Rollercoaster of confusion

[DoesntGetIt]

I tried to keep this short, but I couldn't even come close. There is just too many different pieces of information that seem relevant. I apologize for the length. I'm 33, she's 26.

 

 

At work I moved to a new team. That brought with it new people, friends, and involvement with other teams. One of those people was a woman who is friends with the other friends I've made in the last few months. She seemed a bit interested in me so I started to talk to her a bit and one day I messaged her directly through our in work messaging program. That led to weeks of us chatting through out the day every day.

 

 

A couple weeks in I finally said we should hang out outside of work, and she agreed to get some drinks so we made plans. That night went great, we talked, laughed, and went back to her place and had great sex, after which we laid and talked for about an hour before I left.

 

 

From there we started to make plans about once a week, while continuing to chat in work most days. If I didn't go to work one day, she'd text playfully calling me a slacker as a way of seeing what was up. And after the 3rd time of hanging out, she gave me trouble about not staying the night at her place, so we began to do that each time.

 

 

Since our first time out went straight to sex, then just hanging at her place for sex ( we did go to a concert with friends in the middle of all this), I brought up the topic of asking what she was looking for. She said she wasn't in a place for something serious (and I had gone through a divorce a bit ago as well), and that she didn't want a label, and talked about how if we were having fun and enjoying ourselves, why did we have to make it something. Interestingly, a little bit after the conversation she contacted me to say that she felt what she was saying didn't come out right, and that she liked me, and all of that. We agreed to keep it casual with the options to date/do things with others.

 

 

Around this time things would be weird occasionally. Whenever we were together she was very cuddle, loving, laughing, talking, everything great. When we were out with friends, she would still laugh, talk a lot, and do her version of flirting (which I tell people is like middle school flirting, she likes to hit, kick you in the butt, hip check you, talk crap, take your stuff, etc. but honestly I like it all) a little bit, but not too much as we were keeping it secret. Often times when we were apart, she'd act more disinterested, we started to chat less when we weren't together, and sometimes it would be tough to make plans.

 

 

If I made plans while we were together, she was always excited and we'd pick the next date, but if we didn't setup plans together and then during the week I'd try to set something up, she'd always hem and haw and it could be tough to get anything planned. An early on example is a group of us decided to go do laser tag, including her. I messaged her during the week to see if she was up for me going back to her place after. She replied "It will be pretty late" which didn't make sense because sometimes I wouldn't get to her place until late anyways. Later in the week I asked about hanging out the day after and she said she wanted that day to decompress (to be fair here, as I got to know her more, she is an introvert who does need time to herself after a couple days of socializing, and I'm fine with that).

 

 

I said alright to all that and decided I'd just wait and make plans for the following week later. The night of laser tag, her and I had a lot of fun, all of us went to a Dave and Busters after and she was smiling at me more than I'd ever seen before. I drove us all back to her place and when we got there she said "Are you ok to drive home?" which made no sense as I had driven us to there (I had been drinking but was perfectly fine). It was then that I realized she was actually asking if I wanted to come up, so I said "no I guess not". It also dawned on me at this moment that she never asks things she really wants. On the first date when she wanted me to kiss her she was giving me crap and then said "Put me in my place. Come on put me in my place." It is just how she does things (I think despite her very tough girl, I don't give a **** exterior she puts on a lot, she actually is sensitive and afraid of getting hurt, rejected, etc.)

 

 

So I stayed that night, the night she original said no to, and hung out for a while the day after (Sunday). We got lunch and went back to her place, and I said "Well I should get going so you can have your down time you wanted." She immediately told me that no, it was fine and to stay if I wanted. Around dinner time, I offered up again to take off and again she said it was cool. So I ended up staying at her place that night as well. And again this was the weekend she shot down both attempts at making plans to stay there.

