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Dating a girl with comitment issues


Kinetica84

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I'll try and keep this short but it could turn into a long post.

 

4 years ago i dated this girl. We're were crazy for each other. However she has baggage and when i say baggage we need baggage handlers to handle it all.

 

Every guy she has ever been with has mistreated her, cheated or abused her in some way. So naturally she has issues with guys.

 

Anyway so 4 years ago everything was going great, she freaked out, dumped me because she was getting to close to me. She moved to Hong Kong for work and i cut all contact.

 

Back in October 2014, i'd just split with a cheating ex girlfriend of 3 years. The same week, the girl from 4 years ago came back into the country and she contacted me on facebook. It was fate it would seem!

 

We met up, oh man i forgot how beautiful she is and all my feelings for her come back almost instantly.

 

Anyway, few weeks later we've ended up sleeping together and seeing each other regularly. We had both grown up in 4 years but she is still carrying a lot of her issues.

 

We started getting close again, so i tell her i'm not dating anyone else and what are the chances of us going further. She freaked out.

 

Didnt see each other for 6 weeks with minimal contact

 

Last Sunday she came to my place, we were a bit distant from each other because it was a little awkward. We went for a lovely walk. We got back to my place, i cook dinner, next thing i know we were cuddling on the sofa.

 

She brought up the subject of us.

 

She said she has very strong feelings for me but, just like 4 years ago she is scared to pursue them. She has also just started her own business so she is scared she can't give us the time we deserve (although she is very busy i suspect this is a convenient excuse for her, i could be wrong) also by her own admission she makes herself very socially busy, so getting time with her is very difficult. She said she is terrified of losing me. I have a reputation for just cutting ex's out and never seeing them again. She is scared that if we split up again i will cut her out. I assured her that won't happen again as i am better able to deal with my feelings regarding her and i can't imagine losing her again. If we it's just friends then it is just friends, i'm okay with that.

 

I told her " i never stopped having feelings for you, you're the only ex gf i have ever let back in. I am also scared but i know how much i like you.

 

She asked me what i see in her. I told her i just think she is amazing and beautiful inside and out. I think where other guys have just used her for sex (she is incredibly beautiful) or cheated on her she finds it hard to believe it when i tell i just accept her for who her and still want to be with her.

 

When she looks at me, she don't just look at me, she looks me into, into my heart to see what is there. She has that look in her eye where she is totally lost in me, glassed over eyes and she is investigating every part of me with her eyes.

 

After the chat, we had the most passionate sex i have ever had. It just happened, Sexually we are so compatible it is unreal.

 

I am so falling for this girl and i want to move things forward but everytime i show a little more affection she recoils. When i back off she shows me more affection.

 

I know i need to patient with someone like this, but we been "seeing" each other for 5 months and we havent progressed to the next stage.

 

So do i pursue the girl i've always wanted or cut my losses and say she will always fear her feelings for me?

 

I find it very hard when she recoils, it actually hurts me but i know this just her autopilot kicking in because of her past. She knows i'm like no other guy she has ever dated and i do believe she may even love me.

 

Advice please.

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fitnessfan365

In the end, you can't help who you have feelings for. But honestly, deep down you have to know that it's not showing very good sense to associate with a woman this emotionally screwed up.

 

So you have to ask yourself if you can live with this sort of behavior. I mean let's be real here. She is who she is, and isn't going to change.

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Thats because you and a Needy person OP.

 

Its like you come from a place of Scarcity rather than a place of abundance.

youre all over her, like you've never seem a girl before in your life.

Settle down, and get the neediness out of your character.

 

Or she'll just leave

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Thats because you and a Needy person OP.

 

Its like you come from a place of Scarcity rather than a place of abundance.

youre all over her, like you've never seem a girl before in your life.

Settle down, and get the neediness out of your character.

 

Or she'll just leave

 

That's a rather bold statement and seems to be your response in a lot other threads.

 

Needy? Okay, i can go days and weeks without seeing her and not say anything. She tells me she is seeing friends and not me i wish her a good time.

 

I live on my own, have a mortgage, have a regular day job as well being a nutrition coach on the side.

 

I really don't have the time to be needy buddy.

 

I spent most of my adult life single out of choice and because i am perfectly fine in my own my company. It is friday night and i sitting in by myself perfectly happy having my own space. Hardly needy.

 

May i make an equally bold observation based on no evidence just like you have done? It is it in the realms of possibility that ex partners have told you that you are too needy and now your only response is to project that onto others?

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Slow way down. You’re less than 6 months out of a 3-yr relationship where you were living together and trying for a baby. You didn’t take any time to recover and re-center after that relationship and are deep in another one already. Less than 2 months ago you were still in turmoil about your ex. Slow down, wait over a year or two to “go to the next stage.”

