when do you ask about what they're looking for?

[lehcar]

I've been dating someone since late January. We only go out on weekends so it's just been about 5 dates so far. We're having a great time together and are really well suited to each other in terms of interests, hobbies, personality-types, etc. However, I have no idea what he's looking for... Every time we go out we usually go to a nice restaurant, or a play or a musical performance. We've had sex twice and it was awesome.

 

I'm wondering when is the time to ask someone what it is they're interested in and how? I don't want to scare him off or freak him out or anything, but I would like to know if he's looking for something casual or something with potential? At this point, I don't want to be in an official relationship with him since we've only had a few dates, I just want to know if there's the possibility of that happening should we both want it in a month or two.

[Dybbuk]

There's no time line to any of this. When things happen differ from couple to couple. However since you two are having sex I think you should decide for yourself what it is you want out of this with this guy.

 

Do you want exclusivity? Do you want a relationship? Do you want just FWB? Once you decide what you want, then I would just be direct with him and say something along the lines of...

 

"Hey we've been dating for over a month now, and I personally want to have 'x' type of relationship with you. How do you feel about that?"

 

If he's in agreement, then congrats you're both on the same page and can move on from there. If he isn't... well you know where you stand and can figure out what he's after and then decide if you want to stick around or move on.

 

The point is we can't give you the timeline of when to ask these things, if it's on your mind... then you need to communicate that with him.

[lehcar]

Thanks Dybbuk for the advice. I don't want a relationship or to be exclusive right now, I don't feel like we know each other well enough to commit to something like that. I know that that has no specific timeline and is just for when you feel ready.

What I want to know if there's the possibility of that in the future. Like, if he's looking for a relationship and if we were to continue the way we are going if we would consider being in a relationship. But that seems like a weird question to ask and I don't know if people ask that, or if they just wait until they know they want to be in an official exclusive relationship with a person to have that conversation.

[Gary S]

"Where is this going?" - Women always ask or want to ask a guy that question when they are falling for him...it's completely natural

[Dybbuk]

It sounds like you're more interested in his intentions for the future, which is valid.

 

Regardless if you want a relationship in the future with this guy, you do need to learn how to communicate and be direct with the people you are seeing. Especially about their intentions. The last thing you want to happen is be 'ready' for a relationship with this guy, only to find out he just wanted a FWB arrangement.

 

You can do it very casually in conversation. I think I remember telling my BF on our first date that I really enjoyed talking to him (over OKC email) and I'm not in a rush but am looking for something serious for the future. No pressure of course, but wanted him to know that so in case he wasn't he could just let me know.

 

This way you're just identifying what you want, and basically saying if you can't give that to me or that's not what you want... tell me. Instead of "What do you want? What are you after? Sex? Relationship? Answer me now!" lol

[fitnessfan365]

The sex couldn't be too awesome if you've only wanted it to happen twice.

 

But there really isn't a set time table on it. If you want to be exclusive with him and feel like there could be long term potential, just ask him. Better to get it off your mind, then stew about it.

[katiegrl]

I'm confused, you say you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship right now, just casual. Fair enough.

 

But you want to know if HE does... not now, but down the road?

 

How do YOU even know that YOU will want that --with him -- down the road?

 

Why not just continue seeing each other, having fun, enjoying each other, getting to know each other, having awesome sex...and seeing where it leads??

 

If later, down the road, you change your mind and want exclusively, discuss it with him *then*.

 

I think it's best to figure out what you want first, before asking someone else what they want.

 

Who knows....HE may even beat you to the punch and ask YOU first.

 

I have NEVER asked any of the men I've been with where is this going, or what they want.

 

They either asked ME first OR we just fell into it gradually and naturally... and maybe a year into it, both acknowledged we were in a relationship.

 

But that's just me...I don't need labels and never had the need to "officially" define anything. But if I did, it would be after I knew what I wanted -- with him.

 

In your case, you really have no idea what you will want with this guy down the road. Right now, you are happy with casual, so let it be...say nothing.

 

Again, later down the road, IF you realize you want an exclusive relationship -- with HIM -- bring it up then.

[rocketman122]

well, if im looking at the person OLD profile and it doesnt clearly say what they want, I do it on the phone or the first date. I have no issue being forward and im tired of wasting time and money on dates with women who are so busy with kids and work and family and friends and activities and personal space that they have no time to put any effort for a real relationship. but when their clit needs a bit of attention and they have a small hole in their heavy schedule and want some guy to entertain them and screw them at the end of the night. been there done that and im tired so I ask right away.

 

either on the first call (if theres potential for a date by what I feel from them) or the first date. one woman wrote "nothing less than an explosive romantic loving relationship" and I was one fire. I walked away after 4 dates but thats not relevant.

[DoesntGetIt]

Thanks Dybbuk for the advice. I don't want a relationship or to be exclusive right now, I don't feel like we know each other well enough to commit to something like that. I know that that has no specific timeline and is just for when you feel ready.

What I want to know if there's the possibility of that in the future. Like, if he's looking for a relationship and if we were to continue the way we are going if we would consider being in a relationship. But that seems like a weird question to ask and I don't know if people ask that, or if they just wait until they know they want to be in an official exclusive relationship with a person to have that conversation.

 

If you don't have a need or desire for it to become exclusive right now, and are enjoying things, then there is no need for a talk.

 

 

The talk is for when you want to change the status, becomes exclusive and stop dating other people, and you want to let your partner know that. If you want things exactly how they are right now to continue, and are just curious about what may be down the road, nothing will come out of it.

 

 

Keep enjoying it and when you start thinking you're ready for more, that's when you're also ready to talk with him about it.

[Hopeful30]

I never ask. It kills the moment. Talking about it wont make it switch directions either. Its not like having "the talk" will make someone more or less exclusive to you.

 

I think thats a flaw in the dating mentality of most westerners. They need to know everything right off the bat, where everything is goinng, if they can marry this man etc. It takes all the pleasure out of dating or discovering for yourself whether you can be with this person long term or not. Its a decision you have to make for yourself, not ask so he can make it for you.

 

Just enjoy your time with him and if it grows then it grows, asking will only make you look needy in my personal opinion.

[mightycpa]

If you don't have a need or desire for it to become exclusive right now, and are enjoying things, then there is no need for a talk.

 

 

The talk is for when you want to change the status, becomes exclusive and stop dating other people, and you want to let your partner know that. If you want things exactly how they are right now to continue, and are just curious about what may be down the road, nothing will come out of it.

 

 

Keep enjoying it and when you start thinking you're ready for more, that's when you're also ready to talk with him about it.

That was my first reaction, exactly that. But then I got to thinking....

 

OP, if you don't want exclusivity now, then the only thing I can imagine is that while you're fine with the way things are right now, you can see yourself falling for him down the road, and when/if that happens, you want him to be enthusiastic about that rather than uninterested. In other words, you want to hedge your bet, or protect your future self from making the wrong choice.

 

This might help you. The following is not universally true, but it's usually true. Men usually fall for a girl very quickly. Women generally take longer to begin to form that emotional bond. In general, if he's not really interested right around now (5-6 dates), he probably never will be.

 

That said, this is not to say that he won't get into a LTR with you. It just means that his heart won't be in it, again, usually. Everybody's different. I can't tell if you would want a LTR simply for the sake of having one, or if you only do that with people you fall in love with. I guess it doesn't matter, now that I re-read your question.

 

Now is a perfect time to ask him where he is on all of this. I think there are three potential responses you can expect to hear, and an enthusiastic yes or no speaks for itself. The lukewarm response is probably a nice guy who doesn't want to disappoint you with a no.

 

Good luck!

[Vintage79]

That's tough - as if you ask about it, he'll assume you want exclusivity, even if that's not what you're intending by the question. As is, you don't see each other very often - just give it another month or two - or until you start seeing each other more often (i.e. 3 times/week).

 

My view - either get it from them on date 1, as they won't assume that you're wanting to be exclusive yet, or else give it a few months, or until a point where you're seeing each other multiple times/week - probably after seeing him about a dozen times - at that point you hopefully won't spook him.

 

If it's a really big deal to you, just ask, and deal with whatever the answer is, or what follows...

[smackie9]

Rule of thumb....if you have to ask, it's not going to be what you want it to be.

[Gaeta]

There is a huge difference between asking:

 

* what are you looking for

 

and

 

* what are we

 

 

Which one is it that you want to know?

 

I ask 'what are you looking for' before I meet them and probably on a 3rd or 4th message. I am looking for a serious long term relationship, something hopefully that would last for the rest of my life. If the guy wants to 'casually date' then I don't meet him.

[katiegrl]

There is a huge difference between asking:

 

* what are you looking for

 

and

 

* what are we

 

 

Which one is it that you want to know?

 

I ask 'what are you looking for' before I meet them and probably on a 3rd or 4th message. I am looking for a serious long term relationship, something hopefully that would last for the rest of my life. If the guy wants to 'casually date' then I don't meet him.

 

Fair enough but all relationships start out casual...until such time you realize the person you are casually dating is *special* and you want something more with "that person."

 

When that happens, that's when you discuss it.

 

JMO but asking that question right off the bat before even meeting, or on the first or second date, is putting the cart before the horse.

 

I think everyone, once they meet the right person, wants a relationship with that person. Even a guy who screams he ONLY wants casual will commit once he meets the right woman.

 

Unless he has some major fear of intimacy/commitment, and even in that case, will "say" he wants nothing more than a long term relationship, but will run away once it starts heading in that direction.

[rocketman122]

There is a huge difference between asking:

 

* what are you looking for

and

 

* what are we

 

 

Which one is it that you want to know?

 

I ask 'what are you looking for' before I meet them and probably on a 3rd or 4th message. I am looking for a serious long term relationship, something hopefully that would last for the rest of my life. If the guy wants to 'casually date' then I don't meet him.

 

exactly. I dont want to waste time. dont want to go on endless dates know the person just wants fun and just "flowing" with it. I know what I want. I want a LTR serious committed relationship. a person knows what he wants. if he wants a serious LTR hes looking for someone who wants the same.

 

@smackie9 bs. if you dont ask (thats if the person never made it clear in his profile) you make yourself look like an easy sucker and get taken for a ride. imagine youre the girl and im a women and you dont ask. we date and screw and then I get tired of screwing you and walk away. you then ask "wait, I thought you wanted a LTR thats committed" Id say "me? where did you get that idea? I never said anything about LTR" see what happened. you are right that many times ive asked an realized it isnt what im looking for and im glad I did ask and always. ask.

 

@Hopeful30 im guessing youre talking about "where is our relationship at now?" not "what are you looking for" because I want to know if there will be potential for a long relationship. you should get into a relationship you know that you want. there is nothing to hide here and best to be open. you can also see if the person is genuine and truly wants a serious LTR.

 

you should not assume people here are "western" its quite silly when the internet is international. you dont know where the person is from.

[d0nnivain]

the older I got the earlier I asked. But I never asked until I was willing to give.

 

If you don't want an exclusive relationship because you think it's too early, what's the point of broaching the subject?

[rocketman122]

Fair enough but all relationships start out casual...until such time you realize the person you are casually dating is *special* and you want something more with "that person."

 

When that happens, that's when you discuss it.

 

JMO but asking that question right off the bat before even meeting, or on the first or second date, is putting the cart before the horse.

 

I think everyone, once they meet the right person, wants a relationship with that person. Even a guy who screams he ONLY wants casual will commit once he meets the right woman.

 

Unless he has some major fear of intimacy/commitment, and even in that case, will "say" he wants nothing more than a long term relationship, but will run away once it starts heading in that direction.

 

 

nonsense. its a mindset. you know you want something serious. its like many of the women on OLD from 32+ who want marriage and children and you know if youre going to date them, thats what they want. dont go in casual into it thinking "eh lets see what happens" you know in your mind that youre looking for something serious and things are going that way. probably faster than two who are "casually dating" I could date those specific women then bail when things get heavy bvecause we were just dating "casually" just nonsense.

 

im not dating a casual dater with the mindset of "what will be will be" its the mindset that I will put effort in and try to make this special and long term and this is the person I would like to spend years with. its not the same at all. you have an image in your mind of how you want your ideal relationship to be. its to be committed, then move in, then marriage. children, meh..not for me.I date women who have their own and it works well for them also since I dont have my own baggage.

[MissBee]

I've been dating someone since late January. We only go out on weekends so it's just been about 5 dates so far. We're having a great time together and are really well suited to each other in terms of interests, hobbies, personality-types, etc. However, I have no idea what he's looking for... Every time we go out we usually go to a nice restaurant, or a play or a musical performance. We've had sex twice and it was awesome.