 

 

That same weekend, I heard her moving around Sunday morning in bed and I looked over my shoulder to let her know I was awake. She immediately came over and spooned me. This was a big thing to me because, as I said, she has a very tough girl exterior and this was very loving. I put my arm over hers, held her hand and we laid like that for about an hour before getting up.

 

 

Another thing that started happening around this time is I found if I kissed her too short of an amount of time, she'd make a frustrated noise, grab me, and kiss me again longer.

 

 

So there was lots of affection coming from her.

 

 

Things kept progressing, I told her I hated her pillows, she told me to bring mine next time. I did and left it there to keep using. She doesn't typically eat breakfast so she asked what I liked since I was going to be there a lot and she got me some cereal I like.

 

 

I started staying there twice a week typically, once on the weekend, once during the week. Since we sometimes work at different times, a day during the week came where she had to go in before me. She told me to keep sleeping and she gave me keys to her place to lock up. Later that day she asked for them back which was fine. But then the next time it happened she had me keep them.

 

 

Still during all of this, during the week when we weren't together it could be tough to get her to make plans. There was this switch when we weren't together where she would sometimes act like there was almost nothing there. It constantly kept me confused, but I tried to get to understand how she operated and learn to work with it. We also started texting a bit more during all of this time.

 

 

A month and a half in, Christmas break came up. Work gives us a week and a half off, I took a couple extra days to make it 2 full weeks. She made a lot of plans to hang out with old friends and we found a few times in there to hang out.

 

 

The first was a hockey game, where she talked about how she wanted to go on a trip to Ireland with me. She also got us talking about her parents boat and how we should go out on it in the upcoming summer. She talked a lot about future plans like that. That night she also drove a long way home in order to take me by her parents house which is where she grew up.

 

 

A week later I had a holiday party for people from work. We had talked about having her come early (she'd surprisingly never seen my place) and that she'd stay the night because she brought up a couple weeks earlier how she should probably make it fair and stay at my place sometime.

 

 

Leading up to that day I couldn't get her to return texts any sooner than 4-5 hours when she typically always responded within 15 minutes. The day of the party she showed up late instead of early without letting me know any plans changed. Someone at the party came with a friend who wanted to leave early and she immediately offered to drive him home so he could stay, which of course meant she wasn't staying the night. I tried to get her alone for a minute to ask about why plans changed by asking if she wanted to see the place (since people still didn't know about us) and she just said no.

 

 

Late in the night I got her alone in the kitchen for a minute and asked her about her driving that guy home. She said she felt bad for him and wanted him to stay. I asked well what about you staying here. She kissed me very quickly and said we'd spend the night together Monday (this was Friday), and went back in the other room.

 

 

Clearly something was up, but at the same time I had complained to her about a week and a half earlier that it was stupid she never sat next to me at places when friends were around. So she started making an effort to, and the whole party night anytime we were all sitting down, she made sure to sit right next to me.

 

 

After dropping the guy off she texted me that it was a mistake and it sucked to go drive him. I told her "Well next time just stay here" and she replied "Definitely".

 

 

That Sunday I texted her around noon asking who's place we were doing for Monday night. I never heard back. Monday in the middle of the day (she had to work I didn't), I messaged her and said "So about that question..." She replied back "Mine, I've got errands to run". No sorry about blowing off my text or anything. I was pissed. She had stopped ever apologizing for anything at this point, where as a month earlier she'd say sorry If she took to long to text back/message back at work.

 

 

I was all ready to ask her what had been going on lately so we could get it out and fix anything that was a problem. But when I got to her place she came right up to me smiling, kissed me deeply a few times, and we had a great night. I didn't want to ruin that by asking so I decided to hold off and see how things went. We made plans for Sunday to meet up next, but never set a time.

 

 

Again throughout the week I just couldn't get her to text, and since we weren't at work, I didn't have chances to just run into her or chat on the work messenger either. Now I was determined to talk to her on Sunday because I needed to know what was going on.

