Goodbye Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 This is my first time posting in this section...formally posted in the OW after having a horrid relationship with a married man. So, now I'm dating a divorced man (divorced myself). We have a lot in common...both have 3 teens, both divorced, enjoy similar things, educated. Since we started dating, he lost his job, and moved home with his parents to save money for his kids educations. I'm not loving this for obvious reasons. First being that my exH was incredibly enmeshed with his parents, and well...at my age, I just don't feel like sucking up to parents all the time anymore. An occasional dinner is fine, but I don't really want to feel like a teen in that respect anymore...there won't be any sex in his twin bed at his parents' home. So that leaves my home. The primary residence of my 3 teen daughters. I don't really like to expose them to relationships that aren't permanent (while this guy is serious, there isn't a ring on my finger). That leaves the occasional weekend that the kids are at the exH's or while they are at school...when I should be doing other things. The BF is looking for work. Job market sucks, and I do feel badly for him. It is tiresome, however. All this said, I do love the guy. I just don't know when to call it quits...its been 3 months since he lost his job. He doesn't seem to be worried about how this is impacting our relationship at all. Just keeps on referring to our great future together. I can't see beyond the present...the fact that he is living at his parents' home and is basically broke. Then I tell myself that I am being sexist...that if I were the broke one, it would be more acceptable because I'm the woman. Men have it harder being broke in a relationship. And I do feel like I could have a long relationship with him. Then today I told him my daughter was home with the flu and he said that maybe he'd skip visiting me for a couple of days so that he didn't bring home the flu to his elderly parents who are planning to travel to europe at the end of the month. This set me off the deep end and I rashly sent him a text telling him I needed space. Don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I really can't tell you much. Life regularly has "hard times". I had to live in my car for a few months one time. If the tough situations make you want to bail... then I'd say you just are not that into him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I really can't tell you much. Life regularly has "hard times". I had to live in my car for a few months one time. If the tough situations make you want to bail... then I'd say you just are not that into him. Yeah, maybe. Guess it may be too much bad stuff too soon. Perhaps with more mileage there would be more patience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 If he is really trying hard to find a job, I'd be inclined to give him a bit longer. That's only if he is really making an effort. Only you can know where the cut off point is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I'm 50:50 on this. First off with his situation of having to move back in with his folks, I totally understand that given his situation. I also totally understand from your prior experience why you don't like that, but I dont think you should let that experience with the ex brand this relationship. Do suck up to his parents and don't act like a teen, just be yourself without acting any different to please them. You will have to get inventive when it comes to sex I feel if you don't want to do it at his parents place. With 6 kids between you though it seems it was not going to be a snap otherwise. The ideal time is when all your kids are with your exes at the same time or they are all out with their friends during the day it would seem. Other than the parents issue he has the same situation as you when it comes to - " I don't really like to expose them to relationships that aren't permanent" as far as his kids go even if he had his own place. His recent decision to not visit when your daughter was sick I do get his reason from his perspective. It was a shame, but some guys might still have used the excuse that they didn't want to pick up the flu to get sick themselves or their own kids. I thought he could of visited if it was possible your daughter was not in the same room thought not sure if that is awkward either. Yeh the parents factor is an extra pain for the time being. Its only been a short relationship so far so it should be easy to split and I don't think its unreasonable for most to consider that a guy in his current circumstances really should not be dating. At the same time if you see him as a great guy for you long term then I think you could ride it out for a while longer - maybe give it a deadline of 6 mths. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goodbye Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I'm 50:50 on this. First off with his situation of having to move back in with his folks, I totally understand that given his situation. I also totally understand from your prior experience why you don't like that, but I dont think you should let that experience with the ex brand this relationship. Do suck up to his parents and don't act like a teen, just be yourself without acting any different to please them. You will have to get inventive when it comes to sex I feel if you don't want to do it at his parents place. With 6 kids between you though it seems it was not going to be a snap otherwise. The ideal time is when all your kids are with your exes at the same time or they are all out with their friends during the day it would seem. Other than the parents issue he has the same situation as you when it comes to - " I don't really like to expose them to relationships that aren't permanent" as far as his kids go even if he had his own place. His recent decision to not visit when your daughter was sick I do get his reason from his perspective. It was a shame, but some guys might still have used the excuse that they didn't want to pick up the flu to get sick themselves or their own kids. I thought he could of visited if it was possible your daughter was not in the same room thought not sure if that is awkward either. Yeh the parents factor is an extra pain for the time being. Its only been a short relationship so far so it should be easy to split and I don't think its unreasonable for most to consider that a guy in his current circumstances really should not be dating. At the same time if you see him as a great guy for you long term then I think you could ride it out for a while longer - maybe give it a deadline of 6 mths. Thanks for this. I'm inclined to keep giving him more time because frankly it sucks to date around when you have kids. At least this guy gets that my kids are my first priority. Guess my offense regarding the sick kid thing is he talks marriage with me. Sick people are generally part of that equation. He was sick last week and I couldn't nurture him enough. Gives me pause for thought about maturity...or maybe I just question his maturity because the guy is stuck living in a home where his mother makes him lunch everyday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Talk to him about it. Tell him that if you two become involved further that you want him to treat your kids as if they were his also - and when he split on you when your daughter was sick like that it upset you a bit. If he's worth keeping around I'm sure he'll understand. No point skirting around issues, that's how they blow up on you down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You are not serious about him anyway.... and well, he does not sound serious either. What's the point? How long have you two been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 To me, tough times shared in a relationship define whether you will make it long term...having that feeling like, we are going to make ti through this, and feeling of wanting to support and nurture your partner.....enhance your bond and strengthen it....if you feel like pulling the plug instead of pulling together thats a feeling you should explore further as to not waste any of each others time or effort or energy into a relationship that is going to be dead in the water....and you have kids involved so its pretty important to make a decision and try to stick to it.......... i dont know if you should continue to see him......that depends on how much you are into the relationship and what you are willing to do to keep it afloat......deb Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 He needs to concentrate on getting a job and getting his life in order. Tell him you want to give him plenty of space to do just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts