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Can the "nice guy" mentality be reversed, or am I screwed based on my story?


JoshCube

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To make a long story short, I was home schooled my entire life, plus I was raised without a father since he died when I was 13. When I graduated home schooling at 18, I got caught up in a religious cult that practices celibacy, and didn't break out of it until 24. The reason why I broke out of it was because I was "going crazy," and felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I ended up getting married to a horrible woman that ruined my life, and I just filed a divorce (I'm 29 now). She was controlling me, plus she was putting me down in front of her family (I didn't realize this until recently). I even remember when we would have sex, my body language was similar to a female, and her's was of a male. A self help guide said this was a bad sign.

 

After doing some heavy research on my female issues, a self help guide said that all 3 of these problems combined (no father, homeschooling, and religion) guarantees a man's love life to be a lost cause. Its saying that this situation can be reversed, but I feel there's not much I can do. Being how all of this embedded into my brain so hard, I don't know if I can reverse the "nice guy" mentality in order to attract decent women I'm seeking, because its too far in. In other words, women will automatically pick this up using their intuition, even if I'm following every single self help guide out there. However, I feel there is still a spark of hope inside me. One advantage I have is that I am a very huge and built guy, and I have a body of a football player. MANY women have hit on me in the past, but I get filtered out a lot when their intuition tells them that I fell far from the tree. I just divorced an attractive woman with blonde hair and green eyes, so I feel that has boosted my masculinity where I feel I do have something in me.

 

In my case, what should I do? Would it take years to fix this issue? I'm doing a lot of research, but I feel that my problems from the past may be too embedded for this to be solved overnight. Some women can secretly read my entire personal history just by me talking for the first 5 seconds. It seems like part of my brain is saying that there is a chance, but the other part is saying that its not guaranteed to work. Faith and confidence does not guarantee success, even if you have the drive for it.

 

PS: A thought just came to my mind. Back when I was 18 years old, I remember I had a mentality where I absolutely felt I did not need a woman. Women were flocking around me constantly, it was nonstop. Perhaps if I can reverse time, I can change the future. :cool:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I'm not getting "nice guy" vibe. I'm getting just that home schooling and losing your dad stunted your development socially and left you so vulnerable that you were vulnerable to a cult. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to just try to make up for lost time by socializing with as many friends and type of friends as you can handle. The deficit you need to make up is getting out into the world and acclimating to all types of people and finding your own niche and identity once you do. It is a progressive experience. I don't think it's the nice guy thing as much as inexperienced socially because you were sheltered.

 

I just advise continuing to be social and develop new activities and really try to make up for lost time learning about a wide variety of people, places and things because I think that's what set you apart.

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I'm not getting "nice guy" vibe. I'm getting just that home schooling and losing your dad stunted your development socially and left you so vulnerable that you were vulnerable to a cult. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to just try to make up for lost time by socializing with as many friends and type of friends as you can handle. The deficit you need to make up is getting out into the world and acclimating to all types of people and finding your own niche and identity once you do. It is a progressive experience. I don't think it's the nice guy thing as much as inexperienced socially because you were sheltered.

 

I just advise continuing to be social and develop new activities and really try to make up for lost time learning about a wide variety of people, places and things because I think that's what set you apart.

 

Agreed. I'm currently living in the state of Wisconsin, and I've made zero friends here the entire 6 years I've lived here. The reason why its so anti social is because it snows 8 months a year, and people are huddled inside their homes pretty much their entire lives. I'm making preparations of moving to Australia, but in order for me to migrate there, a woman has to sign a relationship certificate. Without that, I cannot stay there. This will be a challenge.

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Chrono Trigger rules.

 

I've been in your situation with a dominating nasty woman for 5 years. Except I never married her. My situation is eerily similar to yours

 

I don't think you need to turn into a jerk to get women. But obviously you should realize that women are deceptive and are not as precious or special as most guys are brought up to believe (by their mothers mostly). In fact this is why nice guys start being turned into jerks by women because they really only think about themselves most of the time (not all by most of them).

 

Women love authority, but if your a uber sensitive guy, you gotta be able to tell a girl what you want without being a dick.

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Chrono Trigger rules.

 

I've been in your situation with a dominating nasty woman for 5 years. Except I never married her. My situation is eerily similar to yours

 

I don't think you need to turn into a jerk to get women. But obviously you should realize that women are deceptive and are not as precious or special as most guys are brought up to believe (by their mothers mostly). In fact this is why nice guys start being turned into jerks by women because they really only think about themselves most of the time (not all by most of them).

 

Women love authority, but if your a uber sensitive guy, you gotta be able to tell a girl what you want without being a dick.

