only as a last resort and probably only if you're not looking for the man you want to marry.

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Appear approachable. Give signs that you will not bite a man's head off if he tries to talk to you.

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Nothing wrong with women taking a hold of the reigns. I find it attractive when a woman doesnt live in the shadow of the man. I wish there were more independent women where I live. Relationships should be 50-50 not 80-20.

Edited by Male
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