I don't understand why he acted this way

[stars989]

Two weeks ago I started to talk to a guy on tinder. For two weeks we were texting/talking on the phone every day, sometimes almost all night. I know that this is not ideal for online dating, usually its best to meet right away, and that's how I usually operate. But we were both out of town, so couldn't meet up until last weekend.

 

 

He was out at the bar with his friends, and asked if I wanted to meet up. When I got there, he was already pretty intoxicated. We had a great time all night, laughing, dancing, kissing. He was holding my hand being affectionate, taking care of me all night. He tried to get me to touch him intimately at the bar, but I just chocked that up to him being kinda drunk.

 

 

I ended up taking him home because his friends left him. It was around 4am and he asked me to come in. I agreed, and maybe this is where I screwed up. But I felt comfortable with everything that had happened before so I stayed. He tried extremely hard to get me to have sex with him, even when I kept on telling him to stop. It went pretty far though. In the am, he tried again. I stopped him, he wanted me to stay later, but I had to go. He walked me to my car, kissed me, everything seemed great.

 

 

I texted him an hour later saying I had a fun night. He replied "no. Thank you." I replied by saying " I don't want you to think that I didn't want you, I just like to take things a little slower. It was hard saying no to you : )" He replied with a "lol, hows your day going?" I replied and asked him how his day was going...he never replied the rest of the day. I ended up calling him at 9pm, he answered and sounded like he had been asleep. He asked what I was doing, I told him I was gonna head out with one of my girlfriends. He said he'll contact me later. He never did. At 3am I sent a tipsy text, just saying if he wasn't interested, or I wan't his type its ok, he can be honest with me since it was our first meeting. At 4pm the next day he replied, "did you send that text while you were tipsy?" I made a joke out of it and said I was soo tipsy I don't really know what I was saying, I think I just wanted to know if I had made an ok impression lol : ). He never replied and I haven't heard from him since then and that was on sunday.

 

 

This was someone that I talked to multiple times every day and every night for two weeks straight. I feel like I am to blame for everything, but I don't feel like I acted out of character. Maybe it was the tipsy text? But he has asked me the same thing before, and we have talked about making good first impressions in jest.

 

 

Please help me understand.

[h0000]

i dont know whats hard to understand here.

obviously he never wants anything serious. and he knows you so obviously want something serious so he backed off. thank him for saving your time

[ExpatInItaly]

He's looking for a FWB arrangement. You're not. That's all.

[Jessie1231]

This kind of describes my weekend too. We had the two weeks of texting and talking. Stayed up until all hours talking about everything you could talk about. We had lunch and liked each other, so the constant talking continued. Then we had a dinner date last weekend which ended up with me spending the weekend at his house. We had such a good time and really clicked. Or so I thought.

 

I came home Sunday and suddenly the guy who never quit talking had very little to say. At first he stayed up so late telling me every detail of his life, but now he has developed a 10pm bedtime. He had adored me and couldn't seem to get enough of me, but now he has told me that while he does like me he doesn't want us to label anything. I tried twice to make plans to see him in the future and he had excuses for both. I gave up.

 

It hurts a little because it is rejection, and any type of rejection will sting. I don't know whether he only wanted a good time for a weekend or maybe he wanted more at first but realized that I just wasn't it. No matter what the reason, he's done so I haven't contacted him since last night and I'm doubting I hear from him either.

 

So you're not alone in being confused by someone's actions. I wish I understood why he suddenly stopped being interested, but I'm definitely not asking because that would be way too needy. I'm just letting this one go and hoping for better luck next time.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree with the above posts.

 

Perhaps you need to get straight what it is YOU want from being online because if it's primarily a relationship, Tinder is NOT your best option.

 

As old as I am, even I know that Tinder is known to be more of a hook-up site than anything else.

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

I texted him an hour later saying I had a fun night. He replied "no. Thank you." I replied by saying " I don't want you to think that I didn't want you, I just like to take things a little slower. It was hard saying no to you : )" He replied with a "lol, hows your day going?"