 

I agree with the above poster, he says its more of a social issue I'm going through rather than a nice guy issue. I'm trying to move overseas so I can sharpen my social skills. These cold states where it snows all year 'round is really bad for socializing. I need a warmer place, which is why I'm going to give Australia a shot. I tried California, Arizona, and Florida; and those places are too expensive, or there's no work.

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OP, I can empathize with your situation. As far as the "nice guy" mentality that you think you have - being a "bad guy" isn't going to win you points either. Don't try to overcompensate, many nice guys try to do that and look foolish.

 

You are right - this isn't something you can fix overnight. You need to be assertive, and project an aura of confidence which is easier said than done.

 

Some quick tips on projecting confidence and improving your approach:

  1. Stand straight and tall, don't slouch.
  2. Don't smile TOO much, it tells other people you are easy. Keep some mystery.
  3. When you talk, don't rush your words - it shows people that you are nervous or are trying too hard to hold their attention. Speak slow and naturally.

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you gotta be able to tell a girl what you want without being a dick.

Bravo, Larry! Right on the money!

 

A lot of nice guys think

 

This nice guy **** doesn't work for me, girls only like guys who treat them badly and abuse them

 

which is really stupid when you say it out loud, so some try to turn into dicks, and they can't even do that right because it isn't in them, so they wonder why that doesn't work either.

 

But Larry here has articulated the secret perfectly. Girls like a guy who will advocate for and get what HE wants.. not like a dick, but like a man. And really, they don't mind a guy being a dick (with somebody else, preferably) if he has to, as long as it is not the norm. The reason for this is because if the girl is with him, she feels secure knowing that he is not afraid to pursue happiness, and that he will advocate for her too. It is a hallmark of success in life.

 

So, OP, the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you can be like that.

 

Can you tell a woman no when she tries to control you?

Can you tell her to stop when she puts you down in front of others?

Can you let loose, and **** a woman like you'd bang a porn star?

Do you have a hard candy shell on the outside or are you all gooey center?

 

All that stuff is about self-interest over others' interests.

 

Can you?

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SawtoothMars

After doing some heavy research I just divorced an attractive woman with blonde hair and green eyes, so I feel that has boosted my masculinity where I feel I do have something in me.

 

In my case, what should I do? Would it take years to fix this issue?

 

I think you are getting some solid advice here. First, never tie your sense of "masculinity" to a woman... especially to such superficial markers.

 

You will never stop growing and changing. Never stop working on yourself, never stop learning!

 

The only advise I would give you is this... stop worry about what other people think and do what YOU want to do. That means when you are planning dates... find out her likes and preferences... but do stuff that YOU want to do.

 

Oh yeah... and practice telling women NO.

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Agreed. I'm currently living in the state of Wisconsin, and I've made zero friends here the entire 6 years I've lived here. The reason why its so anti social is because it snows 8 months a year, and people are huddled inside their homes pretty much their entire lives. I'm making preparations of moving to Australia, but in order for me to migrate there, a woman has to sign a relationship certificate. Without that, I cannot stay there. This will be a challenge.

 

I'd love to find out what Australia's like myself. Seems like a happy place. At least if you were there, any cultural differences, they'd just write off to you being not from there!

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I'd love to find out what Australia's like myself. Seems like a happy place. At least if you were there, any cultural differences, they'd just write off to you being not from there!

 

And women always love guys with foreign accents.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, if I may interject a moment...

 

I read your previous threads. In the first you claimed the "Nazi spirit" (among other factors) destroyed your marriage.

 

In your second thread, you admitted to searching for a woman's house and car on Google Earth, a woman in Australia you've never met and only had casual communication with.

 

I bring these up not to criticize you, but to suggest there may be other reasons why you're not having much luck with women. I don't think it's necessarily related to having a nice-guy mentality.

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OP, if I may interject a moment...

 

I read your previous threads. In the first you claimed the "Nazi spirit" (among other factors) destroyed your marriage.

 

In your second thread, you admitted to searching for a woman's house and car on Google Earth, a woman in Australia you've never met and only had casual communication with.

 

I bring these up not to criticize you, but to suggest there may be other reasons why you're not having much luck with women. I don't think it's necessarily related to having a nice-guy mentality.

 

Yeah if this is the case, you got several factors working against you OP =/ lol.

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OP, if I may interject a moment...

 

I read your previous threads. In the first you claimed the "Nazi spirit" (among other factors) destroyed your marriage.

 

In your second thread, you admitted to searching for a woman's house and car on Google Earth, a woman in Australia you've never met and only had casual communication with.

 

I bring these up not to criticize you, but to suggest there may be other reasons why you're not having much luck with women. I don't think it's necessarily related to having a nice-guy mentality.

 

Then what is it?

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todreaminblue
I just divorced an attractive woman with blonde hair and green eyes, so I feel that has boosted my masculinity where I feel I do have something in me.

