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new boyfriend can't get to sleep at my house


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Hello!

 

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and he has been trying to come over a few times a week to spend the night. However, he hasn't been able to sleep a full night in bed with me. At first we thought it was because his sleep schedule was messed up (staying up all night and sleeping until the afternoon), but now he seems less sure about that.

 

I think he might be a light sleeper, but it's hard to tell. I suggested some white noise like a fan since he said that sometimes I suddenly inhale and it's loud enough it wakes him up.

 

He also told me one of the first nights we slept together that I almost pushed (like shoved) him out of bed. I only remember him waking me up to ask me to move over so he wouldn't fall off the mattress. Then the last time he said that I suddenly pushed him away via the neck and he didn't know what to do.

 

I actually feel really guilty about this because I've never done it before and he is starting to take it personally, thinking there is a subconscious reason why I'm pushing him away. I'm wondering if it's more that I haven't had a regular bed partner in a really long time and I'm not used to having someone there.

 

Has anyone ever had problems with being or having pushed a partner in bed? What can you do to stop it? I used to be pretty conscious of the other person in my bed but shoving him in my sleep combined with him not being able to rest in my home is saddening.

 

Thanks for any thoughts.

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soithascometothis

What size bed do you have?

 

Tangent, but you guys are sleeping together that often after a month? Were you friends before meeting?

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What size bed do you have?

 

Tangent, but you guys are sleeping together that often after a month? Were you friends before meeting?

 

Yes, your question is a tangent...and totally not the point.

 

My bed is slightly smaller than a queen.

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He also told me one of the first nights we slept together that I almost pushed (like shoved) him out of bed. I only remember him waking me up to ask me to move over so he wouldn't fall off the mattress. Then the last time he said that I suddenly pushed him away via the neck and he didn't know what to do.

 

 

- I'm really sorry, but that's hilarious :laugh:

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losangelena

Speaking from experience, I think it just takes getting used to.

 

My BF of six months and I are both pretty light sleepers—he's a big tosser and turner, too. The first couple of months, I had a hard time sleeping soundly at his place. If he's really restless on a particular night, that makes it worse.

 

Last year, I dated a guy for about six weeks, and even though his bed was larger, I NEVER got comfortable enough in his place to sleep well. I think it takes time, and at a month in, you're still getting to know one another, so you're just not there yet—but I bet you will be soon

 

What I don't think he should worry about is you pushing him away in your sleep—you're ASLEEP! You can't help it! When I was in college, I was part of a social group who would take a lot of camping and cabining trips together. For some reason, I always got paired with the same girl, and EVERY single time, I would wake up at some point in the night and she'd be completely cuddled up against me! It was so awkward. I don't think it meant that she had some subconscious desire to be close to me, I just think she's a close sleeper. Same thing in your situation—you're not doing it on purpose. Tell him not to fixate on it.

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eunpa,

This kind of "sleep incompatibility" is more common than you think.

 

Are You and Your Partner Sleep Compatible?

 

If he is a light sleeper, he has my sympathies. I sleep lightly and if a fly coughs down the road it wakes me up.:D

 

Unfortunately, both my husbands were not only shift-workers but very restless sleepers. My first husband used to elbow me and kick me in the night :(

 

My second husband snores like a grizzly bear, talks in his sleep, grinds his teeth and thrashes about. (He now wears a mouth guard when we do sleep together)

 

The only solution I found was to invest in earplugs and have separate rooms (depending on which shift they were working) We also got king-size beds so when we could sleep together (when they were on a "normal" shift, or on holiday) they had room to roam around in their sleep.

 

I know quite a few older married couples who swapped to single beds and/or single rooms when the husband retired because the wife refused to listen to the snoring any more...

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Thanks all. It's especially reassuring to hear there just might be some adjustment time before it's comfortable.

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I used to have night terrors many years ago and would suddenly start screaming, shouting and attacking anything near me other than the dogs...

 

Chap I was with was great and used to just hug me, I wouldn't wake up often but sometimes in the mornings he would be covered in sweat and watching me in fear... Apparently sometimes I was very violent.

 

We broke up for other reasons but he would tend to sleep in the other room quite a bit and then come back in when he knew I would be waking up.

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It likely just takes some getting used to. When I first started regularly sharing a bed with my bf, I really struggled, I just couldn't sleep! It's not amazing now but slowly getting better (its been about 4-5 months). And he used to feel bad about it, especially if I was tired. But it's not his fault, I like sharing a bed with him and I won't get used to it if he isn't there lol.

 

Although apparently the last 2 nights, he's rolled over to cuddle me and I've pushed him off. I think he's getting offended and thinking it's subconscious, but it's not, I'm asleep! Plus I've been waking up hot so I think that's why lol.

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My bed is slightly smaller than a queen.

 

 

That's your problem right there. Smaller than a queen is really quite small for two adults, and a lighter sleeper would have a lot of trouble with that unless their partner is extremely still and silent in their sleep. We definitely have problems whenever we sleep in a bed that small, and we've been sleeping together for years! When we sleep in a queen size bed there is no issue.

 

If you are planning on living together for the long haul it might be a good idea to invest in a bed that is at least a queen size.

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It takes some adjustment time. My girlfriend had the same problem the first few times. I'm actually staying over there tonight for the first time, and this was on my mind. I usually don't sleep well on other beds (including hotels).

 

But if he's taking it personally, he's got deeper issues than just "sleep".

 

I actually sleep more peacefully with someone next to me, regardless of how much they move around... then when I sleep on my own.

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Shining One

Most of my bedmates have been cuddlers. I get warm, so at some point in the night, I subconsciously push them off. I once pushed a woman off the bed. She was wearing satin pajamas and I have silk sheets. Definitely a dangerous combination.