 

 

Saturday morning I text to find out what time I should head over there. Sometime around midnight she texts to say roughly "Sorry, I know this is short notice, and I may come off like an *******, but I'm just not feeling hanging out tomorrow right now. I may feel differently tomorrow and I can text you then, or if you don't want to do that we can just plan to not do it" Any other time I likely would have just said, fine don't worry about it, but with everything else and the need to talk I wrote back telling her "Ok, how about I just come over to talk around 1 because I need to talk about some things, and then I'll leave and you can have the rest of the day". I was surprised as she texted back ok 1 was fine.

 

 

I got over there on Sunday and asked her what had been going on, she pretended to not know what I was talking about. I asked about blowing off my texts, she talked about how she does that sometimes, and does it to everyone but doesn't mean to (yet had never before these two week with me). I told her she seemed like she was pulling away. She said sometimes she pulls away some from people, mentioned how she hadn't talked to a mutual friend of ours the whole two weeks, and that she doesn't know why she does it but she has pretty much done it for the past year and a half (around when she ended her last serious relationship. I think that relationship did a lot of damage to her honestly and she's been struggling with relationships ever since, and has also specifically hooked up with married guys and other destructive behavior). I finally asked if she wanted me to give her some space/to talk and text her less. She looked me in the eyes and directly said for me to not do that because if I did we would grow apart and she didn't want that.

 

 

She ended up telling me to stay the day since I was there, but the whole day was awkward, no cuddling, no real joking, no sex. Unfortunately I picked the worst time to make a teasing statement when she said no to sex which was "But it has been over 2 weeks". And then later, again terrible timing and a moronic move, when we were making plans to hang out next it fell on when her period was and I made a little comment about how that sucked (since it had been over 2 weeks already, and we weren't tonight, or now the next time). She acted fine to both statements though.

 

 

A couple days later after her not really talking at all for those couple days, I was verifying our plans for the weekend and she responded in text that she didn't know since she'd be "broken" (referring to her period). I wrote back kind of questioning if she really didn't want to do anything and she let me know she was really pissed about the things I had said (yet never acted pissed or told me until now). We talked and she cancelled plans saying she just didn't want to see me that weekend, but that we were still together and doing our thing. I accepted that. I should also say that more than once it seemed like she was a little concerned that I liked to have sex everytime we were together. I should have paid more attention to that because I now wonder if she had doubts that I was only with her for sex (which was definitely not the case). I ended up trying to explain that to her once, but she didn't want to listen at the time.

 

 

Several days later she initiated contact. It was in a sarcastic way about how it turned out she was fine this weekend as her period didn't come (rubbing it in since we didn't have plans) and then followed it up with "Since apparently you're pulling the not talking to me until I talk to you thing" I told her that wasn't the case (partially was though) and I was just giving her space since she was very upset. She told me that wasn't necessary.

 

 

 

 

On the cancelled plans weekend I texted her about how next weekend we should go do something (we had spend the last many times just hanging at her place, which I think we both enjoy, but I thought we should go do something which would also help prove it wasn't just about sex). I came up with some suggestions and said "There's even a hockey game on Saturday" her only text reply was "Can't do Saturday", nothing else. Not, but how about Sunday or anything. At this point I was mad at how she'd been acting for several weeks so I texted back "If you want to hang out next week, tell me a time, if not, whatever". She immediately texted back "Sunday?" so we agreed to that.

 

 

The following week was still strange. She even acted weird at work, wouldn't chat in the messenger or anything. As I headed to her place on Sunday, I figured there was a solid chance she'd end it. I had told her from the beginning that if it didn't work out, I truly wanted to stay friends with her. I got there, let myself in, and she didn't even turn around from what she was doing. So at that point I knew. We made unfeeling chit chat for a couple minutes where I found out some guy (who I think she had spent new year's with since I couldn't get plans on that day and she said she spent it with a "buddy" yet I know all her friends and she tells me which ones she's hanging with) was who she had plans with on Saturday, but he stopped talking to her out of nowhere, and stood her up. Sounded to me like another guy who was married or in a serious relationship who got cold feet about cheating. It clearly hurt her a bit by how she was talking, but she played it off. (I was simultaneously happy about the incident, and sad when I realized her place was the cleanest it had ever been and that wasn't for me).