 

He brushed your comment off - a man who was into you would have said " wow, I am so sorry if I was pushy, I guess I just had a bit too much to drink and well, I was very attracted to you.

 

I want you to know that we can go as slow as you like, as I would like to spend time getting to know you"

 

I replied and asked him how his day was going...he never replied the rest of the day. I ended up calling him at 9pm, he answered and sounded like he had been asleep.

 

You acted desperate.

 

It is okay I have acted desperate before too.

 

When you text a guy and he never responds all day - YOU WAIT for him to respond - you DO NOT call them when they stop responding.

 

He asked what I was doing, I told him I was gonna head out with one of my girlfriends. He said he'll contact me later. He never did.

 

Dating 101: when a man is into you and when you make a good impression on him - he calls when he says he will call OR ELSE he will text to apologize and offer to re schedule the phone call....

 

At 3am I sent a tipsy text, just saying if he wasn't interested, or I wan't his type its ok, he can be honest with me since it was our first meeting.

 

I cringed.

 

I have made this mistake before too.

 

Look, he didn't respond to your text, so you chased him; and he then said he'd call you later. He didn't.

 

He blatantly showed you that he was just - Not. Interested.

 

You should have then just ceased contact.

 

He wasn't into you. He didn't like what he saw when he met you. Harsh but true. Happens to attractive and cute women - not every guy will be impressed with us.

 

You then went and sent him an annoying message which was not necessary - he wasn't into you, you didn't need to make a song and dance about it with that "are you interested or not" text:sick:

 

If you had just stopped contacting him after his obvious blow offs, he wouldn't have texted you again for a while; he would have come sniffing about when he wanted sex though, but attractive, confident women who are worthwhile and have options, are not idiots and know their worth and they do not accept "just sex" with men who don't think very highly of them.

 

At 4pm the next day he replied, "did you send that text while you were tipsy?" I made a joke out of it and said I was soo tipsy I don't really know what I was saying, I think I just wanted to know if I had made an ok impression lol : ). He never replied and I haven't heard from him since then and that was on sunday

 

He thought that you sounded sad, pathetic and desperate like you are a woman with no options.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry for being harsh, but you have to remember that most of the men that you meet online will not be that impressed by you in person. They won't think you're anything special and they will therefore, just want sex from you while they hold out for a girl who blows their mind.

 

And he showed you how lacking in character he is - by getting you to grope him intimately on the first date - men who do this don't respect you, like you or think you are dating material.

 

Quality men, when they are not that into a woman they just meet up with from online - talk to her, have a great time and then they are HONEST with her and say " thanks but I don't feel a romantic connection. Take care"

Decent men don't get a girl that they are not interested in, to grope them... Higher quality men have needs too though, but they go about getting sex differently. They have and honest discussion about it before sleeping with a girl casually, because they want to avoid hurt feelings! They don't JUST think with their dicks.....

 

To all of us - experiences women - we could all see that he only wanted you for sex. We could see he wasn't into you after you declined sex.

 

Try to understand why it is we have reached this conclusion, and I urge you to conduct yourself very differently next time.

 

-never let a man get intimate with you on a first meet up unless you just want sex

 

- never chase a guy. Let them do the heavy lifting in the initial stages, if they are interested in you, they will call/text and set up dates...

 

- don't chat for more than a week before meeting and don't have too many long and intense phone conversations, since it builds up too many expectations in your head. If you click via phone you may not feel the chemistry in real life!

 

Good luck, sorry this happened to you, don't feel too silly as it is VERY common!

[losangelena]

OP, I think very simply that this guy just wanted fwb, and when you wouldn't give in to him that first night, he figured it was too much effort.

 

Honestly, the fact that he asked you out with a bunch of his friends and tried to get you to touch him intimately upon first meeting is a bad sign. That's not above board behavior. Frankly, you did nothing "wrong" to scare him away. Chances are, he would have found some other way of fading out if it hadn't been this way.

 

Don't worry about it. In the future, try and keep your head on a bit straighter before meeting—no more of these long chats. And take someone's words with a grain of salt until you see that they're backed up with action.