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DoesntGetIt

In my latest relationship I started spending the night at her place a couple of times a week. I have literally never had a good night sleep there.

 

 

First, her pillows were awful, so I just ended up bringing my own over. Her mattress is also pretty crappy.

 

 

But most of all, I just find it harder to fall asleep there. Different environment I guess. At the same time, I would sleep over there anytime she's willing because I simply enjoy spending the night with her, which is better than a perfect night's sleep.

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I have a terrible time sleeping with others. Even when I'm sharing with friends, I find that my sleep becomes really light and I wake up at the smallest thing.

 

You can imagine how this works out with guys I'm seeing. I have not met a single guy who didn't snore, either, even if not constantly, so there's also that.

Guy I've been sleeping with now is a tosse and turner. Every time he moves, I wake up. Some nights are worse than others.

 

But it does get better. Practice makes perfect and all that :p

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The loud sudden inhaling can be a sign of sleep apnea. Do you do it often? Do you wake up feeling refreshed, or still tired?

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ScarlettDaisy

I can't sleep at my FWB's either. I think mostly because I'm always listening for my alarm to go off (gotta get home before my kids wake up) and his bed is uncomfortable too. Oh and he's restless at times so he's all over the bed and me. I'm used to sleeping alone now anyway. My ex-h was never home and I worked a lot of nights so it was just me and the dog.

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Well thanks for the input everyone.

 

We spoke about it tonight and he said that he's getting so frustrated because he was up all night the last time he was here so he doesn't even want to sleep here. He might give it one more chance, but we'll see. I mentioned that it might take a while for him to get used to it, but it's hard. I really like to sleep with someone even if I haven't done it.

 

I also worried about sleep apnea when he told me about the breathing, but with no snoring and he didn't seem to notice that I was stopping breathing. It is in my family, but I don't wake up exhausted all the time so I don't have all the symptoms. We'll see.

 

Hopefully it will work out.

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catchthedrift
Hello!

 

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and he has been trying to come over a few times a week to spend the night. However, he hasn't been able to sleep a full night in bed with me. At first we thought it was because his sleep schedule was messed up (staying up all night and sleeping until the afternoon), but now he seems less sure about that.

 

I think he might be a light sleeper, but it's hard to tell. I suggested some white noise like a fan since he said that sometimes I suddenly inhale and it's loud enough it wakes him up.

 

He also told me one of the first nights we slept together that I almost pushed (like shoved) him out of bed. I only remember him waking me up to ask me to move over so he wouldn't fall off the mattress. Then the last time he said that I suddenly pushed him away via the neck and he didn't know what to do.

 

I actually feel really guilty about this because I've never done it before and he is starting to take it personally, thinking there is a subconscious reason why I'm pushing him away. I'm wondering if it's more that I haven't had a regular bed partner in a really long time and I'm not used to having someone there.

 

Has anyone ever had problems with being or having pushed a partner in bed? What can you do to stop it? I used to be pretty conscious of the other person in my bed but shoving him in my sleep combined with him not being able to rest in my home is saddening.

 

Thanks for any thoughts.

 

 

I can't sleep at my boyfriend's either, it's way too cold and I get nightsweats under the heavy blankets, then freeze my a55 off when running to the bathroom at night. I sleep wonderfully in my own bed. Uhrg. Sometimes it's just difficult. I think it's better if you start sleeping at his house?

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acrosstheuniverse
I used to have night terrors many years ago and would suddenly start screaming, shouting and attacking anything near me other than the dogs...

 

Chap I was with was great and used to just hug me, I wouldn't wake up often but sometimes in the mornings he would be covered in sweat and watching me in fear... Apparently sometimes I was very violent.

 

We broke up for other reasons but he would tend to sleep in the other room quite a bit and then come back in when he knew I would be waking up.

 

My partner has something similar, it's a disorder where during REM sleep he retains his muscle tone rather than going slack. So he basically acts out his dreams. Some nights would be okay but the vast majority left me being woken up almost hourly from him shouting, talking, shaking me away, or on a couple occasions grabbing and hurting me (a dream a tonne of bricks fell on me and he was trying to rescue me translated into him grabbing me and clawing into my stomach!)

 

He ended up being prescribed a Benzodiazepine that really helped, we joke he's been tranquilised lol. But he's great now, maybe once every few weeks he'll wake me up but that's it and I really don't mind.

 

Never bothered me enough to reconsider the relationship at all, he's worth it! And it was nobody's fault. I snore pretty bad so he has to tolerate that, we are both really heavy sleepers which is lucky. Hate to say it but if he gives up on the relationship so quick based solely on the fact he can't get a full night's sleep at yours (without actually really giving it a test run to see if he gets used to it) then he probably isn't all that into you. If he isn't happy to sleep at yours with you or vice versa what future is there? Have you slept at his, btw? Is that an option?e

 

Also, it definitely will be a contributing factor that he sleeps into the midday and stays up late, if he's trying to sleep at a normal time at your place. When I was a teen or student and sleeping until late morning or noon, there was no way I could have fallen asleep that night at a regular time. There's tonnes of info on sleep hygiene on the net he can try too. I'm sure if he's into you he will try everything to work it out between you, this is such a non-issue at this early stage, fair enough if it'd happened for a solid year but come on, a few nights?

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I can't sleep at his house since he's currently living at home.

 

He was able to sleep at my place over the weekend and slept okay last night. He got himself a smaller pillow and it seems to be okay, now. I also moved my bed so that the room in general feels more open. I hope this continues. We also started exercising together so hopefully that improves both of our sleeping habits.

 

Thanks again all.

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