 

 

I asked if she wanted to go get some food, she told me she was thinking about us seeing a movie (she always said she hated going to the movies, so it surprised me). We decided to go to a pub then the movie. When we went to leave I asked "So is it just over then?" she said "I'm not saying it isn't going to be something again, but right now I think it needs to be done. But we can explore it again in the future" We did head off to the pub (seriously, that is how the two of us handle things). On the way she kept looking at me and said "I thought you'd handle this differently" because I was perfectly fine. We talked about why she wanted to end it, she said because I latched on too much and that things were getting too serious. By the time we got to the pub she was already flirty with me again. By the time we went to the movie she was really flirty. When we got back to her place we went in to watch some shows. As we went inside I unhooked her keys from my keyring and handed them to her so she wouldn't need to ask. She said that "You don't have to be so dramatic" to which I told her I was trying to do right by her and she responded I didn't need to give the keys back, so I put them back on mine.

 

 

When it got late I got up to leave and then turned back and basically said "What do you say to one more chance" to which she said "Oh yeah, no that's fine" as if she had already thought of us as back together. We had sex and I spent the night. She kissed me goodbye in the morning (had to go in before me) as she typically did.

 

 

She had told me she originally had plans on that day for us to go to the Museum of Science, which was actually a big deal because I told her once how much I loved it and she was not one to ever make plans (I made the plans always) or show too much thought in that way. So we made plans to do that the next Sunday.

 

 

I was heading out of town for two weeks after that next Sunday so I made plans with friends, and invited her, to go out on Saturday. On Friday I texted her to ask if she wanted me to pick her up on Saturday so we could go back to her place and that way leave early for the MoS the next morning. She didn't get back to me for a while (something she did when she wasn't feeling the plans, but wasn't sure she wanted to say no). Finally that night I just texted "So no then?" and she said no she'd drive herself.

 

 

After the group thing Saturday night, when we were by our cars I asked about the Museum plans the next day to which she said "I really want to sleep alone tonight", I told her I was actually asking about the time to pick her up tomorrow. she sighed a bit, got out her phone to look it up and said "What time does it open, I've got **** to do tomorrow" so I said "Just forget it". She told me not to act like that, and I said it was fine. We made new plans for Wed.

 

 

I was pissed, so on Monday I cancelled the Wed plans with a text "Can't do Wed, I've got **** to do".

 

 

She got online that night and messaged me about what was up (which was surprising as she utterly hates to talk about relationship things). I told her how doing that to the Sunday plans was bull****, she said she understood, and that she just ended up doing stuff on Friday and then on Saturday so she was burned out. Then she brought up the casual relationship and how maybe we viewed it differently. We discussed it and her version was basically friends, but with possibilities of other things. I told her that was just friends. And she was adamant she didn't want it to be friends, as she wanted to be able to drift into the other stuff like sex and relationships, but right now I wanted too much of the relationship stuff and we had moved too quickly. She admitted to enjoying it all and having fun as well.

 

 

That was strange as all of the moving quicker was done by her, I just went with it. I finally said "Let's be clear so we're on the same page, we are going to be friends who are open to the possibilities and will act on them if we feel them" she agreed and we ended the conversation.

 

 

I was kind of fed up with how she'd been treating me lately so when I went on my trip and texted her that I had made it there and the travelling sucked and all I got back was a "hooray", I decided I wouldn't initiate contact any more.

 

 

To my surprise, she started initiating it every other day sometimes every few days. It wasn't much as I usually let the conversations end, but throughout my trip, and even for a couple weeks after I got back, she just kept initiating. Something she had stopped doing for the last month we were actually still together.

 

 

I finally initiated one conversation just to show I was still interested. Through out all of this time, she never asked for her keys back or brought up my stuff that is at her place.