[Leigh 87]

oh - and when the OP drunk texted him, saying " hey if you're not interested it is cool it was only a first meet"

 

-- he didn't deny his disinterest.... He simple texted back " lol were you drunk when you sent that?"

 

A guy who WAS into the OP, would definitely have said " oh I am interested, don't think otherwise!"

[Leigh 87]

OP, I think very simply that this guy just wanted fwb, and when you wouldn't give in to him that first night, he figured it was too much effort.

 

Honestly, the fact that he asked you out with a bunch of his friends and tried to get you to touch him intimately upon first meeting is a bad sign. That's not above board behavior. Frankly, you did nothing "wrong" to scare him away. Chances are, he would have found some other way of fading out if it hadn't been this way.

 

Don't worry about it. In the future, try and keep your head on a bit straighter before meeting—no more of these long chats. And take someone's words with a grain of salt until you see that they're backed up with action.

 

They talked for hours so...

 

- either he was open to more than a FWB, but just wasn't attracted enough to the OP, and didn't feel the right chemistry in person.....

 

- he only wanted a FWB all along, and simply enjoyed chatting to the OP a lot; after all, many guys love calling and chatting to girls they have no romantic interest in.

[losangelena]

They talked for hours so...

 

- either he was open to more than a FWB, but just wasn't attracted enough to the OP, and didn't feel the right chemistry in person.....

 

- he only wanted a FWB all along, and simply enjoyed chatting to the OP a lot; after all, many guys love calling and chatting to girls they have no romantic interest in.

 

Well, since we don't know either of the ppl involved, I guess we'll never know which one it was.

[h0000]

Sorry for being harsh, but you have to remember that most of the men that you meet online will not be that impressed by you in person. They won't think you're anything special and they will therefore, just want sex from you while they hold out for a girl who blows their mind.

 

And he showed you how lacking in character he is - by getting you to grope him intimately on the first date - men who do this don't respect you, like you or think you are dating material.

 

Quality men, when they are not that into a woman they just meet up with from online - talk to her, have a great time and then they are HONEST with her and say " thanks but I don't feel a romantic connection. Take care"

Decent men don't get a girl that they are not interested in, to grope them... Higher quality men have needs too though, but they go about getting sex differently. They have and honest discussion about it before sleeping with a girl casually, because they want to avoid hurt feelings! They don't JUST think with their dicks.....

 

To all of us - experiences women - we could all see that he only wanted you for sex. We could see he wasn't into you after you declined sex.

 

Try to understand why it is we have reached this conclusion, and I urge you to conduct yourself very differently next time.

 

-never let a man get intimate with you on a first meet up unless you just want sex

 

- never chase a guy. Let them do the heavy lifting in the initial stages, if they are interested in you, they will call/text and set up dates...

 

- don't chat for more than a week before meeting and don't have too many long and intense phone conversations, since it builds up too many expectations in your head. If you click via phone you may not feel the chemistry in real life!

 

Good luck, sorry this happened to you, don't feel too silly as it is VERY common!

 

Why would you say "most of the men that you meet online will not be that impressed by you in person.?

[preraph]

Tinder is still for hookups. His "no thanks" was pretty clear. If you don't put out, not interested. You sort of hinted you might put out soon by saying you want him and I think he did pause and think about investing one more day, but decided not to. Get off Tinder. Obviously, you're not just there to hook up and that's how that site started and it's still very much a hookup site, not so much a dating site.

[edgygirl]

Isn't Tinder specifically for hookups? What is all this drama about?

 

Are you really expecting to find a relationship there?

[edgygirl]

Exactly. Sorry I wrote my post before seeing yours

 

Tinder is still for hookups. His "no thanks" was pretty clear. If you don't put out, not interested. You sort of hinted you might put out soon by saying you want him and I think he did pause and think about investing one more day, but decided not to. Get off Tinder. Obviously, you're not just there to hook up and that's how that site started and it's still very much a hookup site, not so much a dating site.