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Slow way down. You’re less than 6 months out of a 3-yr relationship where you were living together and trying for a baby. You didn’t take any time to recover and re-center after that relationship and are deep in another one already. Less than 2 months ago you were still in turmoil about your ex. Slow down, wait over a year or two to “go to the next stage.”

 

 

I see someone read my break up thread lol.

 

I don't disagree with you, and would be giving the same advice.

 

That said, i have dealt with the previous relationship.

 

I'm not trying to get too deep too quick, this is the girl who got away, the history is there and i never stopped having feelings for her.

 

How often do two people get a second chance with each other? It's very rare. Life is too short to ignore an opportunity that exists right now.

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you do not mind being freinds?

 

if a man has an ex for a friend, close like you describe, i would insist he screws her, and i would look for a man who put me first, and i would not give you the time of day

Edited by darkmoon
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if a man has an ex for a friend, close like you describe, i would insist he screws her, and i would look for a man who put me first, and i would not give you the time of day

 

 

I think you got the wrong end of the stick here.

 

I do put her first, the problem is her commitment issues.

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I think you got the wrong end of the stick here.

 

I do put her first, the problem is her commitment issues.

 

somewhere in your post you say you do not mind being freinds, in the long paragraph just below the ... she brought up the subject of us... it is the last sentence of the long paragraph

Edited by darkmoon
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somewhere in your post you say you do not mind being freinds, in the long paragraph just below the ... she brought up the subject of us... it is the last sentence of the long paragraph

 

 

What i meant by that.

 

If we just end up as friends and it doesn't go any further, then so be it. No hard feelings.

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What i meant by that.

 

If we just end up as friends and it doesn't go any further, then so be it. No hard feelings.

 

she is used to your attention and indulgence, mmm...not wishing to be harsh, but i suspect dramas would ensue, inappropriate phone calls, needy convos, sobbings...

 

in short, i smell a clinging vine who knows you are alawys nice to her... her go-to buddy

 

if you split, leave a gap, a few months to cool down...if she only has you in her life as i think is likely, and has no social life, she needs to stop playing the victim, nobody like a whinger... she needs a counseller or therapist then

Edited by darkmoon
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she is used to your attention and indulgence, mmm...not wishing to be harsh, but i suspect dramas would ensue, inappropriate phone calls, needy convos, sobbings...

 

in short, i smell a clinging vine who knows you are alawys nice to her... her go-to buddy

 

if you split, leave a gap, a few months to cool down...if she only has you in her life as i think is likely, and has no social life, she needs to stop playing the victim, nobody like a whinger

 

You've not quite go it right there buddy.

 

Her social life is crazy, in fact, it's difficult to get any time with her.

 

She isn't clingy, in a way i wish she was.

 

She is very detached due to her past. She has many friends but not close friends if you know what i mean? She keeps everyone at arms length.

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Is she refusing to be exclusive with you? If she is, and you two are having sex- then, yes, I can see a commitment issue. That would mean that she's wanting a casual, open relationship while you want an exclusive committed one.

 

Now, if you're saying that she isn't willing to commit because she doesn't want to get engaged, to live together, commingle assets, exchange keys or PINs, or get married, it is WAY too soon and she would be wise to be puling back in order to slow it down.

 

That doesn't mean someone has an "issue," especially at only 6 months and when you were still mentally into your ex only 2 months ago. Women have been complaining that men "won't commit" for centuries! LOL! But you see what I mean? Also, take into consideration that she just moved back from overseas and is starting a business.

 

Get clear and get perspective before pointing fingers and blaming. Take. More. Time. :) Wait at least a year before even thinking of those things and see how you two do together.

Edited by BlueIris
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See OP, you misinterpreted the the type of neediness you have.

 

What you are needy for, is validation.

youre hoping thhat she validates you, so you need those confirmations from her.

 

Youre not coming from a place of abundance.

 

I also agree with darkmoon's accessment

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It's a very sad thing for me to have to say, but some people have too much emotional baggage to be good relationship material.

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DoesntGetIt

Just wanted to say, it is kind of nice to see I'm not the only one going through that type of situation.

 

 

I hope you get it figured out, one way or another, as I fully understand how frustrating the back and forth in that gray area can be.

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Back in October 2014, i'd just split with a cheating ex girlfriend of 3 years. The same week, the girl from 4 years ago came back into the country and she contacted me on facebook. It was fate it would seem!

 

We met up, oh man i forgot how beautiful she is and all my feelings for her come back almost instantly.

 

Anyway, few weeks later we've ended up sleeping together and seeing each other regularly. We had both grown up in 4 years but she is still carrying a lot of her issues.

 

We started getting close again, so i tell her i'm not dating anyone else and what are the chances of us going further. She freaked out.

So, just out of curiosity, how long between sleeping together for first time and you tell her you want more? When did that happen?

 

I find it very hard when she recoils, it actually hurts me but i know this just her autopilot kicking in because of her past. She knows i'm like no other guy she has ever dated and i do believe she may even love me.

 

Advice please.