 

 

Our mutual friend had invited me to go to a drum and bass show. On that day he let me know he had invited her as well, he had also not told her he invited me. We were both a bit pissed at him, but we decided to go out and have a good night. She was flirting big time with me from the start, and all through the night. I started touching her arm, back etc. to flirt back. When our friend finally moved into the crowd to start dancing, I leaned into her ear and said "I want you so badly", she turned and smiled so I took her face in my hand and kissed her a couple of times. I leaned back in and said "So is this a bad thing?" she smiled and shook her head no.

 

 

We danced together a bit, but later she pulled away just a little so I backed off and let her dance alone. On the way back, she seemed odd, but we still talked a bit. I wasn't sure if it was her deciding she didn't like where this was headed, or if she was just tired/not feeling good since we did have a bunch to drink. In the car on the way back, she slept in the backseat. When my friend dropped us off at our cars, I tried to talk to her about it. She said she was too tired to talk about it now, I asked if we were just going to pretend it didn't happen to which she made a confused face and said "no". So I asked when were we going to talk about it, since we had no plans to hang out again. She said "tomorrow", so I said goodnight.

 

 

Tomorrow is today (or technically yesterday since it is after midnight). I thought about talking to her about it through work messenger, but then thought maybe she wouldn't like that (although she does much better at talking through that then texts and half of our relationship conversations have happened at work). She worked late so I waited and around 10:30 when I knew she'd be home I texted "So any thoughts about last night?". She never returned the text.

 

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. At first she was clearly into us, but she got spooked by the seriousness of it along with the fact she was into someone/s else as well. Yet she never tries to break ties by taking her keys back/giving me my stuff. And anytime I start acting disinterested or fed up (whether it is not initiating contact, cancelling plans, or getting mad in a text) she immediately makes contact, talks, gets closer. Then, like now, when I start getting closer, it is like she immediately pulls back a bit.

 

 

I don't know if I should ignore the fact she ignored the text and go back to not initiating/acting disinterested and then try again later. Or if this time I should just tell her that I think we need to give this a true shot and see how it goes. Truly I wish I just didn't care, because at this point I'd walk away. But sadly, I can't remember a time I've ever been into someone as much as I am with her.

 

 

My friend told me she confided in him in the last year that she was having trouble keeping a boyfriend. And she told me, while things were going well, that she was going to "ruin this and break me at some point", so she is at least aware she has relationship issues right now.

 

 

Another wrinkle is a different mutual friend confided in me that he liked her and was trying to get with her. I respected her wanting to keep it a secret (was due to her trying to get a job on my team at work so she didn't want people thinking she got favoritism from sex) and didn't fill him in on our relationship. I don't know how she feels about him, but they do hang out probably at least once every couple weeks, and I'm pretty sure he is taking her to a hockey game this Sunday. But again, I don't know if she even views him like that as they've been friends longer than I've known ether of them and they've never hooked up. (Not that it seems to matter because he isn't thinking clearly but 1) she isn't what he goes for in looks and 2) he wants to settle down, get married, have kids where as she wants independence, hates marriage, doesn't want kids. Anything they did end up having would end miserably).

 

 

 

 

I really want this to end up working out. A friend asked "Is it really worth it to go through all this?" and amazingly, yes. I'm fine to go through all this crap, work, figuring it out, ups and downs, if it leads to us together in the end, because I truly care for this woman. I am simply clueless on how to play this. I will likely see her briefly at an expo tomorrow, where she's manning our company's booth and I will be going to walk around. I'm going to act natural (as if she didn't ignore my text) and thinking of asking her to get online after she gets done so we can talk. Not sure how she'll take that.

 

One last thing is I've come to learn, she has trouble making/keeping plans with everyone. She even made sure to point that out to me at the show, and said "See it isn't just you".

 

 

Any ideas on how I can get her to try this for real and stop this rollercoaster?