[edgygirl]

Also, OP - you sound clingy and desperate. You have to rethink how you communicate with the guys you date.

 

You wanted to know if you did ok? That sounds mega insecure, get a grip! Find ways to love yourself before going out with guys so you don't have to rely on them for validation.

[Leigh 87]

Why would you say "most of the men that you meet online will not be that impressed by you in person.?

 

Because most men a woman meets online won't fall for them or be that into them.

 

It's extremely rare to find a man who views you as very attractive and dating material, and for the girl to feel that mutually.

 

Just the way it is.

[h0000]

Because most men a woman meets online won't fall for them or be that into them.

 

It's extremely rare to find a man who views you as very attractive and dating material, and for the girl to feel that mutually.

 

Just the way it is.

 

You mean, say it's the same man and woman ,if they met in a cafe he would fall for her, if they met online he wouldn't ?

[Diezel]

#1 Tinder

 

#2 When you got there, he was already intoxicated

 

#3 You went to his place, what did you think he was going to try to do?

 

Why do women continue to ignore all of these signs? It's so blatant. How is this confusing? You should have ended YOUR night way earlier than going to his place.

[Leigh 87]

You mean, say it's the same man and woman ,if they met in a cafe he would fall for her, if they met online he wouldn't ?

 

 

 

It is rare to ever meet people who really knock your socks off so the OP shouldn't have talked for weeks and built her hopes up when, more often than not, online dates NEVER lead to anything special.

 

Most men I meet prob think I am average or ugly; nothing special and certainly not dating material.

 

You should never go into an online date expecting more than a fun date and a potential new friend!

[regine_phalange]

Why would you worry about first impressions? He didn't worry about himself being intoxicated and pushy Probably because he didn't care about the impression he made. He doesn't sound that much like a catch, and he isn't that interested. Better for you in the long run.

[PinkCarnations]

Gotta agree with Leigh here. Her dissection of the situation was spot on! Don't feel bad, OP. I've made the same mistakes and have learned to change my dating behavior since. If a guy doesn't reply to me, I don't keep messaging. When they eventually reply, I take twice as long to reply as they took with me. Usually they start replying more quickly once they see this. Never ever ask "are u interested in me? If not, it's ok, I understand." That just screams insecurity and "hey I'm used to being rejected." If they don't keep texting, just assume they're not interested or dead and move on.

 

Anyways I always choose mediocre (but still somewhat attractive) pictures of me to post on OkC and I don't write too much about all the cool things about me in my profile. I post just enough to get a guy to message me, but leave the good stuff for real life. Guys are usually more impressed when they meet me in person for this reason. But usually I'm not as impressed by them... So yeah. Online dating is hard, man... Good thing I have a boyfriend (whom I did Not meet online).

 

I forgot to add this exact situation has happened to me. We also met up at a bar while being out with friends, got really touchy, and he asked me to go home with him. When I said no, he pulled the fade on me. I think he was only interested in me before he met me. Once he realized I wasn't the perfect girl but was still attractive enough to sleep with, he was only interested in a one night stand. When that didn't happen, he stopped talking to me.

Edited March 25, 2015 by PinkCarnations

[elaine567]

You mean, say it's the same man and woman ,if they met in a cafe he would fall for her, if they met online he wouldn't ?

 

No, if they met by chance in a cafe, he might just order a coffee, not even talk to her and leave, because the attraction just wasn't there.

IRL everything is laid bare, she may look fine but he may not like the way she talks, the way she dresses, she may be too fat, too thin, she may remind him of his mum or acts like a hated ex. She may talk drivel or talk well above his level of comprehension, she may have a non-compatible sense of humour or have an annoying laugh.

He may not then see her as dating material or he may be enamoured and she is obviously not.

 

In online dating, weeks of texting and great photos may give him and her too, the completely wrong impression of who they truly are.

Sometimes it is easy to build up a fantasy story about the other one too.

He is a charming prince and she is a sweet princess.

Those fantasies may be ruined totally in minutes as soon as they meet IRL.