 

please explain this concept to me because i get that you are hung up on her having green eyes and blonde hair and you made her suffer and somehow that boosted your confidence as a man to get divorced.....

 

 

please clarify these words to me.....thanks...deb

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please explain this concept to me because i get that you are hung up on her having green eyes and blonde hair and you made her suffer and somehow that boosted your confidence as a man to get divorced.....

 

 

please clarify these words to me.....thanks...deb

 

*Laughs reading this.*

 

Well, for one, my mom sort of dictated me on what woman she wanted me to marry. We both are into blondes with blue or green eyes, so I brought one home. It made me feel like I accomplished something, but then look at what happened. She was no damn good.

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Yeah if this is the case, you got several factors working against you OP =/ lol.

 

Care to enlighten me??

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ExpatInItaly
Then what is it?

 

The way you write doesn't seem based in reality. And searching for women on Google Earth is downright invasive and creepy. To put it bluntly.

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The way you write doesn't seem based in reality. And searching for women on Google Earth is downright invasive and creepy. To put it bluntly.

Is the resolution really that good that you can do that? I'd better read the earlier post.

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So, OP, the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you can be like that.

 

Can you tell a woman no when she tries to control you?

Can you tell her to stop when she puts you down in front of others?

Can you let loose, and **** a woman like you'd bang a porn star?

Do you have a hard candy shell on the outside or are you all gooey center?

 

Yes.

 

That's funny, I was just working on learning this version:

 

 

Anyway, I guess you learned something from the divorce.

 

Maybe you're like the boys in that TV family the Browns up in Alaska. They don't get out much because of where they live.

 

You said you're moving, so I hope you land in a population center.

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todreaminblue
*Laughs reading this.*

 

Well, for one, my mom sort of dictated me on what woman she wanted me to marry. We both are into blondes with blue or green eyes, so I brought one home. It made me feel like I accomplished something, but then look at what happened. She was no damn good.

 

i dont know what i said that was funny to have you laugh at what i wrote..... i was actually serious.....

 

 

you should never be dictated about what type of girl to marry on hair or eye color.i am sorry that it didnt work out for you...my mum always told me marry a man who makes you happy then i am happy for you......mum has a follow your heart approach to advice.....as do i......

 

i dont feel you are any more disadvantaged on finding someone as anyone else who is seeking a life partner

 

what i would suggest is you dont judge others by your past relationship.....or marriage and realize women are not all the same....you cant treat women like they are all the same.....

 

treat women in a relationship how you want to be treated and if you find the right one for you ....the way you treat them feels as important and special as the way they treat you........i wish you well....deb

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The way you write doesn't seem based in reality. And searching for women on Google Earth is downright invasive and creepy. To put it bluntly.

 

Be a little more descriptive.

 

As for the situation with Google Earth, the reason why I did that was because the girl overseas was very secretive, and I felt she was hiding something. I wanted to find out what I was getting myself into, so I did a little research. Come to find out, she was hiding the fact she had a boyfriend. That's all it was. Better to be safe than sorry.

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That's funny, I was just working on learning this version:

 

 

Anyway, I guess you learned something from the divorce.

 

Maybe you're like the boys in that TV family the Browns up in Alaska. They don't get out much because of where they live.

 

You said you're moving, so I hope you land in a population center.

 

Its easy to make friends in warm areas, which is why I feel Australia would be a very good place to live. Seems like the place I'm already living in is a lost cause. I need to be in a place that's more social.

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i dont know what i said that was funny to have you laugh at what i wrote..... i was actually serious.....

 

 

you should never be dictated about what type of girl to marry on hair or eye color.i am sorry that it didnt work out for you...my mum always told me marry a man who makes you happy then i am happy for you......mum has a follow your heart approach to advice.....as do i......

 

i dont feel you are any more disadvantaged on finding someone as anyone else who is seeking a life partner

 

what i would suggest is you dont judge others by your past relationship.....or marriage and realize women are not all the same....you cant treat women like they are all the same.....

 

treat women in a relationship how you want to be treated and if you find the right one for you ....the way you treat them feels as important and special as the way they treat you........i wish you well....deb

 

All women are not the same? According to dating guides I'm reading, they're saying all women are the same in terms of their hormone system. All women are not the same as far as mentality, but I totally agree that both the male and female genders follow an exact pattern. Notice how men want sex all the time while women don't. Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

 

Thanks for your encouragement though. I don't think men should select women as if they're browsing for a car at a dealership. Its shallow, plus you're closing doors on something potential and life changing.

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Rejected Rosebud

No, all women are not the same. :( I agree that you had a rough set up but you are now grownup and it's on you, maybe you should talk to a counsellor and sort a few things out and maybe make a plan for some work on yourself so you will be in a better spot to get in a relationship, there seem to be some issues ...:confused:

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