[fitnessfan365]

Seriously dude.. CLIFF NOTES version. When posting a situation, you have to discriminate and summarize only the most necessary details. There is no way in hell anyone will read through that novella.

 

All you had to say was :

 

I got close with a woman at work and it lead to us having sex. I made the mistake of bringing up what she was looking for, and it made her unsure of things. So now she has one foot in and one foot out leaving me confused on a regular basis. How do I handle this situation?

[Poppygoodwill]

I think if you want to proceed with this woman you must be prepared for more of the same. She is not in the frame of mind to respectfully manage a relationship of any kind. Even if you were just casual friends with benefits, she shouldn't treat you with the sort of hot-and-cold behaviour she has. The fact that when you backed off, she stepped forward shows you that it's a choice she's making.

 

 

YOu'd be wrong to think that all you need to do is get back to the first stage, as you slowly progressed in a sort of natural way to being closer. It wasn't like it was all going fine and then suddenly went off the rails. No. Actually, that stage naturally led you to the next stage - which is seeing how she behaves in a relationship with developing intimacy.

 

For whatever reason, she doesn't want that intimacy. She doesn't want to be responsible to you, or for your feelings. She wants to come and go as she pleases, with no pressure to see you or meet your needs.

 

If you can live with that, in exchange for the fun you can have, and the sex, then go for it.

 

If you feel that you want more than that, and can't live with her one foot in, one foot out the door routine, then I think you should walk away now.

 

It won't change. That's who she is.

[wb1988]

I tried to keep this short

 

I don't think your post was long enough, could you make it longer?

[katiegrl]

Seriously dude.. CLIFF NOTES version. When posting a situation, you have to discriminate and summarize only the most necessary details. There is no way in hell anyone will read through that novella.

 

All you had to say was :

 

I got close with a woman at work and it lead to us having sex. I made the mistake of bringing up what she was looking for, and it made her unsure of things. So now she has one foot in and one foot out leaving me confused on a regular basis. How do I handle this situation?

 

^^ +1

 

tl;dr

 

Sorry.

[Auspecial]

I can see a little roller coaster action in what you describe, but didn't think any of that seemed "extreme." The most negative thing I see is her planning to have another man over (she had cleaned her house,) while ?you were not committed but not sleeping with others. I didn't re-read it, but I think that's what you said.

 

 

There has been a lot of push/pull but still, it seems that both people are over-all content with the situation, with a few ongoing occasions of having ruffled feathers, but no real grave errors. It looks this way to me, because the relationship continues and appears to build in other ways despite minor fallbacks.

[ExpatInItaly]

^^ +1

 

tl;dr

 

Sorry.

 

Same here. Unfortunately, OP, when your post is that long people stop reading. Can you try to summarize what the problem is?

[BlueIris]

At the beginning (November?) she said she “wasn’t in a place for something serious” and you were recently divorced. Each time you two talk about what kind of relationship you have/want, you agree to be casual and see other people.

 

If you want a serious exclusive relationship, be direct and tell her you want that. Then ask her if she wants that. She’s already said she doesn’t, but you could still ask-- and then move on if she doesn’t want what you want.

Edited March 6, 2015 by BlueIris
spelling

[DoesntGetIt]

Seriously dude.. CLIFF NOTES version. When posting a situation, you have to discriminate and summarize only the most necessary details. There is no way in hell anyone will read through that novella.

 

All you had to say was :

 

I got close with a woman at work and it lead to us having sex. I made the mistake of bringing up what she was looking for, and it made her unsure of things. So now she has one foot in and one foot out leaving me confused on a regular basis. How do I handle this situation?

 

 

 

Unfortunately no, because that doesn't correctly describe the situation at all. Talking about what the relationship was/should be actually made things better for a while and led to us spending a lot more time together. It was not a mistake at all.

 

 

I know people like short descriptions and situations, but that leads to bad advice.

 

 

I fully understand anyone who doesn't want to read a full actual account and therefore not respond.

