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Don't know what I'm doing here


spiderowl

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Some time ago I met a guy from online. For reasons I won't go into here, that wasn't the right time for a date but we got along OK and might have met afterwards again had I encouraged it, but I didn't feel much at the time except he seemed nice.

 

Recently, he got in touch and we have sort of rekindled something but not met again yet. Various things happened that prevented us meeting and a date was planned for next few days, but things seem to be going awry and I'm confused. I was actually getting to like him but now I feel really insecure.

 

I'm getting to feel a bit p*d off with this guy actually. He's phoned me most days for about 6 weeks and we've texted back and forth every day, say a couple of times a day, nothing excessive. I don't usually let guys have this level of access because if I'm not sure about them it can feel like they are controlling my life, but for some reason I let it happen this time. Now, the past few days he's texting less, unable to call occasionally due to signal problems, and then randomly calls in the evening having ignored texts all day. We are supposed to be meeting soon but I'm backing off. This evening I didn't want to answer the call and didn't. So, could be back to no date again. Why can't I just meet a straightforward guy who doesn't mess about and make me feel like he might be stringing several women along?

 

Why would someone put in all that work in phoning me and then start to behave randomly? It makes me feel insecure and then I back out. I don't want to be strung along by a player.

Edited by spiderowl
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OK so he got in contact and hurriedly said he didn't want a relationship. I had expected something similar but of course it seemed a bit blunt. I kept calm, made sure he knew he had his freedom (not in an unpleasant way at all), then he asked if I wanted to stay in touch as friends(!). Er, why? In the end, I said I'd need to think about that. He's going to let me think than get in touch again, at least that's what he said. Well, what's that all about?

 

If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, then I believe him. He didn't give reasons and I didn't ask - who needs to know anyway if it's something you can't change? He said it was about him too, but I really didn't get any grasp of why and I don't think either of us felt it was of use to go into that. He's been alone a while, if he's been honest with me, so in a way I was expecting him to back out. So, I'm a bit put out I suppose but mostly puzzled and saddened.

 

Do I keep in touch with him or not? He felt we'd talked about a lot and he knew a lot about me. When something like this happened in the past, I was so hurt I immediately said no way and that was that. I've since wondered whether that was the best idea but in that particular case (with a guy with temper), it was. I just don't know with this one; I think it could be difficult but what would be the purpose of such a relationship and why did he bother to take the initiative and trouble to get to know me, only to do this?

Edited by spiderowl
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I wouldn't bother anymore with him. You'll only get feelings and he's been honest and said he's not wanting a relationship. He's just looking for hookups.

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He might just be looking for a text/phone only relationship. Talking about meeting only to sabotage just enough to not make it happen, but not to break things off completely. Some people like the intimacy of attention and having someone to talk to but without the physical part. ;)

 

You might have sensed that on some level and maybe that's why you gave him access you don't normally, because he felt non-threatening.

 

I think if you're willing to accept a text/phone only thing that isn't that consistant then keep talking to him. But if it's making you crazy and it's more trouble than good for your psyche it would probably be best to cut it off.

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I wouldn't bother anymore with him. You'll only get feelings and he's been honest and said he's not wanting a relationship. He's just looking for hookups.

 

Actually, he's never tried for a hook-up and I feel he's a man of integrity. He might only be looking for that of course, which may be why he's opted out in this case.

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He might just be looking for a text/phone only relationship. Talking about meeting only to sabotage just enough to not make it happen, but not to break things off completely. Some people like the intimacy of attention and having someone to talk to but without the physical part. ;)

 

You might have sensed that on some level and maybe that's why you gave him access you don't normally, because he felt non-threatening.

 

I think if you're willing to accept a text/phone only thing that isn't that consistant then keep talking to him. But if it's making you crazy and it's more trouble than good for your psyche it would probably be best to cut it off.

 

That sounds very close to how it felt, non-threatening. We have actually met before, a while ago, and it was my fault it fizzled out then not his. I think you're right about an inconsistent phone relationship driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure it would, so I need to think carefully about this.

 

He started out very enthusiastic and suggested taking me on long trips and sounded keen and interested in doing so. I think I put a damper on these suggestions by not being all for it immediately. I'm so used to having to be responsible and not being able to just do things for the fun of it that I find it hard to get into that mindset. I think I must have seemed very unenthusiastic and I can imagine that's offputting.

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That sounds very close to how it felt, non-threatening. We have actually met before, a while ago, and it was my fault it fizzled out then not his. I think you're right about an inconsistent phone relationship driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure it would, so I need to think carefully about this.

 

He started out very enthusiastic and suggested taking me on long trips and sounded keen and interested in doing so. I think I put a damper on these suggestions by not being all for it immediately. I'm so used to having to be responsible and not being able to just do things for the fun of it that I find it hard to get into that mindset. I think I must have seemed very unenthusiastic and I can imagine that's offputting.

Maybe a little bit, but if that was something he really wanted then he wouldn't have given up that easily. Or he would have found someone else to do it with. Your interests are probably more aligned than it seems on the surface spider, or you two would have drifted apart again already.