OK, I don't have a clear picture on the speed, but five months does not seem unreasonable from where I'm sitting.

 

This, however, does:

 

Every guy she has ever been with has mistreated her, cheated or abused her in some way. So naturally she has issues with guys.

While I'm sympathetic, that is her problem and not yours. She makes it yours with her "recoiling". You've got to have a sit down with her, and get that in the open and dealt with. It will never work unless she can let go of that ****, and if you want the next level with her, then you cannot ignore this. It is a poison waiting to be released into your relationship, and judging from what you've written, you will not react well when she decides to give you a dose of it.
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So, just out of curiosity, how long between sleeping together for first time and you tell her you want more? When did that happen?

 

OK, I don't have a clear picture on the speed, but five months does not seem unreasonable from where I'm sitting.

 

This, however, does:

 

While I'm sympathetic, that is her problem and not yours. She makes it yours with her "recoiling". You've got to have a sit down with her, and get that in the open and dealt with. It will never work unless she can let go of that ****, and if you want the next level with her, then you cannot ignore this. It is a poison waiting to be released into your relationship, and judging from what you've written, you will not react well when she decides to give you a dose of it.

 

The most sensible post I've read in this thread. Thank you for actually reading the whole post.

 

So, we have been meeting up casually for 5 months and been having sex. It's more than a booty call but less than boyfriend/girlfriend situation. We go out to restaurants, go for walks, watch films, she even wanted to me away for my birthday in Feb. she was showing signs of she wanted to go further.

 

So when I told her I'm not seeing anyone else and asked her does she see me and her developing she completely freaked out. Bare in mind I only asked the questioned, I didn make any demands. She said I was labelling everything and pressuring her.

 

After that little debate we didn't see each other for 6weeks. She done her usual, recoiled, made herself stupidly busy (by her own admission) I backed off and thought that was the end with no hard feelings.

 

Then last Sunday, as described above.

 

As for talking to her about it. It can be quite difficult. By nature she is a nomad. She travels a lot and she can just get up and go live in another country. I am very homely and settled with my life. She keeps everything in her life at arms life but she longs for stability which I can give her some of that. I long for a bit more travel which she can give me some of that. We can both compliment each other's lives without dominanting it which I think is awesome. We have never crowded each other or tried to be me me me with each other.

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My advice to you is to disregard the relationship you had with her the first time around. 4 years does a lot to people.

 

Take all the feelings for her, from the past, out of the equation, and see her for the person she is today. Don't try and make this relationship "live up" to the expectation of the good times of what you had in the past. It can skew your judgement.

 

If you determine that you are happy with yourself, with the way this relationship was developed since she came back into the picture, and convinced that the person she is today is someone you truly want, and is worth moving forward with, then go ahead. But judge this as a new relationship entirely. If this girl was someone else, someone new, and things proceeded this way, would you take the same risks? Would you have the same patience?

 

I haven't read all your posts. I've only read this thread. But you state some real fundamental differences in lifestyles that won't disappear just because you love each other. Take that into account as well.

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That's a rather bold statement and seems to be your response in a lot other threads.

 

Needy? Okay, i can go days and weeks without seeing her and not say anything. She tells me she is seeing friends and not me i wish her a good time.

 

I live on my own, have a mortgage, have a regular day job as well being a nutrition coach on the side.

 

I really don't have the time to be needy buddy.

 

I spent most of my adult life single out of choice and because i am perfectly fine in my own my company. It is friday night and i sitting in by myself perfectly happy having my own space. Hardly needy.

 

May i make an equally bold observation based on no evidence just like you have done? It is it in the realms of possibility that ex partners have told you that you are too needy and now your only response is to project that onto others?

 

Bingo!!!!

 

OP, I think you should continue doing EXACTLY what you are doing now.

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I don't know.

 

I'm inclined to just step back and let things play out.

 

I guess everyone has the someone they have a soft spot for.

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sounds very similar to my position. You know by backing off they will most likely come running again but why should we play games like that when its not in our nature.

 

The advice would be walk away, but as I know just as well as you this is almost impossible when you have fallen for someone.

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sounds very similar to my position. You know by backing off they will most likely come running again but why should we play games like that when its not in our nature.

 

The advice would be walk away, but as I know just as well as you this is almost impossible when you have fallen for someone.

 

Very true.

 

When I back off she seems to want me more, one message from her and my whole day just got better.

 

I'm normally very much in control of my emotions but with her I just want to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

I've not contacted her all weekend and it felt good not to contact her. We'll see if she now takes it any further.

 

Truth be told I am close to walking away with dignity.

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Very true.

 

When I back off she seems to want me more, one message from her and my whole day just got better.

 

I'm normally very much in control of my emotions but with her I just want to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

I've not contacted her all weekend and it felt good not to contact her. We'll see if she now takes it any further.

 

Truth be told I am close to walking away with dignity.

 

If you figure out how to walk away please let me know :)

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