[DoesntGetIt]

I can see a little roller coaster action in what you describe, but didn't think any of that seemed "extreme." The most negative thing I see is her planning to have another man over (she had cleaned her house,) while ?you were not committed but not sleeping with others. I didn't re-read it, but I think that's what you said.

 

 

There has been a lot of push/pull but still, it seems that both people are over-all content with the situation, with a few ongoing occasions of having ruffled feathers, but no real grave errors. It looks this way to me, because the relationship continues and appears to build in other ways despite minor fallbacks.

 

Yes, she was fully within her bounds to have another guy over as we had agreed either of us could do that.

 

 

It is more rollercoaster because we quickly built up to me staying there 2 nights of the week and now, outside of the show our friend dragged us to, we haven't hung out in over a month, let alone have me stay there. This also came from a conversation of her wanting to cool things down to a more friend like level for a bit while seeing if it would turn back into something more.

 

 

We also went from talking regularly, to much more infrequently. Only when I stopped leading those conversations did she start to initiate them to keep us in contact.

 

 

I want it to go back to something more, with me spending the night and us letting it build to something more serious. But that clearly spooked her the first time around from how quickly it happened. So I don't know the best way to approach making that happen.

[DoesntGetIt]

I think if you want to proceed with this woman you must be prepared for more of the same. She is not in the frame of mind to respectfully manage a relationship of any kind. Even if you were just casual friends with benefits, she shouldn't treat you with the sort of hot-and-cold behaviour she has. The fact that when you backed off, she stepped forward shows you that it's a choice she's making.

 

 

YOu'd be wrong to think that all you need to do is get back to the first stage, as you slowly progressed in a sort of natural way to being closer. It wasn't like it was all going fine and then suddenly went off the rails. No. Actually, that stage naturally led you to the next stage - which is seeing how she behaves in a relationship with developing intimacy.

 

For whatever reason, she doesn't want that intimacy. She doesn't want to be responsible to you, or for your feelings. She wants to come and go as she pleases, with no pressure to see you or meet your needs.

 

If you can live with that, in exchange for the fun you can have, and the sex, then go for it.

 

If you feel that you want more than that, and can't live with her one foot in, one foot out the door routine, then I think you should walk away now.

 

It won't change. That's who she is.

 

 

 

That feels unfortunately accurate. Thank You.

 

 

Her last serious relationship, of which I know a bit but never felt it was good to press for more, she lived with the guy and both of them and her family went on a cruise together. This means at some point she was capable of something serious and real, although she seems to have been hurt by it.

 

 

Do I have to assume she can't get back to a place like that even if she feels comfortable enough that she doesn't fear being hurt again?

 

 

It would just suck to walk away from this, she is amazing. I'm in no rush for a new wife or someone to live with, so if it was something that would just take time, I'd be willing to put it in.

[BlueIris]

So you want to interact and sleep together more to see if it might evolve into something serious, but you don’t want anything serious yet. You can clear up a lot of the confusion if you tell her that.

 

That’s pretty uncommon in my experience, so I think you’re only going to have to be very clear when you tell her. Most people I know view frequent and regular sleepovers, communications and time together as a serious relationship, especially after already having a relationship-lite for 4 months. I would never guess that someone I was dating wanted that. If he hadn't told me how he felt or that he wanted to be exclusive within a month or two, I would conclude that he wasn't interested and just wanted to keep it light. I think it's going to remain confusing until you make it clear and say what you want and how you feel about her.

[DoesntGetIt]

So you want to interact and sleep together more to see if it might evolve into something serious, but you don’t want anything serious yet. You can clear up a lot of the confusion if you tell her that.

 

That’s pretty uncommon in my experience, so I think you’re only going to have to be very clear when you tell her. Most people I know view frequent and regular sleepovers, communications and time together as a serious relationship, especially after already having a relationship-lite for 4 months. I would never guess that someone I was dating wanted that. If he hadn't told me how he felt or that he wanted to be exclusive within a month or two, I would conclude that he wasn't interested and just wanted to keep it light. I think it's going to remain confusing until you make it clear and say what you want and how you feel about her.