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If it did not work out the first time you two dated, common sense says it won't be any better the second time around. Sorry, but I think you are beating a dead horse and wasting your time.

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If it did not work out the first time you two dated, common sense says it won't be any better the second time around. Sorry, but I think you are beating a dead horse and wasting your time.

 

I understand what you are saying. This was a very unusual case. I can't go into why it didn't work out but I chose to drift off because I didn't feel any immediate attraction, just thought he seemed a decent guy, and at that point he shouldn't have been dating (but not for reasons of infidelity or anything like that). Sorry, can't say more. Basically, I opted out the first time not him. It might be a kind revenge on his part I guess.

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I understand what you are saying. This was a very unusual case. I can't go into why it didn't work out but I chose to drift off because I didn't feel any immediate attraction, just thought he seemed a decent guy, and at that point he shouldn't have been dating (but not for reasons of infidelity or anything like that). Sorry, can't say more. Basically, I opted out the first time not him. It might be a kind revenge on his part I guess.

 

Yeah, but you've seen how rejection doesn't make a whole lot of posters on this board stop trying. I feel the bottom line is that if he was very interested, he wouldn't be acting like this.

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Yeah, but you've seen how rejection doesn't make a whole lot of posters on this board stop trying. I feel the bottom line is that if he was very interested, he wouldn't be acting like this.

 

You are right preraph and I feel hurt today. I said I would stay friends, meaning friend not FWB (we haven't got that far and I wouldn't get involved with that) but today it's sinking in that he has rejected me without even meeting again. I really don't understand why he's behaved as he has. Why bother chatting to me for so long when he didn't need to? Why does he want to stay friends? I just don't get it. Sometimes he has practically been grilling me about my attitudes to things, my ex husband and so on. He gave all the signs that he was very interested in knowing more about me. He didn't like it when I refused some information because I felt I didn't know him well enough yet.

 

He called this evening but I didn't reply. I'm sure he'll understand why and I know it doesn't help anything but I feel a need to. I'm too close to this situation. Does it make sense to anyone else?

Edited by spiderowl
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Maybe a little bit, but if that was something he really wanted then he wouldn't have given up that easily. Or he would have found someone else to do it with. Your interests are probably more aligned than it seems on the surface spider, or you two would have drifted apart again already.

 

Thanks for your support gaius x

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I did wonder that expat. One of the things he said when he told me he didn't want a relationship was that there was no-one else. I'm not sure why anyone would make a point of saying that anyway as I hadn't asked.

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losangelena
You are right preraph and I feel hurt today. I said I would stay friends, meaning friend not FWB (we haven't got that far and I wouldn't get involved with that) but today it's sinking in that he has rejected me without even meeting again. I really don't understand why he's behaved as he has. Why bother chatting to me for so long when he didn't need to? Why does he want to stay friends? I just don't get it. Sometimes he has practically been grilling me about my attitudes to things, my ex husband and so on. He gave all the signs that he was very interested in knowing more about me. He didn't like it when I refused some information because I felt I didn't know him well enough yet.

 

I realize this is a painful and confusing situation, but I would try and let go of this particular question. Even if you were able to ask him why, and try and get some clarity, I doubt any explanation he gives you would be very satisfying. In all my experience dating, nothing anyone does surprises me, anymore. That doesn't make it OK, but if you can let go of this desire to know and understand, I think that mentally you'll have a bit more peace.

 

Again, I'm sorry, it sucks. But better to jettison a guy who's feeling wishy-washy sooner rather than later.

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ExpatInItaly
I did wonder that expat. One of the things he said when he told me he didn't want a relationship was that there was no-one else. I'm not sure why anyone would make a point of saying that anyway as I hadn't asked.

 

It's my guess that he has someone else in his life. All the weird signs point to that, in my opinion.

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It sounds like he's not totally single at the moment.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I really don't know. He says there is no-one else. Why would anyone say that anyway?

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I realize this is a painful and confusing situation, but I would try and let go of this particular question. Even if you were able to ask him why, and try and get some clarity, I doubt any explanation he gives you would be very satisfying. In all my experience dating, nothing anyone does surprises me, anymore. That doesn't make it OK, but if you can let go of this desire to know and understand, I think that mentally you'll have a bit more peace.

 

Again, I'm sorry, it sucks. But better to jettison a guy who's feeling wishy-washy sooner rather than later.

 

Thanks losangelena, you are right of course. Easier said than done though. I think he just panicked and thought I was expecting a relationship. I was just getting to know him and didn't even know if I'd feel attracted in person as it's some time since we last met. I guess I'm a bit hurt that he assumed more, but if he's genuinely not interested best to know now than after sex (not that it got that far).

 

I have said I won't be friends now. Was feeling hurt and a bit like this had come out of the blue. Didn't feel staying friends was right, despite thinking I could do it. I will miss him though :(

 

I seem to frequently be in a situation where I'm putting off guys I'm not interested in and then getting hurt by the very very few I find I do like. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I'm going to avoid guys in future - they come along, want to get to know you, then pull this sudden flip out of the blue. I don't understand it.

Edited by spiderowl
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