I am sure the OP here did not imagine, after all those conversations, that when they did meet, he would be drunk, he would want her to feel him up in public, he would want to use her for sex and when she didn't comply, he would dump her.

[Leigh 87]

 

I forgot to add this exact situation has happened to me. We also met up at a bar while being out with friends, got really touchy, and he asked me to go home with him. When I said no, he pulled the fade on me. I think he was only interested in me before he met me. Once he realized I wasn't the perfect girl but was still attractive enough to sleep with, he was only interested in a one night stand. When that didn't happen, he stopped talking to me.

 

 

And the same has happened to me. I the guys thought I was attractive - so better than average. A couple even thought I was gorgeous looking - but they didn't think I was quite good enough to date.

 

It happens. The guy spend every night talking to you but he wasn't a kind enough person to let you down gently - he thought " well, she isn't dating material so I will see if she wants sex". A nice man would have politely told you " look, I enjoyed our talks but I just wasn't feeling enough chemistry in person, although you are a pretty girl. I hope you find that you're looking for"

 

So not only was he not into you, he was also a nasty enough person to not be upfront - you talked every day for two weeks - surely he knew you would probably like to a simple "thanks but no thanks".

 

But next time OP, DO NOT go home with the guy...Most men, sadly, will think you are down for sex. Even if you say otherwise they will try to get you to change your mind. When you say no they think " well, now I am just peeved, I am not getting sex so what do you expect me to do now? Cuddle and talk?"

 

He didn't want to cuddle in bed and talk. He wanted sex. You didn't give him what he wanted so he was probably annoyed that he had a stranger in his bed. Some guys don't really like you that much and they don't want small talk or cuddles with girls they aren't that into.

 

This guy sounded irritated - Don't get me wrong, I have had casual encounters, ahem, with men who actually enjoyed me company enough and enjoyed cuddling me. They were happy with making out and a bit of fooling around and they seemed to enjoy chatting to me before and after, with spooning after.

 

The " no. thank you" meant " not interested. No thanks. Please leave me alone unless you want sex"

 

The worst thing you can do after a guy tells you to leave him alone - is to call him. He didn't respond to your text... and you called.. just

 

I hope the OP learns. I learnt too. From strangers on the internet!

[stars989]

I'm asking for input because I genuinely didn't understand what I had done wrong here and was honestly just completely confused by the situation

 

 

I've read all of the replies and it has helped me kinda feel better but also worse...There is definitely so much I regret. I honestly had thought that we had at least built up a friendly banter over the two weeks that we were talking non-stop. I didn't think he would just disappear like that because he kept on saying that it was my personality that was so cool. I didn't think he would be so mean to just cut me off like that with no explanation/words.

 

 

The whole FWB thing, I don't know if that was the case because he never mentioned/brought up anything sexual the two weeks we were talking. That was really what made him stand out to me.

 

 

During our night out at the bar, his actions showed that he was very much into me, which was why I felt comfortable going home with him. He kept on telling me he thought I was gorgeous/beautiful, at one point I was about to leave the bars and he begged me to stay, he kept on saying how I had his full attention...that it definitely was not a case of beer goggles. He kept comparing me to other girls he had been "set up" with, and how I was making them jealous because I was with him that night. Even the next morning when he was sober, he wanted me to stay with him longer, and when he walked me to my car he was all over me, kissing me and hugging me etc.

 

 

I texted him, "Thanks for such a good time" , he replied, "no. thank you" (not sure if that was clear). and then he barely replied to anything else. I tried not to overreact but it was so incredibly clear that he was acting differently, and you guys saw that too. No one was saying I drove him away by being clingy, or that I should've given him more time. He was always very responsive to texts, and would text me every night for hours. I don't think that I overreacted because my contact with him was very normal after our meeting...it was him that completely changed things up.

 

 

It just seems so incredibly cruel to pretend to be attracted to me/say all of those things/ act that way if he was just going to ditch me the next day. But at this point, that is what happened. He lied about everything that night, and I'll never understand why, it makes no sense to me at all.

Edited March 26, 2015 by stars989