 

I would love to have something serious, but I am also completely ok with taking a long time to get there if need be.

 

 

She made it clear early, when I asked, that she didn't want something serious. But then oddly she took all the steps to make it more serious (asking me to spend the night, giving me keys to her place, had me keep stuff at her place, etc.) and then said it was getting too serious and I was too clingy (all of my friends who know of this said I wasn't at all).

 

 

This makes me believe telling her I'd like to try it as more serious, or more committed would just push her further away.

 

 

But still, I am considering talking to her flat out someday next week or the week after and if it causes her to shut down completely then I guess that is what it is.

[BlueIris]

That’s good.

 

My BF told me how much he cared about me and that he wanted to be exclusive, and that’s when our relationship really changed. It was very sweet and romantic. You won’t really know until you tell her. Some people pull back and some come in closer, depending upon where they are in life and how they feel about you. Good luck!

[mightycpa]

I would love to have something serious, but I am also completely ok with taking a long time to get there if need be.

 

 

She made it clear early, when I asked, that she didn't want something serious. But then oddly she took all the steps to make it more serious (asking me to spend the night, giving me keys to her place, had me keep stuff at her place, etc.) and then said it was getting too serious and I was too clingy (all of my friends who know of this said I wasn't at all).

 

 

This makes me believe telling her I'd like to try it as more serious, or more committed would just push her further away.

 

 

But still, I am considering talking to her flat out someday next week or the week after and if it causes her to shut down completely then I guess that is what it is.

 

I couldn't get through all the text either. Is it fair to say that you want to escalate, but she is not enthusiastic? She seems to like you well enough.

 

I'm thinking that this is the way casual relationships go... things heat up and they cool off, depending one what else is going on. The beauty of it is that if you don't worry about it, then longevity can remain as well.

 

If this is where she's at, you might think about dating another girl too. It will provide you with great deal of emotional perspective.

[DoesntGetIt]

I couldn't get through all the text either. Is it fair to say that you want to escalate, but she is not enthusiastic? She seems to like you well enough.

 

I'm thinking that this is the way casual relationships go... things heat up and they cool off, depending one what else is going on. The beauty of it is that if you don't worry about it, then longevity can remain as well.

 

If this is where she's at, you might think about dating another girl too. It will provide you with great deal of emotional perspective.

 

 

 

It isn't so much that I want to escalate, but have it go back to the level it was at before she freaked out. That was spending a couple nights a week at her place, plenty of talking in between those times. Currently it is at an odd lull where I'm not sure either of us knows what to do, but at the same time we're not cutting ties.

 

 

When I pull far back, she reaches out to keep us in touch and to try and get plans going. When I come back in and show some affection/interest again, she likes it at the time and then pulls back the next day or so. Yet originally we both showed affection, talked, hung out, laughed and had fun and she says that she had fun and enjoyed all that, but how serious it got bothered her.

 

 

She did say that in the past when things got too serious, she would cut all ties for a few months, or however long it took for that person to lose interest/feelings, and that in my case she was breaking those rules and continuing to hang out and talk with me. That whole bit struck me as odd.

 

 

I have been going on other dates recently. I started to after the second time she said she wanted to cool it way down. The unfortunate part of that is so far none of the dates have been interesting, which doesn't really help. I do have another date with not her on Thursday, so who knows, maybe this one will be more interesting.

[mightycpa]

Yeah, well, like I said, that's sort of the way the casual relationships go. You can't dwell too much on feelings, and instead, you just have to enjoy the time you spend together. If you push too far beyond that boundary, things suffer.

 

Sounds like your situation. Sometimes, it's that simple.

 

The other girls you date are good for you. Just keep rotating them in and out until you find someone else you like, that's good for you too.

 

Good luck.