 

I'm wondering when is the time to ask someone what it is they're interested in and how? I don't want to scare him off or freak him out or anything, but I would like to know if he's looking for something casual or something with potential? At this point, I don't want to be in an official relationship with him since we've only had a few dates, I just want to know if there's the possibility of that happening should we both want it in a month or two.

 

At the beginning is when I find this out.

 

Not after months or after having sex or after getting emotionally attached, by then it's too late if you're not on the same page.

 

For me this comes up in some of the first conversations. I've learned my lesson about assuming or going with the flow and then finding out that what you want and what they want have NEVER been the same. I don't waste my time doing that and find out pretty early on. Since I'm looking for something serious I find out early on if the other person is also of that mindset, it doesn't mean we will automatically be serious, but it does mean if we like each other both our mindsets are such that we know we will be working towards a relationship. Someone looking to have fun, hang out, FWB, etc. will operate very differently and it's important to know which is which early on.

 

Also, let go of the scaring off idea. I'm not sure where people get this from, but people who want relationships want them and won't be scared because you asked, they will either be clear about it early on or if it is brought up will be happy it's on the table. If the person is "scared off" it's not because they are some wild deer you made afraid, it's because they don't want a relationship with you and therefore when it's on the table they try to avoid it or they have issues, both of which are things you are better off knowing anyway.

Edited March 6, 2015 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

Fair enough but all relationships start out casual...until such time you realize the person you are casually dating is *special* and you want something more with "that person."

 

When that happens, that's when you discuss it.

 

JMO but asking that question right off the bat before even meeting, or on the first or second date, is putting the cart before the horse.

 

I think everyone, once they meet the right person, wants a relationship with that person. Even a guy who screams he ONLY wants casual will commit once he meets the right woman.

 

Unless he has some major fear of intimacy/commitment, and even in that case, will "say" he wants nothing more than a long term relationship, but will run away once it starts heading in that direction.

 

Of course it all starts with casual but when you put yourself out there on the dating market you have a goal. Is that goal to find someone long term, casual, or dating with nothing serious.

 

As someone in the category long term I don't waste my time with men in the other 2 category.

 

Saying to these men I am looking for a long term relationship is not the same as I am looking for a long term relationship with you.

 

I would discourage someone in category Long term to spend time with someone in category casual just cause their goal may change. There is a reason why people don't put themselves in long term, it's cause they are not ready to consider long term.

[lehcar]

Hi

 

Thank you all for your comments!

 

I want a long term relationship, but I don't know if I want it with him yet because we don't know each other very well yet and haven't been going out very long. But I could see myself wanting it with him because of how great we get on, etc. so I'd like to know now if he isn't looking for anything more than casual so that I can stop wasting my time.

[mstie]

If we met in person, first date. Online, before first meeting. Don't waste my time on these men. But gotta give them props, most are honest if they're just looking for casual. Also if they say, I don't know yet I will give them a chance. But I'm still single, so that shows how those turned out

[preraph]

Even in your post, you're giving out mixed signals. If you weren't looking for a relationship, you wouldn't be concerned about all this, so the first thing I have to suggest is that you stop hemming and hawing about that. There's nothing wrong with hoping it turns into something longlasting and a guy will respect you more for that and who cares if it scares off the players?

 

So he's taking you out. That's proper dating. I assume he's paying for it. If not, he should be after only 5 dates. It's too soon to start sounding like you're desperate and you definitely shouldn't tell him anything that starts with "I really don't want a relationship," so please stifle yourself on that. If he only wanted sex, he'd be trying to push for less dates and more sleepovers. So I think it's safe to assume he is properly dating you with at least a modicum of good intentions and not just playing. So don't blow it by jumping the gun. It's five dates. When he's ready for anything like a next stage, he will bring it up. I hope you haven't already "hinted" that you don't want a relationship because that could stop him from ever seeking one with you.

 

If you go, say, six months and there's no clear indication he wants exclusivity or something like that, then bring it up.

[Omei]

There is a huge difference between asking:

 

* what are you looking for

 

and

 

* what are we

 

 

Which one is it that you want to know?

 

I ask 'what are you looking for' before I meet them and probably on a 3rd or 4th message. I am looking for a serious long term relationship, something hopefully that would last for the rest of my life. If the guy wants to 'casually date' then I don't meet him.

 

I am the very same before meeting I will ask as I do not wish to waste my time.

 

I also am looking for something serious if they reply with I dont knows or short term casual dating or any type of hook up lines I next them.